Incoming closure - Meeting ex in two days:: Tips?

[Tmo2]

Hi everyone!

 

I am meeting a girl who dumped me in two days:

I would like some advice on how to handle myself (do's and don'ts)

 

My plan: We have agreed to go swimming together and then we would cook and eat at her place. My plan is to stay strong (no complaints) and show how I have improved myself. After this meeting, I am going back to see family, I will go on a week vacation, and I have no intentions of making contact afterwards. I have started thinking about my life in the upcomming months and she aint part of it.

 

EXTRA

How I feel: I am ready to move on to a new relationship, I have learned alot from this experience, I still think of her as a potential partner, I am eager to get this over with and relax.

 

Some details: I was her first boyfriend / She dumped me 2 months ago-

We had been together for 2.5 years and were on long-distance on/off every 4 months (school). I am 24 and she is 23.

 

The breakup

In the last 6 months I had a bad personnal period. I started smoking pot again ( on/off for 7years)- Wich led me to loose my ambitions and happiness. I stopped seeing friends and I stoppe taking my girl out when we were together. - I started doubting everything in my life - at one point I said to her that I was unsure about us'' that their were other ''matches'' possible. ( I had been proposed for sex by two different women in a short timeframe)

Well, she started having doubts of her own - She told me she didnt felt loved anymore. At one point she cried and told me she was unsure about us. I didnt understand what was happening and so I left. She stayed 2-3 more weeks together before she finally broke it off... // She is now dating a guy from her work - He told her he was interested in her etc.

Fortunatly - I quickly realised what had happened. My life was a mess// I instantly started working on myself. Since then I have made incredible progress towards being the men I want to be. (High discipline - no more drug, workout, etc)

 

How did I handle it? I was not as strong as I tought I was. I met her in person twice and got rejected twice (only the second time was it clear, the first was indirect). Then I tried acting normal, LOW CONTACT since the Breakup... We talked about once a week since - I had lows and highs. I never really begged, but I realise I was to much available to her and to forgiving at this stage.

 

Where it stands

1 months and a half after the breakup I was fed up with this game between us (happy talks with no substance) I still had alot on my chest. And so I called her and told her what was on my heart and mind. I asked her if things were serious with her new guy and she replied with doubts. - I asked what tore us apart and it was exactly the conclusions I made myself : She stopped loving me and I was not fun to be with ( remember all the bad habits I manifested? ) This happenend 2-3 weeks ago and it finally gave peace to my mind.

 

The current situation: I called her and leashed anger towards her (I hadn't before and realized this **** is over so why am I holding back from letting her know I feel?) ... Well guess what happened - The anger was expressed, then was controlled, then subsided and then it came back to a nice and peaceful conversation... We ended up proposing metting up with a common friend - Turns out the mutual friend cannot (she still has school) . I asked if she still wanted to meet and she agreed.

[aMguilts]

Have you `improoved` yourself??

From what you posted, nothing has changed with you.

 

You are still the same guy that she knew before.

 

Anyway, why are you meeting her? You hoping that she will see your `change` and welcome you back with open le...sorry arms?

 

 

aM

[Tmo2]

I don't know why exactly I am meeting her - Maybe for closure, I used to put her up on a pedestal, seeing her face to face might help me see more of her flaws and maybe it will help me confirm that things wont work out... I'm actually not sure why, but it is happening - I know that as of now, nothing I can do will make her change her mind. I believed we would have made a great couple in the long run, we were very intimate and respectful - but now I don't know anymore... She did leave me after all.

 

I did change allot mentally. I got back in touch with my dreams and my goals. I now have a clearer idea of what I want in life and what I don't want and where I am going. In relationships also ( I used to avoid talking about the relationship and where it was heading). Before this, I wasn't thinking about the future nor wanting to push the relationship a step further, I was immature and unwilling to move on in my life. I stopped smoking pot immediately after the break-up (a few weeks later I swore never to take that junk again), I started working out again (I am in great shape now), but mainly I focused on figuring out who I am and where I am going. I have regained allot of confidence and self-esteem. I upped the contact with my friends. I met new people, I force myself to be more sociable with strangers (I don't hold back as much). I cut contact with bad influences (The pot guys). I eat and sleep at regular hours. Lastly I stopped playing and uninstalled all the video games I had on my computer (Gaming started after I allowed pot back in my life)

 

I don't want her to come back if she does not truly love me for who I am. I guess I am seeing her to leave on a good note.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Tmo2

[NavyAirTraffic]

If you MUST meet her then be yourself. No relationship talk whatsoever! Careful though, she might be trying to put you in the "friend zone" while she's still banging dude from work. Don't play games, don't "act as if". If, and that's a big IF she ever comes back, you want someone to love you for YOU.

 

I would cancel if I were you, use that time to go and have fun with the guys. Maybe you'll meet someone worth your time.

[Sav]

Two advices:

 

1) Don't meet up. Even if u get back together, the period in between is too short for any real changes, both of you will still be the same person. The breakup will keep replaying in your head and quarrels will happen because of the insecurities which will.....tadah lead to another breakup.

 

2) If you think the above advice sucked and you wanna meet. Go ahead, but don't get your hopes up. Be prepared for anything. I know even though we say we don't expect anything, the truth is we do, so just be prepared and don't go king-kong angry when things don't work out, blaming her for playing with you because she can't play you until you let her

 

Goodluck bro

[TaraMaiden]

Read my signature.

Forget getting closure from her - it's not going to happen.

All that WILL happen is that you will get Mind-phukked and it will ruin your Christmas.

 

You are soooo not over her, and from the sound of your post, you are still a "work-in-progress" at the embryonic stage....

 

Meeting up?

 

Worst idea you've had this year.

Still, there's not much of it left.... but don't start 2013 on the wrong foot.

 

And trust me, if you do this, you're going to trip up at the first hurdle...

 

Go swimming?

See her again, with very little body covering?

 

You're kidding - right??

 

Way to go, hormones!!

[first love]

Read my signature.

Forget getting closure from her - it's not going to happen.

All that WILL happen is that you will get Mind-phukked and it will ruin your Christmas.

 

You are soooo not over her, and from the sound of your post, you are still a "work-in-progress" at the embryonic stage....

 

Meeting up?

 

Worst idea you've had this year.

Still, there's not much of it left.... but don't start 2013 on the wrong foot.

 

And trust me, if you do this, you're going to trip up at the first hurdle...

 

Go swimming?

See her again, with very little body covering?

 

You're kidding - right??

 

Way to go, hormones!!

 

+1 Going through the same sort of situation. This seems the way to go my friend. Stay strong

[jags2bowl27]

I want to shed some insight on this meeting. I just met with the ex after 5 months of breaking up. I was told i was dumb for seeing her, and honestly, i thought i was dumb for seeing her but you know what, you never know what is going to happen until you try.

 

In my case, she still is with the same guy she left me for but I know I had some faults on why she felt the way she did. I took her for granted and work started to come first and I knew that w/o her even telling me. The problem was, she wasnt mature enough to sit down with me and make me realize how she felt.

 

I wanted to meet just to catch up and put everything out on the table. We both talked about where it went wrong and agreed everything was fixable. We were mature about it, and agreed it wasnt the right time to try and work on things obviously. She said the new guy said I LOVE YOU the other day and she couldnt say it back. She still was confused about the whole thing..... and thats not my problem.

 

Fact is, put everything out there, express how you feel and if the cards fall into place then you can take it from there. THE GREAT THING THAT CAME FROM OUR MEETING, WE AGREED ON SOME BOUNDARIES SO NOW, NEITHER OF US CAN GET MAD AT NO CONTACT OR IGNORING. I feel this was the best thing that came from it because when communication was a problem in a relationship, going NC and ignoring texts is not the way to handle things.

[Tmo2]

You guys made me doubt today about meeting her or not.

I cannot back out tough. I cant be flaky about this. We spoke today and the plans changed. Instead of going swimming we will go for a walk. I admit that I wanted to go swimming just to show off how in shape I got, which is not the right attitude.

[sadpanda87]

it does sound like you want her back... i hope you dont go through with it like i did.

 

i was in your shoes maybe 8 months back, ended up travelling with her and she stayed in my hotel room. we all know how that can turn out, that only costed me 2 more months of agony

 

once you decide its done, follow it through. there are, honestly, plenty of better girls out there and we just need to wait and find them

[TaraMaiden]

You guys made me doubt today about meeting her or not.

Good.

 

I cannot back out tough. I cant be flaky about this.

Actually, yes, you can. You just don't want to because your desire to endure self-inflicted pain by seeing her and spending time with her again, is currently greater than your desire for self-preservation and moving-on healing.

But go on....

 

We spoke today and the plans changed. Instead of going swimming we will go for a walk. I admit that I wanted to go swimming just to show off how in shape I got, which is not the right attitude.

 

Dude - meeting her at all, isn't the right attitude.

An ulterior motive to your meeting her, should be enough to scream that at you...

[Tmo2]

Thanks every one for the honest responses - If you still have tips I will read them before 11 am tomorrow - I have decided to stick with the plan and meet.

 

This may seem like a fatal mistake to some, but it is something I have to do for myself. Once the day will be over tomorrow I will have finally seen with my eyes and my senses the girl I used to date 2 months ago - I will have felt how she has changed and hopefully I will be convinced that it is time for me to move on. All I desire now is to feel good about who I am and where I am going. I do not want to long for her anymore - This reunion might be the last between the two of us. Why not try and leave on a good note? There is nothing more to lose.

[TaraMaiden]

...That's what you think, now..........

[HaveFaithxx]

I don't think it is worng that you want to meet her if you think it will help you move on. I have done the same thing. An ex broke up with me a few years ago and I couldn't stop hoping that we would get back together. Finally, I asked if he could drop off my things. Even though I knew I had almost no chance, I had to tell him how I felt and that I wanted to get back together. When he told me that it would never happen, it hurt like hell, but after about 2 days, I felt so much better because I had absolutely no hope left. I know people on this site think its a big mistake if you break NC and that them breaking up should be closure enough. I agree, but i really just need to try one more time to give up hope. Pathetic and stubborn, I know. But it does help me to move on.

[Tmo2]

The day went well, we took a long long walk in a park, for about 4hours. we did a little shopping on the way back. We then returned to her place to eat. I started feeling off at this point (while coking). I was asking to myself, why I am I here? We finally had a meaningfull long talk after eating.. We went in her room for privacy ( brother living with her). We talked alot about me, what was different etc. She opened up herself somewhat. We both felt good afterwards so we decided to go swimming, It did us both good mentally and physically. We got back at her place at around 10:15 pm - It was longer then I expected. We had tea and when we were done I spoke the truth - standing in the kitchen I said: you know how I feel - she looked at me with confusion - I had a great day as friends, but it is not what I desire. I am looking for a serious relationship. She then replied : so its all or nothing? And at the exact moment I said yes, tears started flowing down her face. I proceded by saying very nice things and what I desired relationship wise. It was all about commitment. And unfortunatly she replied saying she couldnt give me what I want. we talked a bit more, she never stopped crying- I told her that I wanted us to work and how and why she maid me a happy guy - She also smiled. We hugged 2-3 times, she held on so tight and for so long. I was feeling good and mature. aswell as heartbroken knowing it was not possible. She then said she was not ready for commitment. That is all. I asked to sleep on the couch, since it was midnight and I had 2hours drive to do. she agreed. Once installed she came by to close the lights in the living room and I asked her to sit. We new we would'nt see each other after this as I said earlier not to call me even to say she misses me. I said to call only if she wanted something serious, if not, do not call. After she sat down by my side she said she had a hard time expressing her feelings (She figured that out recently) She told me she has always been truthfull, that she trully loved me during, and she hoped that I will find what I am looking for. We said goodnight and she left to her room. I woke up early to leave, packed my things. went in her room, gave her a kiss on the forehead and left.

 

I feel a bit depressed - I fell deeply for a girl who was not at the same stage of life as me. She never experienced her freedom, she always has been protected by her parents and restricted in some way after she left them. It is only now that she can go out - and truly live freely. I have lived this phase already and I know that she would have regreted not living it if she had stayed with me. The only thing I can give to her from now on is space.

[HaveFaithxx]

Your last post was heartbreaking to read. You did well. You really need to stick with NC like you told her. Good luck!

[SharkTooth]

Wow Bro. I know that was hard on you and it's one of the hardest experiences in life we all have to endure. And we all do...this forum seems to be pretty good medicine. Stick around here. One break up I did that was a tough one was I went out and traded my car in for a new one. It helped the pain and also helped in me feeling good to take my new girl out in a nice ride. I know it's corny but it helped me...keep busy and stay strong!

[Tmo2]

You did well. You really need to stick with NC like you told her.

 

Yes, no contact from now on is a must. It is the only way she will see that I am serious. Backing my words with actions is very important. I'v come to understand with this breakup that I want a serious relationship, also that I needed to grow up for it to happen. But this is not all, I also started realizing after 2 months that it is only a fraction of what I want in life. And if ever I want a serious relationship to work with whomever, I need to fix stuff in my personnal life. I need to get things going for myself. Smoking pot has stopped me from growing in so many ways. I am happy to have taken this important step in my life. It is about time.

[Tmo2]

3.5 weeks of No contact! I have been seeing a girl lately, open relationship kinda deal. I'm not willing to take it further, she's not really my type. It makes me think about the ex more, she's still on my mind. I started having these thoughts about contacting her. I'm somewhat bothered that I told her not to call since I needed time to recover... I feel stronger already and wished she would contact eventually, I admit not being ready though. This message is mostly for venting purposes... I don't intend in contacting her soon, maybe down the road.

[TaraMaiden]

There's absolutely no probelm at all in contacting her 'down the road' - providing you've reached the "Benign Indifference" Truck-stop.....

[Lone]

There's absolutely no probelm at all in contacting her 'down the road' - providing you've reached the "Benign Indifference" Truck-stop.....

 

Tara, do you think if it was going to work out that him becoming indifferent is a crucial step? Ive spent a lot of time on here and just the internet realyl reading all sorts of stuff on getting them back and the most common theme to getting someone back is to actually MOVE ON. Why is this do you think? Do you think it is a crucial step? From the majority of posts ive seen from you you seem to have the view that once broken up you should always stay broken up and NEVER EVER go back here regardless?

[TaraMaiden]

The problem with going back, is twofold:

Both parties have to really want to go back,

 

and both parties have to work on remedying what went wrong previously.

Together.

Equally.

 

You can't just fall back into a relationship and expect it to just work the second time around, just because you want it to....

 

Adjustments might be required, and almost certainly one - or both - people will have to step up to the plate and admit that their commitment was not 100% when it came to taking responsibility for maintaining the partnership.

it takes constant work and flexibility.

it takes give and take.

I'm personally less keen on 'compromise', because it's rarely ever split 50/50, and over time, one person concedes more than the other.

Compromise can simply be a more circuitous road to ruin....

 

But if a relationship failed, while one person invariably shoulders more (or even all) of the blame, both people are equally responsible for contributing their input to the relation ship.

It takes two to tango, and one person can't fix or carry it for two.

One cannot love, for two.

And one cannot go back alone, for two.

 

it has to be a completely joint effort.

[Lone]

But let's say as in most cases- u don't know what the other party is thinking. Especially if you are in NC. So from that point of view what would be the best steps someone could take towards reconciliation?

[Tmo2]

So from that point of view what would be the best steps someone could take towards reconciliation?

 

The best step you can make remains working on your own personal growth.

Once this is taken care of, and still going at it (you should never stop - ever), Then it becomes like Tara said : ''Both parties have to really want to go back''. You can't just fall back into a relationship and expect it to just work the second time around...

[Lone]

The best step you can make remains working on your own personal growth.

Once this is taken care of, and still going at it (you should never stop - ever), Then it becomes like Tara said : ''Both parties have to really want to go back''. You can't just fall back into a relationship and expect it to just work the second time around...

 

So aside from personal development there is nothing else you can do. I know NC is also insisted upon.

 

Just trying to put myself in the best position for reconciliation if it is possible.

Any advice...?