we're back together but should i tell her about the other girl?

[darkmoon]

be diplomtic and say nothing - you are already not sure or you wouldn't be asking, unless you want to risk hurt anger or even a relaliatory infidelity to see who fancies her too, you are cutting her right where it hurts, her female pride and maybe her romantic side will be affected too = a minefield

[Mina]

I agree with this. But I have to say I disagree with Mina's other posts.

 

She has a 'right' to feel whatever she wants about the information. But she doesn't have a 'right' to know. They weren't together.

 

Whether or not he tells her is up to him. I don't think she needs to be told. He wasn't cheating.

 

But if she asks directly, lying isn't a good idea. So that's tricky. Basically the right thing to do would be to just say you don't want to discuss it. That's tough, of course.

 

But people have a right to feel whatever they feel. If she wants to end things with him, that's her right. If she wanted to end things with him because he wore red socks, that's also her right.

 

But you don't need to tell her, OP -- you were broken up. You weren't cheating, which would be an entirely different scenario.

When I said let it lie, I meant leave the whole thing alone. I didn't mean for him to lie to her. Simply saying its not something to be discussed should be fine.

[darkmoon]

When I said let it lie, I meant leave the whole thing alone. I didn't mean for him to lie to her. Simply saying its not something to be discussed should be fine.

 

but you should be ready with maximum assurances that she is your favourite, i don't agree with seeing insecurity as an annoyance, it's not terribly empathetic tbh, some kind words then, instead of a gripe, about a girl getting butterflies is all it takes

Edited December 19, 2012 by darkmoon

[Mina]

but you should be ready with maximum assurances that she is your favourite, i don't agree with seeing insecurity as an annoyance, it's not terribly empathetic tbh, some kind words then, instead of a gripe, about a girl getting butterflies is all it takes

well yeah no arguments there.

[KraftDinner]

When I said let it lie, I meant leave the whole thing alone. I didn't mean for him to lie to her. Simply saying its not something to be discussed should be fine.

 

I realize now that I was implying it, but I actually didn't mean for it to sound like you were telling him to lie.

 

It was a seperate thought.

 

 

Just so's ya know!

[Arabella]

I'm sorry... I just think it's immature and doesn't serve either party anything.

Did you read my post?

Are you saying that if you were in my situation, that you wouldn't want the relationship because during that 2 years apart and 13,000kms of distance between you, it will "feel" different because he was with other people?

 

How old are you? Are you religious?

 

I didn't mean to insult you, really. I just feel that the only person you hurt is yourself by holding on to this insecurity.

 

I am 29, I am an atheist, and I have had my fair share of relationships, and even a failed marriage. I'm not new to this rodeo. Oh, and incidentally? I was in a long-distance relationship for two years, which culminated with ME moving across the world to be with him. I'm more familiar with your situation than you think.

 

You're making an awful lot of assumptions about me and failing pretty hard. I'm not insecure. I simply have a different view of it that I feel no need to justify to you. You're putting down my perspective because you do not share it. How's that for immature?

 

Focus on trying to help the OP deal with his gf's feelings instead of putting them down.

 

-A

[Million.to.1]

I am 29, I am an atheist, and I have had my fair share of relationships, and even a failed marriage. I'm not new to this rodeo. Oh, and incidentally? I was in a long-distance relationship for two years, which culminated with ME moving across the world to be with him. I'm more familiar with your situation than you think.

 

You're making an awful lot of assumptions about me and failing pretty hard. I'm not insecure. I simply have a different view of it that I feel no need to justify to you. You're putting down my perspective because you do not share it. How's that for immature?

 

Focus on trying to help the OP deal with his gf's feelings instead of putting them down.

 

-A

 

look, I'm sorry... I'm only just trying to understand where you are coming from. They weren't assumptions, just questions.

I can sometimes be jealous and insecure too, we all can be, but it's never led to anything positive for me so I try not to let fear based emotions dictate my decisions anymore.

 

I am trying to help the OP. The fact that she is only 20, only slept with the OP and has, in my opinion, an unrealistic view on love and fidelity (due to her lack of life experience) is totally relative to the situation. As this thread has progressed, so has the information that's been provided and so has my advice.

 

There is no need to be so defensive. I'm not attacking you. VERY few people over the age of 25 would have issues with someone they WERE with, being with someone new. There are billions of people on the planet worthy of love, and love is not exclusive. You are the exception to the rule, and I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that a mind-set like that will really serve you to build a loving trusting relationship based on honesty and acceptance.

[CptSaveAho]

As a man....

 

Keep your mouth shut and dont ask her about her 6 months apart and what she did

 

Don't listen to the women in this thread and over rationalize

 

What's in the past is in the past... if you can't keep the past there then dont get back together

[NordicStripes]

Just my two cents:

 

After a three year relationship my boyfriend broke up with me and starting sleeping with one of his colleagues after a week. It lasted two weeks, and he says he never had any feelings for her, actually found her quite disgusting (yeah right...), and she was jus a rebound... After those two weeks with her, he wanted me back. He's been fighting for me ever since, and it's been 1,5 years. I took him back, but I have to say, there is no sex-life. Seeing him naked makes me think about the fact that he was banging some random girl immediately after he was still sleeping with me. The mind movies are so terrible, I'm most of the time disgusted by the idea of having sex with him.

 

I know how she might feel if you tell her. But do you want your new relationship to be based on half truths? She deserves to know what she's getting into, and also what kind of a person you are.

 

btw, I'm 26, he's 24

[Arabella]

^^ And that's exactly what I was getting at...

 

Rational thoughts are one thing... we can talk ourselves into being okay with it, but visceral reactions are much harder to control.

 

-A

[poisson]

bottom line, don't offer her the information for as long as you can. In the meantime build the relationship up to give yourself a more solid foundation. She WILL find out because you will be honest with her when she asks, and it will be messy... but she will get over it depending on how strong the "foundation" is.

 

that would be my strategy.

[HaveFaithxx]

If you were broken up, then you can sleep with anyone you want. I really don't understand why that is a big deal to some people. The relationship is about you and your partner. Look forward. Why dwell on something that happened in the past that has nothing to do with you?

[Tmo2]

Do you want to be with your ex? To you still have strong feelings towards her?? If so, act as so. You say the other girl was just a fling and it means nothing to you - Then forget about her and focus on the girl your dating. There is no need to drag in the past. However if your girl asks, just tell her the truth. Dont hide it. I just dont see whats the point of telling her all this out of the blue if it had no meaning in your eyes and she dosen't ask. Just forget about it and move on.

[lemonlime]

If she finds out she will literally never forgive you. And she absolutely will think of it as lying because u admitted to one, but not to the other one it shows that you cant be trusted and you avoided telling her for your own selfish reasons. And if she found out, she would think there was still something there, because why else hide it. Women can tell these things... Every time my bf tried to hide something from me, I knew. You could ruin any chance you ever have of working things out together.

 

You cant start a relationship based on lies and secrets. When I start a relationship I want to know the other persons sexual history. I have that right to know that if I'm going to sleep with them. I absolutely think shes asked you about what you did when you were apart too. Especially after she found out about your one night stand. Your lying to her.

[mgce]

If she finds out she will literally never forgive you.

 

That seems possible, given the personality dynamic between them. But I feel I must insist the OP did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel he must ask for forgiveness, whether he chooses to proactively share this information or not.

 

And she absolutely will think of it as lying because u admitted to one, but not to the other one it shows that you cant be trusted and you avoided telling her for your own selfish reasons.

 

I think it would more show his ex being unable to overcome her insecurities and jealousy issues. She very well may think of it as lying, but I don't believe that's a defensible position. If this is an issue for her, it frankly doesn't speak too well for her. She has the right to ask, and to react however she does. But I'd question the real long-term potential for a healthy relationship if she can't get past this. She's obligated to show respect for the fact that his own time was his if they want to cultivate a healthy relationship. She has to show that she understands he wasn't "her property" when they were separated.

 

 

You cant start a relationship based on lies and secrets. When I start a relationship I want to know the other persons sexual history. I have that right to know that if I'm going to sleep with them.

 

I agree with your first sentence. I understand your second sentence, but would feel wary of someone who demanded that and basically don't personally share that perspective. For your third sentence, I have no "right" to any of your personal history from when we weren't dating beyond any information you are willing to share voluntarily. I can choose to end a relationship because you're not comfortable sharing information I must know to continue. But I never have any "right" to that information and have absolutely no right to hold it against you for witholding it if you choose to. There should be clear bounds about how much of a person's life you "own" in that way.

[mgce]

This is a truly fascinating conversation.

 

There are clearly two "opposing" camps on this subject, but I think we're all really much more in agreement than we realize. Specifically, I think we're all on the same page that:

 

1) You have every right to see whoever you want when you're separated with your ex. It is not cheating and you never owe your ex an apology for what you do in this time.

 

2) It can be very hard and painful to imagine your ex with other people even when you were separated. This changes nothing about 1), but hey, we're human.

 

The disagreements come from how we reconcile 2) with 1). One camp believes 2) is not an excuse for ignoring the reality of 1). So don't feed into those insecurities. Fight them, as they're unhealthy, and ultimately at odds with reality

 

The other camp believes the reality of 1) doesn't change how difficult it is to overcome 2). So rather than fight those insecurities, acknowledge them, accept that they're there and won't go away, and accommodate them.

 

I outed myself as part of the first camp in my last message, but I have great empathy for the second. My ex and I are toast; we're not even on speaking terms, much less thinking of reconciling. But I've often thought in the back of my mind, if/when she and I ever speak again, could I *really* ever look at her the same? Could I ever *really* trust her as purely as I once did, never really knowing what her life was like or who she was with when we were separated? I'm really not sure. I respect the weight of those emotions. I also see this as a great example of just how challenging reconciliation is, and how moving on and just building something new with someone else probably really makes the most sense 99.999999999999999999999% of the time.

[A fish in the sea]

She will find out someday and it will hurt her. Best to take the offensive.

 

Earlier this week, my ex and I went out for dinner and our chemistry was 200% there. We may have another date soon... Hopefully a step to getting back together.

 

He did see someone while we were broken up. I didn't know about her. (thankfully because I would have felt horrid.) but when he told me on Tuesday, I felt a little weird about it - but ok.

 

This is what he did. He made sure I knew he was interested in me. He told me it was over between them. And he told me that I caused problems between them. (Apparently she'd found some momento of when we were dating and it caused a fight between them because she could sense he wasn't over me.)

 

He told me this and I felt weird about it, but he showed me so much affection that I didn't feel she was a threat. Afterwards I stalked her a bit on his fb - and she was putting pics of herself on his profile not long before they broke up. I thought "wow, she obviously felt insecure...." and then i felt fine because I knew I had won. He was still interested in me, and the new woman didn't compare.

 

Make sure your girl knows that she "won". Tell her about any problems you had because of her, or when you realized the new girl couldn't compare.

 

It will be awkward, but better to tell her now and emphasize that you chose her and the new girl was just a rebound to try to feel better when you couldn't be with her.

[sunbeam]

OP did you ever tell her? How did things go? I've been in this situation and it's best to be honest, technically you did nothing wrong, but she still has the right to be upset at the thought of you with other girls..but if you both truly want to be with each other I believe this is something that can be worked at and over come, it's not a deal breaker. Once she sees the situation for what it is and lets go of the jealousy, you'll be back on track.