Words of advice

[MESO]

Here is my situation....in april my gf decided she wanted a break. It was for a variety of different reasons none that are too important to my story....during this break we still talked. it was by far not no contact. we still talked almost every night and we saw each other maybe twice a week. BUt it was nothing like when we were together, she was very distant and i was very needy. She was like keeping me on a rope while she scoped out what else was there...she said she was confused and didnt know what she wanted...

 

After while i got sick of it, i hated the way i felt waking up every morning not being able to talk to ehr, not knowing whats going on ehr life... so i decided to give her an ultimatum.

 

It actually worked. at first things were a little weird but after while things were right back to normal and things were great.

 

The past months were great with her and i couldnt have been happier. So many times i wanted to come on here and tell you guys about my success story. but im jsut very superstitious and ddint want to jinx myself.

 

well now after maybe two months of being back together all the old conflicts are coming back to the surface...things are getting pretty hairy again and i can see myself going through all the pain and agony all over again

 

So i guess i just want to tell you guys.

If your ex all of a sudden caves and says ok ill get back with you, dont just jump into there and arms and act like every thing is all better again.

 

Make sure you work out all the problems and see what both of you really want.

 

i think i was too blinded by the fact that this was my second chance that i didnt think about all this.

 

Things might still be ok for me but i thought if i could help someone on here then maybe there is a purpose for this

[treegirl]

When me and my boyfriend got back together after being apart just a little over a year.... we took things slowly and made sure we used better communication skills. We talked about everything and took great care of each other....

 

Second chances are awesome but sometimes they just aren't meant to be....

 

I wish you the very best of luck,

 

Love TreeGirl

xoxo

[Kate]

wow that's my story. my bf needed time and space after arguing back in may. we took a 2 month break, spoke about once a week, saw eachother once a week. slowly things started going back into place, but it seemed that after the first great weekend, old issues surfaced again. right now we are trying to work through them, but once again i am totally unfulfilled and fed up. he can not meet my needs and it is so hard. it's like one day he is with m e, the next he wants to be alone. he is very inconsitent and doesn't see things that way.

 

we are together right now because his need of space was due in large part to some life changes he was facing. moving out (finally) of his mom's house at 26, being flat broke and trying to start his own business, being overwhelmed in general. basically because of all this he was neglecting me, not appreciating all of the things i did for him, and really needed his own time and space. but while i know all of this, it is still not acceptable his behavior. he is only available when HE wants to be, when he wants something or REALLY misses me. it's always on his terms, and while he asks me why i am with him if i am unhappy, i say it's because i believe that he will be different once things "fall into place for him". i would like to believe that but have been too scared to wait and be without him. i love him.

 

i am continuing on this crappy road because i don't want to lose something because i am impatient. but at the same time, i am thinking that if something is meant to work out, and you are bursting with emotion inside, no matter what you do, the same result will occur. lately i have been impatient and not understanding of his need for space. this weekend i brought him lunch 2 days in a row -- saturday things were great, he wanted to be with me, etc. we hung out all sat. night and then parted sunday. sunday i suprised him with another lunch from his favorite place. then i hung out while he worked ( he had to work alllll weekend) and waited for him to finish. as soon as he was done he decided he was going home, eating and going to bed. i know he was tired, but it just felt so crappy to me that it was a sunday evening and i had waited to hang out with him. and when i told him, all he could say is "i'm sorry, i'm tired". this might sound normal to you guys, but this is ALWAYS the case with him -- his needs, his time. i constantly sacrifice for him, and i don't think i will ever be different in any other relationship. we simply clash in our approaches. the messed up part is when i don't call him for a few days, he is suddenly burning to see me.

 

i'll keep you posted on this one -- today i called him at lunch to see if he wanted to hang out for an hour, as he was not working. instead of wanting to see me, he was "busy" installing a humidifier in the basement and painting his room again. one hour....and he couldn't do it....i feel like such a loser as though i am begging for his time. this has been a pattern with him from day one, though. if a person shows him they really want/need him, he runs for cover.

[MESO]

wow kate we do have a lot similar here...

 

I am very much feeling the same way as you...unfulfilled, fed up, and my needs are definately not being met.

 

BUt i also feel the same way as that maybe im just being impatient and things maybe arent as bad as they feel inside. Maybe i just need to be more understanding of what she wants and needs....i dunno

 

Shes also only available when she wants to be...

 

she will also not have time for me cept she is ditching me for her friends...shes saying that she needs more time with them.

 

Its just hard cus i wanna give her the space she wants and is asking for. But i am also wondering how much is too much and wandering into the unhealthy relationship zone?

 

And lastly i also feel like a loser begging for time to spend and she could care less.

 

She is teh same too in that, if i show her they i really want her then she runs for cover...if i back off a little and show that im not interested then she kinda comes back to see whats going on...but then i think ok things can be normal again and then again she backs off.

 

Im sick of these games

 

Im here for you it sounds like we are in similar situations

[Kate]

i don't know what to say. every freaking day things change for me. but i will tell you this -- things will get BETTER for you -- maybe you won't FEEL better inside, but things will get clearer.

 

i had a bad day yesterday -- but i have just stop caring if he chases me or not, how his situation applies, etc. the point is, if it is true love, they will comprimise for you and you will compromise for them. i'ts not their fault waht happened in their own families, but it is up to them to change. your gf is still really young. you need to take more of a stand and stop letting her walk all over you -- she is not walking on you, you are letting her...in fact, encouraging her to. what i mean by this is that her behavior is directly proportional to yours. if you act needy, you enable her. if you realize that she is only a freaking human being, is not next to God, etc., you will do better.

 

i have put this plan into act recently and it has done me wonders. yesterday i can honestly say that i was acting unfair, needy and b.itchy. but, unlike usual, after my conversation with him when i asked him to spend time with me and he was "too busy", i didn't call him an hour later....i didn't call for the rest of the night. my p9oint is, if you change your behavior, anything is possible. forget about the pain and this sounds crazy, but find anotehr girl to focus on. this will make yoiu see things more clearly. i don't mean date another girl, i mean fixate yourself on something that makes yoiou realize she is not the only human being on the planet. this has been truly instrumental in my development. and is really the only thing (besides also going for therapy to understand MYSELF better!) that has helped me. i love myself more and respect myself.

 

at the end of the day, i can't imagine my bf (despite his need for space) EVER disrespecting a member of my family. even though i have some things to worry about in the future about his understanding of family, he has made it CLEAR to me what his expectations are -- and they are quite high. you need to put your damn foot down and not let your gf disrespect your familial situation. i can promise you that there will be MANY problems to come. no matter HOW much i disliked my bf's family, i would never ever say it to his face. i just wouldn't. some things are better off left silent, even in marriage, unless it is TRULY hindering your life. i say you need to tell her STRAIGHT FORWARDLY all of your thoughts. i did this with my bf a couple months ago, and let go of the fear of him leaving me. guess what? he didn't. and trust me, my honesty about what i hated about him was brutal, but HONEST. and guess what? he appreciated it. a secure and reliable person will respect you. i''m not saying leave her, i'm saying leave her with an option to compromise and understand what is important to you . if she can't, drop her like a ton of bricks. even ultimatums don't force change. you can pr0obalby find any girl you want, and she needs to knowt hat. but she will only learn with ACTION, not with WORDs. so be careful how you do it.

[blackendangel13]

Wow! I am dealing with such a similar situation it is scary! I broke up with my boyfriend a little over a month ago and two days after the breakup he took me on a date and treated me better than when we were together. We still talk alot and I was seeing him a couple times a week or so (on his terms) and I got fed up. He said he wanted time and space and I gave it to him, but being friends and all that was his idea, and he continued to lead me on with promises of "possibly" getting back together after he "sorted things out". I was opposed to seeing him but I love him and no matter how much it hurt I couldnt let go of him. So I sat around and waited for him to call and jumped through a hoop to see him.

 

Well one week he turned into a complete selfish jerk. We were supposed to hang out and he didn't call (never in 2 years has he pulled that), so I refused to call him and a week goes by with no contact. I finally was so fed up that I wrote him a four page letter about how he was a coward and he was making me feel like **** and I wanted my stuff back. I didn't want him to run back to me, I just wanted him to hear all the things he was making me feel and to get my closure on the situation so I could move ahead. He called me a day after and broke down about how sorry he was and I was right and he needed to see me. So we spent the next 4 days together and now he is back to not calling again. I am so fed up, and don't understand why it is so hard to let go. I hung out with a new guy the other day and he was everything I could want but I couldn't stop wishing he'd turn into my ex.

 

So again with the no contact, it has been 3 days (we used to talk everyday) and I'm getting fed up again. It seems that with most second chances posts I am seeing here, the ex likes the drama, they like that we hang on everything they do and say. So we need to call the shots or we will forever be in this spiral of "sometimes its good, sometimes its bad". Go out with your friends and meet new people. I know its hard believe me, I am living it, and it doesn't take your heart away from that one person, but it does take your mind off them, which builds alot of self confidence and gives you so much more clarity. I hung out with some friends and met a few new guys who told me I was beautiful and it felt so amazing. I can't remember the last time my boyfriend had said such nice things to me. Surround yourself with positive people who compliment you. It does so much for your self esteem and when the ex comes around to walk on you, pretty soon it will be easier than you know to say F-you. lol yeah I have some hostility towards the ex sorry. Hope this helps.

[MaiGrl]

Wow I feel like I am reading thoughts from my own head in here! lol, I was with my bf for almost 3 years.. The towards the end of our relationship he pulled the: we can only hang out when it is convenient for me bs. Well we broke up about a month ago, reasons not really important to this thread.

 

Well a couple weeks ago he came running back to me like a lost puppy. I was taking things slow with him, letting him call me and being as busy as I could. Things have been so good lately it was starting to feel like normal. We went to a party sat and had the best time! Monday we went out for drinks with friends and it was perfect. The last few days I have been calling him more and accepting when ever he wants to see me (i know, HUGE mistake)

 

We had plans for yesterday but got to busy so he had to cancel. Today we also have plans. I called him a few times while he is at work (he always makes time to talk) and he was busy and said he would call back in a couple mins, but never did. I last talked to him at 1:00 when I was heading home from work. He apologized for being so busy that he couldn't called, I said I understand. Then he said he would call me back in a minute. I came home and got ready since he usually gets out of work at 2. It is now past 4:00 and still no phone call.

 

I really can see it now.. When I am not around, not calling, and too busy to see him, he goes nuts with chasing after me. When I act like things are back to normal, he acts like, yea she is all mine again so I can have her later if and when I want to. I think I made the mistake of giving in to him and going back into his arms like we are together again, which we are not.

 

I just don't get it.. How can one day he talks about how he wants to get back together more than anything, that he wants me to move in with him, and how he wants to be together forever; and then the next day it is like he doesn't even want to be with me at all.

 

I think they like to be in control of the relationship. When you aren't there, they loose it. When you are at their beck and call, you become their option because they know you are all theirs for when they want.

[blackendangel13]

Exs' live to play games and I am starting to see it more and more. The reason I am so irritated is because I allow myself to give in over and over. I have taken him back on his terms more times than I can count, not just since the break-up but as far as the relationship went too. This time away from him is not only making me see the person he is but the person I want him to be as well. Its so hard to make the break. I am trying but whenever I see him I can't.

 

I suggest that anyone in this position surround themselves with positive people. Obviously in this situation the ex is not one of them. My problem in the relationship is due to uncontrollable cercumstances I became super dependent on him and somewhat cast my friends aside to be only comforted by him. Now I am getting those friends back and they are helping build back the self esteem I have lost because of him. Someday I might even be strong enough for a clean break, but sadly right now. I will say this though... it does get easier with this approach. After the letter and him running back to me I have been very skeptical about his intentions. I am not as trusting as before and the guard is definately up. I actually hang out with him thinking he won't call after for a week and that week he doesn't call is not as bad. I don't make up excuses to call him anymore and I am starting to feel better about myself and feel like someone will love me the way I want and deserve to be loved, even if it isn't him. Just surround yourself with positive people and each day will get easier.

[MaiGrl]

Just a little update.. Hopefully somebody can learn from the mistakes I have made

 

He called about an hour ago. He said, I am almost home and I am going out for a ride with my friends. I said, yea thanks for dinner! (he has been promising to take me out to my favorite steak house for a week now and he promised on Monday that he was going to take me on Wednesday) He said, ooh no I forgot all about dinner. Then he said, how about we go tomorrow.. I said, I'm busy (I'm really not) then said I gotta go.

 

He two-wayed me asking why I have to go. I didn't answer. He called twice after that and I didn't answer. I didn't answer because I was on the other line making plans for tonight with my friends are and will always there for me.

 

I'm not mad the he forgot, I am mad because he couldn't break his plans plans he just made to go out on his motorcycle so he could keep his plans with me. How dare him put me on the back burner like that!! I really see how important I am to him. He really cares about my feelings huh!!

 

Ok as was writing that he called and I answered. he apologized for forgeting out plans. I said I'm not mad because you forgot but.... see reason above. Then he said to somebody else, can I have to check please. I asked, what are you doing, he said we just stopped for some food. WHAT A JACK***!!!!!!

 

I know what we all should do. Me especially since I am suggesting this... Even thought in our hearts, the other person in very important to us and we really really want to see them, we have to make them less important to us. If you want to see him or her, instead of waiting for their call, call up your friends and go have fun with them! So when he or she does call, you are out having fun and are too busy to see them. Open up their eyes so they see how much they want to see you and make them miss you! You deserve to be missed and wanted. Maybe then they will start putting real effort into your relationship. Make seeing them into your terms.

[Kate]

well ladies i feel all of your pain... this topic of "bf or gf underappreciating you" ( i hope this isn't diverting toooo much from the original post, i think it applies, actually.

 

after 8 months of feeling underappreciated for the most part, and still wanting to stay with him, i have come to the conclusion that it simply really IS up to me to control this. for the last 2 weeks, i have been letting HIM call ME. i think the part that sucks about you calling THEM is that you already have it in your head they will blow you off, and that transfers over in your voice. your intonation is such that is scares them off. this is why you have to lay off asking them to do anything -- it's not WHAT you are saying, it's HOw you are saying it. until i reach a point where i can consistenly make a suggestion to hang out but then don't worry if he's going to cancel, i'm not going to ask him to do anything.

 

i have also already gone through the whole thing where as soon as he can hang out, I jump. i have done this OVER and OVER...and over...and i have come to realize that men simply want a chase. i sincerely don't think my bf is doing it on purpose, it's just the way he is. he obviously needs some time and space any way right now, even though we are exclusive in our relationship.

 

so, i have decided to stop returning calls till the next day, and occassionally be too busy to hang out. until you don't feel so weak inside that you will be threatened with making plans with them and then them possibly bailing, you should not make plans with them.

 

i am finally getting my control back. i have been hanging oiut with other guys, friends, and getting my "mojo" back. i don't even care anymore what my bf wants -- for once in my life, i feel i am being more selfish in the relationship. trust me, i have been through HELL and back (i have been posting on here for months!!) and i can honestly tell all of you out there that you seriously reach a point where it just doesn't matter anymore. i already know what the worst feels like, but i also know i can prevent it by being ambivalent. i realize that every time my bf moves away from me, it doesn't mean he is going to keep going in that direction. if i simply leave him alone (the way he is genetically made) he comes running back. i think part of this really is a man syndrome, as he has no bad intentions and has never disrespected me. but, it's also not right -- howeve ri have found that with him, words do not work. he cares what i say, looks me dead in the eye, etc., but words mean nothing. i know he will call me tonight, as i didn't hear from him yesterday. we are supposed to have plans this weekend and i know he will not blow me off. but, i'm turning my phone off long before i go to bed. he will not be able to reach me. that would frustrate anyone! i'm not being mean, i'm just showing him how much he cares about me!!!

 

seriously guys, just be unavailable. i know that you "shouldn't have to play games", but this is allllll people. i was reading an interview with kelly rippa, and she was saying that during dating and even marriage, when her HOT husband would call her at work or after, she would either wait a few hours to call him back or not call until the next day! she claimed that this simply made the relationshp more fun and intense. she is right. being at someone's beck and call is fine most times, but you have to keep things interesting. men don't want to get bored, and part of them wants to FEEL single, not BE single. the way to do this is make them feel like they are just dating you again. i don't think i can ever change my bf -- i think he will always want to be challenged by me. and, i hyave finally come to the conclusion that this can be ok...i can do this, so can all of you. i want to make this work. plus, if he was a little puss who WAS always there for me, i would think of him as less than a man. the good thing here is i know mine is not playing games, he just needs a woman who is not always chasing him or too available. if i can give him that, i'm sure he can give me what i need in return -- more attention!

 

i'll let you all know how it goes. don't take this stuff too seriously...i dont think anyone's bf or gf is doing this stuff on purpose, i know my guy isn't, sometimes we are just made this way and don't even know it. at least we know what we can do about it --

[MESO]

well lets not forget that we are not all girls here....

 

Im a guy being played with by a girl ...

 

well my situation is getting worse and worse...

we had a big fight a couple nights ago. i told her that i didnt want a relationship like this if it were to keep going on like this.

she sensed that she may lose me....so of course the next day she was all over me trying to make me feel good and happy...

i ate it all up....so seh realized she has me again and now she is all distant and pushing me away again.

now tonight she has lied to me...

 

this relationship has taken a bad turn for the worse...

 

i sense i may blow up tonight

[NatoPMT]

i am loathe to agree with the playing games thing, but i really do think it works, however, whether its correct for a long term strategy is a different notion all togther. Maybe it keeps things good for the short term, but its still an effort and i dont think relationships should be that much of an effort. Its a ploy that can get things started when you first meet someone, but to keep them interested it sounds like too much hard work. For the woman that Kate quotes, maybe thats a natural state for her so it means that it works for her and her husband, for the rest of the posters above, its a real effort to manage that equilibrium.

 

my ex wanted to come back, after saying all the above things, and after realising that id cooled and my interest wasnt with him any more he wanted me back. instead of wanting to go through all that again, hed missed his chance and i was happier without him. and now i am happier than ive ever been. you split for a reason, and unless both parties are willing to work through those specific reasons, its not going to change. a problem that i see with what everyone has posted is that you are treading on eggshells to maintain interest in you. thats not a relationship, not one id want.

 

i say: end it if its not working.

 

BB

[crash&burn]

Hi,

 

My story can be found in another post, but for this thread it doesn't matter. I saw this post and thought that I might be able to help or atleast give a different perspective.

 

I was dating my ex for 2.5 years. The problem of me spending too much time with my mates, not showing her enough affection, not really treating her the way she should be treated came up over this time. She was a poor communicator, I only found out what I was doing wrong after it had built up to a point where I was bombarded.. Once she told me, I thought about, and realised that she was right. I loved her, she deserved to be treated like a princess, so I changed.. I really had no idea of what was expected, she was a few years older and this was my first real relationship.. So I fixed things. Whenever something like that came up, i'd work on it until it was fixed. Now i'm saying this because I think that this is how you should react when something is causing problems in your relationship, and more importantly making the love of your life unhappy. I don't care what your boyfriends/girlfriends excuses are, if they love you enough, and you communicate the problems, they should make every effort to fix the problem. There is NO EXCUSE, I have always been one to hang out with my mates all the time, but I changed.. So if your partner isn't giving you what you deserve, tell them straight. Tell them if they don't start to treat you how you should be treated, then your outta there. Ask yourself why you're staying with them if you're not happy. Be strong and resect yourself.

 

What I will add to this for the people out there who did what I did for their partner. My girlfriend and I are now broken up. I gave her everything she wanted. She was everything I wanted. Sometimes you just can't win. Men and women are so different, you really need to ensure that you communicate properly with each other. Force it if you have to. I never did, and when I found out the problem it was too late.. I didn't have a chance to fix it.

 

Good luck everyone