Do these men have personality disorders?

[Spark1111]

My spouse was originally diagnosed as a borderline when he entered post affair counseling. A high functioning borderline, but a borderline, just the same. He has learned a huge amount of different coping skills since then, and works hard at staying healthy.

 

That is the second most common PD in an affair, folllowed bi bi-polar.

I am happy he is open to receiving treatment. That's huge! Good for him, and great for you!

[Decorative]

That is the second most common PD in an affair, folllowed bi bi-polar.

I am happy he is open to receiving treatment. That's huge! Good for him, and great for you!

 

I agree. It has made a giant difference in all his relationships- not just our marriage. He did not even realize how faulty his thinking was ( and to be honest- I didn't realize how he was thinking about things, and what he was hiding), but now that he knows how to interrupt that circuit, it's so much better.

[KathyM]

^^^ Very important.

 

If you've grown up with a narcissistic parent like I have, you realize the description given by most OW/OM of their MP doesn't even come close.

Well, I know my sister's cheating ex husband had NPD. He had all of those traits, and it was not just during his cheating periods. It was exhibited in other ways as well, and he exhibited them over a period of several years. The OW doesn't normally get to know the real man behind the facade that she gets to see. The OW gets to see the MM on his best behavior, normally. The BS gets to see him for who he really is. She's known him many years. She sees him in a variety of situations. The OW does not have a realistic concept of the real man behind the facade.

[Lillyfree]

Oh, mine was broken. Many, many issues there...and I cared about him more because he was that way... And that's what attracted me in the beginning.

[KathyM]

Oh, mine was broken. Many, many issues there...and I cared about him more because he was that way... And that's what attracted me in the beginning.

You are attracted to dysfunctional men? NPD men who are so self centered that they only care about their own feelings and desires, and don't care who they hurt in the process of satisfying their own desires? Or borderline men who alternate between being so very needy that they smother you, and then they blame you for everything, and their emotions are so volatile that you never know if you'll be seeing the Jeckle or the Hyde from one day to the next? You may want to ask yourself why you find dysfunction attractive. I would find neither of those personality disorders attractive. Bipolar men, when they are taking their medication, are completely normal and in control. If they are untreated, they are prone to extreme impulsivity, volatile mood swings, who can't sleep, can't think straight, and are delusional. I don't see what would be attractive about that.

[Decorative]

In my life- I have known two borderlines, two diagnosed borderlines. I suspect a few others . LOL

 

One is an ex-friend and neighbor- who hits every single criteria possible- and when she mentioned it- it was a lightbulb going off. We were close for awhile- but that was not a sustainable relationship.

 

My spouse has enough criteria ( 5 of 9 points, I believe) that his therapist started dealing with it, helping him, and he even did group therapy for a little while. But his was never as bad as what the neighbor did/has done/continues to do even now.

 

It's strange- our MC says that she sees men with my spouse's profile- high achievers in multiple fields, usually married, friendly at times, moody in others, but that if there isn't a big problem ( like an affair) then sometimes they just go through life always being difficult at strange times inexplicably, although itbusually lessens as they age. And that she hates the precipitating crises that bring them to treatment, but with treatment, those types of borderlines can enjoy a better life in all areas, and so can the people around them.

[KathyM]

May I ask about your sister's WS? Was he a serial cheater? Did he have a long term EMR or multiple EMRs? If multiple, were they short term or long term?

 

My ex, I hesitate to label him as NPD but he clearly has multiple NPD traits and may well be a fullblown narcissist, was a serial cheater. I've known him for 30+ years so these traits definitely are consistent. He had EMRs ranging from ONS to the longest one which was half-a-year. I'm wondering if the MM with NPD may be more prone to serial cheating and multiple EMRs as opposed to a long term EMR. What do you think?

He was a serial cheater, who was only in it for the sex. He had a beautiful, sweet wife at home, but he felt entitled to do whatever he wanted. He was extremely arrogant and liked to think he was superior to others and looked down upon others. His first AP got off on the fact that she was doing it with a MM. The second AP was duped into thinking he cared about her, when really, he only cared about himself and getting his own desires met. My sister suspects there was a third OW, but she only has proof of the two. They were very short term affairs. I definately think men who are serial cheaters are likely to have NPD. I also think that men who have a long term affair with the same woman are likely to have NPD also, because they are continuing the huge and hurtful deception against their wife for such a long period without regard for her feelings or well being. What kind of man does that, who will take years of his wife's life away from her like that, making her to live a fake life, going home to her and lieing to her day after day, month after month, year after year, in order to get some sex on the side or to live a double life? Normal people don't do that. Only a man who is so self centered and only cares about his own desires. I can see that a man who has one very brief affair at a period he was having an identity crisis, a mid-life crisis, or what-have-you, who briefly did something so out of character as an affair, may not be narcissistic or have a personality disorder, but for the long-term cheaters or serial cheaters, it is likely a personality disorder is there.

[angie2443]

I mostly agree with you. Yes, some people have personality disorders and it causes them to do some really messed up things. Many others, at least when it comes to the cake eaters, simply feel entitled to what they want even if it hurts someone else.

Edited December 22, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lillyfree]

You are attracted to dysfunctional men? NPD men who are so self centered that they only care about their own feelings and desires, and don't care who they hurt in the process of satisfying their own desires? Or borderline men who alternate between being so very needy that they smother you, and then they blame you for everything, and their emotions are so volatile that you never know if you'll be seeing the Jeckle or the Hyde from one day to the next? You may want to ask yourself why you find dysfunction attractive. I would find neither of those personality disorders attractive. Bipolar men, when they are taking their medication, are completely normal and in control. If they are untreated, they are prone to extreme impulsivity, volatile mood swings, who can't sleep, can't think straight, and are delusional. I don't see what would be attractive about that.

 

Yes, I have always been attracted to broken ones. It's a fault within me i have always been aware of.... I want to help them, and save them. Sigh

OM obviously had NPD. Didn't get on with his father, had mother issues. Manchild, irresponsible, selfish. I suspect manic depressive to a degree-a lot of times i was wondering if i was talking to just one person. But he's the one that got to me :/

[Catplates]

It describes xMM beautifully....

 

1. Requires excessive amount of admiration.

 

2. Lacks empathy.

 

3. Has a sense of entitlement.

 

4. Takes advantage of others.

 

5. Arrogance.

[2sure]

Itmeans you both had terrible childhoods in that their was a major emotional trauma, you were both were either emotional or physically abused or neglected, and the parents who were suppose to protect you and keep you save failed somehow on the job for your specific age.

 

PDs attract truamatized children. The allure is the subconscious need to save and protect each other, only you are much, much healthier than they are. It could take a lifetIme to realize that. Good luck getting away.

 

Spark I just saw this. I have to run, but wanted to talk with you about this soon so I've bookmarked it.

[stevie_23]

Narcissistic personality disorder? I'm not sure about that, but I do think that perhaps there is a higher likelihood of a MM who has an A simply being more selfish, self absorbed, and for want of a better word, "greedy" than some other people.

 

I kind of see it like this...

 

Almost all people in a long term relationship fall out of that "in love" phase at some point in the relationship. Some people, after this happens and at varying times after it happens, deal with it by simply being content to settle and live in a slight state of boredom or lack of excitement / feeling alive (the feeling new love brings).

 

Other people become very unhappy with this and can't live contentedly that way, so they either have an A or they leave altogether. The person that leaves altogether figures either (a) they'd be happier alone and hopes to again find love and that maybe it'll last "forever" this time, and/or (b) they have enough self respect or "discipline" to not hurt their partner or deceive and disrespect them by having an A.

 

The people that do stay in the marriage do so because of various reasons, each very specific and unique to the individual and the couple involved. Maybe they can't leave for financial reasons, health reasons, children, etc. The list can be endless.

 

Maybe they simply are comfortable and don't want to leave, but still need that rush of fresh love, so they're the types that want to have their cake and eat it too. And these are the types who may have some sort of personality flaw, though I wouldn't say a disorder per se.

 

They tend to be able to compartmentalise their lives in order to have this A. They have this "love bubble" and within the bubble, they truly believe they are in love with the OW, but at the same time, they're not prepared (or can't) to leave their existing relationship for whatever reason.

 

Maybe they know deep down it's a fantasy and it won't last forever, so better to at least maintain some stability in terms of their life in general by staying in the marriage, even if they're bored or vaguely unhappy.

 

Who knows. And who cares.

[KathyM]

My sister's cheating ex husband definately had NPD. People with Borderline Personality Disorder also are more likely to cheat, as are people with Bipolar Disorder that is not treated, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. You can also add to the list people with ADHD, because they often lack impulse control.

[skylarblue]

But have you ever thought that the MM you're involved with may more serious emotional/psychological issues than the "average guy" (for lack of a better word)? Like narcissistic personality disorder?

 

No, I don't think xMM had emotional/psychological disorder(s). I do think he possess certain traits (distinguishing quality or characteristic, typically one belonging to a person) such as entitlement and arrogance. He also has certain tendencies (a proneness to a particular kind of direction or approach toward a (particular) place, object, effect, or limit) such as to act manipulatively or selfishly. His behavior

(actions or reactions in response to) was the manifested results of these factors/tendencies combined with the external and/or internal stimuli of/brought about by the A.

 

In general, I think some aspects have to be applied (even if only on a temporary basis) if engaging in an A. At the very least, APs will have to suspend/suppress their emotion/reaction to sympathize or react to their sympathy.

 

In my case, I was aware of (or at least expected) a/the unfavorable side of xMM, although there were still times where I was shocked or caught off guard. However, it wasn't until after and near the end of the A that I started to relay it more significantly and automatically to his personality as a whole instead of separate incidences collectively.