What do you do when MM will not stop contacting you?

[Fran_H]

Hi

 

I am seeking advice because I am at the end of my rope at the moment. I will try to keep it brief , because I am sure you have all heard this story a million times over, and I am not going to kid myself that its different for me.

 

Brief history , met MM when I was 17 and he was 20. Lost touch, he got married, I got married, I had kids, so did he. I contacted him through the internet, just to say hi, and to see how he was getting on (this was 10 years later by the way). He was doing okay and we kept up a platonic friendship for about 3 years. We live about 3,000 miles apart. We eventually met up, and I fell for him all over again. He confided in me that he and his W had not been intimate for a number of years and that he wanted to get a divorce. I believed him and I told him how unhappy I was in my relationship. By this time I had had many years of abuse from my H. So I got rid of H (told him I had someone else) and he terrorised me for 3 years. During this time MM was planning to leave W and we planned a new life together. I was prepared to move to be near him, leave my family, job, house. But, you'll never guess what, HE DIDN'T LEAVE. Bet that surprised you all!

 

Soooo, I like to think I am a pretty smart person, I know the stats. I know he won't do it. I have told him many times that I want to end it. I really do. At present we see each other about 3 to 4 times a year and talk by phone email most days. The last time I saw him I acted very badly because I feel so bitter about everything. I have told him not to call me, but still he does. I have started dating others I know I am only doing it to hurt him. Even though he does not even know. Could not even imagine being intimate with anyone else.

 

So I am feeling awful right now. The worst thing is not being able to confide in anyone because I feel so ashamed to have got involved with him in the first place.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Mr Spock]

Tell him to go f*ck himself. That might stop it. You are in love with him apparently-and I don't think you're going to be able to shut it off any time soon. I normally don't like crazy women, but one way to end it is to get HIM to do Threaten to tell his wife-his friends, family. It may hurt more to have him end it but you need to be free to move on either way.

[FolderWife]

You already know that you need to forget all about this man.

 

My husband's mother would call us pretty much daily, and he didn't want to have anything to do with her. So we got an unlisted number. You could get a new e-mail address as well, or just not respond to his e-mails.

 

He's only still calling, because he thinks that's what you want.

 

You could always tell his wife about your affair. That would make him hate you, and THEN he'd leave you alone. Do you really want advice on how to get him to leave you alone, or do you want advice on how to get over him?

 

The only way to get over someone, is to only focus on their bad points.

 

for this man, it's easy...he's a liar, who's cheated on his wife, and who's lied to his woman on the side, saying that he's going to leave his family...and being a previous other woman myself, I'm aware that if he's formerly comitted, he's probably stood you up on more dates than you can count! You are at the mercy of his wife. If she wants him to visit his mothers with her, your movie date with him will have to wait. If she wants him to take her shopping at 9 at night, your usualy 9:30 phone call has to wait until he gets home.

 

There have probably been more instances than not that you were waiting on him to meet you somewhere, and he was on his way when you talked to him 10 minutes ago, but you don't hear from him for 2 hours, because right after he got off the phone with you HE CALLED HER, and she asked him to stop by work, and drop her off a burger, and of course he couldn't say no to her, and he wasn't near a phone, so he couldn't call you, bla bla bla....

 

Just realize within yourself that you're better than this, and by golly you don't have to take it. MOVE AWAY. I've already decided that if I divorce my husband, I won't be able to live in this town, because every road, and every mall in this town has a memory of him attached to it. It would hurt to much to BREATH here.

 

So I'm going to move to Florida, and go to college if I get divorced

 

In your situation, pick out a place that you have always wanted to visit (I've never seen the ocean) and GO THERE! You have no ties any more, so what are you waiting for!!??! Get away from the memories...get away from the hopes and dreams you have in this town...get away from HIM!

 

If you can't afford it, get a loan to go to college on...I understand that you don't have to pay for college loans until after you've been out of college 6 months, correct? Move somewhere great, and start a new life for yourself, and do something that YOU love...

 

No more married men.

 

No more abusive men.

 

It's time to focus on being happy, and not making some man happy.

[Cis]

Hi Fran!

 

My situation is very similar. He contacted me...hadn't seen him in 30 years. We "fell in love" over emails. Started talking and then visited (4 times total). We also live 3,000 miles apart.

 

I have emails wherein he says that our relationship is the most amazing and important thing that has EVER happened to him - a religious, erotic, spiritiual experience that makes him know that I am the woman he is meant to be with!

 

So I am serious (temporary insanity) about this ...I'm ready to bolt from my very nice husband and adequate marriage. But then my married beloved rethinks everything after our visits and concludes that he can't really make any changes, but wants to be friends.

 

So I've tried the friend thing....but I'm not there. So we have little tiffs and yesterday he told me to leave him alone. So I DO want to leave him alone....but I'm weak..

 

Can anyone tell me how to bounce back and block emails on Microsoft Outlook???

[littleflowerpot]

you need to decide if this is something you've decided to do or not. you can't be wishy washy because it gives him the go ahead to keep contact. i know it hurts but the hurt isn't gonna stop until you move on. then, when and if you've decided you are serious about breaking off all contact you will have to accept some responsibility. if he emails, don't read it much less answer it. if he calls and you have caller i.d. on your phone (does anyone not have that anymore?), don't pick it up. if he leaves you a message, don't listen to it before you erase it.

 

believe me, i know all that is easier said than done so you'll need a good support system to talk to about it. if you don't have friends and family that you feel okay talking to about it, come here. read about other people's situations. it DOES help. it makes you realize you aren't alone and some people might even have it worse.

 

above all, believe in yourself.

 

cis, you don't need to block emails. if you see them, just don't read them. if you feel weak, come back here and calm yourself before giving in to temptation. a lot of times you can gain some strength from this place. even if it's just temporary, it's long enough to resist him a little bit longer. eventually with enough work and resolve, the periods of strength will get longer and longer. you'll even begin to be proud of yourself again.

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Tell him to go f*ck himself. That might stop it. You are in love with him apparently-and I don't think you're going to be able to shut it off any time soon. I normally don't like crazy women, but one way to end it is to get HIM to do Threaten to tell his wife-his friends, family. It may hurt more to have him end it but you need to be free to move on either way.

 

This is one tactic I have not tried, and I have been embroiled in this for so long I thought I had tried them all. Get him to end it. But I don't think it would work, because he knows I would never tell his W. Or does he? So, when he calls me, what do I do? Just act like a crazy woman and scream 'I've had enough of this, I am calling your W'? I've never done that so it will throw him completely. I do love him, but I don't care about the hurt of ending the relationship. As you say in the States 'BRING IT ON!'. After nearly four years of being the OW I am well equipped to deal with pain. Pain with a meaning to it sounds really cool right now. The never ending pain of a soul destroying relationship is what I need to be free of.

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by Monday

 

He's only still calling, because he thinks that's what you want.

 

You could always tell his wife about your affair. That would make him hate you, and THEN he'd leave you alone. Do you really want advice on how to get him to leave you alone, or do you want advice on how to get over him?

 

 

No more married men.

 

No more abusive men.

 

It's time to focus on being happy, and not making some man happy.

 

Why would he think I still want him to contact me? When I told him not to contact me I did it in a very level headed way. Do I have to be nasty to get him to believe I really mean it?

 

I really don't want to tell his W, because I know I would never forgive myself.

 

 

Terrific advice Monday, you are so right. I went out of the frying pan and into the fire. I know I can be happy once I get this thing over and done with.

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by Cis

 

So I am serious (temporary insanity) about this ...I'm ready to bolt from my very nice husband and adequate marriage. But then my married beloved rethinks everything after our visits and concludes that he can't really make any changes, but wants to be friends.

 

 

Cis

 

Yes, our situations do sound very similar. But I would urge you to think very carefully about leaving your marriage. It was different for me because my H was an abusive drunk. I am glad I left him, it was the only good thing to come out of this whole A. Don't give up a good thing for the promises of a MM, because if they do not materialise (and the chances are they won't) you will have lost out twice over.

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by littleflowerpot

you need to decide if this is something you've decided to do or not. you can't be wishy washy because it gives him the go ahead to keep contact. i know it hurts but the hurt isn't gonna stop until you move on. then, when and if you've decided you are serious about breaking off all contact you will have to accept some responsibility. if he emails, don't read it much less answer it. if he calls and you have caller i.d. on your phone (does anyone not have that anymore?), don't pick it up. if he leaves you a message, don't listen to it before you erase it.

 

 

I am serious about this flowerpot. But I may have appeared wishy washy to him because he knows I love him and I have always given in to him in the past. I don't have caller ID, but I have stopped answering the phone when I know its him (late night calls are always from him). Also I have three children in the house and I cannot ask them not to answer the phone. I changed my number when my crazy ex H kept calling me in the middle of the night, so I don't want to have to do that again. But I will consider it if it proves to be the only option. But he knows my work number anyway and I can't change that.

 

Listen to me making excuses, don't you just want to slap me! I know exactly how to get rid of someone, I did it with H. I had to be totally ruthless with him. I need to stop making excuses.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Fran_H

This is one tactic I have not tried, and I have been embroiled in this for so long I thought I had tried them all. Get him to end it. But I don't think it would work, because he knows I would never tell his W. Or does he? So, when he calls me, what do I do? Just act like a crazy woman and scream 'I've had enough of this, I am calling your W'? I've never done that so it will throw him completely. I do love him, but I don't care about the hurt of ending the relationship. As you say in the States 'BRING IT ON!'. After nearly four years of being the OW I am well equipped to deal with pain. Pain with a meaning to it sounds really cool right now. The never ending pain of a soul destroying relationship is what I need to be free of.

 

When it does end, it will be like someone lifting a cinderblock off your chest. I promise. The self torturing will end. You will be free.

[supermom]

Call his wife and tell her to keep her dog on a leash!

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

When it does end, it will be like someone lifting a cinderblock off your chest. I promise. The self torturing will end. You will be free.

 

Spock I just got off the phone with MM. I told him that I really wanted to move on with my life, and quoted alot of stuff you people have been telling me. He was a bit taken aback I think. He tried to draw me into another 'I'm leaving her' scenario, but I refused to be drawn in. I told him it wasn't open for discussion, I told him no, its over. Hardest thing I have ever done I have to say. I just kept thinking of that cinderblock Spock.

 

Thank you everyone for giving me the strength to do this, I had no idea I had it in me. I should have done this a long time ago. He told me I was making a huge mistake. I don't think I have though.

 

I don't think I'll need to get caller ID. I am sure he won't contact me this time. I did not threaten to tell his W though. Maybe I should have thrown that in for good measure!

[freefromMM]

Be prepared. He will be back. It took mine less than 24 hours. And after I told his wife, it took him less time than that. Of course he just wanted to apologize to me for lying about not being married...so I heard from friends. But I changed my phone numbers both home and cell and asked our mutual friends to limit the play by play between us. Also the wife was calling.

 

There is a poem that you should look up...its called "I won't call him" by Merritt Malloy. It talks about having a clear-eyed wisdom to reach out for things that wont turn away and to pursue whats really worth the climb. Dvelop that clear-eyed wisdom by being with yourself and liking who you are again. I found my self-concept to be very discordant after being invovled with a MM. I was out of tune not able to clearly focus on the underlying issue of me and why I let something like this happen. For it takes two to communicate and if you do not like someone it is very easy not to communicate. Likewise, even if you do love him, he is not in your best interest and there is someone that you should love and put above him...that is your own self interests and your children. "Me. myself and I, I found out that's all I have in the end and from now on, I gonna be my own best friend" Beyonce...yes Beyonce listen to that song its about this kind of affair.

 

When a person tells you who they are, believe them! (not my saying but can't remember the author..maybe Maya Angelou).In this case, MM show us that they are liers, cheaters, emotionally dishonest, greedy, selfish and narcissistic. It took me once to learn, my first relationship as a virgin was with a married man and lasted off and on for 8 years.

 

This last encounter with a guy who like the first did not tell was a different experience. I interject this to say....there is always something that draws two people together. IF it fits your needs at the time and does not cause you moral, physical, spiritual or psychic angst...then its OK (not bashing OW invovled now ). But I had been down that road before and I knew the dangers. I knew where the potholes were that would tear up or swallow your car(me). I am into self-preservation.

 

But once your recognize that you can no longer reconcile the truth and reality of the arrangement....you will begin to suffer badly. You are there. Keep suffering because you will never go for the head fake again. Work through it, not against it. It is painful like birth. But the joy comes after the work, not before it. Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. And the end product..your dignity, self-worth, and self-awareness will increase greatly.

 

Good luck be strong and be honest with your children so that you do not have to answer his calls. I told my daughter to tell him that I moved! (After I explained to her that mommy 's friendship ended and he is a little upset, be polite, but if he engages you in any talk, please hang up on him). Unplug your phone at night or in the day for that fact. At work simply hang up or charge him with harassment. It really is easy but you must stand your ground. it's for you, do something for yourself. You deserve it!

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by freefromMM

Be prepared. He will be back.

 

Keep suffering because you will never go for the head fake again. Work through it, not against it. It is painful like birth. But the joy comes after the work, not before it. Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. And the end product..your dignity, self-worth, and self-awareness will increase greatly.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to write. You speak very wise words, I can see you know exactly where I am at at the moment.

 

You were right by the way, he called back in less than an hour. I stood my ground though even though he really did his best. If he is not nominated at this years oscars I want to know why. I did not allow myself to be taken in by his words, although when you are feeling bad its all to easy to go for the head fake. I never thought of it like that before, but you are bang on with that one. I kept repeating that I was not going to continue having any kind of relationship with him and that he should stop calling and emailing me.

 

He was not happy with that, but he said he could cope with it if I reassured him that I still loved him. At this point I realised he was just dragging it out. And I was allowing him to do it. So here I am in the same position. he said he would stop calling and emailing if this is what I want. I told him AGAIN that that was exactly what I wanted. This is getting to be a bit like Groundhog Day!

 

I am going shopping tomorrow for a phone with caller ID.

[FolderWife]

Didja get caller id yet

[Fran_H]

No, I thought I would just see what happened. He did call and I got very angry with him, and I told him I was going to tell his W if he called me again. He thought I was out of line saying that. But I told him I didn't care what he thought. I told him while he was with his W he was never to contact me again.

 

So he sent me roses. To my office.He has never done anything like this before. I wish he hadn't. I got 12 roses, I bet W got 24 because he felt guilty. He called later to see if I got them. I said yes, thank you they were beautiful but it didn't change anything. My Mum thinks I am ungrateful and that I should hang on in there. She knows him and she thinks the world of him, but she skirts round the issue of his W. But I do not let her see just how much it upsets me, butI think she has a good idea. Interesting thought because my Dad cheated on my Mum for years. With the same woman and my Dad is now married to his O/W and has been for nearly 20 years. My Mum never forgave O/W (she was her friend) and family events are still very awkward. This is why I am so disgusted at myself for allowing myself to get into this position. I know what its like to be the 9 year old who's Dad who she adores is cheating. Why am I risking someone else's child hurting like I did?Or some other woman hurting like my own mother did?

 

This is all getting too deep for me.

[Cis]

Fran-

 

Your instincts are good. Stay with them. I wish I had. After a week of emails I told my beloved that I didn't want to continue because I was afraid that I would be developing an intimacy with him that I should be developing with my husband. I said that completely unconsciously - not really knowing what I was saying or what it meant....

 

Nine months later - I'm an emotional basket case because I did not follow those instincts and I let him draw me in to a love affair that has left me pretty broken.

 

So stay with you instincts. Stay strong and every time you speak with him again, know that you are bonding with him more...so try really really hard to stop.

[Fran_H]

Its not as hard as I thought, because I know there is no going back. I have made my decision and if I go back on that then I know I am setting myself up for a load more hurt.

 

But he seems to have other ideas. I know I have just been propping him up in his marriage, and he is scared to lose me. Sometimes I think he just calls me to satisfy himself that I am home and not out with another guy.

 

The phone calls are not really a problem now because I have this sick feeling in my stomach thats telling me its over. No amount of roses, phone calls or protestations of undying love are going to change that. I have read too much on this forum to carry on with this sad relationship. I know its over, and its only a matter of time until he realises it too.

 

Its very sad for me to lose him, and very sad for him too. But at least we are the only two people who got hurt.

[Mr Spock]

YAY Fran!! Hokey once told a poster when she was considering calling it off to say "Contact me when you're single. I won't wait for you, but if I'm single at the time I may consider giving the relationship a chance"

 

It's very freeing, very liberating to stop all the drama. Don't play into his ego by assuring him you still love him.

[Fran_H]

Yeah, trying to stop all the drama. Had NC for two days now. Had friends over for dinner. They have just left and now I am feeling miserable and lonely. I really want to call him, or at least email him. But I know there's nothing left to say. I just miss him so damn much

[Cis]

I know just how you feel.... Mr "Leave Me Alone" and I haven't emailed for a big 6 days! I'm dying...but Fran we have to stay strong. They say the first 21 days are the hardest - if we can get through that we will start feeling better.

 

I miss him so much. I don't know why. He was really mean. He was unable or unwilling to dialogue with me - he expected me to accept his decrees - without question. That's not my style. I don't take that from my husband - I'm not going to take that from my "friend".

 

It will be so great to not deal with the drama - the sick stomach, the heartache. Just remember how great it was to be normal!

[Fran_H]

I can do 21 days. I'm going on holiday on Tuesday and I will be uncontactable for 2 weeks. I am looking forward to that.

 

I know I am being a real jerk here after saying how much I didn't want him to contact me. I know its better if he doesn't and I just feel worse when he does contact me. But knowing I am doing the right thing does not stop me missing him. Got to keep thinking about the positive stuff. Like he is not able to bring me down in the space of a five minute phone call because he mentioned something about his everyday life that I could not handle. Because I was not a part of it. And that used to happen alot.

 

Glad I've got someone to talk to Cis, thanks.

[Cis]

Your holiday is perfect timing. I hope you enjoy yourself. Did you ever see the Jim Carey film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? In that movie there was a medical procedure wherein you could have all memories of a specific person removed from your brain....oh how I wish I could have that procedure!

[Passion2Give]

Hey Everybody

 

My MM announced that he was moving to Georgia due to his W wants to move to be with her family. He said the only reason he is going because he wants to be with his kids (Whatever). They have already shipped the kids to Georgia. His w is sick and she has no family here. He asked me to go with him because he wants us to be together and he cannot be without me (OH LORD). I told no, because I am ready for us to end and I see this as way out without anyone getting hurt. We were together for a year and he moved out to go back to his W. Then we have been sneaking around for a year and some change. I am tired of being second fiddle, I am ready to direct the orchestra. I want to be with a man who I have I don't have to be on the sneak tip with. I actually seeing the MM leaving as a blessing. The w is suppose to leave next month and he suppose to be here until his job can transfer him and when their lease ends. He said he should be moving at the end of Sept or October. I want us to have a clean break no looking back and my question is will he be back? Where we live now is his home town. I am not originally from NJ and I want to leave here once I finish my business here.

 

I am so glad that he is leaving and this means that I can pursue true happiness without him popping in and out of my life. I even told him I would help him pack. I know that he is never going to leave his wife. He had me draw a separation agreement up for him, but W said the only way she will sign it if he pays her 800 in child support. For me working in law field as a divorce paralegal he is not ready to divorce her. I tell him all the time it is cheaper to keep her. I also say let them be miserable together, because I am going to move on. I am just tired of hearing him say how much of a b**ch she is and how so unhappy he is we know that story. Well good people I will keep you posted on what is going on.

 

I do not say much...but what everybody post sure has helped through this mess and I am glad that I am not alone as being the OW. Please stop by and say hi.

 

Thanks for listening

 

Passion