My hands are tied...

[DirtyDancing]

Didn't you pass judgment on their relationship? I don't know about anyone else here but you are doing exactly what I expected from you. Most people who walk into one of the situations with their eyes wide open tend take no responsibility. Hell would more than likely break loose and you wish not to be caught in the blast...you wouldn't have if you weren't already in the vicinity. But to foolishly state you she isn't a factor(or that you aren't in their relationship) in what you did is a total contradiction. If she isn't a factor...tell her...no factor can do anything to you.

 

Truthfully you are afraid your behind will be in sling and you don't want that to happen. Someday your words will ring in your head like a midday bell. You will remember in your heart your actions and your dismissal of her as a factor. Just say...I am covering myself and I don't give a crap whether she hears about it or not. The thing that I do respect about some of the AP on her is that they are who they are and they do not deny they are that person.

 

I'm sorry, I don't follow your last sentence... what does "some of the AP on her is that they are who they are and they do not deny they are that person" mean?

 

So, telling her would make me a better person, and a decent person; when I know that my ass is on the line and that all hell would break loose? Of course I give a crap whether she hears about it or not. Like you say, yes, I'm covering myself and my reputation. I just don't feel it's my business to tell someone that their boyfriend has cheated on them. Would you??

[ThatJustHappened]

1) It takes two to tango, and no, I don't consider that behavior interfering with THEIR relationship. I'm not making the connection between what he and I feel or what has happened between us to anything to do with their personal relationship.

 

 

2) No, of course I'm not a bad person. And if I wasn't owning up to it, I wouldn't be feeling so bad.

 

3) That's a good point; I guess that I didn't want to rock the boat and after he and I talked the last time, I assumed that it would never come up again. Truly. I'd consider talking with her, but I just feel that it isn't my place!!!!

 

Yeah..my whole point was that it takes two to tango and you are not taking any responsibility for your dance moves.

 

How would you feel if you were in her position? Would you think the woman who flirted with your boyfriend for months without saying a word to you and then invited him back to her apartment for a quickie was still a good person?

 

So it wasn't your place to tell her that her scummy boyfriend was hitting on you, but it was your place to flirt back and sleep with him? How do you figure that?

[DirtyDancing]

DD,

 

You keep insisting you are not a part of "their" relationship, yet you claim their relationship is dead, he doesn't love her, and no way will he marry her. Why the contradiction? He may have flirted with you, but YOU called him after INVITING him to your birthday party, to come to your house for sex. You engaged in every single step of the path to the bedroom.

 

It bothers me that you think slapping him is a turn on to you. That's one thing for a couple to engage in, but for those women who have been raped or sexually molested, I can assure you slapping someone in the face is not a turn on, nor is pretending to not want it and meekly saying stop.

 

You could have communicated to him via email or phone that the affair was not going to continue, but you chose instead to meet with him. Did you two have any physical contact while discussing the affair? You keep insisting you have held him away, except for that one slip up. That wasn't a slip up. It was calculated, intentional behavior / action. You don't get to imply you were honorable except for that one time.

 

When you play with fire, you will get burned. Be prepared for people to find out what you did - you do realize he will share it with his best buddy, who will tell his wife and then someone will clue in his GF and she may come after you - rightfully so. Stop acting like you were taken advantage of. You weren't.

 

I say those things because that's my personal view; not that I am SURE of any of it. Yes, I did invite him to my party, I invited a lot of people and I think it would have been suspect if I didn't. I was trying to keep up appearances I guess. Yes, I did call him to come over. That's where I lost control, and I agree, I was feeding off of his advances and it got to me.

 

The slapping thing is not coming from a dark place of skeletons in my closet like being raped or molested... but it's true that he was turned on by me half-pretending to resist. It's just the repressed sexual tension; it wasn't anything crazy...(!) Geez, relax!

 

NO, NO... we spoke on the phone. I did not see him in person after the other night. And HELL NO it wasn't calculated. I invited a large group of people to my birthday party! In all honesty, I had absolutely NO INTENTION AT ALL to get together with him or even SEE him. I didn't have some cold, calculated evil plan. Like I said, I knew she wasn't going to come, so I assumed he wasn't either. He showed up. I was busy mingling with other people and having a good time...THAT was my intention. You don't know me or my situation; you cannot say that I set this situation up. Recall that we have been friends for many years. YES, I did set it up for him to come over. I asked and he came. I'll take responsibility for that slip up. But each and every time prior to this, I HAVE kept my distance. I swear to god I have. I'm not purposely seeking him out. I'm truly not and I will stand firmly by that.

 

I don't believe that he will tell his best buddy who will then spread the word. He's not that kind of person, nor are the people I associate with gossips.

I know that this was a mistake and a very bad situation that I've participated in. I am a big girl and own up to my part in it, I really do. He did take advantage, but I let him. I don't deny that.

[DirtyDancing]

And you're still in that "situation" with the other guy. Not the guy is this thread . . . the other one that you have chemistry with.

 

No, that one was a very long time ago and there is absolutely nothing going on with him. If you read the end of that thread, it's clear that he and I have no kind of relationship. Sorry Alice, you're incorrect. And anyway, what does that have to do with this?! I've also been casually dating someone for the past several months. What's the relation between this guy and any others that were or are in my life?

Edited January 30, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

No, that doesn't make any sense at all.

 

But I can tell you that this line of thinking indicates that you will once again be an OW in your lifetime.

 

I'm saying that their relationship is separate and apart from whatever happened between us. Isn't that common sense?

And I never wanted to be in this situation, nor do I ever again. Actually, this is all a good lesson for me; this is the first time this has happened and it will be the last time. I want much so more than this.

[DirtyDancing]

You gave an update just a few days ago on that situation.

 

Yes, I did.. but there is nothing to 'update' about. We saw each other in the hallway of a building and then we exchanged emails in which he told me basically good luck with my career. Ain't nothing going on there anymore!

 

And... what does he have to do with this situation??

[DirtyDancing]

I think that would depend on who's common sense we use. For you it must be. For some of us....not so much. It appears to be justification for poor choices.

 

Well...I just think that even in a different situation; for example, hypothetically, let's say someone cheated on me. I would believe that their affair had nothing to do with ME. People don't cheat on someone BECAUSE of the person they are in a relationship with. It has nothing to do with that person. It's a completely separate interaction and relationship than the one in question. Whatever two people choose to do between themselves has nothing to do with what one of those people chooses to do with someone else. That's all. I'm not using it to justify my actions. I'm just saying that their relationship isn't mine.

[DirtyDancing]

I completely clear on your position. I just don't see it the same way. I think if it has nothing to do with her then there is no reason she shouldn't know about to decide if it truly has nothing to do with her.

 

I understand. And I agree that she should know for her own good. But I don't take responsibility for other people's choices or the conclusions they should come to. I simply feel in this particular situation that it's better that I not be the one to tell her. As I've had time to think about this, I know that if she ever did confront me about it, I would be honest.

 

And in the meantime that they still live here... I will be avoiding situations where he may be, staying clear and keeping a distance. It's unfortunate, but I think THAT is the best and only thing for me to do.

[DirtyDancing]

In the end, I know I will have to live with this in my heart. I've been so disillusioned and disappointed in love and romance lately. It's just not happening for me and often I wonder what I'm doing wrong to make men who I know are interested in me run for the hills. My vulnerability of recent has contributed to me participating in this mess. I enjoyed the attention he was giving me because I wasn't getting that attention from the men I've been interested in. I get the attention from the ones I don't want it from. The fact that he and I have had a mutual attraction and interest made me act in ways that I wouldn't have if my self-esteem and faith in love was stronger than it has been.

 

I'm throwing myself a pity party and telling myself that I'm just not good enough. Men want me, they like me, they're interested and they want to sleep with me, but they don't want to BE with me; that seems the case recently, and this situation only makes me feel more so. I know that he won't leave her for me, I'm just his ego feed as someone mentioned earlier. I guess he's been mine too.

Edited January 30, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[ThatJustHappened]

Have you thought about therapy? That's not a dig..I'm serious. I go to therapy and it really helps me.

[DirtyDancing]

Have you thought about therapy? That's not a dig..I'm serious. I go to therapy and it really helps me.

 

I have been going for about a year now. It does help. Thank you. But I seem to find myself in these ****ty situations where I keep feeling worthless and disillusioned. I do try, and I don't want or seek out drama in my life. I just want to fall in love again. That's all.

 

Unfortunately, I've been taking what I could get in the meantime, and that's not working at all.

[DirtyDancing]

Maybe you are trying too hard? Maybe you are focusing on the wrong things -- such as 'getting a man'? Maybe just embrace being single and independent. Men love independent women and women with a focus/purpose. Men will sleep with needy women in a heart beat, but won't be in a relationship with them.

 

Instead of finding 'chemistry' with every guy around you; pull back and stop making it a mission to get a man. Just be you and enjoy the life you have right now.

 

I think you have a very good point, and are probably right. I'm sure I've been putting off a needy and vulnerable vibe sometimes, and to the ones I really like, I'm sure. Been single for the longest time in my adult life, and it does take some getting used to, especially when I'm at the age where all my friends are coupled up, getting married and having babies. I feel rejected and unwanted lately. I have no problem grabbing a guy's interest, but keeping it is the problem I'm running up against lately it seems. I do have a lot going for me in my life right now, my career is taking off, and I do enjoy having the independence of being single... most of the time. Of course there are things that I miss, and I'm sure that's what I am projecting, which may come off as hungry and needy.

 

And irony of all ironies, what you said here is very similar to what the guy I became involved with in this thread told me a week before he pounced on me for the first time six months ago. I was telling him half-jokingly, sitting next to him at a dinner after a friend's wedding; "you know, I don't think I'm ever going to get married. I'm starting to think I'm just not cut out for it!" And he said, "oh, no, I don't think that's possible for YOU. It'll happen, I'm sure of it. Just stop looking and it will come to you."

 

Thank you.

Edited January 31, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[imtooconfused]

The harder you try, the harder it becomes. It sounds like men are attracted to you. Eventually you will run across a single man that you are attracted to who is also attracted to you. That is as long as you stop counting the days since your last LTR.

[DirtyDancing]

You are YOUNG....stop rushing things. Enjoy your 20's. You will be a different person in your 30's than your 20's - most likely (most people I know are not the same person now that they were then).

 

Just because friends are getting married, etc doesn't mean that is what YOU must have right now. Hell, I bet the majority of them are divorced within the next 5 years.

 

Take your time and focus on defining who you are and what you want in life.

 

Did I disclose my age or is it obvious??

 

Thanks regardless.

[DirtyDancing]

The harder you try, the harder it becomes. It sounds like men are attracted to you. Eventually you will run across a single man that you are attracted to who is also attracted to you. That is as long as you stop counting the days since your last LTR.

 

Yes, men are attracted to me.. and it's been mutual recently only few and far between. I seem to be drawn to the ones who are just out of reach and unavailable for whatever reason, and the ones with potential I put up a wall and dismiss quickly if the burning chemistry is lacking.

 

I don't feel that I try too hard, but maybe my underlying motive is something I need to reflect on.

 

Thank you for your encouragement.

[ThatJustHappened]

Did I disclose my age or is it obvious??

 

Thanks regardless.

 

It's pretty obvious...

[DirtyDancing]

It's pretty obvious...

 

well, I'm nearly 30... always been told I was more mature than my age. I guess in matters of the heart, maturity flies out the window!

[ThatJustHappened]

well, I'm nearly 30... always been told I was more mature than my age. I guess in matters of the heart, maturity flies out the window!

 

I'm 29. :bunny:

[DirtyDancing]

There is an obvious explanation.

 

You probably liked to be stroked, you love guys tyhat give you attention and admiration.

 

 

MOM also loved to be stroked and they seek attention. They get attention by being charming and smooth with the ladies. When the ladies respond they are validated. Women that seek attention love the charm.

 

That is why you seem to like MOMs more than single men. The latter are niot as charming or attentive.

 

I'm not savvy with the LoveShack acronyms.. what's "MOM" ???

 

No, no, I don't gravitate towards taken men; I guess I just am more drawn to those who present some kind of challenge... like a forbidden or 'challenging' prospect. This applies to men other than taken ones of course!!

 

But I absolutely see your point. Definitely seeking attention and admiration. The ones that give that to me pull me in like a magnet.

[DirtyDancing]

And the guys that give you a ton of attention also seek attention. They get the attention they want by being charming and smooth.

 

That is why you hear about women that only attract players or are only attracted to players.

 

Then a guy comes along that does not give you that attention and you are not interested. This guy may be a very nice guy, but he is not interested in receiving validation so he is not that charming.

 

Note how most OWs here say that MOM (married OM)was charming.

 

Hmmm, very interesting. Makes a lot of sense! Yes, the charm goes a long way in my book!

[Journee]

Sure, the charm fills your need for attention and validation.

 

Players and cheating men can spot women that need charm and attention a mile away. They know these women are susceptible to charm. At the same time the women that loves the charm flirts back and it works quite well.

 

OTOH, some women are turned off by too much charm. I wonder why?

 

 

I have been approached by what I think you call charming. In too high a dose it comes off as cheesy and slimy. I always assume this is a routine and is repeated until there is a bite.

[DirtyDancing]

Don't forget about the "Closet Charmers."

 

Those are the very clever ones who play hard to get - they act all shy, nervous and quickly look away when you make eye contact, etc.

 

Familiar with this type.. still appealing.

[DirtyDancing]

Yep, I tried all those techniques!:laugh:

 

Sometimes the best man is the one that has a clumsy approach to women. But, women that need validation will not pay any attention to this man.

 

I don't think that's true... I know a guy who actually blushed when I looked at him or laughed at his jokes, got breathless when we spoke, and to this day still stares and freezes up stiff at the sight of me... and I think he's the greatest

[DirtyDancing]

Oh yes they do pay attention to these men!

They think it's flattering and "cute."

 

We see these single and married woman on the board all the time with this sort of man:

 

"Do you think he likes me?"

 

"I feel like we have something between us, but he practically runs away from me every time he sees me."

 

"He has a girlfriend, but he's always staring at me. Do you think he's interested?"

 

Oh, wow Alice. This describes my thoughts about the past 2 men I've had serious "chemistry" with (that you mentioned) exactly. Are you a mind-reader?

[DirtyDancing]

:laugh:

 

Just remember - players come in ALL different "shapes and sizes."

 

Would've never considered this type a player; like you said they're the Closet Charmers. Their nervousness and total lovestruck vibes is the ultimate ego boost! It works!!