Emotional Affair??

[eImAn]

I met this guy at my workplace 4 years ago and we became very close friends ever since even though we are not working in the same department. Everyone in the workplace thinks we are together and there are times when I feel like we are. We are very friendly towards one another, but he has never made a move on me. He was attached at that time and he admitted he likes me but he had to be fair to the 3 of us (ie. his fiancee, me and himself). I respect his choice and chose to be his close friend. I sort of became his confidante as he tells me things which he don't share with his wife. He got married last year.

 

In order to maintain our friendship even before he got married, he requested that I can only send emails to his office email and not to call him outside office hours and weekends as he wants to avoid confrontations with his wife. When he's alone, he would call or we would go out if time permits. When his wife calls, he would lie to her. She's in the dark that we are close. It just makes me sad we have to be sneaky. He said we are just close friends and admits that it's weird and unfair to me but our friendship has it's own uniqueness which makes it special to him. We would also behave differently when we are in front of our colleagues. If we are alone, we would sit close to each other, shoulder to shoulder.

 

Recently, he got promoted and have to be early for work and he started to message me during his journey and we would meet up for breakfast. Not long ago, he was out alone in the middle of the night during the weekend and messaged me whether I was still awake but I was asleep. I asked him the next day and he said he just wants to catch up with me.

 

I admit I still have feelings for him and I am so mad at myself. His wife just got pregnant and the strange part is I feel okay which is making me confused as I'm more excited than him while he's still adjusting to the news. My colleague said that we are having an emotional affair. Can you stop loving a person and just treat him/her just as a normal friend??

[The_Analyzer]

Yes you're right, this is an emotional affiar. I know you care for him and it may hurt, but being that he is married I think you should stay away. I understand if you want to just be friends, but rarely does that work when an emotional attatchment has already formed. Most of the time continuing to be just friends will eventually turn into something more.

 

Also he has not been upfront with his wife about your friendship, probably because of the feelings he has for you and that would not fly. He is lying to his wife. Thats not a good thing. No one can just turn their emotions off like a light switch, and chances are your feelings will still be there for awhile if you do decide to end it. I mean cut all ties. No phone calls, emails,lunches etc. End it now, before things get too deep. Have some respect for yourself and for the wife who is pregnant. Good luck.

[eImAn]

Thanks, Analyzer. I'm not sure if I can cut off all ties with him yet as this year I had entered into a 2 year instalment free plan for my laptop using his credit card and now I'm paying him monthly. It's just so ironical that when we first met, I was interested in his friend and he was trying to be the matchmaker but things didn't worked out with his friend. I warned myself to stay away from him as he was already attached but things just happened and I know that we are just not meant to be. Deep down inside, I know he is not going to leave his wife because of me.

 

Frankly speaking, this relationship has made me having second thoughts about marriage. I have slowly become commitment phobic as I fear that my future marriage will be like that too. With so many divorces nowadays, it has made me even more wary of committing to that 1 person as people change over the years and nobody can predict what will happen over the years. Of course not all marriages end up in divorces and I do envy my friends around who are having happy marriages.

 

I guess we are both 'making use' of each other in a way; I 'use' him to fill up my loneliness and my commitment phobic while he 'uses' me for some of his emotional needs which his wife can't provide. My heart is ruling over my head now which I know is wrong and I have to get over him asap. How I wish I can just 'switch' off my feelings for him and be platonic friends but there's also a thin line being platonic friends and a couple. I mentioned to him before that we are in between platonic friends and a couple. I guess in order to get over him, I have to start 'hating' him. No one wants to be the other man/woman.

[The_Analyzer]

Since you are making payments to him for the laptop. You can always drop the check in the mail and be done with it. That doesn't mean you have to have any kind of contact with him. Don't worry about wishing you can turn your feeling off like a light switch. Most people can't do that anyway. Just take it as it comes. No one said its gonna be easy. You will have feelings for him for awhile. I think thats to be expected. You developed a bond with him. Just take one day at a time. Cut all ties, it needs to be done. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Hey eImAn...Having a man in your life as a special friend is just that...Special. I see no problem with it as long as you don't cross the line...Us women wear our hearts on our sleeves anyways and get emotionally attached easily, well atleast I know I do. It may come and go periodically, feeling it more than other times, but personally having a guy as a close friend is WONDERFUL. Yes the emotional part, the sexual tension thing may be there, but so what? Isn't it human nature? Enjoy the feelings, but just don't 'react' to them or allow them to take over.

 

I know I'll probably get some nasty replies about this, but from my own experience with my male friends I have worked with over the years, I did develope crushes, feelings and real caring for each of them...It grew into a really nice friendship too! The male friends I have in my life are friends with my hubby as well. He does know me, I would never cheat. He does have afew close female friends, and I know he enjoys their company over lunch/coffee breaks etc. Doesn't bother me because I am confident to know he's not 'into them. Yes, he prob. may feel some attraction but he never acts upon it...One of girls is beautiful, large boobs and has an amazing body. He prob looks and thinks whatever, but those are his private thoughts, I don't own those!!

I am not justifying anything, but I do know from my own friendships, male and female I do end up emotionally attached either way.

 

My situation now is I do have an online friend, a guy, I am extremely close to. I guess I may have allowed feelings to get too much, but there is no intention of an 'us'. I love that I can say anything to him and we share our fears about life, exchange problems in our life as well about our spouses...We push that feeling away and put it into our own relationships. But to be quite honest, I have thought about him sexually as he has of me! We are open to talking about anything and everything. But I know in my heart he is just special friend to me now, I do have a soft spot for him and I always will no matter what!!

 

Good luck!

 

WWIU

[Kasey70]

eIMAn, I think its all up what you feel is best for you. If you feel what you're doing is wrong, then it probably is. This is a married man with a baby on the way. I do think its possible to be friends with the opposite sex, however, if there is already an attraction there, it could be a matter of time before it goes further. This is a man that you stated lies to his wife. Of course he does because he knows what he is doing is wrong. If he just wanted you as a friend and that was all. he should mention it to his wife instead of hiding it. Hes hiding it for a reason.

 

No matter what people may tell you though, you need to do whnat you feel is best. Like I said its fine to be friends but when theres an attraction there, you're just opening yourself up to other possibilties, such as a physical relationship. Put yourself in his wifes shoes. Think how she would feel if she found out. Hope all works out.

[eImAn]

It's really tough when you are close to a person of the opposite sex and he is the first closest male friend I ever had. Sometimes, I do ponder over some of his actions and words, thinking aloud to myself, "Are we crossing over the line of friendship?" or "If he is a female friend, is it normal?" etc. I tried to be friends with his wife before when he introduced her to me hoping that it would slowly 'wash away' my feelings but she is more of a quiet person in front of his friends. He was hoping that we would get along but we didn't. I told him I tried and he said she's like that, insecure, possessive etc. I do feel uneasy when he's lying to his wife on the phone straight in my face and deep down, I know it's wrong of him to do that.

 

I was with him in his office after working hours vetting his email and helping him to photocopy some paperwork when he jokingly said that maybe he should ask my boss to transfer me to become his PA. I just jokingly said that I was already his unofficial PA.

 

I do agree with WWIU that sometimes there are sexual tension and we have agreed beforehand not to cross over the line after we found out we are attracted to each other. Frankly speaking, I think both of us enjoy the feelings.

 

My friends frowned on our relationship and couldn't understand why he got married when it's so obvious that he likes me. They always say that we are having an affair and I would always say we are just close friends. I didn't know that there is really a term called an emotional affair. Guess we are too emotionally attached to each other.

 

I have no intention of breaking up his marriage. I just want him to be happy, when he needs a listening ear, he can count on me. He will always have a special place in my heart.

 

I'm controlling myself from icqing him whenever I see him online nowadays, avoiding going back together etc. But it's hard when he's taking the initative these days and sometimes out of the blue, like last night, he called on his way to a gathering and we chatted for a while. It's a painful process for me but I have to get over him one way or the other.

 

Found this poem on the net which is quite spot-on in my situation.

Getting Over Him