My boyfriend is addicted to porn

[louismac44]

hi i have a real issue with adiction to porn masterbation and looking at women allt he time it feels like its out of my controll and my girlfriend is going insaine , and rightly so. please help me

[frustrated and sad]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I never realized how big of an issue the porn is, until just recently. We have fought about porn before, and he just tries to tell me that it is natural. But is it natural when we have sex maybe once every 3 weeks. He is 26 and i am 24. His sex drive should be huge!?!?!?! Nope, he never wants to have sex, generally the only time we have sex, is when i initiate it, or he starts things after i am asleep.

 

I first found out, by finding a towel by the computer one day. I let it go. I don't agree with the use of porn, but i can tolerate it a little bit. No big deal he's a guy, it's natural...isnt it? Well i am coming to learn that it is not.

 

we generally work opposite shifts at work. And when i check the internet history i can see what he has been looking at. I set traps to see what he has been doing. I try to ignor eit in hopes that it would go away, but it doesn't.

 

The bigger problem is i know that he masturbates to the porn during the day, then when i want to have sex, or be intimate with him at night, he says he's not in the mood.

 

I am so frustrated, and it makes me very upset i am thinking about leaving him, but i if he has this problem with porn, i think i shoudl at least try and help him, and save the relationship, before leaving. can anyone shed some light on this for me?

[Outcast]

Frustrated -

 

It is possible he's got a problem but it is also possible that he's unhappy with the relationship as a whole and displays that by not wanting sex with you. Not every man can have sex even when he's unhappy. Some are very affected by the state of the relationship just as women can be.

 

You need to sit down and have an extensive discussion about everything in your relationship and any dissatisfactions he may have. You know whether you two are happy or not - if not then you have to get at the bottom of what's going on.

 

If you are stuck with one of those sorts who won't discuss anything that's bothering him, then you may need to go to a counselor. Too many people blame all a relationship's problems on the porn when the porn is being used as an escape from a situation.

 

Really, it's better to start your own thread since a lot of people only read the first post and then answer so they won't see your story.

[eternal irritation]

I am married with children and it hasn't gotten any better in the past 9yrs. It's continued on and off. Now he is just more sneaky. Quite frankly it's exhausting and I am tired of it. He is in his late twenties and his excuse is that he hit his sexual peak when he was 18 or 19 - multiple times a day. Now it's a chore.

[Sweetsuny]

I must be honest, I was there, stayed there, and I live with it everyday. I will tell you this, move on! It's not going to change he is addicted. If he lies and hides it, he's addicted. Treating an addiction as and addiction is the only way to get better. No counseling no more relationship. After 7 years of marriage, 2 years dating before that...constant argument and promises of change later...it's still the same. Leaving for me is very hard with 3 babies, but it's something that pulls at my mind all the time. The hurt from this will make you a harder hearted person. Eventually, it won't hurt you anymore and it will incite an anger you can't explain. That's when you know it's been enough.

So, if you don't want to argue about this most weekly, or have these silly agreements that he won't follow through on....just save yourself the heartache and cut your losses. Harsh, but no harsher than you being treated less than you are worth.

Imagine something I think about alot.....if he spent as much time with you, talking to you, thinking about you as he does with his porn, how much better would your relationship be???? Well, that's the guy you want...go find him!

[snowgirlash]

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. we have a great relationship, most of the time. the reason i say most of the time is because he is addicted to porn and masturbation. now, i have no problem with either, in fact i enjoy them both. but the problem comes in the fact that it is a serious addiction for him. i didn't find out about his addiction until a few months into our relationship, when i caught him looking at porn on my computer while i was in the shower.

 

i was caught a little off guard, but wasn't really angry about it, because i know it's something that most guys do. we talked about it awhile after that incident and he admitted that he had had a problem for years, since he was very young. the extent of his addiction is the problem for me, and the way it affects our relationship and most importantly, our sex life. he looks at porn every chance he gets. when i'm asleep, when i'm in the shower, when i'm at work, every minute i step out of the house.

 

when i'm at work, it's the worst, he'll look at porn and masturbate for up to 8 hours a day. he lies about it, denies it, and then gets angry at me when i confront him and catch him in his lies. i'm quite computer saavy and despite his best efforts i know everything he does. at one point, it almost became an obsession for me to catch him in his lies. i have dealt with the fact that it's his problem and i should leave it alone, and have gotten over my need to track everything he does (for the most part), but it is still ruining our sex life.

 

he has an abnormally high sex drive (he will masturbate whenever he gets the chance, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day), and he gets angry at when i don't want to have sex with him. honestly most of the time i don't want to have sex with him because when i come home i know what he's been doing, and it really turns me off and hurts my feelings. he refuses to seek help for this because he claims it's his problem, not ours, and it shouldn't affect me because it has nothing to do with me.

 

he is past the point of healthy sexual interest and i know he has a serious sexual addiction. i guess i am lucky that it is only internet porn and not some hooker off the street....i genuinely love him with all my heart, he is a wonderful man besides this. i have had about enough of the lies and deception, and i don't know what else to do! does anyone have any advice on how to handle a situation like this? or are there any women who have dealt with a situation like this? please help, i really don't know what to do anymore.

[Ladywithafan]

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. we have a great relationship, most of the time. the reason i say most of the time is because he is addicted to porn and masturbation. now, i have no problem with either, in fact i enjoy them both. but the problem comes in the fact that it is a serious addiction for him. i didn't find out about his addiction until a few months into our relationship, when i caught him looking at porn on my computer while i was in the shower.

 

i was caught a little off guard, but wasn't really angry about it, because i know it's something that most guys do. we talked about it awhile after that incident and he admitted that he had had a problem for years, since he was very young. the extent of his addiction is the problem for me, and the way it affects our relationship and most importantly, our sex life. he looks at porn every chance he gets. when i'm asleep, when i'm in the shower, when i'm at work, every minute i step out of the house.

 

when i'm at work, it's the worst, he'll look at porn and masturbate for up to 8 hours a day. he lies about it, denies it, and then gets angry at me when i confront him and catch him in his lies. i'm quite computer saavy and despite his best efforts i know everything he does. at one point, it almost became an obsession for me to catch him in his lies. i have dealt with the fact that it's his problem and i should leave it alone, and have gotten over my need to track everything he does (for the most part), but it is still ruining our sex life.

 

he has an abnormally high sex drive (he will masturbate whenever he gets the chance, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day), and he gets angry at when i don't want to have sex with him. honestly most of the time i don't want to have sex with him because when i come home i know what he's been doing, and it really turns me off and hurts my feelings. he refuses to seek help for this because he claims it's his problem, not ours, and it shouldn't affect me because it has nothing to do with me.

 

he is past the point of healthy sexual interest and i know he has a serious sexual addiction. i guess i am lucky that it is only internet porn and not some hooker off the street....i genuinely love him with all my heart, he is a wonderful man besides this. i have had about enough of the lies and deception, and i don't know what else to do! does anyone have any advice on how to handle a situation like this? or are there any women who have dealt with a situation like this? please help, i really don't know what to do anymore.

 

 

 

My boyfriend has finally admitted he needs help with his crack addiction. However, in combination with that, his m.o. is to get high & watch porn. Now, of course I have issues with the drug; he rarely has sex with me because he'd rather "watch" than have actual sex. Now, that goes with the crack territory but it's become so mixed up, I'm at the end of my rope. I don't have a real problem with the porn, but if we're going to enjoy it together, at least I'd like some action.

 

I don't really have any answers but obviously, this porn/sex problem is overrunning a lot of relationships. It's definitely something that will have to brought up in counseling for us as well.

 

I feel that (and I think someone else mentioned it in another post) that the visuals that men, who have this porn problem, are getting is making it difficult to relate to their partners in real life. Reality Porn is ruining sex for couples.

[Guest22]

Seems to be a big problem with men in particular

[Lonely and confused]

I dated a girl for four years and I used to look at porn once in a while. I didnt really see it as an addiction, but I never looked at hardcore porn or anything. My girlfriend was annoyed with it, but was happier that I was looking at pictures rather than having real sex with other women. I never looked at porn just to look either, it was all bussiness. haha. Had my girlfriend looked at porn, I would of been bothered. Had she watched porn with me, I wouldnt mind at all? its wierd I know. But when I looked through her eyes I made the decision to stop. I realized the unfair double standard men have towards women with a sex drive.

 

But to be honest, I would of rather looked at pictures of her, and found myself thinking of her while looking at porn, sometimes I just

needed a woman to look at, I never really personalized it.

 

You know when your car battery is dead, and you need another vehicle to jump the car. Thats how I viewed porn. Whenever I was stressed out and just needed a release ild open the porn, look quick, and then thats that. I would of rather had sex with my girlfriend, but she just wasnt there at the time when i needed it.

 

it never hurt our sex life. infact I would argue that it strengthened our sex life.

i may of revealed to much to total strangers.

 

also...

 

if a man is masturbating 8 hours a day, sneaking around and such, there may be more to it then an addiction to porn

 

he may be addicted to sex also. ALOT of people are. i used to have a friend who masturbated 10 times a day. must of had callouses all over his weiner.

[sad girl mad girl]

i'm in the same situation but the dif is i'm expecting a baby

i'm so hurt

i've known about it but it just seems to get worse

i've tried to talk about it but it's really hard for him to look at me in the eye and talk about it

sex should'nt be dirty or shamefull and i'm being very open minded about it but he really wants to keep it to himself

i'm starting to feel like i'm in the way of what he wants

he might end up lonely with no REAL sex

[Shawnster]

Women need to feel loved to have sex(in a relationship without intoxicants etc. etc.)

 

MEN NEED TO HAVE SEX TO FEEL LOVED.

[Shawnster]

MEN NEED SEX TO FEEL LOVED

Just like women need to feel loved to have sex.

Ill say this bluntly because it needs to be said:

STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.

Truth be told honestly, WOMEN do not understand.

Before you jump my case let me state my case.

I have no right to start a movement against PMS, or any other women specific issue that I

dont understand because I am a man. In the same way women do not understand

male masurbation.

I am a masturbator. Like 95% of all men. Really.

I like to masturbate to porn. Why? better orgasm.

I also like to drink alcohol, but I am not an Alcoholic.

I do not smoke but I do not jump a smokers case if they like doing it.

Is smoking bad for your health, yes! And I would do all I could to help

if someone wanted to quit.

My point is:

Just like alcohol can be an addiction and lead to bad stuff doesnt mean it does for me.

Could it in the future, yes!

So why is this important. Because the attention needs to be on the cause and not the effect.

Masterbating to porn is an effect. It is not the cause of relationship problems it is the result

of relationship problems.

Case in point, no relationship at all. Ask single(not getting any)guys if they masterbate.

The answer whether they admit to it or not would be yes. Why?

Because guys are wired to need sex, before alot of other things happen, like feeling loved.

Yes I know you can debate this all day but lets look closer.

IF YOU ASKED ANY GUY ANYWHERE IF HE COULD CHOOSE, PUSSY OR PORN(gay etc. excluded) HE WOULD CHOOSE PUSSY!

Why then is there a problem at all. Because it isnt the problem it is the effect of a problem.

Just the way Drugs and Alcohol are used to offset something else so is porn.

I am married. Sex with my wife involves a 22 step romantic process, and thats only if she is in the mood to start it. This leads to alot of time and effort to pick her emotional lock so she feels loved and we can have sex. Which by the way is really what Im interested in. A couple of hours later(if there is that to spare) she is satisfied. This of course happens on the stipulation that im not pissed at her and she isnt pissed at me, etc. etc. I could have been satisfied in 5 min in the computer room.

I hate to burst your bubble but sex for a guy involves mainly one part. The penis

Women think they understand this, but then they wouldnt be asking the question "WHY PORN".

To put it simply we are either not getting what we want or enough of it. I dont want to spend an hour romancing my wife(every day mind you, romance is still an important part). I just feel like I am filling my taxes every time I want to use money.

I DO WANT A BLOWJOB EVERYDAY. AND WOULD NEVER EVER LOOK AT PORN AGAIN IF I GOT IT.

Bingo.

Also If sex involved more spuratic, "Gee honey since we stoped for gas, how about a blowjob in the bathroom". I would worship the ground she walked on.

Instead I am reduced to self sex with porn.

Lets talk about the porn issue. Pretend we just took all the porn in the world away. HURAY!

Now guys masterbate without porn. Maybe thinking a girl they want to have sex with or the last

time they had sex. Isnt that interesting, the problem isnt solved. Lets take away masterbation.

All the sudden suicides go up,divorce rates rise, REAL DRUG USE HAPPENS!

Why?

Because the problem isnt solved. Just in the way you would yell at a man with a wooden leg for limping. BUT I HAVE A WOODEN LEG, trying to cure the limp isnt going to solve anything.

I am not promoting porn or trying to defend it. I think porn is bad. Why? Lots of reasons you prob.

already know.

I AGREE!

This however does not solve the problem. I need sex. I need a certain kind and amount of sex. Men need sex. Men need sex diffrently than women.

Really ladies would you rather have your man jacking off on the computer or sleeping with the secretary. MEN ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX. How would you like them to have it.\?

One of my friends wife just left him to a guy she never met but just chatted with online. Why?

Because the guy online gave her the emotional fullfilment she needed. In the same way we men

have a physical need we ARE going to get, one way or another.

The next time you find your hubby masterbating on the computer, go and turn off the computer

and help him masturbate. You might be suprised. And before you know it he wont even need to

masterbate.

 

[Confused..]

Shawnster,

That was a good analogy..but I was wondering what you think about this...My husband and I are married for 6 yrs..I want more sex and he can't provide it because he masterbated for the day..He is like a one time day so of guy..He knows that I would watch Porn with him but yet he prefer to do it by himself. What's the deal with that? Also everytime, and I mean EVERYTIME we do have Sex (and yes it it SEX and not make love) He has the porn channel on..Can you honestly say that that is okay and normal and I should just keep it that way? NOt to say it last about 15-20 minutes at most..I do not think he can get an erection without watching porn..So tell me that is normal right? That, as a woman I am overreacting..Porn is harmless? Now when we have sex I feel nothing in my heart, empty.. SO you mean to tell me that you would be satisifed knowing perfectly well that your wife does not enjoy having sex with you as long as you have sex then everything is just fine with your marriage? Bottom line, Your marriage is just fine if you get some wether your wife is happy/satisfied or not?

[ollydolly]

The thing is Unreasonable girlfriend - people who view porn with such devotion feel dirty about it because porn is a dirty business. You can't fudge it. It is sexuality always from the gutter's point of view.

 

When people need porn to get off with a partner, it is because the act of true, vulnerable intimacy doesn't get them off anymore or maybe not be available to them anymore. Girl, you've become hardened in a part of you that deep down was once open to something far more tender and satisfying. Don't be telling people how cool it really is for you.

 

I bet you'd much rather be able to be authentically intimate with a partner and have that reality hot-flush your arousal system to the point of climax, than have to watch other people pretend to be doing it. When you have to watch other people f*** for kicks (or pretend to) - you yourself have sadly lost the art of f***ing.

 

This thread starter obviously wants something better for herself than a gutter-f*** obsessed boyfriend - and her desire for it is an honorable thing.

[Guest]

When people need porn to get off with a partner, it is because the act of true, vulnerable intimacy doesn't get them off anymore or maybe not be available to them anymore.

 

Sometimes a hot image is just a hot image. Consume it for what it is - something that turns your crank. Then forget it and move on. It's a bit much to expect that every single act of sex with your partner be the deep, true, vulnerable intimacy thing. Sometimes you give each other pecks instead of major kisses. Sometimes you have quickies. And sometimes you use a little extra juice to turn your crank. It is not the huge deal that a lot of people seem to wish to think it is.

[inertia_creeps]

watching porn and its effects differ from relationship to relationship.

 

I read a study recently that claimed watching porn was more addictive than crack cocaine - did anyone else see that?

 

I watch alot of porn - but it doesnt affect my sex life with my girlfriend really - working all the hours god sends and having a little girl affects the sex life more!

 

I have to say i dont really like me watching porn - however sometimes it is good for a release.

 

Porn is addictive - no doubt about that. Your boyfriend was probably watching it all day because of this. Its like trying to recall that first time you got high - except you can never really achieve that high again - no matter how much you watch it.

[Pnutzmome]

Let me just quickly tell you all I have a thread on the Divorce and Separation forum about this ("My husband is addicted to adult friend finder sites") so please read. To anyone who thinks just watching porn is not a big deal, for an addict, it always progresses to more. My husband progressed to posting an ad on a "friend finder" site. Yes, I knew he watched porn when we met (we even watched some toegether). Yes, we even used toys and such so I am by no means a prude...this is just an addiction and it has now ruined his second marriage and separated him from 2 kids from his first and now our son. The problem is I htought if he loved me enough, he would "overcome" this need. Then, once I found out about his "posting" I kinda' lost interest in having sex with him and couldn't seem to understand why! Who wouldn't? He went to a total of 6 MC sessions, never told the counselor the whole truth and began staying out until 4:30am every other Friday night. My advice to any of you is if your significant other is showing signs of sexual addiction and you are still in the dating stages, seriously consider whether you can handle this over the long haul - I've invested 10 years and my heart breaks everyday and tears still come pretty regularly. He can't decide between giving up that lifestyle and his family - how's them apples????

[Guest]

"IF YOU ASKED ANY GUY ANYWHERE IF HE COULD CHOOSE, PUSSY OR PORN(gay etc. excluded) HE WOULD CHOOSE PUSSY!"

 

This very statement indicates a total lack of awareness of the problem. I have been married for nearly eleven years to a man who has always chosen the porn. From reading the previous posts, it is clear to me that I am not alone. I thought I was, because I thought the above statement was true. I thought there was something wrong with me. I even left him for four years and had enough affairs to assure myself that there were plenty of men in this world who found me far more desirable than a fantasy and a bottle of hand lotion.

 

Hearing from a man that all men prefer pussy to porn only reinforces the inadequacy a woman feels when her partner continuously rejects her in favor of his fantasies. Thanks for your help, Shawnster.

 

That being said, I'm wondering if there is anyone who actually has found a solution to this. My husband convinced me things had changed, and he talked me into stopping the divorce and moving 2000 miles across the country to try again. Now, although he continues to masturbate 2-3 times a week, by his own admission, he is unable to maintain an erection long enough to have sex. He refuses to see a doctor. When I bought some over-the-counter stuff, it just collected dust. He absolutely refuses to see a counselor. I made it very clear to him before I moved that I absolutely would not, could not live without a normal sex life, but that is what I'm doing.

 

Is there a way to break through a man's denial that is kind and compassionate???

[Guest]

My boyfriend has a problem with porn, and it's been going onthroughout our entire relationship. We've been together for over a year now. When I first noticed he had porn on his computer, it wasn't a big deal. We had just moved in together, and I figured he would be done with now. Wrong. He started staying up late, or getting up early, just to watch porn. Any time I left the house (even if I was just on the front lawn, he's start downloading more. I even caught him watching it one time. He acted as if I didn't notice he was sitting in front of his comp with an errection. I talked with him about it, not getting angry at first, just telling him it hurt me that he was always choosing porn over me. (He stopped wanting sex from me). Then he told me he had to have it because he used to do steroids and he can't get it up anymore. Which I know is bull ****, because we've gone camping and he didn't have porn and it wasn't a problem. Finally, after so many discussio/arguments about it, I told him I had talked to my mom about it, and she said we can work through this, or I can move in with her. He was angry I talked to my mom about it. I said if it embarrassses him, then he shouldn't be doing it! I also said that if he thinks it's ok for women to act in that manner, would he be proud of his mother being a porn star? Would he think his mom would be leading a healthy, fullfilled life if thats what she was doing? He finally agreed to stop. He broke all his CD's and I took his magazine and tossed them. It all seemed fine for a few months. Just today, however, I found another CD he made, this one dated a month ago. Which means he's been lying to me. What do I do? How can I get him help? Should I just move on? He's not home yet, and I want to say something about what I found, but what do i say?

 

I too was addicted to porn............once you start you will NEVER to stop! I now know why God calls EVERYONE to be a virgin. I know that from your boyfriends point of view he must think well I am not doing it so it is okay! Well it is not! The way I stopped was I took my computer and gave it to a friend to keep till I was better. I had a lot of trouble doing it though! I would sometimes go to the library just to go to a website of that stuff! FINALLy after a year of watching this stuff I made up my mind to stay at home and not go out for a week and it worked! I didn't look at the stuff anymore and I now have a WONDERFUL boyfriend that too used to but now is better like me! Hope this helps in one way or another!

Sincerly,

Porn_addicted_now_stopped