My hands are tied...

[Journee]

Oh yes they do pay attention to these men!

They think it's flattering and "cute."

 

We see these single and married woman on the board all the time with this sort of man:

"Do you think he likes me?"

 

"I feel like we have something between us, but he practically runs away from me every time he sees me."

 

"He has a girlfriend, but he's always staring at me. Do you think he's interested?"

 

"My girlfriend's husband locks eyes with me all the time at school functions and it's electric."

 

 

Yes, there are so many men that are aggressive and come on strong, that the men that can say "hi" and "bye" without making small talk intrigue. Like a challenge. "I'll make him notice me."

 

It takes two though at the end of the day... Just an awful lot of willing folks.

[Journee]

Yes it does!

My husband was sorta like that.

 

He was a nervous wreck, shy, "lovestruck" - the whole nine yards when he met me.

Even cried after the first time we made love.

 

I thought it was sweet because he had such a bad childhood and clung to me and my family.

 

Little did I know how ****ed up someone like that really is.

 

 

Mine too. He never made the first move...but he sure didn't stop the ball once it got rolling.

 

Meh, things are never how they seem.

[DirtyDancing]

Yeah, but when he freezes up he is telling you he adores you and you certainly like that. He may or may not be a player. If he is genuine then go for it. A shy guy is less likely to stray if you ever marry one.

 

OYOH, if you get together with a player, a charming smooth guy you can bert the house he will be the same with other women.

 

And when your relationship with you gets old all of a sudden he will not be charming with you anymore. The charm is reserved for new woman.

 

Don't fall for the BS of charmers and cheaters, be alert! Please4 not how some women cannot stand these charmers. Do you ever wonder why?

 

Highly doubt this particular freezing up guy 'adores' me; the last time I saw him he was staring at me looking like a deer caught in the headlights. I know he was genuine at one time. It's confusing when the actions don't match his words...but that's another one of my threads!

 

I've always been attracted to very charming guys... my first boyfriends were typical ladies-men and I fell for it but eventually I saw them turn it on with other women. On the other hand, the subtly charming ones who make you feel like they absolutely adore you and are literally breathtaken and get nervous and smiley around you (maybe they are genuine) are the ones that make you feel the best, of course! As someone mentioned earlier, the ones that aren't so overtly aggressive but do give off the signals that they're interested, make me think "I'll make him notice me" hoping they will turn up the heat. It's thrilling to know this and look them dead in the eye, knowing they'll get flustered and excited

 

The subject of this thread I never considered a smooth talking charmer; I've always considered him a bit nerdy and awkward around women, even though he's very handsome and quite a catch on paper. I guess I've been most attracted to his pent-up passion he's held for me. He told me the first time he came on to me that he's always gotten excited when he knew he was going to see me, and got kind of nervous and self-conscious like he wanted to impress me. He even remembered the first time he ever met me and where we were, even what I was wearing! I thought that was genuine and very flattering. Of course knowing I had that effect on him made me want to explore what else he was feeling :/ And then after years of letting that build up, he unleashed his desire for me. So that has been very enticing to me, because he finally became aggressive, which really hooked me.

 

And I don't know why women would say that they can't stand a man who is charming... isn't that where 'Prince Charming' comes from? Doesn't every woman want a Prince Charming?

[DirtyDancing]

Backtracking... and I think I already know what the responses will be....

Do you think all he really cared about was getting into bed with me and he's really ok with just picking up with his life and moving out of state, never to see me again??

I don't know. That seems really harsh, considering I've known him for so long, and I know he does like me as a person. His efforts have been a bit extreme for not caring at all. Why would he choose ME if all he cared about was having a fun time before he took off, leaving all of his friends and life behind to go off into the sunset with her? If that's all he wanted, wouldn't he just find someone with no attachments (to the group of friends, her, him)?

 

Am I his last hurrah? Something he's always wanted to experience and taking the last chance he may ever have?

To be honest, now that it's happened, I wouldn't say the curiousity has been satisfied... in fact, the other night, we had both told each other how much we have been thinking about the first time (when we didn't make it as far as sex). Isn't it true that once you cross that line, it makes you want it more, having already experienced it? It makes it so much harder to deny that to yourself, when you know you could have it again.

 

I know in my heart now that it's not worth it to go there again so long as he is taken. So now what? I avoid situations where he will be, bide my time distancing myself, waiting for them to go, and never speak to him again??

Are we just supposed to forget there was/is anything between us?! We can never just be friends now. I guess it's easier if you can't be lovers to not even be friends...

Edited February 2, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

As I said he cares for you very deeply, but this is only true in what is known as the affair bubble. BTW, I detect in your words a yearning to be loved. WHy is that?

 

This is all textbook stuff. The two of you against the world. The two of you belong to an exclusive club with only two members and the chemistry is off the charts. And if you have intercourse it will be the best ever. You can also add the fact that the guy is a taken man. For many women this is an aphrodisiac. It gives you greater validation.

 

YOu have a great need for external validation. If you did not have this need you would not give this guy 2 seconds of your time.

 

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to multi-quote here...

Yes, I see that as only true in the 'bubble', the 'exclusive club with only two members'. Apart from that bubble he and I are long-time friends where no one would ever suspect anything beyond that. It's like a secret that only we share, and I admit, that is exciting in a way.

You are right; I am yearning to be loved... I think it's because I went through a terrible, traumatic breakup and I've been feeling like a failure in love. The validation I crave stems from loneliness and rejection, I suppose. I feel like I've had a string of bad luck and disappointment and have been extremely disillusioned. I want my faith in love to be restored.

 

And I agree, for some reason, the fact that he is unavailable DOES give me greater validation, most likely because I feel 'special' that he would go out on a limb like he has. Not sure why that's more of a draw. It's silly, really. I guess the fact that we are not completely available to each other makes the validation we both receive extremely appealing.

 

And finally, yes, you are correct; I do have a great need for external validation. If I had someone else in my life that was fulfilling that need, then I'm sure that I wouldn't give him the time of day. Not sure what to do about that. To not be able to have that now is difficult, I'll be honest. I've been thinking about him a lot, despite the circumstances.

[DirtyDancing]

Here's my dilemma for this evening. I had spoken to him on the phone earlier this week and told him that in the meantime I will be avoiding situations where I know he will be, and in the event we do see each other that there will be no more flirtation, etc. He promised that he wouldn't.

 

So, one of the girls that came to my party has been planning a huge bash for weeks, and that's tonight. I told her I would be there weeks ago, before any of this happened. Now, I know that he and his gf are also invited... I am pretty certain that they will be there. So the other day, I told the friend that I am not going to be making it at the start, but will do my best to come later on in the evening. I really do want to go, and I know she'd be bummed if I didn't show face.

 

I'm making up an excuse to other friends who are going in an effort to avoid him. There will be a lot of people there, and I feel that in this circumstance I would be able to occupy myself mingling with other people and avoiding much more than hello and brief small talk with him and her.

 

I'm really torn; of course if none of this happened I would be there without question. What should I do? I want to be there for my friends' party, and know if I don't go I'll be beating myself up, feeling sorry for myself. On the other hand, I just told him that I was going to avoid situations where he will be... but I guess I can't do that all the time. If I do go, the plan is be sitting alone for most of the night, waiting for the time to pass so I can show up as late as possible, hoping they will have already left.

I don't feel that it's practical for me to avoid EVERY situation where they may be. Is this my punishment?

[DirtyDancing]

You could arrive early, show your face and then make a discreet exit. Or stay, but do NOT let him get you alone and do not follow him anywhere. And NO knowing glances at each other - remember the discussion about "eye contact?"

 

How long before the two of them leave town?

 

I was thinking that it would be easier for me with my other plans for the day to make a very late entrance and stay for a bit.

 

Since she will be there, he's not going to get me alone or ask me to follow him, no way. I'm sure he and I will greet each other, and so will she and I. With it being a large party, though, I'm sure it will be easy to avoid close encounters and the knowing glances. I'm feeling VERY uneasy about seeing her face to face. I can handle seeing him, but the guilt I'm feeling with her is the hardest. I feel like such a dishonest person. My fear is that I, and/or he will give off some vibe that she might pick up on.

 

In the past, I haven't seen her too much with him; it's more often than not that he will be without her. When she has been there, he's attentive to her but makes it a point to still engage with me, and often he will send me the knowing glance and accidentally brush up against me or just happen to come into near vicinity to me. In front of every one. Even with her there, it doesn't stop him from sending the subtly flirtatious vibes...

 

The word through the grapevine is that they're planning to leave in the early spring... and that really can't come soon enough.

Edited February 2, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Well, last night I managed to avoid seeing him at all, so that was a relief. It was nice to be able to be there for my girlfriend's party and not have to worry about any awkwardness. Unfortunately I have to avoid more of these events until they leave... it's bumming me out because I lose out on being with my other friends. But, these are the consequences of my actions.

 

I did see my girlfriend last night who I had clued in to what was going on (not the details).. and I had been so worried that she had picked up on something at my party... but she didn't mention it this morning at coffee, and it was fine. I think I was being overly paranoid about what other people may or may not have been thinking. For all I know, she and her husband may have just thought, 'wow, I've never seen them flirt before, this is strange..' It's not like we have ever done that before, so I honestly don't think that anyone would think, 'oh, they're having an affair'.

 

I hope that the next few months go smoothly, and I know if I make the right choices, like avoiding particular situations, it will be alright and this will all be a thing of the past. When he does leave though, I know that I'll feel hurt and sad that we never really had the chance to talk more, to see each other in the way we want to...I keep remembering what it was like that night with him, and how passionately he kissed me before he left. I'll be honest... I'd love many many more nights alone with him.

 

I never had 'feelings' for him until he confessed that he had feelings for me... even when I was with my ex, I'd notice that he was very attractive, and I liked his personality, but NEVER thought that he and I would be in a romantic situation. Sometimes I'd catch myself staring a little too long when we were all at the beach and he came in from the water... and I could always feel his eyes burning into me a little too long too. There's always, always been an attraction. Now more than ever. I wish he would get out of my head.

 

I meet so few men that I'm really interested in; it would be so much easier to forget this guy if I did! While out last night, I got a lot of male attention, but I was so bored and annoyed by them, I just kind of shut myself off to it and instead enjoyed being with my friends. This is my plan of action for the time being... shifting my 'mission' to just enjoying my life

Edited February 3, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[woinlove]

It may be, but my opinion is still that it's dumb and it's not a term I chose to acknowledge or use.

 

Yeah, a lot of these terms suck. Worrying about double meanings, one has to wonder what BS think about BS. And sometimes I just want to refer to married men, even the faithful kind, so then I write it out and hope it is not confused with MM.

 

But in the greater scheme of the impact of affairs, these terms sucking is a minor point.

 

 

DirtyDancing, shifting your focus to enjoying your friends and life sounds like a great plan.

Edited February 3, 2013 by woinlove

[DirtyDancing]

Can't stop thinking about him. Haven't talked, haven't seen each other, nothing.

[imtooconfused]

Wow... you know he's not there for you. You gave him a choice and he chose his current GF, with whom he is moving out of town. He will never be there for you. His only interest in you is a hook up. And by treating you that way, he is also a cheater. Cheating on your friend at that.

 

Sure the attraction is powerful, but you have no ability to look past that to see this guy for who he really is?

[DirtyDancing]

Wow... you know he's not there for you. You gave him a choice and he chose his current GF, with whom he is moving out of town. He will never be there for you. His only interest in you is a hook up. And by treating you that way, he is also a cheater. Cheating on your friend at that.

 

Sure the attraction is powerful, but you have no ability to look past that to see this guy for who he really is?

 

I know he's not there for me and never will be. I know that it's based in lust, not much more. Makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I certainly wouldn't want to be in her position, but at least she gets the benefits of a relationship (albeit with a cheater).

 

I don't think he's a bad person; people cheat all the time. It just means they are being cowards in not ending their relationship if they want to have something on the side. That's how I see him, as a coward.

[DirtyDancing]

Yeah, I thought this was over. It's not. I hadn't seen him for over a month, since my birthday party. I've been consciously avoiding situations where he may be, and last night he showed up at the end of the night at a friends' dinner party. He was by himself. Around friends we acted as we normally would, it wasn't awkward or obvious. When it was time to go, I was leaving with another couple who wanted to go out in the area. He decided to come along too, just because of me I'm sure. We went out, the four of us, and he'd brush into me, we'd touch hands on the sly, we would go outside alone to smoke and talk, and I was at first putting up this barrier with him, being kind but wishing him the best since it's confirmed he is leaving this month. It was hard because there's clearly an attraction and it's very compelling, so even if I was just trying to be 'friendly' with him, I still flirted.

 

We all left, and I had to walk several blocks back to move my car closer to my girlfriend's place where I was going to stay that night. I just used that as an excuse to be alone with him because he jumped at the chance to walk me. As soon as we were alone, just walking on the sidewalk, we held hands, hugged and kissed, he pushed me up against a fence at one point and put his hand up my dress for a second, it was all really exciting....

We did talk about his plans, and we did talk about how we felt about each other, it was good to have that conversation. I didn't really know how much he has thought about me all this time we've known each other. He told me he thinks about me a lot, and always hopes to see me, thinks about how he regrets that he never made the move when he was single and my ex and I had just broke up a few years ago. I told him how I wish that he and I could go somewhere and be alone for days, just free to do whatever we want... and he thinks about that too.

 

At the end of the walk, he got in the car with me, and we proceeded to fool around in the backseat. I felt like a kid doing that. Every time we've been together physically, it's incredibly passionate and hot, the things he says to me blow my mind. Obviously we were constrained to do all we wanted to do being in a backseat, which was probably a good thing. As he was leaving, I said something like "it really is exciting isn't it?" and he said it's a rush of adrenaline being around me and engaging like this...

 

I said now I won't see him again, and he said we will. He's leaving at the end of the month, and it's true that I probably won't see him again at all or for a very long time. I tried to be strong and do the right thing, but being around him again and the opportunity to be alone with him again was too compelling to resist. I know nothing will ever come of this. I do wish him the best and I told him so. I can't help but wonder, though, if there will be another time and place for this in the future for us since the feelings are definitely there. I don't see how they could ever change if they haven't for over 5 years.

Edited March 3, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[ThatJustHappened]

Very bad move. Clearly it's still just about sex for him, and it's about a lot more than that for you. You just set yourself back a few months.

 

If he's not leaving his girlfriend when she's just his girlfriend..what makes you think he would leave her when she's his wife, and the mother of his children?

[snowflakes88]

Your self-esteem must be in the toilet. This guy has 0 respect for you. None. He's making the affirmative decision to move away and start a life with another woman, but sees you as the girl he can try to f*ck in the back of a car when you just so happen to run into him without having heard from him in over a month. The messed up part is that you find that flattering, instead of insulting.

[DirtyDancing]

Very bad move. Clearly it's still just about sex for him, and it's about a lot more than that for you. You just set yourself back a few months.

 

If he's not leaving his girlfriend when she's just his girlfriend..what makes you think he would leave her when she's his wife, and the mother of his children?

 

Of course it was a bad move. It was dangerous and forbidden and our little secret. That's what made it so tempting, plus the fact that we have a memory of the last time fresh in our minds. It's all pent up lust and it's mainly about the physical part for me as well, I've always said that. I really don't think about or necessarily want the day to day relationship stuff with him. Sure, it would be nice to date him freely, meaning go out together or take a weekend trip but the sexual attraction is really the bulk of it and I'm totally aware of that. He and I are pretty much on the same page. I don't know why people think I'm in love with him or something; I really am lonely lately and I love the way he makes me feel. The select few friends I've told about this don't believe I have deeper feelings for him than exactly what it is.

 

I never thought he'd leave her for me regardless. I'm fulfilling something she's not, and vice versa. He wants me, but he wants her more. Soon enough, he'll be gone and I hope to find someone who's available with whom I have these similar sparks.

 

I never in my life thought I'd be participating in an affair.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Your self-esteem must be in the toilet. This guy has 0 respect for you. None. He's making the affirmative decision to move away and start a life with another woman, but sees you as the girl he can try to f*ck in the back of a car when you just so happen to run into him without having heard from him in over a month. The messed up part is that you find that flattering, instead of insulting.

 

No, not at all. My self esteem is by no means through the roof, but it's certainly not in the toilet. I'm an attractive, educated woman who has no trouble getting male attention. If it was that low, I'd be sleeping around and lowering my standards to just get the validation of any man. I don't do that. We're just both being weak here and caving in to what we know we shouldn't do. He said last night that I deserve so much more than what he's able to offer me. Yes, I'm flattered that someone who I think is hot thinks I'm hot...it's pretty basic.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[imtooconfused]

The messed up part is that you find that flattering, instead of insulting.

 

I don't get that either. I don't mean to judge, but it's something I cannot begin to understand. That is probably why I continue to follow this thread.

[DirtyDancing]

Under snowflakes' line of logic, wouldn't it follow that any person who engages in an affair has low self-esteem and finds it flattering that a taken man (or woman) has desire for them? I don't see how my situation is any different than the hundreds of people on here (shown by a whole subcategory on LS) who are involved in an affair. Why and how am I different than everyone else in thinking that it's flattering that someone makes you feel really sexy??? That's all I'm referring to. I'm not flattered that he wants to have sex with me and move out of state with his long term gf. That's ridiculous. I'm flattered by the way he makes me feel is all.

Edited March 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[ThatJustHappened]

Of course it was a bad move. It was dangerous and forbidden and our little secret. That's what made it so tempting, plus the fact that we have a memory of the last time fresh in our minds. It's all pent up lust and it's mainly about the physical part for me as well, I've always said that. I really don't think about or necessarily want the day to day relationship stuff with him. Sure, it would be nice to date him freely, meaning go out together or take a weekend trip but the sexual attraction is really the bulk of it and I'm totally aware of that. He and I are pretty much on the same page. I don't know why people think I'm in love with him or something; I really am lonely lately and I love the way he makes me feel. The select few friends I've told about this don't believe I have deeper feelings for him than exactly what it is.

 

I never thought he'd leave her for me regardless. I'm fulfilling something she's not, and vice versa. He wants me, but he wants her more. Soon enough, he'll be gone and I hope to find someone who's available with whom I have these similar sparks.

 

I never in my life thought I'd be participating in an affair.

 

People think you're in love with him because you're sleeping with a man who has a serious girlfriend. Why else would you compromise your integrity like that? Are you really that selfish and evil?

[imtooconfused]

Again, I really don't mean to judge, but (if I can speak for snowflakes88) what we cannot understand is how can it be flattering if he only finds you attractive on his schedule, which is to say when he is not effing his girlfriend? That's the mental block that we have.

Edited March 4, 2013 by imtooconfused
grammar

[DirtyDancing]

People think you're in love with him because you're sleeping with a man who has a serious girlfriend. Why else would you compromise your integrity like that? Are you really that selfish and evil?

 

Because I want sex and I'm attracted to him. I admit to being selfish but evil is a very strong word to use.

[DirtyDancing]

Again, I really don't mean to judge, but (if I can speak for snowflakes88) what we cannot understand is how can it be flattering if he only finds you attractive on his schedule, which is to say when he is not effing his girlfriend? That's the mental block that we have.

 

That is a good point. I guess it's flattering in the little bubble of the secret affair that we've been having and disregarding anything outside of that that goes on in our lives separately. It's an escape and has nothing to do with anything other than in the moment. It's just animal instinct I guess, and reason flies out the window. He makes me feel good. That's all I can say about why my ego is stroked being given that attention and to be desired. I don't filter it with the reality of his relationship. This is a very low point in my adult life. I think it is a good lesson to learn though to not repeat this pattern of thinking and behavior again.

[DirtyDancing]

I also think there is nothing I can say or try to explain on here that would clear up any person's questions or mental blocks, so I'm going to stop trying to justify my feelings to people who don't even know me. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even sharing my personal life with strangers in an anonymous online forum anyway. I'm not sure if it's helpful or hurtful.

[ThatJustHappened]

Because I want sex and I'm attracted to him. I admit to being selfish but evil is a very strong word to use.

 

Yes it is, and I stand by it. You should be ashamed of yourself. More than ashamed..you should be disgusted with yourself.

 

Not that it's any excuse, but at least most of the OWs on here are in love with their MM. You don't even care about him. You're just horny. You can sleep with anyone but you're choosing to sleep with someone who is in a relationship. That's sick.

Edited March 4, 2013 by ThatJustHappened