Scared of making phone calls

[Pompom]

Yes, you read that right. So far members of this forum have been really patient and helpful with my more or less weird issues, so here's another

 

I have a phobia of calling people. Not answering, just calling. As a teen I was very lonely so I would call people all the time, including, or mostly, strangers. Usually dog breeders because I really wanted a dog so I called to ask about their breeds, litters, etc. and I admit it was usually just chitchat I wanted as some of the breeds hardly interested me. At some point, this went sour because some were annoyed at my dumb teen talk.

Later, in my 20s, I had a friend I was very close to. I called him a few times, very few, less than his other friends did. But he for some reason kept gently - as if I'm some dumb but benign head case - telling me that my calling him was "problematic", weird, even used the word "stalking". I called him for the same reasons his other friends and coworkers did, I never called in the middle of the night to tell him I had just torched my grandmother.

 

Well, I guess all the unpleasant call experiences made me scared of calling people because I'm afraid they may deem me annoying, overly attached, a stalker, a creep, needy, etc. The only people I can confidently call, are my parents. I know people give me their number to use it, but so did that other friend I mentioned. See how that turned out.

 

Now I made a friend who I immediately had feelings for, and after 2 weeks he started calling several times daily. His every call brightened my day despite trouble understanding him (his phone is crap).

3 weeks ago we took it a bit further when I went down on him, but before and after he had seemed genuinely fond of me. One week before that, I started to train for a new job in another part of the country and hardly came home. During all that time, he never called. At some point I gathered my courage to call him, caught him at work but thought it okay as he often called me from work himself. He sounded less than thrilled but promised to call back later. He did but the connection was interrupted a few times. He never called back.

When the training period was over, he called me the same evening just as I got home. He complained about my not calling. I explained to him that I thought his radio silence meant he wanted space, and that I wanted to let him decide when to talk so as not to bother him. That made sense to him, but that had been the last time he called me, 6 days ago.

He tends to ignore instant messages, only once we had a short convo when he invited me over 2 days ago, and just as I got out of the bathroom, said he couldn't after all as something'd come up. He wanted to call me the next day, but didn't. Should I have called instead? Did it seem uninterested of me not to call when he said he would?

 

I'm really confused. On one hand, he did seem eager to be in touch, on the other hand, he ignores IMs and calls a lot less lately. But he complained about my not calling. I don't want to seem disinterested, but I also don't want to seem needy. So both calling and not calling could ruin this relationship before it's even begun. This is exactly why I'm scared of calling and his unenthused tone the one time I did gather the courage, wasn't helpful. My stomach churned when I finally dialled. I need a rewarding experience for a change.

 

I really, really miss him. He makes the most boring moments precious for me and for once it might actually be mutual. I don't want to mess things up, but I feel like my every move might. He says I have a standing invitation to his place, he says I should call more, but he is too quiet for that to be enough at this point. I feel like I should make a move, on the other hand, my last move was another IM that went ignored

[Under The Radar]

I understand your hesitation to contact him being that he seemed "lukewarm" when you previously called. However, from what you wrote it does seem like he is interested in you. If he wasn't why would he say you have a "standing offer anytime" to visit?

 

Your post clearly conveys how important he is to you. Despite your fear of coming across "needy" ,or risking rejection on his part, your best move (IMO) IS to call him.

 

You will find out soon enough if he is receptive and the relationship has potential for something more meaningful/long term.

[AKollegeGuy]

I know how u feel. I have a very close friend who is unreliable when it comes to calls. Sometimes he won't answer because of some reason or he says he'll call me back but he'll forget. I get tensed up because calling him is basically a gamble.

 

My advice is to get in touch with him, face-to-face, and explain your feelings. Get to know when is and isn't a good time to call "i.e. he's at work, with family, ect" and vice versa. You have to let him know how you feel otherwise it'll continue to eat at you.

[Pompom]

Thanks Meanwhile I did chat with him. For one, he seems to miss many IMs. I explained to him my call phobia, he said it was okay and that his silence is because he's currently thinking about what to do with his life. He does have quite a few problems and I did have a feeling it was because of that, but I tend to suspect things are personal all the time. He told me I was alright though, and I told him not to be shy if he needs anything. I guess now the ball's in his court.