Was I Verbally/Emotionally Abused as a Child?

[MissSantana99]

I know this might be a good question to ask a psychiatrist and I am planning to go to one after the holidays, but I am really just curious because sometimes my parents can be good to me and do wonderful things to me. But here is my story:

 

I am an only child and I lived with two parents who both had troubled childhoods. A lot of times, they bitched at me about everything that was wrong with me, from my weight to how my hair looked. They always called me, "fat", "chubby", and that "I needed to go to the gym and tone down my belly". They even told me that I am going to be 500 and they are going to have to make the door to my bedroom bigger. I was no skinny supermodel by any means, but I was never that big. My dad told me at Thanksgiving that my hair will never look as good as my mom's and that mine looked like crap. It made me angry and want to cry, but it seemed to piss him off more. I could never do my hair myself because they would never try to help me learn how to do my hair because they would yell at me if I was doing it wrong. They were never patient towards me.

 

I was diagnosed with autism as a child and because of that, I was always picked on and it was very difficult for me to make friends. One summer, my parents forced me to find someone to go camping with me and my cousin agreed to go. I asked her to go to get my parents off of my back. However, she called me up and told me that she needed to do something at Bible school that Sunday and wouldn't be able to go. They torn into me, telling me that the reason that I had no friends was because I was a snob and that I was too lazy to make them. I was really hurt because I tried so hard, but people at my school were mean to me. I cried myself to sleep that night because I didn't know my parents could be that mean to me.

 

Also, when I was learning how to drive, every time I made a mistake, my mother would SCREAM at me. She would scare me and make me feel worthless. She would scream at me when my parents would fight and I would cry about it because their fighting scared me. She called me a dumb *** one time because I misinterpreted something that she said. And on that subject, one summer, when we were at the lake and we had forgotten the life jackets because my friend and I had to leave them at home, she went "duh" at me and tried to make me feel stupid. She told me that I lack common sense and that I am too lazy to do anything. This is when I was 14.

 

As an adult, they still say things that hurt me. They constantly tell me that I need to lose weight. They even say mean things about my husband behind his back. They have called him fat, a big *** baby, and someone that is less than a man. He has treated them with nothing but respect and dignity. He has helped them out and has never done anything bad to them. I am just wondering if they are abusive or they are just mean parents. Even though they said mean things to me in the past, they have always spoiled me as well with material things. That is where I am confused. As a result of their bullying, I have very low self esteem and I always constantly misinterpret what my husband says. I just want to know so I can work on my issues. Thanks so much and sorry this is a novel lol.

[Radu]

That is grade A abuse.

 

Look up the posts of dreamingoftigers in the Abuse section ... as well as other posts/threads there.

 

Don't feel guilty about them buying you stuff in return for this abuse, if you had a choice between normal parents and no stuff and this ... what would you choose ?

[MissSantana99]

It really sucks being this confused about it. I guess the line is blurred if they say mean things to you then give you things to rectify everything. I am going to a doctor and talking about all of this stuff because it has really affected me as an adult. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities. I get anxious over small things. I have anxieties about people getting angry with me over things I did. I constantly blame myself for everything. I feel like it's getting out of control sadly. I just need to move on.

[pink_sugar]

Definitely agree. Even if something like narcissism is preventing them from seeing that they have and continue to damage you, doesn't make it okay. My dad did this to my brother, but not to the same extreme. He would say he would end up fat, lazy and living in a trailer like our mom and he also screamed at my brother when learning to drive. My dad wanted to force me to drive at 16 and I'm glad he never taught me, my husband did. You seem very intelligent, how old are you? My dad would also tell me I need to "lose a few" when I was 120 pounds...all because he likes anorexic looking Asian women...despite being overweight himself. You need to separate yourself from your parents. You don't have to deal with this a moment longer. Stop speaking to them for awhile...if they continue and don't own up to their faults...stop speaking to them permanently.

[MissSantana99]

Hey! I am 27. I am sorry about what has happened to you. I feel your pain there. The reason that I want to start therapy is because I do not want to project the same crap on my own kids, even though my husband has promised that he will never let me do that. The other thing I am struggling with is whether I should forgive them or not and whether or not I should still love them. I still love them and I don't want anything bad to happen to them. But at the same time, I need to repair myself.

 

Speaking of your brother, I remember in high school, for one assignment on my midterm, I got a zero because my parents schlepped me off to town with them at the last minute and I couldn't make the assignment up. When my dad saw that on my midterm (because they had to sign it), he got furious and told me that no college was going to accept me because of this and I will end up attending a community college working at Burger King for the rest of my life. I cried so much after that and I gave up my social life so I could have impeccable grades to get into a college. Joke was on him because I went to college and in addition, have earned my masters degree.

Edited December 20, 2012 by MissSantana99

[sweetkiwi]

It really stinks that your parents were so mean. But id trade childhoods with you ANY day. Seek therapy. It helps. Also don't be a victim. Be better than them. And If it effects you still to this day, cut them out of your life.

[Radu]

I think it's a good [and noble] ideea that you are seeking therapy for this, to stop the curse [as i like to call it].

 

And personally i don't think your hubby understands how insidious this kind of abuse can be, how deep the roots are.

But it's great that he's by your side.

If possible share with him what goes on in the therapy and your childhood, so he can better understand.

[dreamingoftigers]

It really sucks being this confused about it. I guess the line is blurred if they say mean things to you then give you things to rectify everything. I am going to a doctor and talking about all of this stuff because it has really affected me as an adult. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities. I get anxious over small things. I have anxieties about people getting angry with me over things I did. I constantly blame myself for everything. I feel like it's getting out of control sadly. I just need to move on.

 

Hey there,

 

My ears were tingling, and I did a name search on myself LOL.

 

YES it is abuse.

 

I think I heard your story or one very similar to it on here before. Did you post previously?

 

My parents were similar, (they even used 'duh.' I swear that word is for people stuck mentally in junior high).

 

And no, giving you things doesn't offset any of it. In fact, it made me feel 'bought' like now my father had gotten some sort of ticket to treat me however he pleased.

 

And yes, both my husband and myself suffer horrible, life-freezing anxiety from childhood. I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

[Sugarkane]

I think people like this should be sterilized. It makes me angry when people out there are far more deserving and never get to be parents. Why do the abusive people always get to reproduce?

[MissSantana99]

Hey there,

 

My ears were tingling, and I did a name search on myself LOL.

 

YES it is abuse.

 

I think I heard your story or one very similar to it on here before. Did you post previously?

 

My parents were similar, (they even used 'duh.' I swear that word is for people stuck mentally in junior high).

 

And no, giving you things doesn't offset any of it. In fact, it made me feel 'bought' like now my father had gotten some sort of ticket to treat me however he pleased.

 

And yes, both my husband and myself suffer horrible, life-freezing anxiety from childhood. I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

This is my first time being on here. It is funny how similar our stories can be sometimes. I am glad that we can all help each other overcome our childhoods.

[Nyla]

Yes, you were certainly abused. It seems like your parents didn't take the time to understand your illness.

 

I became depressed from growing up in an abusive home and my family became even more mean after I fell ill. I shocked them by leaving home at age 21.

 

Now that I am married, my family treats me with more respect but my mom still tries to meddle in my life. She feels left out, but we leave her out because she likes to spread rumors and make nasty comments.

 

When I try to cut off my mother, she turns my siblings and my father against me and they all stop taking to me. I need to see my nieces, so I play nice. We see them once a month and we rarely attend family functions. The less they know about me, the better it is.

 

Therapy and getting your own place with minimal contact helps a lot. If you cannot live on your own, look into special supportive housing.

[pteromom]

Yes, you were abused.

 

I lived in an emotionally abusive household too.

 

Yes, you should forgive them. Forgiveness isn't about saying what they did was ok. It's not about forgetting. It's about no longer letting it have control of your emotions. It's about saying "I'm letting go of that pain and starting over."

 

If you are aware of what you went through, you will not project the same stuff on your own children. Be aware of how you show your feelings, and work on being honest and open and rational - especially in charged situations like during an argument.

 

Yes, the worst long-lasting effect of childhood abuse is how it makes you doubt your own judgment. "Is this as bad as it seems, or do I have a skewed perspective based on my background?" It takes a lot of reading and growing to work on that part and get to a place where you feel capable of judging a situation accurately.

 

Learn about creating boundaries. It's not about controlling others, which you can't do. It's about learning how to control what gets in. Learning to stand up for yourself and decide what you will and will not accept in your life. How to emotionally detach when people are trying to hurt and manipulate you.