My hands are tied...

[DirtyDancing]

I have found myself in a tough spot with someone who I thought was just a friend for the past 5+ years. He’s with someone and they’re planning to move out of state soon. The problem is he has feelings for me, wants me and thinks about me, and the feelings are mutual.

 

About 6 months ago, we just happened to be alone for the first time ever, and he confessed that he’s wanted me since he first saw me (over 5 years ago), that he was hoping that when my ex and I broke up thefirst time (3 years ago) that he wouldn’t come back so that he and I could havea chance to start something. He said that he always thought we had so much in common, that he thinks I’m so beautiful, smart, and sexy, that he gets excited knowing that I’m going to be somewhere that he will be, etc. He said the timing never has been right, and he's always wanted to tell me how he feels.

 

I had no idea that his feelings were so in depth… I could always sense an underlying chemistry,but never thought it would or could actually develop into something because he,I, or both of us has always been involved with other people. I’ve always thought he was very attractive,and smart and a catch; to be honest, if I wasn’t with my ex before he would’ve been at the top of my list. Long story short, he leaned in to kiss me, which took me by surprise, I resisted, then gave in a little, I resisted his touches then gave in a little more, and at one point I even slapped him to stop which only seemed to get him more excited, and his excitement was getting me excited too. Basically, 5 years of repressed lust came to the surface. I stopped him just before intercourse, but unfortunately we took it pretty far. To this day, I can’t forget how hot that night was and I feel guilty and frustrated at the same time, knowing I can't have it again.

 

I’m not really friends with his gf, but I do know her through a group of friends, which is how I know him. I knew him before he started dating her, but I was with my ex at that time. I’ve been single for a year and a half now, and now this guy professes his feelings for me. We talked later (after that night), and he apologized for putting me in that position, that he had some thinking to do, that I deserve a lot, and that under the circumstances we should just try to move forward, putting this in the past. Although he did tell me what he expressed to me was sincere, and what he said was true and wouldn’t change. As he left, he grabbed me and held me long and tight a couple of times. I could tell he wanted more… and he didn’t ask but I told him that wouldn’t be happening again.

 

A good month went by, and all was quiet, so I figured he was thinking through things. We ran into each other out(she wasn’t there), and he again picked me up in a strong hug a couple times,and our faces literally lit up when we saw each other. He was on his way out,and just wanted to say hello, asked how I was. Several weeks later, we were all at a Halloween party. I was very nervous about seeing them together, but it was such a big group I figured I’d just avoid them. That didn’t happen. He was near to me most of the night, and at one point, I turned around, and his eyes were just burning into me. We exchanged several ‘looks’ that night, and I could tell he was just incredibly turned on and frustrated not being able to touch me or talk to me inthe way he wanted to. I was wearing a pretty hot costume, and his eyes were all over me. I’m sure she must’ve picked up on the fact that herboyfriend was looking at another woman in the way he was looking at me. The next night, he sent me a private FB message just saying how I couldn’t have looked any better (at the party). I just replied, ‘thank you’. All was quiet for another month or so, and out of the blue the other day, he messages me again, to tell me he’s thinking about me. I respond, saying I’ve been thinking about him too,what are his intentions by sending me these messages? He responded by saying he’s mixed up but his intentions are good, although hard to explain in a FB message. He asked me the same thing; what were MY intentions? I said the same thing hedid, and also that it would be nice to talk in person, and that I figured itwould be best to hang back. He never responded.

 

So, I’m not going to get involved with him while he’s still with her. We obviously have a secret between us now that only we know… and as far as I hear, they’re planning to move out of state in a few months. However, I know because he confided in me that he’s not sure about staying in the relationship, and isn’t sure about making that move. So obviously, he’s reaching out to me to test the waters. I’m not giving him much at all.

 

But on the inside, I’m burning for him. All I can think about is that night and the way he was looking at me the last time I saw him. I just want days locked inside a hotel room with him, faraway and unhindered by anything. He knows he’s being an ass, and that he wronged her and isn’t being fair to me. I don’t know what to say to him so that he will stop, or so that he will act. I can tell he wants out, but wants to be sure it’s the right decision. I know that breakups take a long time to happen, but clearly, if he’s had these feelings for me for that long, he’s been lying to himself for a long time.

Every time I hear from him, I start fantasizing about what it would be like to be alone with him again, and know that I can’t do anything about it… I want to avoid any drama, and I also feel incredibly guilty for wanting someone else’s man.

Edited December 17, 2012 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

I know that he wants to have sex with me. I also know that he's not 'The One' or that this is some love story. It's just based in lust. I'm not giving in to him... what do I say to make him stop, when I want what he wants?!!

[whichwayisup]

you think he has feelings for you, but if he did, he would have waited for you before pursuing someone else. He now has a gf..If he didn't like her or love her he would have broken up with her already. He wouldn't be moving away with her.

 

Don't mistake his "lust" for "having feelings for you." A real friend, someone who truly respected you from the get go, would not have made a move on you like he did and continues to do.

 

You obviously have deep feelings for him..Otherwise you wouldn't be entertaining sleeping with him before he moves away.

 

Please don't do it. You'll be the one hurting and left alone crying as he goes on with his life with his gf.

[whichwayisup]

I know that he wants to have sex with me. I also know that he's not 'The One' or that this is some love story. It's just based in lust. I'm not giving in to him... what do I say to make him stop, when I want what he wants?!!

 

Stop flirting with him and tell him he has a girlfriend and it's unfair to her and unfair to you for him to treat you this way. You're more than a piece of meat and he certainly has helped himself (with your blessing) to you more than once.

 

Don't worry about hurting him. You won't! IF anything, it'll be an ego hurt for him and he'll get over it. Life goes on.

 

The choice is yours. IF you want unattached sex, no strings, then do it but just know that you will get hurt. If you are strong enough and want to do the right thing you won't ever put yourself in a situation with him where you can't say no.

[DirtyDancing]

You're backtracking.

 

Your post CLEARLY indicates it's more than just sex for you and you're hoping for a relationship.

 

While I think it would be NICE to date him, my interest is more superficial, despite the way you interpret my words here. I DO like him, but to be honest, I think the extent of any relationship we'd ever have wouldn't make it too far past the bedroom. (I swear I'm not going to do it!)

 

I'm flattered that he has so much desire for me, and it is honestly exciting (come on, I'm human).. plus, I've been single and lonely for too long now and his advances make me feel sexy. I know, other men can do that, ones who are available. He's just throwing it in my face.

 

While tempting to give in to him, the flirtation is harmless really, and if he tries something again beyond flirty messages and burning looks, I'll put him in his place. I slipped the last time, but I don't think I'll ever be alone with him again, and will avoid that kind of situation. I wouldn't be able to just sleep with him no strings attached, I have more respect for myself than that.

 

I'm guessing then I should just avoid speaking with him unless he contacts me again, then I can tell him to leave me alone (even though I don't want to) Thoughts?

[DirtyDancing]

you think he has feelings for you, but if he did, he would have waited for you before pursuing someone else. He now has a gf..If he didn't like her or love her he would have broken up with her already. He wouldn't be moving away with her.

 

Don't mistake his "lust" for "having feelings for you." A real friend, someone who truly respected you from the get go, would not have made a move on you like he did and continues to do.

 

You obviously have deep feelings for him..Otherwise you wouldn't be entertaining sleeping with him before he moves away.

 

Please don't do it. You'll be the one hurting and left alone crying as he goes on with his life with his gf.

 

My feelings are just as deep as his, yet I'm not entertaining the thought of sleeping with him before he moves away. If I did, I know your last statement would be true, which is the main reason I wouldn't do it. I know the fantasy would be better than the reality in this case. But it's torment!

[LadyGrey]

This guy is playing a good game on you and you are biting.

 

He is dangling a carrot in front of you and hoping you'll nibble and you are. He is teasing you with maybe and girl you are falling for it. You are fooling yourself if you think he has deep feelings for you, he wants some strange, that's it and he is doing the come here, go away thing, except he hasn't done the go away thing yet and he won't until he gets bored with bedding you. It's a great set up for him, he is going to have two women competing for him, but yet one of them doesn't know it. He has you right where he wants you.

[coffeebean201]

He seems to really enjoy this sexual tension with you.

 

But if he is moving out of town with a steady girlfriend/woman - I would forget him.

[DirtyDancing]

This guy is playing a good game on you and you are biting.

 

He is dangling a carrot in front of you and hoping you'll nibble and you are. He is teasing you with maybe and girl you are falling for it. You are fooling yourself if you think he has deep feelings for you, he wants some strange, that's it and he is doing the come here, go away thing, except he hasn't done the go away thing yet and he won't until he gets bored with bedding you. It's a great set up for him, he is going to have two women competing for him, but yet one of them doesn't know it. He has you right where he wants you.

 

I see your point, especially about having two women compete over him, I can see why someone would want that set up. This other woman thing is a completely foreign concept to me. Yeah, I'm a naive, sexually frustrated sucker and he's preying on that. What a jerk!

On the other hand, I can't be too upset with the guy just because he wants to have sex with me. This is a lose-lose situation.

Edited December 18, 2012 by DirtyDancing

[LadyGrey]

I see your point, especially about having two women compete over him, I can see why someone would want that set up. This other woman thing is a completely foreign concept to me. Yeah, I'm a naive, sexually frustrated sucker and he's preying on that. What a jerk!

On the other hand, I can't be too upset with the guy just because he wants to have sex with me. This is a lose-lose situation.

 

You can't claim naive any longer, all of us can't be wrong.

 

If you realize it's a lose lose, then why not work on getting him out of your head, save yourself the grief. A gal can get laid at any time, you know. Better to go for a single one.

[DirtyDancing]

I'm not that desperate... but there's really something to be said for a challenge! It's only natural to want what you can't have!And I'm just not into empty sex, so I'd rather wait for someone who's available for sure.

But I know that this guy's not worth it. I know he's not going to leave her because he's fallen in love with me (and/or he just wants sex). Thanks everyone for the input!

[Decorative]

You find it flattering that some guy wants to secretly bang you before he blows out of town???

 

Seriously?

 

This is what I was going to say.

 

It's an insult. It shows how very little he thinks of you.

[DirtyDancing]

This is what I was going to say.

 

It's an insult. It shows how very little he thinks of you.

 

 

No, no, just to clarify.. I'm not flattered that he wants to sleep with me before he leaves town. It's just flattering to be desired is all I'm saying. And I have known this guy as a friend for over 5 years; he's not a complete ******* who has no respect for me.

[whichwayisup]

No, no, just to clarify.. I'm not flattered that he wants to sleep with me before he leaves town. It's just flattering to be desired is all I'm saying. And I have known this guy as a friend for over 5 years; he's not a complete ******* who has no respect for me.

 

Actually that makes it much worse, a so-called friend making a move on you. A married friend.

[Lois]

No, no, just to clarify.. I'm not flattered that he wants to sleep with me before he leaves town. It's just flattering to be desired is all I'm saying. And I have known this guy as a friend for over 5 years; he's not a complete ******* who has no respect for me.

 

Yes he is.

[DirtyDancing]

Actually that makes it much worse, a so-called friend making a move on you. A married friend.

 

Not that it makes a lot of difference, but he's not married. I don't see them ever getting married either.

 

And ok, I did and do feel miffed that he would make a move on me. But really, honestly, how can I possibly be upset with a guy just because he's attracted to me? I can't start treating him like sh*t just because he's suffering from a normal human reaction. He even told me that he doesn't want to put me in any bad situation, and he felt bad about taking it as far as we did. He's not implying or asking that we go all the way prior to his departure. At this point, he's just flirting and now being open about his attraction, now that I know about it! I see the good in people until they disappoint me, so I have to defend him here. I admit I am naive until I get burned. This is a first for me.

 

And ok, fine, it makes me feel sexy and powerful to be desired. It doesn't matter who it's coming from. I'm not flattered by the fact that he may just want to spend a night or seven in bed with me before he leaves town. I'm flattered that a man looks at me the way he does. Come on, any PERSON would be flattered knowing that someone wanted them, especially if you were attracted to them too!

Edited December 20, 2012 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Touche, LadyGrey. I admit, I'm definitely feeling that way right now.

[ThatJustHappened]

I know that he wants to have sex with me. I also know that he's not 'The One' or that this is some love story. It's just based in lust. I'm not giving in to him... what do I say to make him stop, when I want what he wants?!!

 

One word, two letters.

 

No.

[DirtyDancing]

I fell into the pit. For months now, I've been keeping this guy at an arms length. We've had this evident burning between us all along, and I've been playing it aloof and keeping it cool as much as possible. We have a circle of mutual friends, so I've seen him intermittently lately, including with his girlfriend. She must pick up on it and I feel awful that her boyfriend and I are lusting after each other.

 

Last night, I had a birthday party. I invited a large group, including him and her. She had told me that she couldn't make it and I didn't think that he would come. He did. When I walked in to the place, we gave each other a hug and he squeezed me and gave me a little tap on my butt. All night, we were flirting. I was trying to keep him at bay, but he was relentless. We were all drinking a lot, which is typical with this group, and with my birthday I was going all out. At one point, I don't know what the conversation was, but I said to him "where's my present?" and he came right up in my ear and said "you have no idea how badly I want to give that to you". Later in the night, I was going to the restroom and he was coming out of the men's and pulled me into a dark corner and started kissing me. I submitted. Our friends were outside.

 

Later, we moved over to a bar, and he sat next to me, and was squeezing my leg; I let him do it. Again I went to the restroom and he followed, and again he pulled me into a private space...which ended up being a photo booth, the kind with a short curtain. We were making out for a good 5 minutes behind the curtain and when we walked out, the room applauded. Thankfully our remaining friends were not in sight, but they must have picked up on it when we got back.

 

We all took a cab home and they dropped me off at my place. Soon after, against all my better judgment, I texted him and told him to get back over. He came back within minutes. I went downstairs to let him in my building, and it was immediate. Everything was very urgent. He stayed for a bit, and I told him that this wasn't fair to me, and he had to stop coming on to me, that the remaining friends that were with us now know. He told me that if only the timing was right; he's wanted to be with me ever since we first met over 5 years ago, but one of us or both has always been taken. This time, I'm long single and he's long taken.

 

I feel absolutely awful, and like a whore, and look bad in the eyes of our friends. One of the friends is a very close girlfriend of mine; her husband is this guy's best friend. I know her husband picked up on it last night. She had asked me where I was for so long, and I told her I was in the bathroom, but I was really in the photo booth. I texted her this morning and told her I lied to her, and needed to tell her something in confidence. I'm waiting for her response. Now I'm worried that everyone will think less of me because I'm allowing a taken man to make these advances.

 

He's not going to leave his girlfriend, and they're moving out of state in a few months. This is a very very dangerous situation, and I hope to god that I don't lose friends because of it.

[ThatJustHappened]

Was it worth it? Doesn't sound like it was.

[DirtyDancing]

Was it worth it? Doesn't sound like it was.

 

It was very exciting, and obviously fulfilling for both of us... to have all that building up since the last time we were alone 6 months ago. I'm shocked at his boldness to come to my party alone and come on to me so strong, and so shamelessly. It's almost like he wants to get caught. He doesn't love her.

 

I don't care about what he thinks, or the fact that he's leaving; I care more about what my girlfriend and her husband think now. I'm trying to do damage control with that this morning. Her husband is this guy's best buddy, and we all have hung out many many times together. I felt so awful that I lied to her last night, and her husband picks up on everything. He could see it. So that part wasn't worth it. To look bad in the eyes of people I really care about.

[DirtyDancing]

You want to pull her into your mess because you want to tell her something "in confidence".

 

I don't want to pull her into my mess at all. I just feel guilty for lying to her, and I know that she and her husband noticed there was something going on. I'd rather be straight with her than keep it a secret.

[spice4life]

I fell into the pit. For months now, I've been keeping this guy at an arms length. We've had this evident burning between us all along, and I've been playing it aloof and keeping it cool as much as possible. We have a circle of mutual friends, so I've seen him intermittently lately, including with his girlfriend. She must pick up on it and I feel awful that her boyfriend and I are lusting after each other.

 

Last night, I had a birthday party. I invited a large group, including him and her. She had told me that she couldn't make it and I didn't think that he would come. He did. When I walked in to the place, we gave each other a hug and he squeezed me and gave me a little tap on my butt. All night, we were flirting. I was trying to keep him at bay, but he was relentless. We were all drinking a lot, which is typical with this group, and with my birthday I was going all out. At one point, I don't know what the conversation was, but I said to him "where's my present?" and he came right up in my ear and said "you have no idea how badly I want to give that to you". Later in the night, I was going to the restroom and he was coming out of the men's and pulled me into a dark corner and started kissing me. I submitted. Our friends were outside.

 

Later, we moved over to a bar, and he sat next to me, and was squeezing my leg; I let him do it. Again I went to the restroom and he followed, and again he pulled me into a private space...which ended up being a photo booth, the kind with a short curtain. We were making out for a good 5 minutes behind the curtain and when we walked out, the room applauded. Thankfully our remaining friends were not in sight, but they must have picked up on it when we got back.

 

We all took a cab home and they dropped me off at my place. Soon after, against all my better judgment, I texted him and told him to get back over. He came back within minutes. I went downstairs to let him in my building, and it was immediate. Everything was very urgent. He stayed for a bit, and I told him that this wasn't fair to me, and he had to stop coming on to me, that the remaining friends that were with us now know. He told me that if only the timing was right; he's wanted to be with me ever since we first met over 5 years ago, but one of us or both has always been taken. This time, I'm long single and he's long taken.

 

I feel absolutely awful, and like a whore, and look bad in the eyes of our friends. One of the friends is a very close girlfriend of mine; her husband is this guy's best friend. I know her husband picked up on it last night. She had asked me where I was for so long, and I told her I was in the bathroom, but I was really in the photo booth. I texted her this morning and told her I lied to her, and needed to tell her something in confidence. I'm waiting for her response. Now I'm worried that everyone will think less of me because I'm allowing a taken man to make these advances.

 

He's not going to leave his girlfriend, and they're moving out of state in a few months. This is a very very dangerous situation, and I hope to god that I don't lose friends because of it.

 

Eye-yi-yi. Now that you consummated the attraction all you can do is accept full responsibility for your actions. You opened the door willingly by flirting with him all night and asking him to come over to your place. That is 100% on you. Now, probably, his guilt will set in and he will pull back his contact and interactions with you. He also satisfied his curiosity about you.

 

The lesson in all of this is that the outcome would be the same whether you slept with him or not. Meaning, if you didn't flirt and put out he would have moved out of town and cut off contact with you; he will do the same now that he has scored wih you. The only difference is, the former allows you to move forward with your dignity intact and the latter doesn't.

 

Hey listen, there are always going to be guys who are attracted to you and vice versa, but that doesn't mean you have to give into the attraction if the circumstances are less than stellar.

[DirtyDancing]

From your first post on this thread:

 

 

 

LOL...is that what you call fighting him off with stick? Pretending to resist?

 

Not sure what your intention was in calling your friend. All you did was lie to her and pretend the guy was coming onto without your consent and participation.

 

Yes, my fighting off with a stick has been in the past few months being cold towards him when he comes on to me. Last night was the exception and I dropped the stick and instead threw him a rope.

 

I told my friend that he and I were inside together, that's where we were for so long, and that he has been coming on to me lately, but that I allowed the flirtation to happen last night. That's all I said. I knew she knew something was going on.. she even said so.

[spice4life]

That's so far from the truth. She did call back, and I didn't tell her the details. I just told her that he's been coming on to me and I thought it was probably evident last night.

 

An easy lay??? Sleeping with someone you've known for 6 years and tried to fight off with a stick for months is an easy lay, huh? He's been very sexually aggressive with me for a long time, and I just caved in to it. I'm not an easy lay, that's a terrrible thing to say

 

Saying you're an easy lay is harsh and not really the case here. However, you seem to be placing the blame on him and not accepting responsibility for your part in this. He would not have been able to hound you if you didn't allow it by reciprocating in some respects. You made it known the attraction was mutal right?

 

I'm not trying to be harsh at all because I've made mistakes in my past too. All I'm trying to point out is that once you stop blaming his "hound dogginess" and see that you allowed this to progress, you won't learn anything from the experience. You let your libido over-ride your better judgement. Your human, you made a mistake - it happens. Learn from it and understand that you have choices in the future. Those choices are 1) you can shut down advances from a man who is in a committed relationship immediately or 2) you can reciprocate by making it known the attraction is mutual. You see what I'm saying here? It doesn't matter what he did; the decision was yours all along.

 

Don't beat yourself up because everyone makes mistakes at some point in their life. NO ONE is perfect. Pick yourself up, accept responsibility for your choices and look for the lesson in this situation. You have complete control over how things play out in these scenarios. If you don't want to end up feeling like you are right now then make choices that prevent it from happening.

Edited January 27, 2013 by spice4life