Comments on my situation and what I should do are welcome.

[swanconnery]

Long time looker, thought I might actually throw this out here for some honest input.

 

This summer I met a woman who was going through a divorce, her husband had recently moved out of their home and gotten his own place. Papers were filed. She said that she wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with her. I almost felt "called" to be with her, if you will. This was around early August of this year. She swore a future with me and things were incredible for the first two and a half months. About 6 weeks ago she starts acting weird, not replying to texts or phone calls, and hanging out with her (soon to be) ex-husband a lot. I asked her about it, she said they were just friends and she was doing it to be civil because she has a kid with him (a 3 year old). I, being the trusting person I am simply thought nothing of it. Well one morning I woke up and went to use her computer and she had left her messages open on Facebook with him. These messages were full of inappropriate stuff. Talk of kissing and cuddling and missing her family and wanting to work it out and seek counseling. I should also add that before I got with her I encouraged her to seek therapy with her husband and she said that it was past that and she knew she was done with him. Anyway, I had to tell her about it. So I went to work and when I got home I confronted her on it, packed up all my stuff, and was ready to leave. We sat down and had a big discussion and she told me that she needed time and was confused. I said fine. She said she would be honest with me from now on and would not be lying to me anymore (as they always say!) Even though cheating is cheating. Although I get he is still technically her husband, they are separated and she was very much my girlfriend at this time. Everyone knew. We slowly worked through it over the course of a month until I became comfortable enough to see her. She swore to me that she had figured out what she wanted, that she was done with him for good this time. We had an awesome couple of weeks! Then she started seeing her husband once more. Just occasionally. Once or twice a week. She text me one day and said her husband was coming over because he wanted to talk about something. I said okay. I'm not a controlling guy and don't tell her who she can and can't see. I came back over after they talked and she was in a funk because he told her that he was ready to proceed with the divorce. I couldn't understand why she would be in this funk. She LEFT him. We cuddled that night and made love and things were great. Anyway, for the next couple days things were strange and one night she went shopping and I stayed back at her place. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked on her Facebook. It was her begging him not to go through with the divorce. That all she was thinking about was him and that she couldn't believe he had changed his mind. I went for a drive and came back, and she was super upset with me. Then she told me that she "can't give me what I deserve" and that she is in love with both me and her husband. This was a Friday. I said that she was making a big mistake, packed my stuff up once again and left. She bombarded me with texts (I am talking dozens) all Friday and Saturday long begging for me to see her, to talk it out. To work it out. I ignored them because this is the SECOND time she was lying to me about what she was up to. Then on Saturday night she text me some things that made me want to visit her for her own safety. She was a mess. She had gone to a party on Saturday night that her (soon to be) ex-husband was at. He yelled at her for coming and said really mean things to her and made her leave. I was not loving, but I was there to make sure she was safe. I didn't reconcile and I stayed the night on the couch. Fast forward to last Monday. She is now telling me that she is glad that her husband said all that stuff to her because now she knows for sure she wants the divorce and only wants to be with me. That she finally has it all figured out. She is absolutely sure that it is me that she wants. That the lies were over and she would be up front and honest and had nothing to hide. That I could see her Facebook whenever I wanted. We have been off and on again since then. A couple nights ago (last Tuesday) I was over at her place with one of our friends and they went to the kitchen. Her iPad was next to me. Once more curiosity and my lack of trust won over my judgement. I looked at her messages, and on Saturday afternoon she was still begging for her husband to work things out, although she had been texting me all Friday and Saturday night saying she wanted me. I thought I would do a little experiment, see if she would at least be honest. I asked her if she had talked to her husband at all since that Friday that I busted her. She looked at her Facebook, looked right in my eyes and said "No, there's nothing in here since Friday." I knew she was lying cause I had checked! I said "Okay, then let me see." She flipped out calling me unbelievable and said that was ridiculous even though earlier that week she said I could see anything I wanted. So I left her again. I am now sitting in limbo with this girl but find myself thinking about going back for a fourth time. I have no idea if she has fooled around with her husband while we've been together. She says she hasn't.

 

My question is, what is going on with her? Why does she feel the need to lie? Should I try to work it out once more? I really love this girl a lot. Like extremely deep love. I love everything about her when we are together, except her constant lying. I have always told her that honesty is all I require. That if she felt she needed to work things out with her husband she should simply tell me. She continues to lie and now is making a pretty sincere attempt to get me back. But I am thinking it is only because her husband is done with her and dating a new girl. Thanks in advance for any insight.

Edited December 19, 2012 by swanconnery

[salparadise]

So I left her again. I am now sitting in limbo with this girl but find myself thinking about going back for a fourth time. I have no idea if she has fooled around with her husband while we've been together. She says she hasn't.

 

My question is, what is going on with her? Why does she feel the need to lie? Should I try to work it out once more? I really love this girl a lot. Like extremely deep love. I love everything about her when we are together, except her constant lying. I have always told her that honesty is all I require. That if she felt she needed to work things out with her husband she should simply tell me. She continues to lie and now is making a pretty sincere attempt to get me back. But I am thinking it is only because her husband is done with her and dating a new girl. Thanks in advance for any insight.

 

With all due respect, what exactly is it you don't understand about this situation? She's terrified of being alone and you're plan B.

 

How about a few fundamentals if you're interested in self preservation...

 

• Don't date married women
  
• Don't date women who aren't over their ex's
  
• Don't date liars
  
• Don't believe anything a confirmed liar tells you
  
• Don't expect she's all of a sudden going to change her stripes
  
• Don't waste you time or give up your self-respect when you're being treated like a doormat
  

 

I could go on but this is enough reading material to get you started.

 

Just get the hell away from this mess and don't look back.

[swanconnery]

With all due respect, what exactly is it you don't understand about this situation? She's terrified of being alone and you're plan B.

 

How about a few fundamentals if you're interested in self preservation...

 

• Don't date married women
  
• Don't date women who aren't over their ex's
  
• Don't date liars
  
• Don't believe anything a confirmed liar tells you
  
• Don't expect she's all of a sudden going to change her stripes
  
• Don't waste you time or give up your self-respect when you're being treated like a doormat
  

 

I could go on but this is enough reading material to get you started.

 

Just get the hell away from this mess and don't look back.

 

Actually all very sound advice. I appreciate that. I just have an incredibly hard time figuring out when she is being sincere and when she is lying. It's incredibly hard to tell the difference. She is seemingly incredibly sincere this time. Saying and doing all the right things, at the moment. If you didn't know the past you'd think she was being an incredible woman. However, the past makes me question it. You think this is simply because her husband kicked her to the curb?

[MichiganMan222]

Don't date women who aren't over their ex's

 

I think this one is the most important. Most women have dogs or cats to comfort them through a breakup. She had you. She doesn't love you. She loves him. You are her human pet to get her through the heartbreak.

 

Like previous poster said, run and don't look back. If you really want to be with this one, then check on her in a couple of years and she how things are going.

[Darren Steez]

She says one thing to your face then turns around and does the opposite.

 

So she tells you I love you, I want you, I need you then when you're gone, she's writing her husband begging him to come back? What about this don't you understand? Where is the sincerity?

 

Other poster is correct, you are a plan B and man that must suck for you because you want to be plan A, but Plan A is her husband, you're just the warm body that soothes her and while you're around her, makes her forget about the pain she's feeling...but soon as you leave that blanket isn't there and it's back to her husband a begging.

 

Dude even when you're together she's probably thinking about him, using you to get back at him, but it's nothing, for those few seconds she may actually believe she's feeling something for you, she will channel that intensity into you but it's for him.

 

You've been warned many times but still choose to walk across the rickety bridge, even though every few steps a piece of wood gives way and you almost fall. With time you will commit to her and finally the bridge will give way, it's a long way to fall after you've invested so much....

 

...So don't bloody do it!!

[Chi townD]

Really dude? Your question is "what's going on with her?" Hmmm.....this is going to take some thought......*jeopardy music inserted*........ Okay, got it.

 

 

SHE'S A MARRIED WOMAN!!!!! A woman that's trying to get her FAMILY back together! And you're there throwing a monkey wrench into everything!!! You are the OM! You are breaking up a family!

 

There are 7 BILLION people on this planet and you're hung up on one that's MARRIED!!!

 

You've caught her time and time again communicating with her HUSBAND and you're getting upset?!?! That should have clued you in! So, here's my advice. Be a man and step aside. Let her have her family back. Let her kid grow up with his or her parents in his/her life. Not just part time parents due to joint custody. Not once did you ever mention what this situation could be possibly doing to this kid.

 

So, be a man and step aside.

[swanconnery]

Really dude? Your question is "what's going on with her?" Hmmm.....this is going to take some thought......*jeopardy music inserted*........ Okay, got it.

 

 

SHE'S A MARRIED WOMAN!!!!! A woman that's trying to get her FAMILY back together! And you're there throwing a monkey wrench into everything!!! You are the OM! You are breaking up a family!

 

There are 7 BILLION people on this planet and you're hung up on one that's MARRIED!!!

 

You've caught her time and time again communicating with her HUSBAND and you're getting upset?!?! That should have clued you in! So, here's my advice. Be a man and step aside. Let her have her family back. Let her kid grow up with his or her parents in his/her life. Not just part time parents due to joint custody. Not once did you ever mention what this situation could be possibly doing to this kid.

 

So, be a man and step aside.

 

Maybe I didn't clarify. She left him. She had him move out and she filed for the divorce. He didn't want a divorce at first. She is the one who ended their relationship. It seems maybe I've confused people into thinking he left her. The responses here are really helping me stay strong with no contact. Keep 'me coming!

[seibert253]

How many times are you going to allow her to lie STRAIGHT TO YOUR FACE, before you get the hint?

 

She's a liar and not trustworthy.

Is this the type of woman you wish to spend your time with?

 

Three times you've called her out about the "issues" she has with her STBXH. She continues to lie.

 

Come on man, wake up.