How to motivate unambitious husband

[bellatrix23]

So I love my husband. We get a long great and have a good marriage except one thing. He is so unmotivated/unambitious when it comes to his work. I feel I'm the complete opposite, always a future minded person working towards goals etc. Now on its face I dont exactly mind him being less motivated than me, not like I'm expecting him to become a ceo or anything, I just want him to have a job he enjoys mainly and something with enough money we can support ourselves.

But right now Im in graduate school and make next to no money, we've been together for a long time so he knew this was the plan. He did go to college and got a degree for a career he said he wanted. But once he graduated he made very little effort to get a job. We moved so i could go to school but it was to a place big in his field. He wants to be a form of artist so all he really needed to do to get the job was make some art but he wont and hasn't. I actually got him an entry level job at a company where he could easily (and could have already) moved up into an art position, but again he doesn't.

I've tried to be very supportive, offering help, ideas, etc, if he said he was having a problem and that was impeding his progress I tried to help. But still hes just content in his entry level job.

 

So again I don't want to nag him (and if i try in the slightest he freaks out). but the thing is he could be making more money, and we're living paycheck to paycheck tons of debt (a lot of his from student loans). So i dont care even if he doesnt want to be an artist anymore or what but id like him to at least be motivated enough for us to live financially a bit more comfortably and perhaps be doing something that would have some security (ie if he got layed off or something hes no more qualified now for something that he was before kind of thing).

 

So im looking for tips, advice etc on how I can try and get him to take advantage of his potential, of his position, and just do something without it sounding naggy or like im calling him lazy (cause he is a hard worker at his job, just not at getting new ones)….any ideas??

[bellatrix23]

I knew there'd be someone who'd right off say that. And I don't think it's the same unless your wife's weight was actually causing say a health problem or something. Because like I said I don't care really if he stayed in the same job forever if he was happy as long as were able to pay our bills. That's what I mean Is I don't need him to be as ambitious as me just enough for us to live the life he claims to want, or at least take responsibility for making enough to pay his student loans. Is that so wrong? And clearly it's not that I chose to marry him thinking he was totally unmotivated as he chose to go to school and worked hard for those 4 years I had every reason to believe that when he finished he would try and get the job.

[Cutiepie1976]

You can't make someone ambitious! He is who he is, and he's perfectly content with it. If you don't like it, then you shouldn't have married him. Accept him for who he is or walk away. What you are doing is destructive to your relationship.

 

...and sorry, but it is just like marrying an obese person content with his fatty condition and then trying to get rid of his fatness by "helpfully" getting him a trainer (read: job he never sought) or constantly tucking pictures of skinny people and tips on avoiding the vending machine at work in his lunchbox (read: offering him ideas and support) because you want him to be healthy (read: achieve his potential and get promoted in a job he never sought:rolleyes:).

[M30USA]

You can't make someone ambitious! He is who he is, and he's perfectly content with it. If you don't like it, then you shouldn't have married him. Accept him for who he is or walk away. What you are doing is destructive to your relationship.

 

...and sorry, but it is just like marrying an obese person content with his fatty condition and then trying to get rid of his fatness by "helpfully" getting him a trainer (read: job he never sought) or constantly tucking pictures of skinny people and tips on avoiding the vending machine at work in his lunchbox (read: offering him ideas and support) because you want him to be healthy (read: achieve his potential and get promoted in a job he never sought:rolleyes:).

 

Exactly. Plus "ambitious" is a relative term. Some people are content with merely having a job and supporting their family. Others need to always be getting a better and better job.

[Eddie Edirol]

Not only can you not change him, but do you even know what he really wants to do? Do you know what he likes to do other than art? What would he have to be motivated for if he has everything he thinks he wants? He has the person that isnt going anywhere no matter what he does, and he has a job. He doesnt need any more. What you could do is find out what motivates him to get out of bed in the morning to go to this job.

 

He sounds like me 15 years ago. I had a job that went nowhere, but I had in my head another plan to make it in another business, but I really didnt know how to get into it, and was too intimidated by the business to start working my way in. So I wasted alot of years of my life to figure that out. You know what it took to wake me up? A woman left me. Then I changed everything.

 

If he wont admit to you why he isnt motivated to do better, and you dont know him well enough to know what he'd rather be doing when youve been married all this time, then youre relationship is in trouble.

 

Your best bet to motivate him? Dont mention it ever again. You do your thing and dont let him think that his level of ambition is okay with you. But its possible that he wont think to change until a crisis happens.

[bellatrix23]

Ok perhaps I phrased this badly, I feel as though Im not being clear here. Im not needing to make him ambitious. Im not thinking of leaving my husband over this and I don't appreciate being told I should have known better, I can't predict the future and this wasn't a problem then.

 

Now for the last time this isn't the same as marrying an obese person whose happy about it and then complaining and nagging them to lose weight! Because 1) as already stated he wasn't "obese" before. and 2) hes not content with it! He still says all the time how he wants this career, wants to be an artist, he asks for my help and my input. And he complains all the time about how broke we are, and how he wishes we could move into a nicer place, etc etc.

So if you insist on continuing this analogy: its more like marrying someone who has always been an average weight and then gets obese. They then complain about all the negative health side effects, they talk to you about how they want to exercise and diet and ask for your suggestions. But then they just never follow through.

 

And it sounds like everyone just thinks I should have known better and should just say and do nothing and let the other person be unhappy and their health suffer or leave them. How are those good options??

 

He likes his job ok now, mainly cause the people he works with and such and hes more or less content. But as I say he does talk about wanting to move up and more money and such. And to be honest I really think that he is just afraid to try a bit, like someone else said he's intimidated. Right now his job is safe and comfortable and hes afraid to switch it up. Which of course I do get. And I don't hardly ever bring this up, again like someone said, only when he does.

 

And I really would probably never say anything if he seemed happy enough, unless he asked me to, if I had the ability right now to go earn more money. Heck once I finish graduate school I will make more money and Im fine if I make more than my husband. But where Im studying, not our home country, I legally can't even work off campus. His happiness is important to me, and its not that Im a greedy person saying I need him to make all this money, but I just wish for just the next few years till Im done that he would make a bit more so we could pay our bills. I know if he is scared or unsure pushing someone in that way won't help so I was initially wondering what would.

Its not that I shouldn't be with him (so please everyone just stop saying "well you shouldn't have married him then" thats not helpful in anyway, I did marry him and Im not gonna bail over something like this ) I had just hoped for some advice on how to help, how to approach the subject, mainly because I dont think like him. I have never been one to get so intimidated like that or comfortable. I am someone who theres something I want, I figure out what I need to do to get it and do it and so in my mind its so simple. He says he wants x job and wishes he had more money, so in my mind i say heres the plan to make it happen go execute it. but it doesnt in his mind, so Im not sure how best to proceed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Im not thinking of leaving my husband over this and I don't appreciate being told I should have known better, I can't predict the future and this wasn't a problem then.

But that's exactly what courtship and engagement are for - to determine that your goals, plans and "ambitions" are on the same page for future happiness and compatibility. I have a hard time believing he was a ball of fire then and a slug now - didn't you two discuss this?

He says he wants x job and wishes he had more money, so in my mind i say heres the plan to make it happen go execute it. but it doesnt in his mind, so Im not sure how best to proceed.

Nobody is saying that you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Many people (myself included) have ambitious plans for their lives and are proactive about the steps required to get there. But, at least through his actions, you've married someone who doesn't feel that way. Square peg, meet round hole ! And I don't like your chances of changing him and having him enjoy the process. His plan isn't changing so time to reassess yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bellatrix23]

But that's exactly what courtship and engagement are for - to determine that your goals, plans and "ambitions" are on the same page for future happiness and compatibility. I have a hard time believing he was a ball of fire then and a slug now - didn't you two discuss this?

 

 

Yes of course we did thats what I keep saying. We've been together since basically the end of highschool. He decided what career he wanted, he chose to go to college for it, he worked hard for 4 years, accrued a massive student loan debt to do it, he even wanted me to apply to my particular graduate school because the city is one of the largest in his field and so he had the best chance of pursing his career. We were married in his 3rd year of college, moved for my graduate school after he graduated but once we got here the fire kind of died down. Like I say I think he got scared to fail so he got scared to try. So UGH YES we determined our plans goals and ambitions together for years before this point, so I had every reason to believe that he had the intentions of pursing the goal.

 

And I don't know why i have to keep saying that Im not trying to change him, just encourage him. If his goals have changed thats fine with me, if he wanted to be a house husband the rest of his life thatd be fine with me if it made him happy, as long as or as soon as we could financially manage that (ie once my salary increased). All I've done is try to help him get what he said he wanted.

 

Im kind of sad no one on here can offer one real suggestion. Are you people married? Are you telling me that if the person you loved was giving up on their goals out of fear you wouldn't do or say anything to try and help? Or hasn't anyone experienced that for themselves that could say what might help kickstart him. I don't think that me wanting him to be happy or get what he wants and both of us to be happy means were incompatible square pegs and such. I dont push him, I've left him a lone about it pretty much but its just in my head that I wonder if theres more I could do. If he doesn't get another job, and never goes for other things, fine I still love him and want to be with him and Ill keep working towards my goals, it just means we'll be more strapped for cash the next few years and i'd be sad for him. But marriage is working together through the tough times, accepting the other person, growing and changing is inevitable but you have to adapt and grow and change together, you don't just bail at the first sight that the person might have changed a bit or be going through a phase or something.

[Mr. Lucky]

Im kind of sad no one on here can offer one real suggestion. Are you people married? Are you telling me that if the person you loved was giving up on their goals out of fear you wouldn't do or say anything to try and help? Or hasn't anyone experienced that for themselves that could say what might help kickstart him. I don't think that me wanting him to be happy or get what he wants and both of us to be happy means were incompatible square pegs and such. I dont push him, I've left him a lone about it pretty much but its just in my head that I wonder if theres more I could do. If he doesn't get another job, and never goes for other things, fine I still love him and want to be with him and Ill keep working towards my goals, it just means we'll be more strapped for cash the next few years and i'd be sad for him. But marriage is working together through the tough times, accepting the other person, growing and changing is inevitable but you have to adapt and grow and change together, you don't just bail at the first sight that the person might have changed a bit or be going through a phase or something.

The suggestion I'd offer you is to do a 180 and leave it alone. I'm going to assume you've already (gently, I'm sure ) communicated your frustration to him and, based on your presence here, that hasn't worked. Might be time to let him work through the issues himself. If, as you say, he really wants to accomplish more then he'll do it when he's ready. And he just might surprise you along the way ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KraftDinner]

If this thread was posted about a guy whose wife got fat, he'd get tons of sympathy and support.

[Cutiepie1976]

Is it possible he might be depressed?

 

If not, I agree with Mr. Lucky. Your pushing obviously hasn't worked. Let him be...or walk away. Motivation and ambition are internally driven. You can't make him have either of these things and the more that you push, the more he'll shut down. Trust me, you don't want to go there.

 

Now, since you adore weight analogies so much, have another:

 

You married a skinny person expecting him to be skinny for life. Well now he's become quite rotund, much to your surprise, and has developed a deep love affair with the couch and a daily vat of ice cream. You can sign him up for all the triathlons you want, stock the kitchen with nothing but healthy, calorie-poor foods, post all sorts of inspirational weight-loss tips on the refrigerator and pantry doors, and so on. Guess what? Until he genuinely wants to lose weight, and until he unilaterally decides to set himself some goals to make this happen, his ever-expanding girth shall continue ad infinitum, and the resentment you harbor for each other will only increase, impacting your relationship. His work situation is the weight in your life together.

 

Since you can't make him lose weight (read: look for and secure a decent job making a living wage in his chosen field), I wouldn't even try in your shoes. Let it be or walk away.

 

BTW, you're making unspoken, unilateral concessions and agreements in your head (house husband, etc.). Not a good idea! Very dangerous path to begin. If you stay (and my sense is that you are), the two of you need to sit down and share your interests and your dreams, then plan your goals and life together. How are you going to manage while you are in grad school? What happens when you graduate? How about when you have kids? Etc. What will finances look like at each stage. Let him go first so that you hear what he really wants, not what he thinks you want to hear based on your goals. Ask lots of questions to clarify. Once you have these, periodically revisit them during the year. Update at least annually and whenever you have a major life event/change or significant new information that would impact your plans. 2013 is almost here. Perfect time to set goals and plan!

 

More helpful? ...if not we can try to scrounge up another weight analogy for you.

 

I know this had been frustrating for you. Good luck!

[Eddie Edirol]

He still says all the time how he wants this career, wants to be an artist, he asks for my help and my input. And he complains all the time about how broke we are, and how he wishes we could move into a nicer place, etc etc.

 

But as I say he does talk about wanting to move up and more money and such. And to be honest I really think that he is just afraid to try a bit, like someone else said he's intimidated. Right now his job is safe and comfortable and hes afraid to switch it up. Which of course I do get. And I don't hardly ever bring this up, again like someone said, only when he does.

 

Does he not understand about paying his dues in a career? going above and beyond in his job so that he can move upward?

 

Ill give you an example about myself. I have a job right now, but I went on many good interviews before I got this job 5 months ago. I already know I'm not staying, because I realize I can do better. So now I have a great reference from this job, I'm not afraid to up and leave it, because I know I will be able to quickly get another job. I know what the process is and what to expect. im staying until another manager is on board, then I'm leaving skidmarks - Cant leave my GM hanging,

 

It sounds to me like your hubby is afraid and intimidated to try to do better because he has no idea what to do. Has he gone on different interviews to see if he can get a job doing more like what he wants? has he gone on interviews to gauge what he's worth in the marketplace? Is he normally a career wuss? Do YOU have any ideas of these questions? If he knows nothing of whats going on with his potential, of course he isnt going to want to take chances. But he can go on interviews until he finds a position he likes more and start that job without losing income.

 

What kind of things did you try to help him with? What has he tried to do? if he hasnt even lifted a finger, then you definitely wont be able to encourage him to do so.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ill give you an example about myself. I have a job right now, but I went on many good interviews before I got this job 5 months ago. I already know I'm not staying, because I realize I can do better. So now I have a great reference from this job, I'm not afraid to up and leave it, because I know I will be able to quickly get another job.

You have a great reference after 5 months ??? As someone who does a lot of hiring, wouldn't carry much weight with me and job-hopping would be a negative...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eddie Edirol]

You have a great reference after 5 months ??? As someone who does a lot of hiring, wouldn't carry much weight with me and job-hopping would be a negative...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well yeah, but my reference who worked along side of me quit. So he will add some months to my reference. He could assist me in explaining to the hiring manager why I would be quitting. But Ive been doing alot of hiring also, so I know what you mean about the job hopping. But believe it or not, I was able to sell myself into 2nd and 3rd interviews with 3 years of unemployment, and finally this job, so I know I can hop into a new one as long as I'm actually working.

[bellatrix23]

first off to cutiepie i didnt start the whole weight analogy someone else did, and others were using so so did I.

 

 

Does he not understand about paying his dues in a career? going above and beyond in his job so that he can move upward?

 

Ill give you an example about myself. I have a job right now, but I went on many good interviews before I got this job 5 months ago. I already know I'm not staying, because I realize I can do better. So now I have a great reference from this job, I'm not afraid to up and leave it, because I know I will be able to quickly get another job. I know what the process is and what to expect. im staying until another manager is on board, then I'm leaving skidmarks - Cant leave my GM hanging,

 

It sounds to me like your hubby is afraid and intimidated to try to do better because he has no idea what to do. Has he gone on different interviews to see if he can get a job doing more like what he wants? has he gone on interviews to gauge what he's worth in the marketplace? Is he normally a career wuss? Do YOU have any ideas of these questions? If he knows nothing of whats going on with his potential, of course he isnt going to want to take chances. But he can go on interviews until he finds a position he likes more and start that job without losing income.

 

What kind of things did you try to help him with? What has he tried to do? if he hasnt even lifted a finger, then you definitely wont be able to encourage him to do so.

 

well he has paid his dues and I think. Hes been in his current position for a bout a year and a half now. So when I say art i mean 3d art and visual effects. He works at a visual effects place, its an entry level non art position but is meant for people to move up from it, it said so even in the job ad. And he told them his intentions at the beginning. They had said they wanted about a year in the position so I get his not moving up for awhile. But by now he's put in his time and has learned a lot in the position. His boss knows he said he wanted to be an artist so does the head of the art department so he could move up. And they really like him there because he is a good/hard worker. From the beginning hes basically just needed to sit down outside of work and put together a good demo reel of work to show them he can do it and thats where he gets stuck. So over time, with his asking, I've tried to help by helping him brainstorm things to make, or trying to find images for reference/inspiration, finding websites with good tutorials or information, things like that. Thats why Im dumbfounded, he has the training to make the art, he has the credentials from school and now some work experience enough to get the interviews/get the job but he just doesn't.

 

I haven't pushed in a long time, I never even bring it up unless he does, but I do think about it. I just posted on here cause like I said there seems to be something thats stopping him and I dont know if its cause hes a guy or we just think differently but Im not sure what it is and what, if anything, Im supposed to do. I think, from the few times hes mentioned it, that hes afraid of things…like he won't be good at it, won't get the job, or won't like it if he does or something. I know some people who are held in place by fear and being comfortable…maybe they just need time to do things in their own time, but I have heard other people say that they did need a push and appreciated when someone gave them that. Im not sure which, if either, it is. But if a bunch of other people who maybe experienced something similar say "no dont do anything I just eventually worked it out on my own" then ok least I know but if a bunch of people say "no someone helped me/pushed me to do it/gave me some kind of dose of reality and I was grateful" then maybe I'd try that. For example, someone posted on here earlier that they were similarly stuck and didnt get going until their girlfriend left them, but I would ask them if in hindsight was there something that could have been done, short of her leaving, that would have helped him. I mean him not doing the art and then talking to me about wanting an art position I feel like the answer is so blatant and obvious that him even talking to me like the answer isnt starring him in the face i feel like he's expecting me to say or do something but I just can't figure out what.

 

And to those who keep mentioning walking away. I dont consider that an option right now. I mean its not like its been happening for years and Im at the end of my rope or anything, and I don't feel like you just walk away that easily. This isn't an issue that marriage ending, particularly since we are still young and starting our lives/careers. Its just something I think about because as I say Im a very future minded person in these matters. And I worry because my mother hated her job the whole time I was growing up, she was so unhappy, and made it very known. So the idea of having a career you're happy with has always been of importance to me because I've seen someone who thought it was too late and was filled with regret and unhappiness about it.

[Eddie Edirol]

From the beginning hes basically just needed to sit down outside of work and put together a good demo reel of work to show them he can do it and thats where he gets stuck. So over time, with his asking, I've tried to help by helping him brainstorm things to make, or trying to find images for reference/inspiration, finding websites with good tutorials or information, things like that.

 

Ah, now it makes more sense. I think there are a few digital graphic artists on this site, you might want to make a thread about the kinds of things they did to get ideas when they were making a reel. But for him, he has to just practice and make a few reels. He cant try to make the perfect one right off the bat, he just has to keep making them until he gets his confidence. That way he knows what kinds of things he prefers deal with. Also, why wont he practice this at home? Does he not have the gear? is there not time?

 

It makes sense that with creative fields like that he might not want to do it at home after he was doing it all day. Creative things that are done as a job sometimes arent fun anymore and drain the creativity. So the only way for him to want to do it at home in that case is to force himself, or wait till he has a vacation and the urge to do it at home. BUT if he works for a firm and he's that good, chances are he knows how to make anything look polished, so he doesnt have to go crazy perfecting a reel, the people watching would just want to make sure its as polished as its supposed to be. Maybe he should do one reel and get opinions from his people at work first.

 

For example, someone posted on here earlier that they were similarly stuck and didnt get going until their girlfriend left them, but I would ask them if in hindsight was there something that could have been done, short of her leaving, that would have helped him.

 

That was me, and unfortunately the situation is a lil different. The whole reason I changed everything when she left me is because I realized at the time I wasnt ambitious enough to get the whole degree, house, good job type thing. I realized I needed to get this way to avoid getting left for the same reason. I was satisfied the way I was at the time and wasnt worried about doing better, so in hindsight, nothing else would have changed my mind. It was sort of a wake up call, because at the age I was at the time, I really needed to do better, and the woman that left me was trying to encourage me at the time, I kept scoffing her. She left me for a guy that had all that already.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I worry because my mother hated her job the whole time I was growing up, she was so unhappy, and made it very known. So the idea of having a career you're happy with has always been of importance to me because I've seen someone who thought it was too late and was filled with regret and unhappiness about it.

Are you saying this would be the case with your husband? Because, based on what you've posted, were he truly unhappy and unfulfilled it would certainly be easy for him to make changes.

 

Why can't you accept the short term possibility that what he's doing now seems to work for him? I understand that it doesn't fit in your grand design but remain puzzled by your insistence that he feel the same way. I'm sure he's aware of all of the challenges and opportunities your young lives present - what you're getting (through his actions, not his replies to your urgings) is his response. You may simply have to accept it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bellatrix23]

Are you saying this would be the case with your husband? Because, based on what you've posted, were he truly unhappy and unfulfilled it would certainly be easy for him to make changes.

 

Why can't you accept the short term possibility that what he's doing now seems to work for him? I understand that it doesn't fit in your grand design but remain puzzled by your insistence that he feel the same way. I'm sure he's aware of all of the challenges and opportunities your young lives present - what you're getting (through his actions, not his replies to your urgings) is his response. You may simply have to accept it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well Im not saying it is no, but its why I encourage him to do something he enjoys rather than just being like "I dont care get a job that makes the most money". Im not saying he is or even that I think he is truly unhappy and unfulfilled. I know he does like his current job, likes the people he works with, its easy and safe. And I have no real objection if he really wanted to stay doing it long term, but I know that he can't. Im going to graduate in a few years and we will have to move again, he knows this. If he stays in his current role until then I just worry about him finding a new job because this current one is not a career, it doesn't really qualify him for anything beyond it and at new place they would probably hire an entry level person over him because its meant to be an entry level role.

 

But you say why can't I accept it? I sort of have..like I said Im not urging him to do anything, Im not pushing him, I haven't even brought it up in a long time, unless he does. And I dont know what you mean by it doesn't fit in my grand design…it was not my idea or my design. There is no insistence by me that he feel something…. my frustration and puzzlement over the whole thing comes from him saying he wants to do other things and make more money and not doing it. If he came up to me and said I really enjoy this current gig and type of work and want to stay in something like that, fine but thats not what he says. So thats where I get confused.

[pink_sugar]

I am actually in a very similar situation. My husband has a lot of goals...his trouble has been reaching them. And much like your husband, they have that stigma of not being ambitious, because of where they are now in life, regardless of what they want. I think motivation and lack of being assertive might be more of an issue. I share your feelings, because when I think about it...it bothers me my husband is 6 years older and working a minimum wage job and I feel he should be more financially settled with a better job. I know he's getting his degree soon, but the unstable job history is also a problem along with lack of experience to get into the field he wants to go. I receive criticism from my family saying that I should accept that he wants to stick with a lowly job and that isn't the issue at all. He WANTS better. The problem is getting there. I think because of my family's misconception is what is making me upset with my husband and wondering if things really won't change. I don't want to wait forever. Is your husband doing everything he can to make his dreams come true?

 

A possible theory is ADD or ADHD depending on the signs your husband may show. But people with this disorder may have hopes and goals but difficulties achieving them. My husband shows the signs and is currently being evaluated for possible ADD.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no insistence by me that he feel something…. my frustration and puzzlement over the whole thing comes from him saying he wants to do other things and make more money and not doing it. If he came up to me and said I really enjoy this current gig and type of work and want to stay in something like that, fine but thats not what he says. So thats where I get confused.

I'd guess that at least some of what he says is in response to your discomfort with his situation and path. Easier to pay lip service to the idea than it is to argue or fight about it and many guys (me included, according to my W) are conflict avoiders in this way. His actions speak louder...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bellatrix23]

I'd guess that at least some of what he says is in response to your discomfort with his situation and path. Easier to pay lip service to the idea than it is to argue or fight about it and many guys (me included, according to my W) are conflict avoiders in this way. His actions speak louder...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I admit its definitely possible that in my wanting to help he perhaps felt/feels pressured into something hes not sure about. Which of course is not my intention. If im inadvertently making it worse or pushing or whatever I don't mean to, but thats who I am, and if he didn't like that well he chose me too. I mean almost every one of my friends, and some of his, over the years have come to me for help in researching career paths or different colleges or things like that cause they know I like researching that kind of stuff, Im good at it, Im organized, and (as they've told me) I make them feel encouraged. I try to be understanding knowing that not everyone is like me and doesn't think about things the same way. And with him especially with this stuff being artistic/creative stuff I try to be understanding because I am very not an artistic person, I'm science and logic. So with people like my friends who've asked for my help if they don't take it and do nothing, thats their business and I don't think twice about it. I guess I just find it harder with my husband because are lives are connected, his debt is my debt, what he wants for a job will affect where I can apply for my jobs in the future. So it is harder for me mentally when I see him approaching things so differently than I would, but I really do try and stay quiet about it and be respectful, but that doesn't mean that its quiet in my head.

 

A possible theory is ADD or ADHD depending on the signs your husband may show. But people with this disorder may have hopes and goals but difficulties achieving them. My husband shows the signs and is currently being evaluated for possible ADD.

 

The thought has crossed my mind. I mean I know when we first moved I think depression may have played a role. Moving from our friends and family and him not having a job right away (of any kind ) was very hard on him and I really felt bad. But again Im not a depressive person, never experienced that, so in my head the logical answer was "you're depressed about not having a job and friends answer=work hard on demo reel get job things get better" not that I ever said that to him, having known people with chronic serious depression I knew it was not so simple. But hes much happier now. the add type thing….maybe I mean he does say when he talks about his art stuff that he has so many ideas but not sure where to start or which to do etc. And says he has trouble focusing at home. That could be just excuses for all I know but if its not, which I give him the benefit of the doubt, my natural inclination is of course to want to help to solve those roadblocks.

 

 

Like many things with man and woman stuff I probably think about it much more than he does, we over analyze, its what we do. But i feel if I could just understand his thinking, understand more clearly what it is he wants, or why does or does not do things I would be more mentally at peace. In my head theres always such a clear and logical solution. A person isn't sure what they want to do --> you research different things, read articles, interview people even, try it yourself. Ok you decided what you want to be here are steps to achieve it --> do them. You're afraid that if you get the job you won't like it --> well then try it out and if you don't like it ok back to step one and reevaluate. But clearly others dont see it so clearly. I mean obviously I've had times in my work/studies where I didn't enjoy the actual act of studying or found it very hard to focus or was overwhelmed by the material and didn't know where to start or how best to do it. I could have just said eh its too much not sure what to do so I do nothing, but then clearly you fail the test or whatever. So I've had those feelings but my logical brain just said ok you don't know where to start or how best to do it but just jump in and start doing and it and take it from there. But theres a mental disconnect for me as to why thats not what he/others do in the same situation.

 

I want to understand how he sees or thinks/feels about this but get afraid to bring it up for fear he thinks im pushing or nagging when I truly even just out of curiosity if nothing else want to know.

[Kelemvor]

Why don't you just sit down and talk to him about how you feel instead of trying to figure out ways to manipulate him? If he doesn't want to be any more ambitious in life, then he won't and you'll have to learn to deal with that.

 

Also, be careful what you wish for. I changed careers many years ago to pursue a career in medicine and "ambitious" can easily twist into "consuming" or "workaholic" as my life has demonstrated. I'm also newly divorced and would be a fool not to admit that the demands of my career had at least some involvement.

 

Good luck.

[bellatrix23]

Why don't you just sit down and talk to him about how you feel instead of trying to figure out ways to manipulate him? If he doesn't want to be any more ambitious in life, then he won't and you'll have to learn to deal with that.

 

Good luck.

 

well you are right if he doesnt want to be any more ambitious in life, then it is what it is and i accept it or i eventually wont. BUt Im not trying to manipulate him. And I could just try sitting him down and asking some things outright but like I said, and as others recommended, I was leaving it alone. Some people keep saying don't mention to him dont talk to him about, and Im afraid if I do hell see it as pushing or nagging or something negative. Or perhaps it would be good to sit us both down and reopen the topic, but I dont know.

[Eddie Edirol]

Or perhaps it would be good to sit us both down and reopen the topic, but I dont know.

 

To prevent him from thinking youre nagging, you could preface the discussion with "This will be the last time I ask you about this, but I want you to be open and honest with me..." and then you can talk about it. I now think he knows why he doesnt want to try to do better, but just doesnt want to tell you for fear that you'll nag him about it more..