Am I in love, or an idiot who's setting herself up for heartbreak?

[Storm_Chaser]

This is my first post on loveshack and I registered for one reason: I'm in a relationship--if you can call it that--that has been screwed up from the beginning.

 

Some background: He had just gotten out of a four year relationship. We lived together. We got engaged. His ex came back into the picture. He took back the ring and we got unengaged. I found out he was going over to the ex's and saying horrendous things about me and indicating to her that he wanted to get back with her. I moved out. He drove around the city until he found my car. We started talking again. I found out he was still talking to his ex and lying to both of us about each other. I became friends with the ex. He freaked out, assaulted me and said he wanted to be with me again--he also told me that I better not be with anyone else, or, if I am, I better not care about the person and he also started threatening to hurt the ex if I didn't stop talking to her. So, I stopped being friends with the ex. He and I started "dating" again, but now he has decided he isn't sure that he wants to be with me after all--so now we're just exclusively dating, but not "together."

 

(So, for those of you who think I'm an idiot for staying: he was really good to me in the beginning. He was very attentive and very caring--almost obsessed with me. I suppose I found it flattering, but I also really believed he loved me. He was also my "first," if you catch my drift. So, it's hard for me to deny him, because, well I love him and I've always wanted to be with just one person, you know?)

 

Okay, so with that background out of the way, he said to me last night that the only way he could foresee hurting me was if he reevaluated the situation and decided that he would never want to be with me long term. Well, he's moving in July and had initially mentioned me going with him. However, I was so hurt and offended by what he said that I said to him something to the effect of, "Let me make this easy for you: we will be together until July, but after that, we're done. We have no future together." I also told him this was one thing I would not bend on. Often times I say one thing to him, "We're done--don't contact me any more," and then do something else e.g. start talking to him again, go back, etc. So, I told him, "This is one thing I will keep my word on."

 

He initially got upset, but then he seemed fine.

 

So, I went from thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy to now just exclusively dating for the next seven months.

 

First of all, what the hell is the matter with me? All of my friends tell me this is an abusive relationship, but it really doesn't feel like one most of the time. I mean, he's usually really kind and I'm usually the reason he gets upset. So, I feel like the problem must be with me.

 

I know that I will not be okay with us just seeing each other for seven months--I agreed to marry this guy! But I want to be with him in any capacity possible, and, clearly, this is the only capacity he wants to be with me in. I feel like I'm just taking what I can get.

 

So, yeah, now that I'm writing this out, I feel like this is a terrible idea. He has never been alone--I feel like he is biding his time with me until he moves. And I also feel like I can't have much respect for myself to stay in this situation. But I really do feel like I love this person.

 

Sorry for the length, but what do I do? I feel like I'm losing it--I really need advice.

[sweetkiwi]

You are losing it. You need to stay away from this guy and get counseling.

[Storm_Chaser]

Thanks, sweetkiwi.

 

So, it's not just me: this is a bad situation? I mean, I've only been in one other relationship, but there were no real feelings involved--we were just friends who decided to try to be together. This is the first situation I've been in where I feel like I'm in love with the person, but the friends that I tell this stuff to say that he is abusive.

 

He assures me I'm the only person he's ever been with that he's been this way with. It seems as though the problem is with me...

 

I suppose a therapist would be helpful, but I really can't afford that right now...

[sweetkiwi]

There are free therapists where i am from. Do some research. I too have been in a relationship like this. It is bad and only gets worse. Im sorry but you can't actually believe this is a good relationship!!?!?!???

 

If you do. You better wake up. If you know in your heart that love isn't enough and you need mutual respect, then you're not stupid. You're just dilluded right now. You deserve to experience what a real man is like. What real life is like.

 

Just because you wanted to be with only one person doesn't mean you're a failure If you don't adhere to that strict plan. I was like you too. Don't get scared you won't end up a sex fiend like me. But i loved my first soooooo much. We were eachothers world then he started getting possessive and punching holes in walls. I HAD to leave because that beverages gets better, only worse.

[Storm_Chaser]

Well, SadinTexas, now it doesn't mean anything. After considering everything, I told him that I thought we should rethink this "exclusive dating" thing we were doing. That same night, he went over to his ex's house, supposedly to, "Say goodbye," and so the ex showed him all of her and my correspondence to one another, and he flipped out on me and told me, though he loved me, he didn't want to be with me. (Even though, mind you, I had told him about our correspondence and had even shown him the worst of it.)

 

Of course, later on in our conversation, he said, "I love you and I want to be with you, but I can't be with you." We've decided to go N.C.

 

After all the **** I've put up with for him--he doesn't want to be with me?! Seriously? This is so freaking upsetting...and right before Christmas, no less.

 

After everything I've done for him and with him, I feel used and betrayed beyond belief. I know he'll contact me again--it's just a matter of time. And I'm an idiot who loves him, so I'm not sure how I can avoid going back into this deranged **** hole of a relationship that I've allowed myself to stay in for so long.

 

I'm seriously contemplating suicide. I just don't see the point in any of this any more.

[pteromom]

I am getting a BPD vibe from him with the push/pull thing.

 

But suicide? Over a guy who obviously has no capability to really love you? REALLY? You would throw your own life away because HE is missing out on a great future with you?

 

You can do much much better. There is more to life than this guy.

 

I know it hurts really badly, but trust me - there is a great relationship in your future. Don't settle for less.

[todreaminblue]

This is my first post on loveshack and I registered for one reason: I'm in a relationship--if you can call it that--that has been screwed up from the beginning.

 

Some background: He had just gotten out of a four year relationship. We lived together. We got engaged. His ex came back into the picture. He took back the ring and we got unengaged. I found out he was going over to the ex's and saying horrendous things about me and indicating to her that he wanted to get back with her. I moved out. He drove around the city until he found my car. We started talking again. I found out he was still talking to his ex and lying to both of us about each other. I became friends with the ex. He freaked out, assaulted me and said he wanted to be with me again--he also told me that I better not be with anyone else, or, if I am, I better not care about the person and he also started threatening to hurt the ex if I didn't stop talking to her. So, I stopped being friends with the ex. He and I started "dating" again, but now he has decided he isn't sure that he wants to be with me after all--so now we're just exclusively dating, but not "together."

 

(So, for those of you who think I'm an idiot for staying: he was really good to me in the beginning. He was very attentive and very caring--almost obsessed with me. I suppose I found it flattering, but I also really believed he loved me. He was also my "first," if you catch my drift. So, it's hard for me to deny him, because, well I love him and I've always wanted to be with just one person, you know?)

 

Okay, so with that background out of the way, he said to me last night that the only way he could foresee hurting me was if he reevaluated the situation and decided that he would never want to be with me long term. Well, he's moving in July and had initially mentioned me going with him. However, I was so hurt and offended by what he said that I said to him something to the effect of, "Let me make this easy for you: we will be together until July, but after that, we're done. We have no future together." I also told him this was one thing I would not bend on. Often times I say one thing to him, "We're done--don't contact me any more," and then do something else e.g. start talking to him again, go back, etc. So, I told him, "This is one thing I will keep my word on."

 

He initially got upset, but then he seemed fine.

 

So, I went from thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy to now just exclusively dating for the next seven months.

 

First of all, what the hell is the matter with me? All of my friends tell me this is an abusive relationship, but it really doesn't feel like one most of the time. I mean, he's usually really kind and I'm usually the reason he gets upset. So, I feel like the problem must be with me.

 

I know that I will not be okay with us just seeing each other for seven months--I agreed to marry this guy! But I want to be with him in any capacity possible, and, clearly, this is the only capacity he wants to be with me in. I feel like I'm just taking what I can get.

 

So, yeah, now that I'm writing this out, I feel like this is a terrible idea. He has never been alone--I feel like he is biding his time with me until he moves. And I also feel like I can't have much respect for myself to stay in this situation. But I really do feel like I love this person.

 

Sorry for the length, but what do I do? I feel like I'm losing it--I really need advice.

 

 

Most abusive relationships dont start out with the partner being abusive ....this is the confusing part....i know how you feel, you cant believe he is abusive , it must be you right? something about you that makes him abusive , its your fault , you are not being understanding, thsi kind guy who was attentive and loving turned on you and in actual fact its living in denial.......the guy had issues he just hid them durign the honeymoon period that is what happened to you

 

 

 

I had this photograph of me at a park in sydney down under, an animal park....it was a week after a serious "it must have been my fault episode" the rangers at the park convinced me to get a photo taken...didnt know why they tried so hard with me,begged, harrassed me to get my photo taken with this koala but they did and i gave in......it was a year and a bit into our fifteen year relationship.......the rangers wouldnt even look at my partner or nor did they want him to get a photo with me they wanted just me.......

 

 

i got the pohoto taken....koalas have really coarse fur they arent fluffy you know and they are bloody heavy critters, anyway....i got the photo from them they said make sure you look at it and keep looking at it.....that was what they said to me....i remember even though its close to twenty years ago now(i am no longer with my ex)

 

that photo showed a very young woman with extremely sad eyes, haunted scared ....a face covered in bruises unable to be hidden by makeup even the koala looked sad......the thing is too i knew what was under the jeans i had on and the shirt that covered m e........more bruises....i destroyed that photo(i destroy all photos o fm ei f i can) but that image is with me for life......i remember all my dreams and what i had hoped fo ri remember my forgiving spirit which i still have to this day.....and i now have empathy for you....you need to leave....you can live in denial all you want......it wont help you and years will pass where you just dont know what you have done to deserve what you cop be it verbal or physical you will cop it...

 

 

 

i lasted fifteen years i am a kamikaze.... that physical incident was not a one off, there were others.....he never hit me again though and bruises i got werent from punches or kicks.....and i wont tell you the before koala incident but i do remember it in exact detail even ect wont take that away from me because he was integral to my psyche...unfortunately...when i love someone...it is completely...

 

 

 

.i dont want sympathy for the history i just told you....i wanted to give you a snapshot s photo of a possible life for you to view....

 

 

 

your guy he needs help that you cant give him...you need help to understand it has nothing to do with you....you deserve a loving relationship with a kind and compassioante man that lasts longer than the honeymoon period.....i still get sad eyes you know I dont think it will change..but I will also tak eexperiences that are good and right with me as well....i take my heart...they are all there.

 

 

 

.what i do know is i have so much to offer that special person out there for m e....so do you.....go find him ....heal yoruself....adn keep yoru chin up......abuse verbal abuse does nto often stay just verbal abuse....and thats fact.....hugs to ya.....if you havent held a koala....you should try it.....its rather surprising and definite experience..i have to hug you and i wish you happiness....hugs...deb