A Little Scared of Children...

[Almond_Joy]

Hi everyone,

 

Me and my bf have been together a bit over a year. His family has made arrangements for both of us to go back to his home town for the week of Christmas.

 

I've never taken much stock in meeting parents, but I think this relationship could progress to marriage and I want to make a good impression on his family and be comfortable around them.

 

Now, about the children....

 

 

I'm an only child. My mother was very over-protective of me, and I don't remember interacting with kids my age much outside of structured activities that my mom planned, like slumber parties. I've never babysat or watched other people's children either. So I really don't have any experience to draw on about how to interact with children, either as a child myself or as an adult.

 

So now when I'm around anyone under the age of say, 12, while they're with they're parents, I just freeze up. The most I can manage is a smile and a hello, and then I stay as far away as possible. It's not so much interacting with the child as it is what their parents are ok with. My mother was very particular about how I was held, talked to, fed - just because she's very controlling and things need to be done her way. She'd get angry and defensive if they weren't. And that's the only reaction I expect from parents because that's really the only first-hand experience I have. I don't want to invite the wrath of a fretting mother, so I'd rather just not interact with the child/children at all.

 

I know this is a magnified fear of conflict, but I don't know what to do about it. And now we're going back to meet his family - several young children involved - I think one's 2 and the others are somewhere between 3 - 7. I also don't want to freak out the kids by being all weird and antisocial, they may think I've got a problem with them personally.....

 

I've asked my bf about his siblings, (the parents of said children) - he doesn't really think much about this and has been little help in giving me an indication of how to interact with the children or what's ok with the parents. I was going to get a book on socializing with children but most of the stuff I found was kind of academic, talking of developmental stages and brain development and cognizance and things like that.

 

So....I'm posting to see if anyone's had a similar experience or knows someone like this that can share some observations/opinions. I really want this visit to go well, and I don't want to be weird with his nieces and nephews. The parents will maybe understand I'm just awkward but the kids may not and may think it's them. That's my larger fear is that I hurt the kids' feelings in some way.

 

So, any perspective would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[pteromom]

To the two year old... say "Awww, you are soooo cute. Is that your bunny?" (or whatever he/she is holding)

 

To the three-seven year olds... Smile. Talk about something they are holding. Show interest in what they are saying to you. Laugh if they are funny. Have them show you their game or Nerf gun or whatever they have. For the older ones, ask how school is going; do you like your teacher; etc.

 

If one of them wants to sit with you or engage with you, go for it. If not, just keep smiling and be open to talking to them.

 

Kids are easy to interact with. Much much easier than adults. LOL The only way you'd hurt their feelings is if you were actively rude or said something mean.

 

As far as the parents' boundaries, any parent is going to be ok with you interacting with their child around everyone else. Don't go into a bedroom with a child alone. Don't go into a bathroom with a child alone. Other than that, I can't think of anything that would make the parents uncomfortable.

[Almond_Joy]

To the two year old... say "Awww, you are soooo cute. Is that your bunny?" (or whatever he/she is holding)

 

To the three-seven year olds... Smile. Talk about something they are holding. Show interest in what they are saying to you. Laugh if they are funny. Have them show you their game or Nerf gun or whatever they have. For the older ones, ask how school is going; do you like your teacher; etc.

 

If one of them wants to sit with you or engage with you, go for it. If not, just keep smiling and be open to talking to them.

 

Kids are easy to interact with. Much much easier than adults. LOL The only way you'd hurt their feelings is if you were actively rude or said something mean.

 

As far as the parents' boundaries, any parent is going to be ok with you interacting with their child around everyone else. Don't go into a bedroom with a child alone. Don't go into a bathroom with a child alone. Other than that, I can't think of anything that would make the parents uncomfortable.

 

These are EXACTLY the kind of general tips I'm looking for. Thank you so much - it has already set me at ease quite a bit .

 

Any other tips are most welcome and appreciated.

[Queenie42]

I've found the best rules for avoiding parental wrath are:

--Don't offer the kids any chocolate or other delicious things they might not be allowed to have. I gave my cousin a biscuit once and was tutted at for the rest of the afternoon.

--Similarly, if they ask you to watch a movie with them, make sure it's one their folks will let them watch.

--Don't play any dangerous games. Running races are fine, but don't try swinging the little ones, and watch your strength when playing snap.

 

Kids can be pretty cool. Just chat to them like normal people. They'll tell you when they get bored and want to get a board game or something. And if you get bored you can hand them back to the parents. It doesn't sound like anyone's expecting you to babysit, so you can be that cool grown-up who plays games but won't make them clean their rooms. Also, I've found that Christmas is a lot more fun with kids around, they're very vocal about how exciting everything is and it rubs off on people.

[Almond_Joy]

I've found the best rules for avoiding parental wrath are:

--Don't offer the kids any chocolate or other delicious things they might not be allowed to have. I gave my cousin a biscuit once and was tutted at for the rest of the afternoon.

--Similarly, if they ask you to watch a movie with them, make sure it's one their folks will let them watch.

--Don't play any dangerous games. Running races are fine, but don't try swinging the little ones, and watch your strength when playing snap.

 

Kids can be pretty cool. Just chat to them like normal people. They'll tell you when they get bored and want to get a board game or something. And if you get bored you can hand them back to the parents. It doesn't sound like anyone's expecting you to babysit, so you can be that cool grown-up who plays games but won't make them clean their rooms. Also, I've found that Christmas is a lot more fun with kids around, they're very vocal about how exciting everything is and it rubs off on people.

 

Thank you.

 

I am looking forward to running around with the kids a bit. The family seems a little sedentary and the adults probably aren't up for playing outside in the snow. I, however, never see snow and would love to romp around outside lol.

[CptObvious]

I've found the best rules for avoiding parental wrath are:

--Just ignore their kids. It's not against the law to be a proud sociopath

 

fixed that for you

[Queenie42]

fixed that for you

 

That's certainly an option, and one I have employed myself on those occasions when the kids are more tedious than their parents. But it sounded to me like Almond really wants to interact with the kids.

 

Almond, on that note, don't feel obligated to spend all your time with the young'uns. You won't be breaking any hearts, they can entertain themselves. If you get bored, just go and try find an adult who's more interesting to talk to.

[Almond_Joy]

That's certainly an option, and one I have employed myself on those occasions when the kids are more tedious than their parents. But it sounded to me like Almond really wants to interact with the kids.

 

Almond, on that note, don't feel obligated to spend all your time with the young'uns. You won't be breaking any hearts, they can entertain themselves. If you get bored, just go and try find an adult who's more interesting to talk to.

 

 

I think we're staying over his brother's house for a few days. I know both of the parents work but I don't know if they've taken time off for the whole holiday week or have daycare or what.

 

So if a kid (3 - 7) comes and asks me to play or talk to me and I don't feel like it....like what's a nice way to brush them off? Say I'm tired and get busy with a book or movie?

[CptObvious]

I think we're staying over his brother's house for a few days. I know both of the parents work but I don't know if they've taken time off for the whole holiday week or have daycare or what.

 

So if a kid (3 - 7) comes and asks me to play or talk to me and I don't feel like it....like what's a nice way to brush them off? Say I'm tired and get busy with a book or movie?

 

Fake a seizure if you have to

[Queenie42]

Just be honest. Just tell them you're too tired/don't like that game/whatever and you want to do something else. It'll be OK.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Almond_Joy, kids aren't nearly has fragile as you may be thinking because of your own experiences. Lets say worst case scenario you accidently (and of course it would only be an accident which happens to everyone) do something that a parent doesn't like.... what is the worst that can happen? They just tell you that isn't the way they do it? So what right? Most parents aren't going to get angry and beligerent and if they do, that's really not that normal. Which I think you understand. And guess what? Even parents make mistakes with their kids..all the time! Parenting is a learning experience.

 

I have been around kids alot and am really good with kids but I have made my own mistakes. I remember this one time where I use to babysit for these three little boys that I felt where like my little brothers. The middle child did something really stupid that put him at risk to get hurt and I was so angry and upset that I dumbly flat out told him how "stupid" he was to do that. All he heard was "stupid" and I obviously hurt his feelings. So I asked him to come downstairs (because I had sent him upstairs) and we sat on the staircase and I flat out said to him, what he did wasn't right but what I said was wrong. He wasn't stupid at all and I apologized for saying something not true and how I reacted badly to the risk he put himself in. And he felt much better and so did I. Problem solved. Kids are usually much more forgiving then adults.

 

With kids younger then 7, usually if you ask them to show you their toys or their room, they are thrilled. They will start talking about what they like and you can go from there. You can do the same with children older then 7 but you can also talk to 7 year olds a little more maturely...just talk to them "normal". Don't condesend to them. Show a genunine interest in them.

 

You might make a mistake. That's life. Don't be afraid to make a mistake. Parents make them all the time.

[xxoo]

I think we're staying over his brother's house for a few days. I know both of the parents work but I don't know if they've taken time off for the whole holiday week or have daycare or what.

 

So if a kid (3 - 7) comes and asks me to play or talk to me and I don't feel like it....like what's a nice way to brush them off? Say I'm tired and get busy with a book or movie?

 

"No, thanks" with a smile is fine. Better, offer to do something with them in a little while, 'How about we play a board game after lunch?"

 

But if they want to talk to you, well, a child is going to talk sometimes You can just, "hmmm" "is that so?" "really!" for a long time with a 3 year old, while your mind is elsewhere.

 

One thing to be mindful about is tv, and conversation topics, if the kids are in the room. For example, the tragedy in Newtown may not be something that the parents want the child hearing about, or seeing on tv. And a lot of tv programs are just inappropriate for young kids.