He lives with his parents

[Ruby Slippers]

Is it really all about wanting a independent man or is it about not wanting to compete with his parents for his attentions?

There's a bible passage that says something like: A man will leave his mother and father and be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh.

 

I'm not a Christian, but I think this is basically the fundamental principle at work in the US - the man leaves the nest, then builds his own nest with his wife and they create a family (one flesh = kids) of their own.

 

There are pros and cons to both the collectivist/tight-knit family approach and the freedom-of-the-individual approach.

 

Personally, since I moved out at 17, have been taking care of myself since then, bootstrapped a successful business, and am well on my way to living out The American Dream, I have a lot more in common with a guy who's on a similar path. I had a relationship with a guy who moved out later and was much closer to his family, and it was a lot of drama dealing with them. They kept bogging him down with their problems and guilt trips, and they just didn't have lives of their own outside the family. He was also just very sheltered, and I felt like my "grown-up" skills went way beyond his.

 

I just find it hard to relate to a guy who hasn't gotten on his own two feet yet, since I got on my long ago.

[Treasa]

Like I mentioned earlier, I've had TWO exes who still lived at home with their parents. Both are genuine narcissists. Neither does any housework, neither really contribute toward bills, and both spend all their free time sitting on their asses playing video games.

 

Never again. Never, ever again.

[edgygirl]

I never met a man who lived with his parents after his 30s who didn't have emotional issues.

 

Granted, in certain Latin countries it's normal for them to only get out of the nest when they get married. Not that there's any incentive to do it, as they get mommy to wash/dry their clothes, cook for them, clean, and still they bring girls home at night with the parents approval, lol. I prefer it American/European style where people are forced to grow up.

[c57dood]

I know Americans value independence, but there's really no such thing as true independence. No one lives in a vacuum, and we all depend on others whether they be family, friends, or even strangers regardless of our living situation.

 

If you have a job, you depend on your company paying you so you can pay your bills. If you own a business, you depend on people buying your product or service. If you live on welfare and/or food stamps, you depend on government to give you these things.

 

Let's not get started with depending on loans from banks.

 

Can America begin to see how we're all interconnected in a certain way and how this whole notion of independence is a myth?

 

Personally, I'm sick of Americans constantly tooting their own horn and act like they've achieved everything by themselves with no help because it's simply not true. Is it any wonder why we've become socially isolated and narcissistic?

[Ruby Slippers]

Can America begin to see how we're all interconnected in a certain way and how this whole notion of independence is a myth?

 

Personally, I'm sick of Americans constantly tooting their own horn and act like they've achieved everything by themselves with no help because it's simply not true. Is it any wonder why we've become socially isolated and narcissistic?

Certainly, I agree.

 

But I don't think moving out around age 18 (or younger than people from other places) automatically equals social isolation and narcissism.

 

I think all the people of the world have a lot to learn from one another, and different ways have their pros and cons.

[c57dood]

Certainly, I agree.

 

But I don't think moving out around age 18 (or younger than people from other places) automatically equals social isolation and narcissism.

 

I think all the people of the world have a lot to learn from one another, and different ways have their pros and cons.

 

No, of course it does not. However, constantly boasting and bragging about it and acting like they did it all by themselves is the problem.

 

The type that goes "I did it all myself! Nobody helped me. I got to where I am today all on my own. I don't need a man/woman/help etc." Do we really need more braggarts in this world?

 

People who always feel the need to tell you that they own x amount of cars, x amount of houses and have x amounts of money in the bank? Like somehow that makes them a better person than you, and they must let you know.

 

When I speak of narcissistic tendencies, I believe much of it is rooted in this independence myth, and also another reason why many relationships do not last today. If the man is primarily concerned with his desires (as dictated by our "me first" culture), and the woman is also primarily concerned with her desires, this is a recipe for disaster!

 

Look at how so many people of both sexes have numerous pictures of themselves online? How many people of both sexes need to to show off what they eat for lunch, or how many friends they have or what exotic locations they've visited? It's all a symptom of the independence myth and "me first" culture, and this is what leads to social isolation and narcissism because we're actively encouraged to be selfish!

[Els]

I can see two sides to the story here. The first is the traditional Asian mindset, where the finances of the entire family are seen as a whole. That is why it is mind-boggling to some, that a child would move out and pay (usually substantial rent) while there is a spare room at home that nobody is living in. Seems that it would save money on the whole to have that room filled by the child until he/she gets married and needs a house for his/her own family.

 

The second is the modern, Caucasian mindset, that living by yourself as a young adult teaches you the skills and mindset that you will need for independent adult life in the future. Despite being Asian, this is the point of view that I generally support in this aspect. I learnt way, way more about taking care of myself, and the world in general, during 4 years of living by myself in college, than during the previous 18 years of living at home. What I learnt was worth the money 'wasted', and then some.

 

That being said, I also don't judge people prematurely for living with their parents. This is especially so if their parents are very old or ill and need to be taken care of. They do need to demonstrate that they are capable of taking care of themselves if needed, though. I do know some boys, up to 30 years of age, who are living with their parents, having curfews (at 30!!!!! ), not really knowing the basics of how to survive on their own. I wouldn't wish a relationship with them on my worst enemy, even if they can be really sweet.