My hands are tied...

[DirtyDancing]

So you don't think that his girlfriend would be devastated if she found out that her boyfriend was sleeping with you? You don't think that would ruin her life?

 

I'm sure you're a pretty girl..why can't you get attention elsewhere? Why does it have to be this man?

 

Of course I think she would be devastated. I guess I'm having trouble with the words, "ruin her life". If she found out, it wouldn't ruin her life, it would ruin her love for him and maybe her plans for what she thought her relationship was, but certainly not her life.

 

I am a pretty woman, I hear that and get that attention every day. I'm not sure why I can't get the actual pursuit elsewhere. Sometimes it happens, of course. It just takes a lot to spark my interest, and it's become so incredibly rare that I meet someone where the interest is so mutual. Trust me, I'm trying to figure out why, as I am what others would say a very beautiful and smart woman, why I'm consistently lonely.

 

Why this guy? I don't want to repeat myself over and over, the answer is found in the above responses from both me and Pierre. He's very good-looking, smart, funny, we have a lot in common, known each other for a long time, just have a rapport. I think you're question is rhetorical though

But seriously, if I had another man in my life, I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don't, so he's very tempting for all the above reasons, including that his sexual aggressiveness and passion towards me makes me feel EXTREMELY sexy. Otherwise I just get men staring at me or snapping their heads or smiling but no approach. Men very, very rarely approach me, let alone pursue. So the ones that do that I happen to have an interest in, I fall easily. This one doesn't pursue me so to speak, but he does pursue me physically, so that fills the void that exists from the fact that I haven't been pursued in a very long time. THAT'S what's flattering, and what I've tried to explain earlier as why I feel FLATTERED. It's FLATTERING TO BE PURSUED, and that is what he does.

Edited March 6, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Do you want to be with him in the long term? Can it possibly work out?

 

If you answer yes. Tell him to break up with his girlfriend and be with you. If he says no, tell him to never contact you again.

 

If you answer no, enjoy the fun and protect yourself emotionally until he moves.

 

Look, you're young and single. He's not married. is it right for him to run around on his girlfriend, no, he's a cad. But, if he's running around on her now, he's not happy in his relationship. Content, sure, happy no.

 

You're not breaking up a home here. But if it can work, go for it. What do you have to lose? Some people might be mad at you? Who cares? If he says no, move on.

 

If I answer this honestly, I don't think he and I have the foundation for a long-term, lasting relationship. There are too many differences; it would fizzle out. If anything I think he and I would be interested in dating each other but I don't think it would last.

 

That's right, he's not married, and I'm not breaking up a home here.

 

When he moves, I'm sure I will move on. I'm looking forward to it.

[anna121]

 

And what has happened is that I will be out with these friends and he shows up, or I don't know that he is there and I show up. There's been 2 exceptions to that in the past 6 months since this all started, and it was for large parties. What am I supposed to do, see him walk in and ditch an entire group of friends that I am with? Wouldn't that be blatantly obvious and that's certainly not realistic. I've just been priming myself in those situations to put up the front, like he has tried to do... but in the end that front fell down hard.

 

 

Tell him you need to not see him, and ask that he let you know when he's going to show up. If you're as good friends as you say, he shouldn't have a problem with that.

 

 

 

Problem solved.

[ThatJustHappened]

Of course I think she would be devastated. I guess I'm having trouble with the words, "ruin her life". If she found out, it wouldn't ruin her life, it would ruin her love for him and maybe her plans for what she thought her relationship was, but certainly not her life.

 

I am a pretty woman, I hear that and get that attention every day. I'm not sure why I can't get the actual pursuit elsewhere. Sometimes it happens, of course. It just takes a lot to spark my interest, and it's become so incredibly rare that I meet someone where the interest is so mutual. Trust me, I'm trying to figure out why, as I am what others would say a very beautiful and smart woman, why I'm consistently lonely.

 

Why this guy? I don't want to repeat myself over and over, the answer is found in the above responses from both me and Pierre. He's very good-looking, smart, funny, we have a lot in common, known each other for a long time, just have a rapport. I think you're question is rhetorical though

But seriously, if I had another man in my life, I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don't, so he's very tempting for all the above reasons, including that his sexual aggressiveness and passion towards me makes me feel EXTREMELY sexy. Otherwise I just get men staring at me or snapping their heads or smiling but no approach. Men very, very rarely approach me, let alone pursue. So the ones that do that I happen to have an interest in, I fall easily. This one doesn't pursue me so to speak, but he does pursue me physically, so that fills the void that exists from the fact that I haven't been pursued in a very long time. THAT'S what's flattering, and what I've tried to explain earlier as why I feel FLATTERED. It's FLATTERING TO BE PURSUED, and that is what he does.

 

You must not have ever been cheated on. It is devastating. It is one of the very worst feelings in the world. It makes you feel lower than dirt. And your actions will cause this woman to feel that way, and you don't seem to care.

 

Your reasoning for choosing to continue to sleep with him are extremely shallow. The whole situation just seems completely unnecessary. Have you considered therapy to try to figure out why you're so desperate for attention?

[DirtyDancing]

Not trying to be a smarty-mouth - but if you were "all that", you wouldn't be lonely. You may be too cocky and men see that? Maybe you have a condescending air about you?

 

Either I'm not 'all that', or I am giving off an air of cockiness. I can see that I do that sometimes... probably a defense mechanism.

 

You belittle how hurt this person would feel - so go look in the Infidelity section. See if the people their don't feel like their live is ruined by infidelity and tell them what you said about how YOU think this loser guy's girlfriend would feel. She has invested her time, her energy and her trust into someone who has told her he loves her, he wants a life with her, he is MOVING to be with her, etc. You act like since there is no piece of paper saying they are married, that he is fair game. But he is in a committed relationship with someone who trusts him to be faithful and respectful. He is a cheating coward who probably has unprotected sex with you (and possibly others). Instead of being a man and ending his relationship with her, he is leading her on by MOVING with her. His actions towards her are that of a guy who loves her and plans to spend his foreseeable future with her - and yet you easily dismiss their relationship as something that won't last because you have decided she isn't the "one" for him. While I hope and pray she finds out what he has been doing and kicks his cheating butt to the curb, it isn't fair of you to say finding out he is a cheating dickwad wouldn't ruin her life.?

 

I also hope she leaves him sooner than later because he is a cheating jerk. She's a nice girl that I don't know too well, but still I feel for her, absolutely. I've been in her shoes, not knowing until much later that my ex was screwing around, so I certainly can emphasize. You're right, I can't say it wouldn't ruin her life, I can only say how I would feel. Whether or not that comes across as cold and callous, I can only speak from my own experience. When I was with my first ex I found out he was interested in someone else; AS SOON as that was confirmed, I was devastated and hurt but thrilled that I could dump his ass and move on. We dated for 4 years and my love for him flipped off like a lightswitch.

 

You are lonely and you are actively participating in an affair. YOU state you are all that and a bag of chips, yet your relationships fall apart. You are trying too hard to 'find the one' and are willing to settle for a cheater...because you are "weak". No, weak isn't the word that you should use -- maybe selfish? Maybe uncaring of who you hurt? Maybe needy?

 

I AM trying to find 'the one' and I AM settling because I haven't found the one yet and have had a string of failures. Yes, my actions here are selfish and absolutely needy. I don't think I am all that and a bag of chips; I have my issues, obviously. So I don't know why my relationships have fallen apart, but you know what? I'm glad those ones did.

 

YOU can't seem to let him go; but you expect his girlfriend, the one HE CHOSE to be with, to be 'eh, upset/hurt when she finds out what a pig he is, but hey, you aren't dating her so what's the big deal? How would you feel if you found out he was screwing your best friend too? Or just some other girl? How would that make YOU feel?

 

I CAN let him go. Before this summer, I never even thought about him in this way. If that happened to me, I would be pissed and angry, betrayed, hurt, and cry for days.

 

I just wish you could see how callous and uncaring your posts sound about this woman who has done nothing to you - she just happens to be with the guy you want. I just don't get that attitude. I think you are young (I am thinking 25 and under) and you just really don't see how utterly wrong and hurtful your actions/behavior is....or you just don't care. I wish you could make the decision - and stick to it - of not allowing this jerk to continue to use you as a sex object, continue to be "aggressive" with you (which for some reason sounds like he doesn't care what you say - he is gonna do what he wants) and you respect yourself more than have the hots for him. I wish you would stop letting him treat you like an easy lay. You are more than that.

 

I realize that my posts may come across as cold and uncaring. I have absolutely NOTHING against this woman at all, and I think she is a nice person. I feel terrible! Unfortunately, I am not 25 and under. I'm just a selfish *******. I do realize my actions are very wrong and needy. I feel like a pile of nothing when I do this, trust me. I try not to beat myself up too much or for too long about it. Like I said, my coping mechanism is to turn off the emotion, this is why I come across as cold and aloof. Inside it's not the same at all.

 

Yes, you're right, he has been very aggressive and done whatever he wants, even when I have tried to stop it, he doesn't respect what I say. He's been the guy that throws me in photo booth or puts me up against a wall with his hand up my dress. He wants to screw me and has wanted to for years, and I have the hots for him too so I surrender, knowing it's wrong. It's been too exciting to resist; I don't have that passion elsewhere so it's been extremely tempting and easy to fall for.

 

And thank you. I'm not an easy lay, but I feel like I am now. Now he thinks I am too because of this. I wish I could correct all these mistakes.

[DirtyDancing]

You must not have ever been cheated on. It is devastating. It is one of the very worst feelings in the world. It makes you feel lower than dirt. And your actions will cause this woman to feel that way, and you don't seem to care.

 

Your reasoning for choosing to continue to sleep with him are extremely shallow. The whole situation just seems completely unnecessary. Have you considered therapy to try to figure out why you're so desperate for attention?

 

I have never been cheated on that I knew about at the time. I did find out that my first ex was interested in someone but I never was aware that he actually cheated. We broke up quickly enough. I found out long after my last relationship that he had slept with someone while we were together. At that point, I was stung but I didn't care about him anymore so obviously my feelings would be different than her's would be if she were to find out while still being with him. I can only imagine what it feels like to find out while still in the relationship!

 

Of course this is unnecessary. I am currently in therapy, but it looks like we may have a new topic to delve into. I realize that my need for attention is the core problem.

[DirtyDancing]

On another note, this is very helpful to talk about.

[whichwayisup]

I realize that my need for attention is the core problem.

 

Figure this out and you'll be okay. There are reasons why you need more attention, need approval/validation. For some reason answering to yourself isn't enough, giving yourself validation and not needing some guys approval and attention to fulfill a need or a hole within you.

 

Something from your childhood? A bad experience, a friendship broken in teenaged years, something with your parents? Therapy will help you figure it out and deal with it so you can go on living in a healthier way and so you can make better choices for yourself in the future.

[DirtyDancing]

You have picked the route of submission to this guy and it liberates you from your own struggles. In a sense you are not in charge.You choose to avoid your regrets by giving away all your will power to this man. It is an escape from yourself..

 

Wow, this is absolutely the truth. You are 100% right. In my life I have been a very responsible, orderly, over-acheiver perfectionist. I am extremely diligent in everything I do, and work very hard. As I mentioned earlier, the past year and a half I went through a traumatic breakup and I pushed through it and was as tough as nails. It actually motivated me to be more of the responsible, orderly, diligent overacheiver I was to begin with. I kept up the front of strength and control through the toughest time in my life. All the while, I wanted to be rescued, to have someone to lean on, to pamper me and give me affection and love. During that time, I was completely alone and had nothing to fill that void. I wanted and still want to give up the control I've been clinging to for dear life. To submit and NOT be in charge, like in this situation, IS an escape from myself. It's what I've wanted. It's a surrender.

 

 

You say no one asks you out because your presentation is designed to attract low quality men. You are missing something or you look in the wrong places. Or perhaps you have an ingrained pattern or behavior that does not work. If you are a 9 or a 10 and highly educated you could get your pick. But, you do not have a clue...

 

It's not true that NO ONE asks me out, it's just very rare. If I do get approached, I tend to shut it down right away and be aloof unless the guy is my 'type' which has meant the swarmy, sexually aggressive and good looking charmer (low quality). I think now that I am older and no longer in long-term relationships I have to readjust to dating, and now choosing from a smaller pool of what was there when I was last single in my early twenties. I think I very well could be looking in the wrong places. My presentation as far as what I wear and how I put myself together I think and have been told is sexy and attractive but not revealing or inviting the wrong kind of attention. Most people would think that I could have my pick. That may be true, but like you say, I don't have a clue. How do I get a clue?

 

Try to crave just a little of attention. That is enough to get men interested.

 

Thank you, Pierre. I will take this to heart. I don't consciously see that I am seeking a massive amount of attention externally because I feel that I come across as aloof and reserved around men. I can be shy and keep the walls up in situations that make me nervous like that. I'm not exactly sure the vibe I'm putting off that seems like I'm trying too hard. I always thought I wasn't trying hard enough lately and that was my problem!

Edited March 6, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

I am not surprised. The last thing you want to do is disappoint anyone. My first wife was like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These guys are experts in providing attention and validation, but you need to realize they are often narcissists. And that is the worst mistake in the planet. Now that you know this is time to take action and date low key men.

 

 

If you take the time to know these men and realize that it is not their duty to pay enormous attention you may slowly appreciate other things such as sincerity, honesty, intelligence, etc.

 

Now is the time to change. You have all the tools available to you.

 

OTOH, you can simply give up and continue on this path. It may seem like the better solution because it requires less effort. I get that.

 

I don't want to give up. It takes a lot of patience and resolve to keep the faith sometimes. I know that I need to change many of my behaviors that haven't been working for me. I don't want to settle. It's good to get to the root of the problem, or at least be aware of the underlying issues.

 

In the meantime, with this guy, I know that this is dangerous territory and just bad all around. I want to protect myself and respect the situation for what it is. They are moving very, very soon, and so I doubt that we will see each other again because I know better than to allow that opportunity to be alone happen again. I highly doubt that he will reach out to me to make an attempt to either. I assume the group of friends will plan a goodbye party but I don't have to be there. Soon enough, they will be on their way and this will be just a memory.

[DirtyDancing]

He will reach to you again even if he moves to Mars. He likes what you have to offer, don't kid yourself. You have a lot of value, but perhaps he cannot see it because he is selfish or lacking in empathy. He also assumes the worst in you and not the best in you. But, he will keep coming back to you as long as you are available. He has similar needs to yours that is why the two of you are so attracted to each other.

 

I don't know, why would he reach out to me if he moved across state lines? If he's after something strictly physical with me what would be the point of that? I've wondered sometimes if he's establishing this with me just in case it doesn't work out with them and he comes back here. I guess I could see him occasionally sending me a message asking how I'm doing, or keeping tabs on me via Facebook like he admits to doing, etc. Yes, I know he likes what I have to offer, he's known me for some time and obviously likes me. And now that we have been physical, the draw is even stronger for him I'm sure, wanting that again. At least that's how I feel!

He has told me repeatedly that I deserve a lot. I'd like to think despite my poor choices with him that at least he still sees my worth.

 

 

So how do you find a cool guy that is not a player?

 

Do you have any ideas?

 

What would you do?

 

Excellent question, I wish the answer was easy. As I get older, of course I can spot a player from a non-player (most of the time). This guy I wouldn't ever have considered a player because like I said, he's a little nerdy and I wouldn't say smooth operator type. But he's cocky and very masculine and THAT is what attracts me. But just because a guy is cocky or narcissistic doesn't mean he is a player though, right?

 

I am at a loss for ideas here!

Edited March 6, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[anna121]

He has told me repeatedly that I deserve a lot. I'd like to think despite my poor choices with him that at least he still sees my worth.

 

 

Yes, it would be comforting to think that. And, sure, there may be a part of him that THINKS that. But his thoughts clearly are not translating into action.

 

Does he "think" you deserve more than to be an impromptu fling in the backseat of a car? He sure hasn't acted like it.

[anna121]

I really hate to reveal this secret. I hope all other guys in the forum forgive me. Sometimes we say whatever we need to say to get a woman to put out.

 

OMG!!! I can't believe you broke THE MAN CODE.

 

Whatever will they all do NOW???

 

[DirtyDancing]

Why do so many women question if a guy likes them or not when it is quite obvious? I see this trend in the forum all the time. It seems some women need very strong evidence they are liked. Some women get worried if the guy does not try to have sex right away after a couple of dates. Do you know why is that?.

 

I ALWAYS question if a guy likes me or not. I'm not sure why this happens. Maybe it's due to the lowered self-esteem, thinking 'I'm not good enough so why would he really like me'? Not sure. I'm the kind that needs black and white evidence to know if a guy likes me. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to these things though. Not always.

 

He will be back and as long as you allow him back. And you will not be able to focus on real men. And he likes you a lot, but he is damaged goods. Men like that love no one. He may present himself to you as a great guy, but he is mediocre. And I ask again what is so great about this mediocre man? I understand the looks, but many women would be very disappointed with this man. But you are not disappointed.

 

You're right, he will be back as long as I allow him back. I can see him reaching out before he leaves and/or maybe afterwards, just checking in or letting me know he's thinking of me. At that point, it won't matter because he won't be here and we'll be moving on with our lives. He isn't so great after all, I guess I see that now. All the years I've known him he and I had never spent time alone until last summer, so I've come to know him on a different level than before and see his flaws. He isn't my dream man by any means, I'm not DISAPPOINTED, I never EXPECTED much from him to begin with so I can't be disappointed in anything that failed to meet my expectations.

 

You need to overhaul your system and that is easier said than done. I would recommend this to you. Write a list of what you want in a man and a list of what you dislike. I realize you may like kinky stuff and perhaps you think only philanderers are kinky, but you will be surprised. I look forward to see the lists.

 

Kinky, huh? Where'd you get that idea? Because I've had wild and crazy make out sessions and secretive and passionate rendevous with him? As far as the lists, I have those qualities in mind, but maybe writing them down is a good idea just to see it in black and white.

[whichwayisup]

I really hate to reveal this secret. I hope all other guys in the forum forgive me. Sometimes we say whatever we need to say to get a woman to put out.

 

S.H.O.C.K.E.R...

[Lillyfree]

I really hate to reveal this secret. I hope all other guys in the forum forgive me. Sometimes we say whatever we need to say to get a woman to put out.

 

it's not a secret

 

sometimes women pretend they are hearing what they want to hear in order to get some

[RainDown]

I really hate to reveal this secret. I hope all other guys in the forum forgive me. Sometimes we say whatever we need to say to get a woman to put out.

 

Back in the day, I was notorious for saying whatever I needed to say to get a man to put out, or to do anything I wanted for that matter. And I'm a woman.

 

Women can be most excellent predators as well. I am quite sure many men on this forum can attest to that.

[DirtyDancing]

If I had a dollar for the number of women that post here that have the same question I would be very rich. I guess they cannot believe a guy would show interest. They will post interactions that clearly show interest and they still wonder. Then, if the guy is married they tend to see that as some sort of additional validation. Like: "He must really like me". Women that are secure don't have those thoughts. If a guy likes them fine, if not that is fine too. .

 

I am guilty of doing this a lot. It is because sometimes I don't believe a guy is really interested. Lack of confidence I guess. Not necessarily if he's married, either. Just 'unavailable'; if an 'unavailable' man is interested, you're right, it's the extra validation. It takes time to be secure sometimes; after awhile it gets tiring trying to figure it out, so you just say, 'screw it, I don't care if he likes me or not'. Actually, in the midst of all this crap going on, I had met someone a few weeks ago and he asked for my number. I didn't have his and he never called until yesterday, when he sent me a message asking me out. I had to decline, but I started thinking, 'wow, I can't believe he really likes me.. after weeks went by, he still remembered me?!' like it was such a shock. I should really give myself more credit. Something to keep in mind for my dating future.

 

 

He may come back and keep you hooked for years. .

In this situation, I just don't think so. He's leaving the state very soon. There's no reason why he would continue to interact with me... unless he wanted to keep the flame alive or something. We won't see each other so what's the point? We're going our separate ways here. What worries me is seeing him before he leaves. I half-expect him to reach out for one last time before he takes off into the sunset. Honestly, if that happens it will be very tempting. I will still avoid situations where he may be. These last weeks down to the wire are heavy with tension. I want him but I don't want to feel so ****ty more.

 

 

The only list I have seen from you describes a philanderer.

Well, it's time to make some adjustments (or try to). All of these experiences lead to wisdom....

[DirtyDancing]

Well, now I realize that I've been lying to myself. I do have feelings for him and it's ripping me apart to know that he's leaving with her. I've known this all along, and knew this even before we started this whole thing, so it's no surprise...

 

But now that it's getting down to the wire, and I am avoiding the remaining weeks of situations with him (with or without her), it's really hard for me. I wouldn't have ever participated in this with him if I didn't have feelings. I was just shutting them off to protect myself.

 

Where does this leave me, what am I now that he's moving away with her, apparently perfectly content in his relationship? Why would he do this with me? Why, whenever he's been around me does he make it a point to let me know that he's really interested... if he's not going to do anything about it? I am hurt.

 

I'll get over it when he's no longer around, when I'm no longer worried about him showing up or seeing him. But I'll always remember what happened when we were alone, and what was said, and how nice it was to finally be alone with him after all this time. I know he has had feelings for me for many years, he told me so and I believe him. But it makes me feel like I'm just not good enough. I know he's not that great for acting this way, and I can do much better. I'm just stuck in the moment of confusion right now. I admit, I want to see him one more time before he goes, but I don't know if he'll try. I won't. And if that doesn't happen, it will be for the better. If we are alone again, I know where it would lead, and I don't want to be that girl anymore.

 

I wish I could meet someone who I'm really interested in, who respects me and who is mutually interested, who wants to pursue something real with me and follows through with it. I just can't seem to catch a break.

Edited March 11, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Well, now I realize that I've been lying to myself. I do have feelings for him and it's ripping me apart to know that he's leaving with her. I've known this all along, and knew this even before we started this whole thing, so it's no surprise...

 

But now that it's getting down to the wire, and I am avoiding the remaining weeks of situations with him (with or without her), it's really hard for me. I wouldn't have ever participated in this with him if I didn't have feelings. I was just shutting them off to protect myself.

 

Where does this leave me, what am I now that he's moving away with her, apparently perfectly content in his relationship? Why would he do this with me? Why, whenever he's been around me does he make it a point to let me know that he's really interested... if he's not going to do anything about it? I am hurt.

 

I'll get over it when he's no longer around, when I'm no longer worried about him showing up or seeing him. But I'll always remember what happened when we were alone, and what was said, and how nice it was to finally be alone with him after all this time. I know he has had feelings for me for many years, he told me so and I believe him. But it makes me feel like I'm just not good enough. I know he's not that great for acting this way, and I can do much better. I'm just stuck in the moment of confusion right now. I admit, I want to see him one more time before he goes, but I don't know if he'll try. I won't. And if that doesn't happen, it will be for the better. If we are alone again, I know where it would lead, and I don't want to be that girl anymore.

 

I wish I could meet someone who I'm really interested in, who respects me and who is mutually interested, who wants to pursue something real with me and follows through with it. I just can't seem to catch a break.

 

I thought I would post an update since my last post... but I re-read it and nothing has changed except they are leaving any day now.

I don't care about him anymore though. I'm just sorry he ever told me how he felt and came on to me last summer. I would've rather never known. Now I'm just a conquest to him.

[Lillyfree]

hi dirtydancing... sorry you're hurting.

 

people sometimes suck, and we don't always get treated the way we want to be.

 

good thing is that you realise what it was, where you are - once you heal you will become available to get the sort of relationship you want.

[anna121]

I thought I would post an update since my last post... but I re-read it and nothing has changed except they are leaving any day now.

I don't care about him anymore though. I'm just sorry he ever told me how he felt and came on to me last summer. I would've rather never known. Now I'm just a conquest to him.

 

I'm sorry DD. Yes, you walked into this, but that doesn't make it any less painful.

 

In an earlier post you said you were starting to recognize men from your past who actually had been "high-quality" guys. Anyone like that on the horizon?

[DirtyDancing]

I'm sorry DD. Yes, you walked into this, but that doesn't make it any less painful.

 

In an earlier post you said you were starting to recognize men from your past who actually had been "high-quality" guys. Anyone like that on the horizon?

 

 

Thanks, Anna. Well, no not really. Actually lately I've been doing an experiment. After I became entangled in this situation and wanted out of it, I kind of just have been focusing on my career and life, not looking for validation or the male attention at all really.

 

I met someone the other day who was more of the 'high-quality' type that I am looking for. I tried something different than I have before, as I've always been attracted to the jerks. Very often with men I am aloof and reserved, but this time I decided to be confident and make the first move because he didn't (!) He was very responsive and definitely interested but it didn't progress past a few hours talking, (don't know why) but I thought I did a good job of going after something different than before. He asked for my number but never called. He was visiting from out of town, so really doesn't matter. The point is, I changed my tune, and I will continue to do so...even though this time it didn't necessarily work!

 

But to answer your question, I think I have a better grasp on what I want now and to go about things a different way. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So I guess I have hit the insanity point

 

To be honest, I've been so incredibly disillusioned with men and dating; I've had some rough luck of it never progressing past a certain point.. lately I think all of them (even the 'good' ones) are only interested in sex with me, and if they don't get it right away they lose interest; or they don't approach me at all but just stand there staring at me; or they're interested but they don't pursue me; or they're taken; or I'm not interested. Interestingly, I also notice that recently I have been drawn more to men that are unavailable or somewhat out of reach? Maybe it's safer as I'm not really ready for anything more than just where it's gone so far, which is a couple (meaning one to three) dates if any.

 

? I'm feeling very lost right now.

Edited April 3, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

Good job! Men that are not players will seem to be boring to you because they don't push your validation buttons. They are not charmers, but in the end you end up with a much better guy..

 

Thanks, I felt like I was consciously trying to do something different to acheive a different result. I didn't really, because it was so short-lived... but I kind of turned a new leaf here and will continue to avoid the charmers like the plague and start smiling at the "shy" guys

 

 

Stay the course. That last guy is from out of town, no big deal. Someone else will be along. Just stay away from the players and charmers. Too much charm should be a red flag for you even if it gets your attention.

 

I WILL STAY THE COURSE, I WILL STAY THE COURSE (!) I know that it is a red flag now. Took me 10 years to figure that out.

[merlin2]

It never fails to amaze me how some women cant realise a lot of cheating men relegate women into two categories:you're either one they want to cherish,have a relationship with,OR you're a bedmate,with all the sexual excitement that is inherent to a new relationship(that they dont get from their partners anymore).Basically, if you're in the latter, this guy will never fall in love with you-ever.Dont fool yourself, there's no emotions involved,falling in love with you ,etc etc.He is in love with his partner.He's a louse,all the same,but he's chosen his partner and you're just a side dish-dont forget that.