He lives with his parents

[MoonSiren]

Here is an update on the situation:

This guy now is enrolled in a masters degree program as of last night. I guess that makes me more comfortable because he is trying to educate himself whilst living with his parents. I lived with my parents until I was 27 so....

[rocketman122]

Here is an update on the situation:

This guy now is enrolled in a masters degree program as of last night. I guess that makes me more comfortable because he is trying to educate himself whilst living with his parents. I lived with my parents until I was 27 so....

 

so whats the point of your thread? youre just a hypocrite.

[Sugarkane]

Among certain ethnic subcultures this is exactly what people do. Black/hispanic/ and some European immigrant groups do this in America. Families may live in one or two houses relatively close by.

 

My fathers and mothers families have lived that way since early colonial times and before.

 

Why is it ok to date someone who lives at home just because they're ethnic? Yet I'm white and when I lived at home I got insulted. Can someone please answer this? People are so quick to judge. I paid for everything I bought when I lived at home. Unlike most people I bought my first car. I feel our generation got majorly screwed over. Casualization of the work force, having to pay off to go to uni, spending tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. If older generations want to insult us, what about making university free like the old days?

[Sugarkane]

People are so quick to judge but it's the baby boomers that never want is to leave for some reason. Why is this? I feel passionate about this subject as people have been completely rude to me in real life.

I told my mum of my desires to move out and she still wants me to stay. My brother is also trying to move. I think she fears being lonely or that we will leave her on her own. She has an SO, but he has young children and it's a complicated situation.

 

It's not that I don't love her or some silly sh*t, but I told her I'm a grown man, I need my space to be independent and be a man, something I haven't been able to completely become living at home. Also, the kind of girls I wish to date don't want to date men who live at home with their mum. She pointed out all the guys we know who are older than I and have women despite living at home - but I'm not like them and I'm probably not trying to date the women they date.

 

It's a dilemma for me, an irritating one. It doesn't matter because I will likely still move once I am financially able to.

[taiko]

Why is it ok to date someone who lives at home just because they're ethnic? Yet I'm white and when I lived at home I got insulted. Can someone please answer this? People are so quick to judge. I paid for everything I bought when I lived at home. Unlike most people I bought my first car. I feel our generation got majorly screwed over. Casualization of the work force, having to pay off to go to uni, spending tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. If older generations want to insult us, what about making university free like the old days?

Because those ethnic groups see their son's as men who are honoring their parents while your's see you as a loser who is mooching off of your parents. Now those outside of the culture will either be multiculturalist as most so-called progressives claim to be or they will enforce the prejudice of their home culture and treat the ethnic group member the same way they treat you. It can be either out of ignorance of the differences in the culture or out of a sense of forcing assimilation.

[Sugarkane]

Because those ethnic groups see their son's as men who are honoring their parents while your's see you as a loser who is mooching off of your parents. Now those outside of the culture will either be multiculturalist as most so-called progressives claim to be or they will enforce the prejudice of their home culture and treat the ethnic group member the same way they treat you. It can be either out of ignorance of the differences in the culture or out of a sense of forcing assimilation.

 

I would've loved to turn this into a thread. It's racist abd a double standard.

[taiko]

I would've loved to turn this into a thread. It's racist abd a double standard.

Racist, no but each culture does have its own standard. You just happen to be in a culture which kicks the kids out as soon as possible, even if it means spending extra years being educated because you have to work to afford a bed instead of taking more classes. And you happen to live in a culture where they make comedies about those that don't leave on that society's approved schedule.

 

On the other hand if the Love Shack South Asians are correct if you do belong to a culture which does honor the son that stays at home the white girl won't go out with you. Thus another "double standard"

[Sugarkane]

Racist, no but each culture does have its own standard. You just happen to be in a culture which kicks the kids out as soon as possible, even if it means spending extra years being educated because you have to work to afford a bed instead of taking more classes. And you happen to live in a culture where they make comedies about those that don't leave on that society's approved schedule.

 

On the other hand if the Love Shack South Asians are correct if you do belong to a culture which does honor the son that stays at home the white girl won't go out with you. Thus another "double standard"

 

So why does that make them the exception. What I mean is white guys/ any guys still think it's ok if you're ethnic. What's the difference? Why shouldn't they get laughed at? I have dated an Asian before and we have a high population of Asians here. Yet I am white and he dumped me.

[Carenth]

So why does that make them the exception. What I mean is white guys/ any guys still think it's ok if you're ethnic. What's the difference? Why shouldn't they get laughed at? I have dated an Asian before and we have a high population of Asians here. Yet I am white and he dumped me.

 

He dumped you for that reason? or something else?

[phineas]

Racist, no but each culture does have its own standard. You just happen to be in a culture which kicks the kids out as soon as possible, even if it means spending extra years being educated because you have to work to afford a bed instead of taking more classes. And you happen to live in a culture where they make comedies about those that don't leave on that society's approved schedule.

 

On the other hand if the Love Shack South Asians are correct if you do belong to a culture which does honor the son that stays at home the white girl won't go out with you. Thus another "double standard"

 

Sicilians/Italians in my family & extended family lived at home until about late 20's. That's shortly after when we usually managed to get our first real job

 

 

So why does that make them the exception. What I mean is white guys/ any guys still think it's ok if you're ethnic. What's the difference? Why shouldn't they get laughed at? I have dated an Asian before and we have a high population of Asians here. Yet I am white and he dumped me.

 

Uh, it's their way of life. Us Italians in our early 20's would throw big parties & stand around in groups smoking cigars, drinking home-made wine & singing along to the Louie , frank, dean ect outside in the summer.

 

Meanwhile everyone else is cranking the Metallica & guns N' Roses. But, do you think we cared? It was a good damn time. Any chick who thought it was lame could pound pavement.

 

He dumped you for that reason? or something else?

 

Going by her open-mindedness in her posts on this subject it most certainly was because she is white.

[Treasa]

Ok, wait...on the 19th he was "contemplating" a master's degree, and then the very next day he was "enrolled" in a program? ROFL. Do you have any idea what it takes to be accepted as a graduate student? I was scrambling for a few days to get references, put together my application, letter of intent, etc. And THEN it took the school a week to get back to me to tell me I had been accepted. And even then you have to wait. The soonest he'd be starting classes would be autumn of 2013. They have a lot of deadlines when it comes to advanced degrees.

 

Race/religion/gender aside, the fact that he's working for his dad, living at home, and paying a small amount for rent just sounds very odd.

 

My gut is telling me that you need to run like hell.

 

ETA: If you don't want to run just yet, ask to see his acceptance letter/email. You've only been dating the guy for three weeks. Do some investigation. And I say all of this because I've dated TWO men who lived at home with their parents into their 30s (and still are), and they both really had issues.

Edited December 21, 2012 by Treasa

[grkBoy]

I agree with Teresa on looking deeper, but it has little to do with his living status as much as it is with his honesty or dishonesty.

 

 

On a macro level with this topic...I think any guy living at home past age 25 should be really looking into making sure it's for the right reasons.

 

If you have an education in a good field, can't find work, and thus have to regroup, then it's a good reason. Keep at it until you land the right job.

 

If you have an education in a field no one is hiring for, then you might want to either look into more education/training, or even look if relocation to a more "in-demand" region will help. Not everyone has the luxury of staying in their hometown with some careers.

 

If you skipped on education, work a crap job, and are "waiting for something to happen" while you constantly claim "I'm trying my hardest!", then you need to rethink your life...rather than claim women are shallow.

 

If you are working a good job, saving money, and simply living at home so you can save for the future, then good for you. Just make sure women you meet know you think long-term. Some women will be attracted to this...as opposed to the guy she discovers has $250,000 in debt.

 

If you were raised more or less to move out when you get married, then that's fine in my book. However, many women won't like it and might even fear overbearing parents down the road if you two were to marry. Be sure to show independence.

 

 

 

You guys also need to hold women to the same standards they hold us to. You have a right. So if you meet a 28 year old receptionist who shops too much, parties too much, lives with the p's, and you can see her goals in life is to find a good earning good looking husband...run.

 

If you see the "stereotypical" party girl who got knocked up into a single mom, lives at home, and hasn't worked a real job in years...run.

 

HOWEVER...if you meet a girl who has the education, drive, and maybe is having trouble getting the right job, don't run for the hills. If she's a good family girl but isn't on a leash from her dad, then she's a keeper as well.

[MoonSiren]

Ok, wait...on the 19th he was "contemplating" a master's degree, and then the very next day he was "enrolled" in a program? ROFL. Do you have any idea what it takes to be accepted as a graduate student? I was scrambling for a few days to get references, put together my application, letter of intent, etc. And THEN it took the school a week to get back to me to tell me I had been accepted. And even then you have to wait. The soonest he'd be starting classes would be autumn of 2013. They have a lot of deadlines when it comes to advanced degrees.

 

Race/religion/gender aside, the fact that he's working for his dad, living at home, and paying a small amount for rent just sounds very odd.

 

My gut is telling me that you need to run like hell.

 

ETA: If you don't want to run just yet, ask to see his acceptance letter/email. You've only been dating the guy for three weeks. Do some investigation. And I say all of this because I've dated TWO men who lived at home with their parents into their 30s (and still are), and they both really had issues.

Yeah I thought that was strange too. He says it is Devry University and he starts classes the first week of January!

[Mrlonelyone]

Why is it ok to date someone who lives at home just because they're ethnic? Yet I'm white and when I lived at home I got insulted. Can someone please answer this? People are so quick to judge. I paid for everything I bought when I lived at home. Unlike most people I bought my first car. I feel our generation got majorly screwed over. Casualization of the work force, having to pay off to go to uni, spending tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. If older generations want to insult us, what about making university free like the old days?

 

That's not what I said at all. All I said was that in certain ethnic subcultures it is expected that a child will live with family until they are married. (Or at least established in a career such that they can afford their own house.) The older children have parents who are older and they help with elder care. The elders may help with the care of very young children for any unmarried or widowed children. Then, when children are married they stay geographically relatively close to the family.

 

All in all it's a very communal and family oriented way of looking at things. For cultural reasons some people won't get on board with that. So be it.

[Treasa]

Yeah I thought that was strange too. He says it is Devry University and he starts classes the first week of January!

 

Yeah, I didn't go to DeVry, but I took a quick glance at their site and you still can't just decide one day to start taking graduate-level courses.

 

Since you've only been dating this guy for three weeks, I assume you aren't exclusive, right? Maybe continue casually dating him until you find out what the real deal is, and maybe date some other guys as well. Guys who have their own places. Just make sure you're upfront about it.

 

Also, if I may ask (if you mentioned it, I missed it) - what does he do for his dad?

[Ruby Slippers]

I told my mum of my desires to move out and she still wants me to stay. My brother is also trying to move. I think she fears being lonely or that we will leave her on her own. She has an SO, but he has young children and it's a complicated situation.

 

It's not that I don't love her or some silly sh*t, but I told her I'm a grown man, I need my space to be independent and be a man, something I haven't been able to completely become living at home. Also, the kind of girls I wish to date don't want to date men who live at home with their mum. She pointed out all the guys we know who are older than I and have women despite living at home - but I'm not like them and I'm probably not trying to date the women they date.

 

It's a dilemma for me, an irritating one. It doesn't matter because I will likely still move once I am financially able to.

You are an adult, and it's healthy and natural to leave "the nest" and be independent.

 

Of course you love her. And I'm sure you'll always be a good son. But you can be an even better son with the independence to strive for and hopefully reach your full potential. We can only give from our own surplus. You have to take care of yourself before you can help anybody else.

 

Your mom is scared and is trying to manipulate you into staying to ease her fears. But she's a grown woman. You can reassure her and be kind, and still make your own adult decisions.

[Sugarkane]

He dumped you for that reason? or something else?

 

No because of other reasons.

[Sugarkane]

What do you mean I got dumped because I'm white. I got dumped because I'm open minded? Anthers a bad thing?

Well I'm glad then I'm not with someone who dumps people just because of their race. Good riddance to that guy.

 

Going by her open-mindedness in her posts on this subject it most certainly was because she is white.

[phineas]

What do you mean I got dumped because I'm white. I got dumped because I'm open minded? Anthers a bad thing?

Well I'm glad then I'm not with someone who dumps people just because of their race. Good riddance to that guy.

 

WOW.

just wow.

[Ruby Slippers]

You just happen to be in a culture which kicks the kids out as soon as possible, even if it means spending extra years being educated because you have to work to afford a bed instead of taking more classes.

I'm an American who moved out because I wanted to at 17. Nobody pushed me out. I just knew I'd have better experiences and opportunities out of my parents' house, on my own terms. And hell yeah, I worked my butt off to put myself through school and take care of myself in all the ways an independent adult must. I think those tough lessons made me into a resilient, self-reliant, strong person.

 

On the other hand if the Love Shack South Asians are correct if you do belong to a culture which does honor the son that stays at home the white girl won't go out with you. Thus another "double standard"

Independence is valued highly in the US - always has been, since we instated the... Declaration of Independence.

[yongyong]

You are AMERICAN. you are expected to move out when you become an adult. This is your Culture in General. If you don't like that, move to other countries with your family. They won't judge you if you live with your parents till getting married.

 

Sometimes, I say 'in our culture we do this and that'

and Americans look at me like 'hey go back to your country then'

 

You can keep complaining but you are going to be JUDGED anyways.

 

You have 3 options.

1. leave the country.

2. follow the common rule

3. you don't have to follow but don't complain when judged.

 

 

 

 

 

Why is it ok to date someone who lives at home just because they're ethnic? Yet I'm white and when I lived at home I got insulted. Can someone please answer this? People are so quick to judge. I paid for everything I bought when I lived at home. Unlike most people I bought my first car. I feel our generation got majorly screwed over. Casualization of the work force, having to pay off to go to uni, spending tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. If older generations want to insult us, what about making university free like the old days?

[mortensorchid]

I used to say I was ok with a man living at home with parents. Ten years ago I was going out with a guy who years older than me who was still living at home with his mom. He said it was due to finances. Over time, I began to realize this was not the true issue. The true issue was that he didn't want to leave home. His goal was that someday he would buy a house, and he did. On the east coast where he lives today in the middle of nowhere. With his mom. Obviously the plan did not include me.

 

Your situation does not sound like mine, but you have to ask yourself why it is that he continues to live with his parents. Is it really the financial/educational reason or is it something else? You must stop lying to yourself if it's something else other than financial/educational reasons.

[yongyong]

That's just how it is. Men and Women are not equal.

 

there is a positive side for guys though.

 

You can brag about banging some chick. Women will like you even more if you are holding 2 women on each arm.

 

If we flip the situation to women, you know how she will be looked at

 

A lot of women expect men to be the breadwinners. And if they are not at least be better off than them financially. It sucks cause a lot of women are never looked down at or they complain about being looked down by situations they control. But whenever a man-no matter how decent-lives with his parents in his mid-20s or early 30s they are considered losers and debates must happen.

[TheZebra]

Was talking to my ex on the phone and he told me that he still lives with his mom. The reason? She's so attached to him that he thinks that if he leaves she'll completely freak out. Apparently she already freaks out whenever the subject comes up.

 

After hearing that I felt pretty happy that we broke up. I did NOT want to deal with his overbearing mother anymore... yeesh. I dunno when he'll move out; he's already in his late 20's.

 

The problem is that no girl would ever know the true reason for him not moving out until she got to know his family. Right now he can blame paying off his student loans, but he can't use that excuse forever.

 

But if OP dates the guy long enough, she'll know what the true reasons are.

[Mrlonelyone]

I get the sense that some people feel they are more in competition with the parents. I mean, say the parents move in with the kid after the kid kept their house but the parents were foreclosed on. In short the parents were living in the adult child's house.

 

Is it really all about wanting a independent man or is it about not wanting to compete with his parents for his attentions?