The Purpose of Kids...or am I "kidding myself"

[Tony T]

I really don't want to become a social outcast for this question but it's one that has remain unanswered for me for many years.

 

I read on this forum about many men who stop dating ladies because the ladies aren't ready to have children. These men have a burning desire to reproduce, to have offspring to pass on their genes, to have kids to play with, etc. They want a wonderful family with a home, a picket fence and a doggy. I think that's great and wonderful.

 

The problem is with ME.

 

I have never once, for even a second, had the desire to have children. I love other people's and, frankly, I think some of them love me more than their parents. I love to play with them, make them laugh, watch them do their stunts, etc. but I have no innate desire to have children of my own.

 

Why do people have children? Why do so many people who are still children themselves have children?

 

In my old age, will I regret not having had children...will I regret having passed up the opportunity for that.

 

So many parents have told me they love their children but if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't. Is the desire to have children a biological trick played on (most of) us?

 

Aren't there enough kids already? I mean our world population is exploding? I hate crowds. Is there a reason I should want to be fruitful and multiply and replinish the earth with more creatures to suck up resources, run down the water supply, pollute, crowd our highways, struggle with life's problems, etc.?

 

Is there something wrong with me that I have no great desire to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a new born...I have no need to pass on my genes? I don't even know why it would be important to pass on my genes. When I'm dead, will I care or will the universe care that my genes were passed on anyway? I feel like I have missed an important point somewhere...I just can't put my finger on it. PLEASE HELP!!!

 

Is there something wrong that maybe I don't want to go through all the pain and heartache that a lot of parents go through in raising their kids, getting them out of trouble, worrying if they are going to get shot at school, worrying if they will join a gang, get pregnant as teens, etc. etc. etc.

 

I am absolutely convinced that children can be a great joy and source of fulfillment if they come out right. I also know that early on, they can be a joy no matter what. Why can't I get my insides to realize this to the point of wanting to have kids?

 

My feelings are totally flat. I have sat for hours and hours and hours trying to force myself to want kids and I just can't do it.

 

Keep in mind, I love kids, I think they are great...I was a great kid myself. I just can drive myself to want my own.

 

Anybody have some ideas on what might be going on here?

[Deejette]

We are merely genetic vessels being propelled by our genes to reproduce the species, like every other form of life. But humans attach moral and other significance to reproduction.

 

We feel a little funny confessing that they don't want kids, especially in this child-worshipping society. But I agree, the world has enough children that are not being taken care of. It is often just the ego boost of creating a miniature "us" and perpetuating the family name.

 

But there are some people who genuinely want kids and want to go through the whole miraculous process of childbirth and nurturing another human to his/her fullest potential.

 

The problem comes in when clueless people have kids like so many litters of puppies, without taking responsibility for really being parents to the kids.

I really don't want to become a social outcast for this question but it's one that has remain unanswered for me for many years. I read on this forum about many men who stop dating ladies because the ladies aren't ready to have children. These men have a burning desire to reproduce, to have offspring to pass on their genes, to have kids to play with, etc. They want a wonderful family with a home, a picket fence and a doggy. I think that's great and wonderful.

 

The problem is with ME. I have never once, for even a second, had the desire to have children. I love other people's and, frankly, I think some of them love me more than their parents. I love to play with them, make them laugh, watch them do their stunts, etc. but I have no innate desire to have children of my own. Why do people have children? Why do so many people who are still children themselves have children? In my old age, will I regret not having had children...will I regret having passed up the opportunity for that. So many parents have told me they love their children but if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't. Is the desire to have children a biological trick played on (most of) us? Aren't there enough kids already? I mean our world population is exploding? I hate crowds. Is there a reason I should want to be fruitful and multiply and replinish the earth with more creatures to suck up resources, run down the water supply, pollute, crowd our highways, struggle with life's problems, etc.? Is there something wrong with me that I have no great desire to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a new born...I have no need to pass on my genes? I don't even know why it would be important to pass on my genes. When I'm dead, will I care or will the universe care that my genes were passed on anyway? I feel like I have missed an important point somewhere...I just can't put my finger on it. PLEASE HELP!!! Is there something wrong that maybe I don't want to go through all the pain and heartache that a lot of parents go through in raising their kids, getting them out of trouble, worrying if they are going to get shot at school, worrying if they will join a gang, get pregnant as teens, etc. etc. etc. I am absolutely convinced that children can be a great joy and source of fulfillment if they come out right. I also know that early on, they can be a joy no matter what. Why can't I get my insides to realize this to the point of wanting to have kids? My feelings are totally flat. I have sat for hours and hours and hours trying to force myself to want kids and I just can't do it. Keep in mind, I love kids, I think they are great...I was a great kid myself. I just can drive myself to want my own. Anybody have some ideas on what might be going on here?

[Patty]

Hi Tony.I was just reading your post.I think if you love kids,it would be great to have children.If you dont want children,thats fine too.But if your great with children,I think its probably good to have one.I'd say go for it.But I know....in my opinion I wouldnt want to live life with out having kids.But I think if you did have one look at it this way ,you could give your mother a grandchild,etc.But do what you feel is best.If you dont have the desire for children,and wait to long you might end up suddenly getting the desire for children.

 

Patti

[Taressa]

Hi Tony,

 

First, of course there is nothing wrong with your not wanting to have children. I wish more people had the maturity to think the issue through before they bring unwanted kids into the world.

 

But as to the why's, I'll toss out some ideas with the reminder that I'm writing from the single, never-had-'em angle:

 

My friend Rob wants kids because he misses being part of a family.

 

My cousin Susan is pregnant with her eighth now. Their church encourages the theory that God will close the womb when he's ready for them to stop having kids. To prevent negative comments here, let me say her kids are the most loved, well cared for, best behaved kids I've ever been around.

 

I had one friend who had children in a rather military way... the world she knew was bad so she had babies and raised them to stand up for the good.

 

My sister wants kids because it is what her friends have done. I hope she has them for the joy and happiness she and my brother-in-law have to share.

 

A woman I worked with decided to have children so that there would be someone to care for she and her husband when they were old.

 

A woman I worked with had two kids, a boy and a girl, then she and her husband decided to stop since they had "replenished" themselves.

 

Myself, I'm torn between the wanting and not wanting. I'm selfish enough to see the demands they place on your time and your life. There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see.

 

I'm also concerned at the lackluster marriages I see among my friends with children. One friend is so drained from caring for her baby that she and her husband are having a pretty rocky marriage.

 

BUT... I'm beginning to realize that the love of a family is the most wonderful thing in life; and I too wonder if my life would be compromised not to have children. I wonder if having children is the thing that helps us stay young at heart. And now, with a new love in the picture, I'm having a desire to create something that is part of us... a life created from billy and taressa, conceived and raised in love...

 

What I believe at heart is that this, as with everything, is in God's hands. If he wants us to have children he will place that desire in our heart in his timing.

 

And I'll close with a question that may be too personal so please forgive if necessary... does your wife want children, Tony?

[Rachel]

Why do people have children?

 

It is just the natural, 'normal' thing to do for many. To continue the family tradition, to pass on their legacies to the next generation, for their own security to be looked after when you get old. For many women it is more of a primordal need to have a baby and take care of a child.

 

Why do so many people who are still children themselves have children?

 

There is no logic to this, do you mean unwanted teenage pregancies? or just really young people having children because they want them?

 

In Eastern Europe people have children at a much earlier age than they do in North America even if their financial situatoin is not very stable, the people tend to mature faster in those countries.

In my old age, will I regret not having had children...will I regret having passed up the opportunity for that.

 

You can still have them. You have no biological clock ticking like us women...Just look at Anthony Quinn.

So many parents have told me they love their children but if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't. Is the desire to have children a biological trick played on (most of) us?

 

I think so. Apparently I heard that at around the time a women is ovulating, she feel most desirable and feels the need to have sex the most.

Aren't there enough kids already?

 

Of course, but that doesn't stop people's individual, sometimes selfish wishes to have their OWN kids. There is no logic to having children.

Is there something wrong with me that I have no great desire to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a new born...I have no need to pass on my genes?

 

Not everybody is meant to have kids. Maybe you already had enough of them in a past life and are taking a sabbatical this time.

[Tony T]

And I'll close with a question that may be too personal so please forgive if necessary... does your wife want children, Tony?

 

She feels no great urgency to have kids and mostly enjoys her two young nephews in their growing up process. She is an unusually happy and contented person and would be that way no matter the circumstances. I lucked out.

 

I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond and I will write a complete thank you and response later. Your post and those of everyone have been very helpful to me.

 

I only wish I was more normal...that my life was more average than it is...that I did more of the things and thought more of the thoughts that normal people do.

 

I know, what the hell is normal???

[Heather]

Hi Tony, I just read your post and you have a lot of good points in there. Alot of them pertain to me! Such as teen pregnancy (I was 16 when I had my daughter, and I am 18 now with another one on the way), and having children all together.

 

If I could go back and do things over again the only thing that I would change is the fact I was so young. My daughter is the best thing that could ever happen to me!

 

Also on the point of there already being enough children out there that is true and it is sad that very many of them are not being taken care of. But you say that you don't want to go through the pain and hearache that parents go through well I think that the good times out way the bad! If you teach your children right from wrong early and talk with them about drugs, gangs, etc. they won't usually turn out that way! Now I know that some parents are perfectly good parents and thier kids turn out bad, but that is not always the case.

 

Personally I think the best feeling in the world is having someone that looks up to you and loves you in the best way possible! I don't think that there is anything wrong with you at all! There are alot of people out there that don't have kids and don't want to have kids maybe you'll change your mind maybe not!

I really don't want to become a social outcast for this question but it's one that has remain unanswered for me for many years. I read on this forum about many men who stop dating ladies because the ladies aren't ready to have children. These men have a burning desire to reproduce, to have offspring to pass on their genes, to have kids to play with, etc. They want a wonderful family with a home, a picket fence and a doggy. I think that's great and wonderful.

 

The problem is with ME. I have never once, for even a second, had the desire to have children. I love other people's and, frankly, I think some of them love me more than their parents. I love to play with them, make them laugh, watch them do their stunts, etc. but I have no innate desire to have children of my own. Why do people have children? Why do so many people who are still children themselves have children? In my old age, will I regret not having had children...will I regret having passed up the opportunity for that. So many parents have told me they love their children but if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't. Is the desire to have children a biological trick played on (most of) us? Aren't there enough kids already? I mean our world population is exploding? I hate crowds. Is there a reason I should want to be fruitful and multiply and replinish the earth with more creatures to suck up resources, run down the water supply, pollute, crowd our highways, struggle with life's problems, etc.? Is there something wrong with me that I have no great desire to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a new born...I have no need to pass on my genes? I don't even know why it would be important to pass on my genes. When I'm dead, will I care or will the universe care that my genes were passed on anyway? I feel like I have missed an important point somewhere...I just can't put my finger on it. PLEASE HELP!!! Is there something wrong that maybe I don't want to go through all the pain and heartache that a lot of parents go through in raising their kids, getting them out of trouble, worrying if they are going to get shot at school, worrying if they will join a gang, get pregnant as teens, etc. etc. etc. I am absolutely convinced that children can be a great joy and source of fulfillment if they come out right. I also know that early on, they can be a joy no matter what. Why can't I get my insides to realize this to the point of wanting to have kids? My feelings are totally flat. I have sat for hours and hours and hours trying to force myself to want kids and I just can't do it. Keep in mind, I love kids, I think they are great...I was a great kid myself. I just can drive myself to want my own. Anybody have some ideas on what might be going on here?

[Taressa]

Funny, Tony,

 

I was raised in a suburb off St. Louis, the middle of three kids, taken to church 2x per week, played with the family at the park 1x per week, had Saturday breakfast with Grandpa and Grandma 1x per week.... I've always felt the need to be a little more UN-normal.

 

What the hell is normal? Maybe too much normal is hell?

 

Ah, I thought that would sound clever, instead it sounds very ungrateful. It really has been a good life; I just wish for more of the extraordinary.

[Heather]

I used to think when I was pregnant with my 2yr old, that how could I bring new life into this horrible world that we call home!

 

Someone very wise and close to me (my mother) pointed out that having a child is truly a blessing and the children are the FUTURE and they can be the ones to change this world for the better! I know that it could work the other way too, but I will teach my children to love and care for one another and all the other people out there that need it. Maybe just maybe one of my kids could be the next president of the USA and change all the bad that is here.

 

Our children can make a difference if we teach them to.

 

Sorry again that this does not answer the why's in your post but, I just thought it was a good point to get across.

 

P.S. My mother still feels strongly about this that I am the future because like I said I am still a child myself (18) Who knows?

[artlover]

Just a thought- could be way off base here...For some people, having children of their own feels like the probable end of their own youth. One can't be their parent's "child" anymore once they have their own children. I think many people in our society, especially these days, enjoy a prolonged adolescence. More choices, greater economic freedom for men and women, etc. etc. all contribute to this. You're married so obviously you're not running scared from any and all personal responsibility. But the "work" of raising a child translates into joy for many.

 

My mom worked very hard and sacrificed most of her youth to raise me. She's suffered all kinds of financial hardships and lost some of her persoanl dreams along the way, but because she knows herself to be actually quite selfish at heart, she is grateful for the chance she had to come out of herself and give. My mom is a loner who generally finds people distasteful, but because she had a child, she was FORCED to live in a different way for my sake and she grew tremendously as a result. I now act as a social emissary of sorts for my mom and she greatly appreciates this. If she hadn't had me, the landscape of her life would be quite different and probably not for the better.

 

Bottom line - If you don't want to have kids Tony, don't have them. But if you think there might be fear there. Fear of growing up. Fear of getting old. Fear of screwing up, perhaps you're atually doing yourself a disservice. Sometimes those of us who offer the most and the best advice and provide the greatest amount of service for the world do so to avoid our own issues. Sometimes. I'm including myself in here... Good luck.

Hi Tony, I just read your post and you have a lot of good points in there. Alot of them pertain to me! Such as teen pregnancy (I was 16 when I had my daughter, and I am 18 now with another one on the way), and having children all together.

 

If I could go back and do things over again the only thing that I would change is the fact I was so young. My daughter is the best thing that could ever happen to me! Also on the point of there already being enough children out there that is true and it is sad that very many of them are not being taken care of. But you say that you don't want to go through the pain and hearache that parents go through well I think that the good times out way the bad! If you teach your children right from wrong early and talk with them about drugs, gangs, etc. they won't usually turn out that way! Now I know that some parents are perfectly good parents and thier kids turn out bad, but that is not always the case. Personally I think the best feeling in the world is having someone that looks up to you and loves you in the best way possible! I don't think that there is anything wrong with you at all! There are alot of people out there that don't have kids and don't want to have kids maybe you'll change your mind maybe not!

[Tony T]

The greatest of thanks and appreciation to all who took the time to comment on my indecisiveness where kids are concerned. The insights offered were actually more than I had expected and some truly rang some bells in my head.

 

I'm not so sure I'm ready to run out and buy baby clothes yet, but I certainly have a lot to consider. If it ends up I just wasn't meant to have children, at least I had the best information available to help me make a decision.

 

Many kind thanks again for taking the time to reply.