Ex Boyfriend doesn't want relationship while in Recovery for addiction, but I do...

[2456249]

My ex boyfriend just started recovery a month ago and is a total different person than he was 6 months ago when we broke up. He is my fantasy image of him now, but he doesn't want a relationship until he has completed all his step work. He says he loves me a lot and knows we will be together again one day, but wants to focus on his recovery and hobbies.

 

For some reason this makes me want him MORE! I want what I can't have, but especially since he is so awesome now. Last night I tried to go no contact and it was just WAY too painfully hard. I caved in this morning and contacted him by telling him how I feel. He basically told me the same thing, no relationship, but said he wants to see me tonight. He wants me to get into recovery for Codependency so we can have a great relationship in the future.

 

SO I am going to a meeting tonight, but I feel like if we don't have a relationship now it probably will never happen. I feel like he will meet someone else and start something with them and I will get burned hard. He tells me he doesn't want anyone else, just me, but not right now. They tell u in NA recovery not to have a relationship for a year and I get that, but I don't want that! It's selfish, but I think it's because I have been so lonely and then he comes around and i feel those feelings of comfort and love.

 

He thinks we wont work out if we got back together right now, he wants me to get better emotionally and himself. I really, really don't want no contact. I want to talk to him and see him, and he also wants that, but only wants it if I am comfortable with no relationship. I just feel like if he really loved me, why would he risk losing me?? I could meet someone else also and then the chance he had with me will never happen. But he is so sure we are meant to be together in the end. I just don't know. We were together for 6 years and then he relapsed and things went south. HELP!

[baRx]

When you enter recovery, they say you should not start a relationship until after a year. it allows the person to truly recover and find out who exactly they are. Recovering from drugs / alcohol is a huge thing and it takes an awful long time to be successful at.

[Mme. Chaucer]

He's putting his recovery first, which is a very good sign that he is where he would need to be in order to truly become clean and sober. If you truly love him, you will support him in this and not be selfish at this time.

 

Even the fact that you think he's your "fantasy version" of himself is a huge red flag that it would be detrimental for him, and probably for you, if he ignored the good advice to stay out of a relationship during his first year of sobriety. He is NOT anything like a "fantasy version," even though it's been your dream that he'd stop using and then everything would be perfect. He is the exact same guy who had to use, and who did all that he did around his using, and he needs to deal with the reality of all that.

 

A relationship is emotionally challenging, even if it's good. A person trying to get a start on their recovery is not in the right place to deal with that.

 

This is your time to work on yourself, too. I hope you follow his advice and get really active in Al-anon or Narc-anon.

 

You cannot control the future. You may be right - maybe you won't have a relationship in the future. If you truly love him like you say you do, you will do what you need to do (Al-anon, and follow the steps and advice) to be the best YOU can be. Then you will be ready for a relationship that is HEALTHY when you have that opportunity, whether it's with him or not.

 

I'm speaking as a person who's been in recovery from a serious addiction for almost 25 years, and who married my former using partner, who ended up going back to drugs after over a decade of clean and sober family life. Also, I worked as a counsellor in a rehab. I have a lot of experience!

[dreamingoftigers]

As a partner (wife) of a recovering addict, seriously, let him work out his own demons. And honestly, it sounds like you have a lot of emotional/relational immaturity and neediness going on there yourself.

 

I get that you want him. But wanting him and him being in a good place to be in a relationship with you shouldn't be at odds.

 

Trying to push him into a relationship right now is bound to backfire profoundly and hurt you both deeply.

 

Give him some space. Often codependents aren't able to give their partners any space to work out their own stuff. It sounds like he isn't looking for anyone else now either.

 

The real reason you want to push for this is because YOU'LL meet someone else. Because you aren't patient enough to remain single or to find something functional with someone else.

[2456249]

He's putting his recovery first, which is a very good sign that he is where he would need to be in order to truly become clean and sober. If you truly love him, you will support him in this and not be selfish at this time.

 

Even the fact that you think he's your "fantasy version" of himself is a huge red flag that it would be detrimental for him, and probably for you, if he ignored the good advice to stay out of a relationship during his first year of sobriety. He is NOT anything like a "fantasy version," even though it's been your dream that he'd stop using and then everything would be perfect. He is the exact same guy who had to use, and who did all that he did around his using, and he needs to deal with the reality of all that.

 

A relationship is emotionally challenging, even if it's good. A person trying to get a start on their recovery is not in the right place to deal with that.

 

This is your time to work on yourself, too. I hope you follow his advice and get really active in Al-anon or Narc-anon.

 

You cannot control the future. You may be right - maybe you won't have a relationship in the future. If you truly love him like you say you do, you will do what you need to do (Al-anon, and follow the steps and advice) to be the best YOU can be. Then you will be ready for a relationship that is HEALTHY when you have that opportunity, whether it's with him or not.

 

I'm speaking as a person who's been in recovery from a serious addiction for almost 25 years, and who married my former using partner, who ended up going back to drugs after over a decade of clean and sober family life. Also, I worked as a counsellor in a rehab. I have a lot of experience!

 

 

 

Thank you so much for this response! I went to Alanon meeting last night and it really changed my whole perspective. I still wish we could be together, but I think I just wan't what I can't have. I know deep down it wouldn't work right now. I talked to him last night and I saw a shift in this fantasy image, back to his more moody self. It's true, he's basically the same person, but just getting help to change his character defects. I think it will take a long time for him to really get better. I think I will always feel like there is a huge risk of him relapsing. I have seen drug counselors with years and years of clean time relapse. I think I just know if we don't have something now it won't happen because I won't want someone like that. Do you think I should cut off all communication with him. I told him I think that's what I need last night and he told me he won't contact me again, but sort of in a angry way. But then he ended up texting me at 2:00 in the morning saying I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I don't get it. If he doesn't want a relationship why is telling me nice things like that. He also says he loves me and I am the most important person in his life. Is this just sweet talking to get me to be hooked?

 

Thanks!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just keep going to your own meetings, work your own program, and don't try to understand what he says or does right now. He's in a very confusing place. I'm sure he loves the fact that you love him and he doesn't want to loose that idea, but he has a LOT of things to work on right now and it's a very delicate time when plenty of people give up and quit.

 

So just give him space and stop thinking about the future as much as you can. Don't analyze what he says to you or how he acts towards you. He's an addict and HE wants what he wants at any given moment. That's how we all are. Let him grow up and work on doing the same too.

[2456249]

Just keep going to your own meetings, work your own program, and don't try to understand what he says or does right now. He's in a very confusing place. I'm sure he loves the fact that you love him and he doesn't want to loose that idea, but he has a LOT of things to work on right now and it's a very delicate time when plenty of people give up and quit.

 

So just give him space and stop thinking about the future as much as you can. Don't analyze what he says to you or how he acts towards you. He's an addict and HE wants what he wants at any given moment. That's how we all are. Let him grow up and work on doing the same too.

 

Thank you, this really helped me see things non-selfishly. I'm gonna keep working my program and already have a sponsor set up for me.

 

Thanks!

[MyEvilTwin]

AA type programs do this "no relationship for one year" thing, but what they mean is not to start a new relationship. Since you are calling him exbf, you technically fall into the "new" category if you were to start again.

However, the two of you are not a new relationship. This is where in your particular case things get a little muddy, or gray area.

The truth is that you already have a relationship. I suppose the way to look at it is that you two will be keeping it mellow. That's probably not a bad idea for either of you.

95% of people relapse. Yep, it really is that high of a statistic. The goal of the program is to keep him sober, relationships be dammed...sorry to sound so blunt but that's the truth. The program has one goal in mind, not two. Sobriety comes before EVERYTHING else. This, I suppose, as their best chance of success.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you feel a little thrown under the bus, and for good reason. You're not number 1, you're not even number 2 right now.

The truth is, for addicts to change, they have to go through rather severe personality changes. He may come out somebody different on the other side, sober. It's a risky transition period at best for relationships that are already in trouble.

You will be told in alanon to focus on improving yourself in the same ways he is to stop the dysfunction.

It's a selfish period for him, to find himself sober. You might as well make it a selfish period for yourself. If he's successful, he might get very immersed in the meetings.

Do you want to wait and see? You have a long road ahead. Is he worth the wait? If yes, then I'd play it day to day, because nothing is for sure right now, not your possibility of a future relationship with him, and not even his sobriety. Sorry to sound glum, just being honest.