Torn between my husband and a man that I love

[neveragain34]

Also, you don't deserve to be miserable and alone. Sounds like you are miserable right now married. Something else to think about...

[GuyInLimbo]

Get out of this marriage immediately. It's pretty clear you guys were doomed from the beginning. And only 4 months in, you're already banging someone else. Not the way to start a healthy, long-term relationship. You've already made your decision, sweetheart. Stop looking for some sort of validation. You don't want to be with your H. Do yourselves a favor and end it NOW before you have bigger responsibilities and you waste more time in your lives.

 

And get rid of this fantasy of the other man. You are clearly too emotionally messed up to make any sane decisions. And he's still married. Again, you're setting the stage for another failure. You need to spend a few months/years on your own and in therapy to figure out what the hell you are about and what you want.

[nofool4u]

So i am guessing that this is it.. I am the bad person.

. I ruined my marriage and now I deserve to be miserable and alone.

 

No, your husband deserves to be able to move on and away from someone that is unfaithful to him, emotionally or physically.

 

Whether or not you are alone is up to you. But deciding to stay in the marriage and keep him in the dark is to only serve yourself. Your fear of being alone shouldn't be your H's problem.

 

 

It is not fishy on his end he is moving out. I know that if I try with my husband there is a chance but I will always wonder what could have been with this other man.

 

Which is why you need to set your H free from you.

 

 

That is the answer that I was trying to find here. I have been faithful and have not slept with this man and at least have that not on my conscience.

 

No, you haven't been faithful. You have been emotionally unfaithful. And in case you try to make the argument, there is a difference between a harmless fantasy, and having a burning desire to be with someone else, and wondering what could have been and stressing over it.

 

So if you stay with your H he won't know that you are emotionally unfaithful, and its not fair to him to be with someone that wonders what could have been with another man.

 

Plus you work with this guy.

 

But I suspect anything I just said won't matter to you. You want what YOU want, and what is best for your H is of secondary concern, if a concern at all.

[nofool4u]

This is now the third time I'm asking.

 

You met him on a business trip . . . do you and this man work for the same employer?

 

Yes, she said he is a colleague. And I don't believe for a minute that nothing happened on said business trip.

[18Years2Late]

Ok so I am new to this and obviously cannot talk to anyone about my problem that I am dealing with. I have recently been married.. A little more than 4 months and we have been together now for a little more than 4 years. We have always had a bit of a rocky relationship but I thought that I loved him and I know that he loves me. Since we got married things have gone way downhill. Most of our problems were situational before the wedding and we blamed the fights and the differences that we were having on the wedding planning or the fact that we wanted to get married. He is a good man but I have seen (now more that before) that we might not be compatible. He is very into sports and his friends and living a lifestyle that is not what I had in mind. I enjoy sports and friends but now that I am married my life does not revolve around them. He puts these things as a priority over me. We fight a lot about family and him not spending time with my family. We even fight about what we are going to do. He is always making plans to party and drink with friens and go to sporting events and we never get to do any of the things that I enjoy. There is no romance or passion in our relationship. no empathy or sacrifice on his part. I feel alone all the time and then when its time to hang out I have started to dread this and would rather be alone.?

 

Anyways, shortly after I returned from my honeymoon (which we fought every day at) I had to go on a business trip. I spent time with a colleague and we got to know each other. For some reason, I dont know how it happened, we began talking on the phone a lot. He was having trouble in his marriage and he was a great listener when I was having issues. He is a great man and a wonderful father and the more and more we talked the more I realized that he has more qualities that I like than my husband does. We would talk everyday for hours. On our way to work or whenever we had a free moment. This has turned into an emotional affair and we have both openly admitting to having feelings for each other. It got to the point where we decided to see if it was really something or if it was just wanting what we dont have. He lives in a different state so I went to see him (It was a business trip and we found time to spend together).. it was only 2 days but in those two days I have never felt the way that I did with him with anyone. He was romantic and passionat, we talked for hours and just really enjoyed being together. After I left we countinued to talk and have been ever since. We still talk for hours and connect in a way that I have never been able to with my husband.

 

He recently told me that he was getting diviroced. Him and his wife have been having problems and now that he has met me he says that he knows that there is someone out there that he can be more compatible with. As for me and my husband things have obviously gotten worse and we have started going to couples counceling. we have only had one session and alot fo the things that I have been asking of him he for some reason is starting to do because the councelor has told him to and I can see that he is trying. It just seems to late and it seems fake. I have emotionally cut myself off from him and I know that if I tried things could maybe be better but will never be as good as what I experience with my OM. I know that this is selfish and I have never done anything like this before but this OM has filled all of the areas that were lacking in my marriage and relationship. I think about it and I dont even know what qualities I was ever attracted to in my husband. I do Love him because he is my husband and I dont want to hurt him but I feel like I may not be in love with him. I know there are no guarantees that I will be happier with the OM because I only know him through phone conversations and have not spent much time with him. But at this point I feel like if I stay with my husband I will live a lonely and miserable life. I have no faith that it will get better and part of me does not want it to get better so that I can more easily get out. I am very confused and I dont know what to do. It has only been 4 months.. should i give it more time and hope he gives me all the things that I need and does in sincerely or should i go to someone who already gives me those things and leave my husband?

 

Please help me if you have been in this situation or if you have any advice that can make my situation more clear?

 

Where's the stab myself in the eye icon?...

 

#1-divorce ur H...they don't change...and they shouldn't have to...there's someone out there he will accept him, his sports, his friends, and partying...it's not you and that's OK...you've only been M for 4 months and there's no babies...walk away...before u spend 16 yrs with someone ur not compatable with and have 3 kids and boat loads of marital assets...

 

#2-go find someone else to enjoy...NOT MM...read my story...he's lying is a$$ off to get in ur pants...my MM files for D 6-7 months before I filed mine...he kept whining about me doing it so we could b out on the open ASAP and M as soon as both D final...my D will be final on Jan. 7th...he's currently trying to get out of his...isn't that special?...his W filed so I'm not sure how well it's working out for him and I don't care...actually I do care...I hope she's laughing her a$& off all the way to the court house...I hope he's miserable and lonely...

 

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!...STEP AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!!!...it will forever burn your soul...DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID...it's poison and you'll die inside while pretending to be living on the outside...

[18Years2Late]

Almost forgot the most important thing...

 

NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER...

 

Fish from the company pier!!!!!

 

Married or not...don't do it...do u really want to work with ur SO anyway????...

[HaveFaithxx]

It sounds like you don't want your husband to change. You say you go to counseling and because of that he is making an effort to change.....instead of encouraging him or appreciating it, you write that his efforts "seem fake"?!?! Isn't that what happens when people go to counselling?

 

I cheated on my husband, he put his work and social life "first" or so I felt. Biggest mistake of my life, 15 years later I regret it immensely.

 

But, it doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage, that you understand how much hard work it can be at times. You need to grow up and mature first. That is why you should leave him. Your husband, btw, just sounds like the typical guy: sports, hanging out with friends. Google this and you will see that 90% of girlfriends/wives are complaining about the same thing, lol.

[HaveFaithxx]

*Sorry, I mean my ex husband. He will never take me back, I didnt deserve him.

[sali0404]

Not that I dont appreciate all of the replys because it is nice to know what other people thing, but I must say the things that you have written to me have been extremely judgemental. I know becasue you dont know me it is very easy for you to all say the the things that you have said to me. I have really thought about everything the last few days and have started to distance myself from the OM. As I do beleive the things that he is telling me that are going on in his life, I am thinking that maybe the only reason why I feel so strong toward him is becasue he ha filled the void in the areas that my husband lacks. I do not have a problem with my huband liking sports and his friends. I know that that is every man. My issue with him is the lack of romance and passion and feeling like a priority. We need to work on these things and I do love him very much. I know you say that i have been unfaithful having an emotional affair and you are probably right.. but I am human and have needs too. I did not sleep with this man regardless of what any of you think. I came on here to ask advice from people and to be able to talk to someone about my problem that is deeplly troubling me. I didnt need to be harrassed and called names. If you have all really been in this situation than you will know that it does not feel good to get kicked when you are already down. For those of you with nice things to say and helpful advice.. Thank you..

[jwi71]

Sali,

 

Read it all.

Accept that which resonates.

Disregard the rest.

 

You did in fact cheat on your H. And here's an easy litmus test: tell him what you wrote here. It's a great little test really. Anything that you not do in the presence of your spouse but do anyway is crossing some line or boundary.

 

Cheating does not define you and doesn't necessarily define your M. It is a series of bad choices largely influenced by our internal process/thinking to external events. N your case, feeling not wanted, need or valuable.

 

It needn't be the end of anything - even posting here. LS does offer a good value add. Most people here have been an OW or have strayed themselves or been the BS. Lots of great and painfully earned experience.

 

I hope you can find an IC or an MC to help you and your H reconnect.

Of course, if you don't want to then I hope you have an amicable D.

 

But don't continue as is. It's not good for you, your H and any potential ON you may take if nothing changes.

[sali0404]

I know that I am emotional and I have a part of me that needs that void filled. I have never been a cheater in the past and have always hated people who cheat ( my dad cheated on my mom and they divorced when I was very young.., too young to remember) I validate the point that I have not slept with him only so that you have the facts clear and when reading your posts I have seen things said such as me banging another man and so on and that is not the case. I am not proud of what I have done and I know that I have disrespected my husband by talking to another man behind his back. I would not want him to see this post becasue I am afraid of what he would say or do. I do think that I am starting to get in the right direction but I just want to move forward and try to have a happy marriage with my husbad. We have started marriage counceling but it is too soon to see if it will help.

 

By the way I am not very good at all these anogreams.. can someone tell me what IC is?

[jwi71]

IC is individual counseling.

 

MC is not easy. Of course, it's not supposed to be easy. If you are in MC and it's easy then change MC. MC, for me, is to challenge the partners to actually face the issues so the M improves. That each partner improves. And it's hard - no one likes hearing their spouse complain about them. What's worse, seeing absolute pain because of what we do and say - or don't do and say.

 

It's all about change - which is so easy right

 

If your MC asks if either one of you has had an A what will you say?

 

That question is hard isn't it. That's why IC helps. An IC is just you and the IC. Much easier to answer it there huh. Always is. So seek an IC to help compliment the MC.

 

Whatever you do don't quit. Push through. Answer openly and honestly. Look into the dark recesses of your heart. By facing it we strip it of power and regain control over ourselves and our lives.

 

You're gonna get dirty going through this. Luckily, it washes off.

 

Keep it up. You'll make it.

 

(don't quit)

[nofool4u]

Not that I dont appreciate all of the replys because it is nice to know what other people thing, but I must say the things that you have written to me have been extremely judgemental. I know becasue you dont know me it is very easy for you to all say the the things that you have said to me.

 

Knowing you is irrelevant. You cheated on your husband. Plain and simple, end of story.

 

What you are being told is the truth, your H DOES deserve to be able to move on and find someone that will be faithful to him. Are we wrong? Or does he deserve a cheater?

 

 

I have really thought about everything the last few days and have started to distance myself from the OM.

 

All fine and dandy, but your husband is still married to someone that cheated on him.

 

 

As I do beleive the things that he is telling me that are going on in his life, I am thinking that maybe the only reason why I feel so strong toward him is becasue he ha filled the void in the areas that my husband lacks. I do not have a problem with my huband liking sports and his friends. I know that that is every man. My issue with him is the lack of romance and passion and feeling like a priority. We need to work on these things and I do love him very much.

 

Uh huh. So you are going to let your husband believe that his lack of passion is the problem, all the while letting him think he doesn't have a cheating wife?

You are going to have him thinking he is the one that has done wrong in this marriage.

 

 

I know you say that i have been unfaithful having an emotional affair and you are probably right.. but I am human and have needs too.

 

Everyone is human. Not all of us betray the ones we love. Spare us the whole "i'm human" thing. Its said in the spirit of trying to gain pity and minimize your actions.

 

 

I did not sleep with this man regardless of what any of you think. I came on here to ask advice from people and to be able to talk to someone about my problem that is deeplly troubling me.

 

And you are getting it from people who are/were in your husband's shoes. We represent more than likely what he would think if he knew the truth.

 

 

I didnt need to be harrassed and called names.

 

First off, what names? If you are referring to the label "cheater", that is a proper description of your actions.

 

Secondly, you are being told what you should do, you just don't like it and call it harassment.

 

So I'm guessing you are going to keep your H in the dark and not tell him out of fear of being alone, am I right?

 

 

If you have all really been in this situation than you will know that it does not feel good to get kicked when you are already down.

 

Yes, most of us have been in this situation...on your H's side of the betrayal fence.

 

For those of you with nice things to say and helpful advice.. Thank you..

 

Helpful to you is hearing what you want to hear and not being told the truth, and the truth is your H deserves to be able to move on and find someone who will be faithful to him. Or do you think he deserves to have someone who cheats on him?

[nofool4u]

Cheating does not define you and doesn't necessarily define your M.

 

That really is up to her husband to decide. But he is going to be kept in the dark.

[nofool4u]

We have started marriage counceling but it is too soon to see if it will help.

 

If you aren't going to be honest with H or the therapist, then counseling will be a waste of time. All that will happen is your H will be made to think he is the one that needs to change in this marriage and doesn't realize he has a wife that will run to another man when she isn't getting her way.

 

Counseling without your H knowing the entire truth will be a huge gaslighting session.

[sali0404]

NoFool4U.. Obviously your ex wife or whatever has cheated on you and you are very bitter about it. I dont know your situation but it seems that you use this forum to let out your anger on women who might be in the same situation. I can take responsibility for my actions and admit that I have not been the perfect wife here.. but there are reasons that people stray from their marriage and you can take a bit of responsibility for that too. When my husband and I were happy the thought of any other man never drifted into my head. its when i found out about lies and broken promises that i started to question the marriage. You might want to see an IC so that you can deal with allthe issues that you have with the anger toward your wife. I know that couldnt have been an easy thing to go through and i feel bad that you have had hurt in your past and present. I am not saying that whatever your W did to you was deserved but there ware two sides to every story.

[nofool4u]

NoFool4U.. Obviously your ex wife or whatever has cheated on you and you are very bitter about it.

 

Why you say that as if people that have suffered at the hands of people like you aren't entitled.

 

Nah, truthfully, the bitterness is long gone. Still doesn't mean I can't call it like I see it, and be upset and sad for your husband. But you can keep doing the "bitter" lame if you wish. Thats just what unapologetic cheaters say.

 

 

I dont know your situation but it seems that you use this forum to let out your anger on women who might be in the same situation.

 

Nice try. I tell men the same thing. Its not a gender thing. Its a cheater thing.

 

 

I can take responsibility for my actions and admit that I have not been the perfect wife here

 

No, you aren't taking responsibility because you will keep your H in the dark on this. He is going to think the burden of working on the marriage lies with him. He doesn't know that there are major things in you that need to be changed because you will keep it from him.

 

 

 

but there are reasons that people stray from their marriage and you can take a bit of responsibility for that too.

 

Nope. Everyone can take responsibility for the state of their marriage. Only the cheater has responsibility for straying.

 

So basically you just blamed your husband for your cheating if you believe that the BS is responsible for your choice to cheat.

 

 

When my husband and I were happy the thought of any other man never drifted into my head. its when i found out about lies and broken promises that i started to question the marriage. You might want to see an IC so that you can deal with allthe issues that you have with the anger toward your wife.

 

Nope, no anger towards her. She did me a favor and is getting hers in spades with her new man.

 

Still doesn't mean stories of cheaters that won't take full responsibility, and continue to abuse their spouse in the form of lying doesn't cheese some of us off from time to time.

 

 

I know that couldnt have been an easy thing to go through and i feel bad that you have had hurt in your past and present.

 

 

See, this is it right here. It wasn't easy to go through. Now you know what your H is facing. Thats the point.

 

But no hurt in the present. That went away when I divorced her. Again, you don't have to be hurting to be disgusted by people doing wrong and will continue to do wrong.

 

 

I am not saying that whatever your W did to you was deserved but there ware two sides to every story.

 

Nah, you are just saying that I bear responsibility for her cheating, just like you are saying your husband is partly responsible for yours.

 

If that were a true cause and effect statement, then I would have cheated on my x-wife.

 

The health of the marriage takes both spouses. The decision to cheat is solely the responsibility of the WS.

 

And since the health of the marriage takes two, and you clearly are going to lie, and keep from your H that you cheated in marriage counseling, then what is it that you are going to bulls**t him and the therapist about which you need to work on if they don't know the truth?

[sali0404]

To answer the question Alice.. Yes we work for the same company but not the same location. I have know him for a few years and never had any thing more than friendship. I have stopped talking to this mad for the last few days and you will be happy to know nofool4u I have told my H everything. He was not happy and we did fight but he said he understand and wants to work through it. I have come to realize that I never loved this man but as many of you have told me was just infatuated and maybe lusting. We have an apr tomorrow with our MC and will be workin through this. It was scary to tell him but I didnt want him to think that it was all his fault. I know I am to blame and am ashamed which is why I is so hard to hear some of the things. I am generally a good person and feel that now that everything is on the table we can really see If being married is right for us.

[nofool4u]

To answer the question Alice.. Yes we work for the same company but not the same location. I have know him for a few years and never had any thing more than friendship. I have stopped talking to this mad for the last few days and you will be happy to know nofool4u I have told my H everything.

 

Fantastic!

 

 

He was not happy and we did fight but he said he understand and wants to work through it.

 

I don't doubt it, but there is something you should know. Not saying your husband will be the same, but in my case, as with alot of BS on here, I wanted to initially work it out too. Why? Because it was devastating, and I couldn't imagine family life as I knew it turned upside down.

 

What happened? After the fog lifted, I got angry. I started thinking clearly and not like a lapdog.

 

Now not saying your husband will divorce you, but don't kid yourself if you think you aren't going to see any real anger. The best is yet to come. And when it does, you need to understand and not get defensive.

 

 

I have come to realize that I never loved this man but as many of you have told me was just infatuated and maybe lusting. We have an apr tomorrow with our MC and will be workin through this. It was scary to tell him but I didnt want him to think that it was all his fault.

 

Which was the point I was making. Very good.

 

 

I know I am to blame

 

You are to blame for your choice to cheat. You both are responsible for how healthy your marriage is.

 

 

and am ashamed which is why I is so hard to hear some of the things. I am generally a good person and feel that now that everything is on the table we can really see If being married is right for us.

 

Very well.

[coffeebean201]

I'm feeling uncomfortable about how this poster is being hounded for answers to questions, with long diatribes about cheating.

 

It is a great forum, but she is here looking for answers and a safe place to talk and listen.

 

Having said that there is lots of good conversation here - from everyone.

[nofool4u]

I'm feeling uncomfortable about how this poster is being hounded for answers to questions, with long diatribes about cheating.

 

It is a great forum, but she is here looking for answers and a safe place to talk and listen.

 

Exactly. And if we all blew smoke up her arse and told her that keeping her husband in the dark was ok, or advised her to keep quiet, her H would still be working on a marriage without knowing all the facts.