sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Ok so I am new to this and obviously cannot talk to anyone about my problem that I am dealing with. I have recently been married.. A little more than 4 months and we have been together now for a little more than 4 years. We have always had a bit of a rocky relationship but I thought that I loved him and I know that he loves me. Since we got married things have gone way downhill. Most of our problems were situational before the wedding and we blamed the fights and the differences that we were having on the wedding planning or the fact that we wanted to get married. He is a good man but I have seen (now more that before) that we might not be compatible. He is very into sports and his friends and living a lifestyle that is not what I had in mind. I enjoy sports and friends but now that I am married my life does not revolve around them. He puts these things as a priority over me. We fight a lot about family and him not spending time with my family. We even fight about what we are going to do. He is always making plans to party and drink with friens and go to sporting events and we never get to do any of the things that I enjoy. There is no romance or passion in our relationship. no empathy or sacrifice on his part. I feel alone all the time and then when its time to hang out I have started to dread this and would rather be alone.? Anyways, shortly after I returned from my honeymoon (which we fought every day at) I had to go on a business trip. I spent time with a colleague and we got to know each other. For some reason, I dont know how it happened, we began talking on the phone a lot. He was having trouble in his marriage and he was a great listener when I was having issues. He is a great man and a wonderful father and the more and more we talked the more I realized that he has more qualities that I like than my husband does. We would talk everyday for hours. On our way to work or whenever we had a free moment. This has turned into an emotional affair and we have both openly admitting to having feelings for each other. It got to the point where we decided to see if it was really something or if it was just wanting what we dont have. He lives in a different state so I went to see him (It was a business trip and we found time to spend together).. it was only 2 days but in those two days I have never felt the way that I did with him with anyone. He was romantic and passionat, we talked for hours and just really enjoyed being together. After I left we countinued to talk and have been ever since. We still talk for hours and connect in a way that I have never been able to with my husband. He recently told me that he was getting diviroced. Him and his wife have been having problems and now that he has met me he says that he knows that there is someone out there that he can be more compatible with. As for me and my husband things have obviously gotten worse and we have started going to couples counceling. we have only had one session and alot fo the things that I have been asking of him he for some reason is starting to do because the councelor has told him to and I can see that he is trying. It just seems to late and it seems fake. I have emotionally cut myself off from him and I know that if I tried things could maybe be better but will never be as good as what I experience with my OM. I know that this is selfish and I have never done anything like this before but this OM has filled all of the areas that were lacking in my marriage and relationship. I think about it and I dont even know what qualities I was ever attracted to in my husband. I do Love him because he is my husband and I dont want to hurt him but I feel like I may not be in love with him. I know there are no guarantees that I will be happier with the OM because I only know him through phone conversations and have not spent much time with him. But at this point I feel like if I stay with my husband I will live a lonely and miserable life. I have no faith that it will get better and part of me does not want it to get better so that I can more easily get out. I am very confused and I dont know what to do. It has only been 4 months.. should i give it more time and hope he gives me all the things that I need and does in sincerely or should i go to someone who already gives me those things and leave my husband? Please help me if you have been in this situation or if you have any advice that can make my situation more clear? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Tell your husband the truth. That you met someone else who is getting a divorce and you think there's something between you two. Since you're doing counseling, BE honest. You need to tell your counselor what is going on, then tell your husband.. otherwise counseling is a waste of time and money. Sounds like you and your H never had pre marital counseling either, didn't learn to how to communicate and listen to one another. Fighting all the time and even on your honeymoon! What were the fights about? Ask yourself how much of it is ego related (i'm right, you're wrong kind of deal) or was it truly worth fighting about? Separation might be a good idea. As for the Mm, who knows if he is telling you the truth. Don't bank on anything he says.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 They all say that. Then you'll do what countless MW have done here and other boards - get divorced thinking MM is going to follow your lead . . . but he doesn't. This guy is kick starting your divorce and you're going to be very disappointed when things don't go the way you think they're going to go. I think OP should get a divorce. She is obviously badly mismatched to her H and needs more attention. She should divorce ASAP now that there are no kids or long term history. As for the MOM, yeh, he is giving OP the standard line and as most OWs she is buying it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I will not get divorced for this man I will do it if the marriage is not working with full confidence that I would be better off on my own than with him. I know that he says he is getting divorced and he says that he has moved out.. he sent me an email from his wife telling him to be out by today last week. He is staying with her family until he can get some money and get a place on his own. I do believe him and think that he is sincere but he also knows that I want to work on my marriage before I make any drastic decisions. I just am confused because no matter what I do someone will get hurt and I dont want to hurt anyone. I am capable of myself getting hurt and ready for that but i do not want to hurt anyone else. My husband or the other man Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I agree with Pierre, get a divorce because you are an obvious mismatch and have outgrown each other prematurely. It's so much easier now while no kids are involved. If you leave to be with the MOM, prepare yourself for a roller coaster ride full of disappointments and lies. If he wants to be with you, he'll leave his wife, but until then, you should not allow him to have the best of both worlds. He'll never leave if that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Why is he staying with HER family?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 He doesnt have any family here. He moved to the US for her and all of his family is in a different country.. she left him with no money and had no where else to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Maybe to prove to me that he was not joking and was serious. Like I said he has nobody here to really talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I will not get divorced for this man I will do it if the marriage is not working with full confidence that I would be better off on my own than with him. I know that he says he is getting divorced and he says that he has moved out.. he sent me an email from his wife telling him to be out by today last week. He is staying with her family until he can get some money and get a place on his own. I do believe him and think that he is sincere but he also knows that I want to work on my marriage before I make any drastic decisions. I just am confused because no matter what I do someone will get hurt and I dont want to hurt anyone. I am capable of myself getting hurt and ready for that but i do not want to hurt anyone else. My husband or the other man You've muddled the water so much by jumping into an affair that you'll never figure out now if you and your husband are really incompatible or if you had a chance. I don't think you do have a chance for your marriage now, you've done too much damage and you ought to divorce him, he deserves better than a wife who cheats on him 4 months in. You should leave your marriage for yourself, the chances of your mm making a clean break and divorcing are almost 0. If you read around ow boards, most of them say they will, but few pull up their big boy undies and actually do it. The best chance you've got of getting your life together is divorce and be alone, until you figure out what is acceptable and good in a mate. Right now you don't have a clue. You just want someone to rescue you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I wouldnt talk to his wife. she does not know about me and it would make their divorce even harder. They have a child together and we never had an affair (physically) I would not want to cause problems for him and make it harder than it already is. According to him his wife is not very understanding and is hard to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 He has no money, but a job that allows for business trips? I'm confused. Do you really want a broke man? Also sounds like his wife is the one who wants to end it since she asked him to leave, not him. I'm with Alice; something isn't right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 hah he is not a broke man.. he makes a good living but she took all the money out of his account cause she is upset. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 It's a good thing you haven't slept with him; will help with possible trust issues you will have if and when you are both free to be together. Keep it that way; sex will only cloud your judgement more. I would cease contact with MM while both of you sort your marital issues. If its meant to be, let it happen the right way. People will get hurt either way, but not because of you. There was hurting long before or neither of you would be in this situation to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I would bet my next paycheck that the reason his wife is pissed is because this is not his first affair. You are messing with someone who has practice at this. Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 You really,really,really need to have this man checked out. When we are in love, we tend to ignore red flags. There are red flags flying all over this story. But you are too infatuated now to see. His story does sound fishy. Some men are great at playing victim. He realizes he can manipulate you by telling you his one sided version and you will have too much faith in "your love" for him to question what he says. Use logic and common sense rather than allowing your heart to rule. Do you really know if he has money or just believe what he tells you? If I had a dime for every time a woman told me the new guy she was with is broke because of the ex cleaned him out, or money is frozen in bank by divorce lawyers I would be rich. I have never been wrong yet these women were conned. The men were the ones who were being mostly supported by the wife and when the divorce came through, their easy money dried up. Also ,staying at wife's family's home? He can't rent an apartment or room for awhile?? I would 110% check on that story too. Even though your marriage may not work out, do not go from frying pan to fire! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I wouldnt talk to his wife. she does not know about me and it would make their divorce even harder. They have a child together and we never had an affair (physically) I would not want to cause problems for him and make it harder than it already is. According to him his wife is not very understanding and is hard to deal with. You've already put things out of order- because you did involve yourself in his marriage. Notice HE didn't CHOOSE to move? She kicked HIM out! His story has so many holes in it! You should get divorced. You should learn to be on your own for a long while before attempting to be with any man in the near future. You're not invested in your M and neither is your H ( from what you describe). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Your MM is a playa, but since you feel like you would be MORE compatible with a cheating husband and father, you should definitely leave your husband. You are making a joke out of the marriage counselling by not telling the truth about what you have been up to and you're wasting your husbands time. He would not be trying to be better if he knew that you're in love with a married man. You're playing a dirty trick on him. You say the married guy is a wonderful man and farther? LOL...How in the world would you know that? You've seen him interacting and parenting his child? Haha...You don't know the first thing about the guy. You think he's wonderful because that's what he wants you to think and you are blinded by fantasy and lust. I say go for it. I'm sure the cheating family man will be a much more suitable partner than your loyal sports loving husband. Please divorce your husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ow9 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Oh please don't divorce your husband. Not yet at least. My divorce from my husband was final last week. My MM told me he was leaving his wife too, but left me instead a mere 48 hours later. If you don't know if you want to be with your husband or not...go NC with the MM for a bit. He will understand, in theory, if he truly cares for you. Don't make a hasty decision...let the fog clear a bit first. I really wish you the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I will not get divorced for this man I will do it if the marriage is not working with full confidence that I would be better off on my own than with him. I know that he says he is getting divorced and he says that he has moved out.. he sent me an email from his wife telling him to be out by today last week. He is staying with her family until he can get some money and get a place on his own. I do believe him and think that he is sincere but he also knows that I want to work on my marriage before I make any drastic decisions. I just am confused because no matter what I do someone will get hurt and I dont want to hurt anyone. I am capable of myself getting hurt and ready for that but i do not want to hurt anyone else. My husband or the other man You are already driving a knife in the chest of your H. If you truly do not want to hurt your H you divorce him. You are thinking about what is convenient for you. Why do you elevate OM to the same level as your H? Why do you say? i do not want to hurt anyone else. My husband or the other man Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Please help me if you have been in this situation or if you have any advice that can make my situation more clear? Torn between my husband and a man that I love You answered your own question with the title of your thread alone. You are in love with another man, therefore you didn't love your husband enough to begin with. Its only been 4 months, and an annulment is more than possible at this point. Get a divorce, set your husband free before any more time passes. Make a clean break, take only that which you came into the marriage with. 4 months isn't enough to accumulate marital assets unless you just bought a house, of which you can sign a quit claim deed over to him. Don't waste any more of your H's time. Make the move now so he can move on with his life. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I will not get divorced for this man You shouldn't divorce FOR this other man. You should divorce because your husband deserves someone faithful. That and you didn't love him enough to be faithful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 hah he is not a broke man.. he makes a good living but she took all the money out of his account cause she is upset. Good for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 You should get a divorce. That is obvious. But it disturbs me that you are so hypercritical of your husband while all through your marriage you've been betraying him. Talking about your marital problems with a male coworker is a betrayal in itself. So you have NO grounds to complain about your husband's shortcomings at all. Just file and move. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sali0404 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 So i am guessing that this is it.. I am the bad person.. I ruined my marriage and now I deserve to be miserable and alone. It is not fishy on his end he is moving out. I know that if I try with my husband there is a chance but I will always wonder what could have been with this other man. That is the answer that I was trying to find here. I have been faithful and have not slept with this man and at least have that not on my conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 So i am guessing that this is it.. I am the bad person.. I ruined my marriage and now I deserve to be miserable and alone. It is not fishy on his end he is moving out. I know that if I try with my husband there is a chance but I will always wonder what could have been with this other man. That is the answer that I was trying to find here. I have been faithful and have not slept with this man and at least have that not on my conscience. You are not a bad person at all. Most of us have been in your shoes and we are a little harsh because we don't want you to go through what we have. You don't always see the MM for who they really are until it's too late and lives have been altered. That's why we want to quit before things get messy and decide if you want to be with your H or not. The MM should not determine you staying with your husband; this decision should be based solely on whether or not you truly believe you can spend the rest of your life with him. Nothing else should be a factor. Link to post Share on other sites
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