Incoming closure - Meeting ex in two days:: Tips?

[TaraMaiden]

So aside from personal development there is nothing else you can do. I know NC is also insisted upon.

 

Just trying to put myself in the best position for reconciliation if it is possible.

Any advice...?

Follow the NC guide.

Stay No Contact, see whether they make the approach, proceed extremely cautiously (there is in fact, sadly, a cautionary tale within the new NC guide, with a link to the thread.... not good....) and make sure they DO the work.

Because if a Dumper tries to reconcile, there are issues on both sides that need addressing.

And they need not only to admit it, but also agree to work on it...

[aMguilts]

So aside from personal development there is nothing else you can do. I know NC is also insisted upon.

 

Just trying to put myself in the best position for reconciliation if it is possible.

Any advice...?

 

Hi Lone

 

Tara`s right.

 

The best chance of a reconciliation is to be the best person that you can be.

Letting go is the only way that you can even think about a reconciliation.

 

Admitting to yourself that its over will do wonders for yourself and any `chance` that you may still think you have.

It seems you are putting her on this pedestal??

 

Can`t live without her in your life?

Thats wrong.

Only when you start to realise that you CAN live without her in your life, will you ever get the chance to be with her again.

 

But do it for you, not her

 

Hope this makes sense

 

aM

[Lone]

Heya, do you think you could explain why it's absolutely necessary to let go and move on if any chance is to be had? I really like that post. It motivates me. But I just want to do it for the right reasons. Ie my improvement not just to get someone back.

 

I put people I love on pedestals

[TaraMaiden]

Heya, do you think you could explain why it's absolutely necessary to let go and move on if any chance is to be had?

 

Excuse me, but why are you being obtuse about this?

You let go, and move on, with the assumption that there are no further chances and opportunities.

 

You let all those thoughts, desires, wishes and hopes absolutely go.

Because by moving on, you drop the dependency you have, on that person, to make you happy.

You have to make you happy. You have to be a perfectly contented, well-balanced serene person, under your own steam, without the need for external validation, or without the expectation that you can't ever be truly happy, unless/until s/he is back....

 

Only when you feel you are, in yourself, a complete person without someone hanging on your arm - can you ever entertain the idea that if they make a come-back, you might, if you still feel so inclined, give them a second opportunity to have the privilege of being included in your life.....

 

I really like that post. It motivates me. But I just want to do it for the right reasons. Ie my improvement not just to get someone back.

Well then, put all and any and every thought of ever getting someone back, out of your head.

Just make sure that everything you focus on, is for your enjoyment and well-being, and is for completely 'selfish' motives.

 

I put people I love on pedestals

 

Quit doing that, because otherwise, all you'll see of them, is the soles of their feet while they're wiping their feet on you.

Edited January 15, 2013 by TaraMaiden
fixed a damn typo!

[Lone]

Excuse me, but why are you being obtuse about this?

You let go, and move on, with the assumption that there are no further chances and opportunities.

 

You let all those thoughts, desires, wishes and hopes absolutely go.

Because by moving on, you drop the dependency you have, on that person, to make you happy.

You have to make you happy. You have to be a perfectly contented, well-balanced serene person, under your own steam, without the need for external validation, or without the expectation that you can't ever be truly happy, unless/until s/he is back....

 

Only when you feel you are, in yourself, a complete person without someone hanging on your arm - can you ever entertain the idea that if they make a come-back, you might, if you still feel so inclined, give them a second opportunity to have the privilege of being included in your life.....

 

 

Well then, put all and any and every thought of ever getting someone back, out of your head.

Just make sure that everything you focus on, is for your enjoyment and well-being, and is for completely 'selfish' motives.

 

 

 

Quit doing that, because otherwise, all you'll see of them, is the soles of their feet while they're wiping their feet on you.

 

Im sorry im not intending to be obtuse. Im just looking for clarification. This isnt a easy process. And like I mentioned, i love her and want her back. I dont see why that is frowned upon so intently on these boards. I just wanted some constructive advice as to the best moves i can make. I do appreciate all your advice though so please dont think i dont.

 

So you dont think once someone is feeling more confident in themselves and is happy and moved on that they can contact the ex from a position of strength?

[Lone]

http://www.therealsavoy.com/.../how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html

 

read this if you get a chance. would be interested to hear what you think.

[Tmo2]

http://www.therealsavoy.com/.../how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html

 

read this if you get a chance. would be interested to hear what you think.

 

Link does not work

 

Is it this one?

http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html

Edited January 16, 2013 by Tmo2

[Lone]

That's it.

[Lone]

How to Get An ?Ex-Girlfriend? Back by David DeAngelo « read the signs

 

This is another one which exemplifies a lot of what is said on here

[Tmo2]

This is worth noting:

 

-) Minimize contact with her for a few months.

 

-) Change:

This also reinforces that you should stay away from her in the meantime. It’s hard to notice change when you’re too close. You’ll never see the grass grow by staring at it.

 

-) Get Better with Women in General

Learn the skills. Get experience using them.

 

When you’re ready – that is, when you are confidently and consistently attracting women who are as attractive as her or better – only then can you re-initiate contact

[Lone]

One thing that makes me anxious is that even if you do this and become the best person you could possibly ever be... or atleast continuing to strive for that and making noticeable changes in your life. There is nothing you can do to get them back. They have to come back by their own free will so like i said just wanted to ensure doing absolutely everything possible to increase the possibilities of this.

 

and if not...well at least then am better off for trying...

[Tmo2]

One thing that makes me anxious is that even if you do this and become the best person you could possibly ever be... or atleast continuing to strive for that and making noticeable changes in your life. There is nothing you can do to get them back. They have to come back by their own free will so like i said just wanted to ensure doing absolutely everything possible to increase the possibilities of this.

 

and if not...well at least then am better off for trying...

 

Exactly / This IS the best possible way to succeed. This is the ''best thing'' to do to get one back and to succeed in life in general - unfortunately there is no guarantee that it will work with love.

Avoid contact until your anxiety is gone, it will hurt your chances.

You will notice your mind change after a few weeks time.

Until then, try to contain your emotions with people.

 

-Get her off that pedestal

-Figure out your personal problems

-Find solutions by asking the right questions at yourself

-Take action asap

-Meet new people, especially men - Then many women.

 

*Regain your masculinity and exercise talking to women - I myself was pretty rusty after being almost 3 years with the same girl. It felt like I had a lego block in my throat + I didn't know what to talk about. ''' Find the comfort zone you used to have earlier in your life, like when you met your lady, or when you are with best friends having fun. There is a mind set where we don't give a **** about what other people think because we are comfortable and true to ourselves (it is not a cocky-arrogant mindset). Attain this comfort zone my friend and stay humble. Only then will you be able to regain your ex.

 

Love is precious (especially when it is unconditional), if by then she does not want the REAL you, start thinking that what you have to offer should be kept for someone who will reciprocate. Love is so much sweeter when it is equally shared.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Tmo2

[Lone]

Exactly / This IS the best possible way to succeed. This is the ''best thing'' to do to get one back and to succeed in life in general - unfortunately there is no guarantee that it will work with love.

Avoid contact until your anxiety is gone, it will hurt your chances.

You will notice your mind change after a few weeks time.

Until then, try to contain your emotions with people.

 

-Get her off that pedestal

-Figure out your personal problems

-Find solutions by asking the right questions at yourself

-Take action asap

-Meet new people, especially men - Then many women.

 

*Regain your masculinity and exercise talking to women - I myself was pretty rusty after being almost 3 years with the same girl. It felt like I had a lego block in my throat + I didn't know what to talk about. ''' Find the comfort zone you used to have earlier in your life, like when you met your lady, or when you are with best friends having fun. There is a mind set where we don't give a **** about what other people think because we are comfortable and true to ourselves (it is not a cocky-arrogant mindset). Attain this comfort zone my friend and stay humble. Only then will you be able to regain your ex.

 

Love is precious (especially when it is unconditional), if by then she does not want the REAL you, start thinking that what you have to offer should be kept for someone who will reciprocate. Love is so much sweeter when it is equally shared.

 

Tmo - Thanks for this post. Very uplifting and motivating to take action and make things happen for myself. Im struggling with the notion of doing it for me however. I would love to say its all for me but I know within myself that there is a part of me doing it with the hope that it will make a difference and possibly attract her back.

 

Another thing which makes me anxious - if im in heavy NC how would she even know/get the chance to see me and notice? It says to minimize contact for a few months - this has me worried she will move on completely and forget all about me. Whatever little crack is left open in the door will be slammed shut?

 

In my case. We have been broken up about a month a 3 weeks. We didnt see each other from november 28 until the 6 Jan and havent seen her since. Is it too late to utilise NC in an effort to make her miss me? If you look at previous threads of min she did say she missed us and felt alone etc but how long will that feeling last. Wont she just get over it and then it will be a done deal?

[TaraMaiden]

Tmo - Thanks for this post. Very uplifting and motivating to take action and make things happen for myself. Im struggling with the notion of doing it for me however. I would love to say its all for me but I know within myself that there is a part of me doing it with the hope that it will make a difference and possibly attract her back.

 

It's not such a small part, either, is it...? in fact, I would go so far as to say, that this is the major part, and it's taking prominent place in your mind....

 

Another thing which makes me anxious - if im in heavy NC how would she even know/get the chance to see me and notice?

 

That's up to her, not you.

If she wants to keep track of you and see how you're doing, she'll find a way.

It's not for you to bring it to her attention... the only way you could do that is to break NC - and of course, you aren't going to do that, at all, are you...?

 

 

It says to minimize contact for a few months - this has me worried she will move on completely and forget all about me. Whatever little crack is left open in the door will be slammed shut?

 

see? I told you that it was a major part of your motivation.

 

OK, let's see whether we can make this clearer -

 

WHO CARES - ?!??

 

The whole point of No Contact is to heal...!! You shouldn't care about anything else!

 

There is no crack!! The door is already slammed shut - bolted, padlocked, barred and she's ripped the handle out!!

 

She won't forget you - how could she? I still remember every guy I went out with - but you have to progress in such a way as to reach a level of indifference - because that's what's needed!!

 

 

In my case. We have been broken up about a month a 3 weeks. We didnt see each other from november 28 until the 6 Jan and havent seen her since. Is it too late to utilise NC in an effort to make her miss me? If you look at previous threads of min she did say she missed us and felt alone etc but how long will that feeling last. Wont she just get over it and then it will be a done deal?

 

Stop overthinking this!!

Again - you really don't need to care or give a damn about anything!

 

Jeesh, really - enough now!!

 

Go NC - stay NC - and forget the reason, rationale, consequence, desired effect, or anything else - Time to move on!!

[Tmo2]

Im struggling with the notion of doing it for me however. I would love to say its all for me but I know within myself that there is a part of me doing it with the hope that it will make a difference and possibly attract her back.

It will make a difference if you go all the way trough with it and never stop. You will feel much better about yourself and will be proud, it is an accomplishment in itself. Understand also why it is good for you to do it - Whatever your motives are, keep doing it. Be strong and one day you will do it 100% for you because you will enjoy it. You will feel good, and if then she or another girls comes into your life, you will still continue to do it for yourself because you will know and understand that it is beneficial for your well being.

 

Another thing which makes me anxious - if im in heavy NC how would she even know/get the chance to see me and notice? It says to minimize contact for a few months - this has me worried she will move on completely and forget all about me. Whatever little crack is left open in the door will be slammed shut?

She wont know until she cares and comes back to see for herself. Moving on makes it even better when you reunite, the changes will have more impact. She will move on, but she will never forget. Edited January 17, 2013 by Tmo2

[Lone]

Tara -

1. You're correct. It isnt a small part unfortunately. Im sure you can understand my position however. It's not something i can consciously switch off. If there was a switch i could flick it would be well and truly flicked. I like to think however that as time goes on and i do begin to heal that this outlook will change and become more introspectively focused. That being said, the notion that the things i do now may play a part in the possibility of her return is motivating. Im sure you can appreciate this?

 

2. I am not going to break NC. At least certainly not initiate contact. That I can promise you.

 

3. Who cares? Me. I do. Very much so.

indifference is whats needed to be completely healed which then in turn will put me in best position for reconciliation. is this correct?

 

4. I can sense your frustration. Im doing my best. I do hope that EVENTUALLY i will hear something from her however.

 

Tmo -

1. thank you for this. This is my goal at the moment. To keep focused and proactively get things done which will enable me to achieve my goals of self improvement/fulfillment.

 

2. You really believe moving on makes it better when you reunite? I just hope if thats so that she wont forget so that if there is an opportunity to get back together we have both done our work and will continue to.

 

---

Im just struggling with obsessive thoughts. Trying to analyze the situation to make it work for me and have the desired outcome.

 

LONG STORY SHORT: Moving on is going to be key if im ever going to get over this/get her back.

 

*sigh

[Tmo2]

You really believe moving on makes it better when you reunite

Yes I do, although if nothing has changed it will break again. There are no guarantee as both parties has to be willing to make it work and both should have matured internally - That's why it takes allot of time apart. Become a better person, you will be glad you did. I myself am living a similar struggle. I even went against the plan and broke nc... It was a mistake I admit. It did not help my case. Fortunately I don't care much at this point because I am starting to admit to myself (and feel) that it is over. The amount of love that I have for this girl won't make her come back and won't make her feelings change for me. I am becoming a better person because this is what I want for myself in life. I am growing up. My heart will love again.

[TaraMaiden]

You have to put any and every thought of reconciliation OUT - OF - YOUR - HEAD.

 

Don't even let your thoughts stray that way.

 

What you fail to grasp is that reconciliation cannot be either instigated or orchestrated BY YOU.

 

It has to come from her.

 

Of course it does.

It's the one and only logical premise.

 

Why?

 

Because she was the one to break it off in the first place.

 

She has to want to come back, and she has to want to come back, under her own steam, for her own good, because SHE decides it's what SHE wants.

 

You could develop all the positive skills of Rudolph Valentino and Spiderman rolled into one - if she doesn't decide that it's what she wants, you're onto a dead-end route.

 

Forget "When you reunite".

 

It's "If the very unlikely thought of ever reuniting goes through her head...."

 

And she won't have done any work - because she already believed it was finished. So why should she ever make an effort to put work in, if she doesn't think she was wrong to split up?

 

The work - IF it ever happens - will have to be done WHEN you get back together. And you'd both have to agree where the problems lay, and both work, together, to the same intensity, with the same goal.

 

Realistically - honestly - how likely do you really think that is?

[aMguilts]

hey lone.

 

Listen to tara!!!

 

Don`t go NC or `move on` in yourself to get HER back! Cos you will have an epic fail if thats your only motive for going NC.

 

Let go and see that you will never be with her again ever. It`s over. move on

 

aM

[Lone]

Tara you are one pessimistic person. You must be very damaged. Im sorry.

I seem to be getting different opinions each time someone posts.

 

I know letting go and moving on is crucial - both for myself and if there was ever to be a chance of reconciliation.

 

Guilts, you say NEVER AGAIN EVER. How can you be so certain? Do you have a crystal ball? No one can know the future so for you to say something with such certainty seems silly. Or are you saying that I need to get in that frame of mind for my own healing and moving on. And it isnt my only motive for going NC. I want to heal and move on and work on myself not just to increase the chances of her realizing what she has lost but for me. that way regardless i will be better off.

 

Long story short - the advice given in this thread suggests:

1. If there is ever a chance I need to let go, move on and do some self improvement.

 

Tara, I realize it has to come from her. Obviously. THE POINT im trying to confirm is that in order to increase my chances of that happening that I need to do some personal development for myself. If we broke up and i go get fat and turn into a self loathing hermit then the chances are probably greatly reduced. If i get active, get myself looking better than ever, work on myself then the chances are probably greater than if i wasnt to put in this effort. But yes i realize it has to come from her. What im trying to do is put myself in the best position possible for that to happen.

 

All these situations aren't as cut and dry as you all seem to be convinced they are. There isnt a universal rule that applies to every situation.

 

Im looking for positive, constructive advice. I really get the impression that some people prefer to go down the negative, destructive route...

Edited January 17, 2013 by Lone

[fungusamungus]

I put people I love on pedestals

I don't think that there is anything inherently WRONG with this... but this means that you lack independence. You can either accept that about yourself and either

 

1) Find an equally needy partner (and probably be very happy with mutual codependence) or a completely self-absorbed, narcissistic partner (and be happy being a doormat). Either way, you partner is neither, and if you want to continue being the way you are... then even if he/she was right for YOU and made YOU happy, you were not right for HIM/HER.

 

or

 

2) Try to become happier with yourself, learn to make yourself happy so that your happiness does not revolve around her. Most people cannot handle being with someone whose happiness revolves around them. There is too much pressure, it becomes too smothering and they become claustrophobic.

 

Most people go with #2, because that's something that YOU can do. #1 is hard because you can't control who you will meet, or who will and won't like you for your personality, you really can't. But you CAN work on yourself, and that is completely in YOUR control.

Edited January 17, 2013 by fungusamungus

[TaraMaiden]

Pessimistic - ??

 

Damaged - ??!?

 

That's the damn thanks I get for posting advice in your thread.

 

I can assure you, I am not pessimistic - and as for damaged - You couldn't be more wrong.

What leads you to diagnose me as damaged?

If I were damaged, don't you think I would have posted more threads to that effect?

Do you think I would have made it this far?

Do you think I would have achieved over 4k 'likes'? (and you have no idea how grateful I am to those who have been kind enough to do that for me.)

 

Bear in mind that the 'like' button hasn't been going for as long as I've been here.....

 

I'm REAListic.

 

I've been knocking around the place for a long time, and trust me, you are not the first to hold this hope, and you sadly won't be the last. So I've seen the likes of you, come and go, for over 14k posts, and just about 4 years.

Realism is unfortunately what I prescribe to.

 

If you take at look at the 'second chances' forum, you will see just how many people have succeeded in reuniting permanently with an ex - and I'm talking both genders here....

 

Very few.

So few in fact, that I can't actually remember the last one....

 

The positive constructive advice you have gained from me, isn't going to change simply because you've taken umbrage.

 

Stick to focusing entirely on you.

Put her out of your mind, completely.

if through your self-improvement, she decides she wants a second bite of the cherry, then she can come back to you and tell you that.

By that time, you may have grown and developed so much within yourself that you've actually left her behind in the 'getting a good life' stakes.

If you still want to give it a go, then that will be your option, but you'll be better armed yourself to be able to make a more logical, balanced and objective decision.

if she never comes back to you - then you know that she was never going to be worth a second shot anyway, and you're a better man - for another lucky lady.

 

That summarises why No Contact works for you, and why second chances rarely work.

because the two people involved virtually never move on at the same rate.

[incandescent]

i've been 2 weeks of no contact... the first week was ****ing horrid. but now because i have EMBEDDED it into my head that she IS NOT coming back, i feel so much better. so really just get it into your head that she is gone, completely... im not saying that she will be gone completely, she may come back, no one knows! but for the time being just get it into your head that she is gone, and you will feel a lot better after a week or two. honestly. give it a go : )

 

then when she does finally contact you, you can have a true heart-skipping moment when you see the person you loved actually contact you... just don't contact her... if she dumped you, and she has second thoughts, she will contact you... so in the meantime get contacting those friends you haven't spoken to in a while, get to the gym, start a hobby, go on long walks with music on, just fulfil your day with stuff... you will feel so much better... worked for me, i'm only in 2 weeks NC and i feel great at the moment... : )