?? wife walked out

[ashamedhusband2012]

me and my wife 30-28 have been married for 9 years next month no kids, no property

i havent been the best husband over the course of that time in ways that make me feel ashamed, i was never in touch with my feelings i coudnt express myself to her, in my mind i couldnt accept anything was wrong when a situation arose that made her angry, and i would close the door on her feelings, making her feel she was wrong for feeling the way she felt at times,,, we suffered strong communication issues,but like all marriages we had our ups and downs we did take trips together every year and for the most part we seemed like a happy couple we kissed and said i love you everyday eventhough lately our sex life had slowed down,

 

on my bday in Oct she cooked me a nice meal and we had all my friends over it was a very special night for me that made me realize what i have/had,,, next day i told her i would make a change for the better, wich im very proud to say i did, i started making us breakfast every weekend , doing more chores around the house, taking it upon myself to take over some of here duties like feeding the dog, if i went out with friends i would come back home early, i quit smoking, i decided to spend more time with her, we carved a pumpking for halloween, ate oysters, went to the movies and hung out during the weekends

 

november went by quite smooth and i can say that she felt happy, based on reading texts and her expressions towards me and she even bought a new piece of furniture for our apt

 

december was going well on the 10th she asked me for my dl # to add me to car insurance so i can drive the car too on the

 

11th she went to meet up with one of her friends wich was fine i worked the evening of that day

 

12th she texts me to tell me she will see another friend that night , i replied "damn when will you make time for us? im staying here at home by myself again"

she: "im sorry you feel that way" me:"should i be happy?" she:" id ont know how do you feel?" me:"well im upset" she:" im sorry you are upset" me:"well your are you telling me everything last minute, why? like yesterday too, why not make time for us?"

she:"well beacuse i need space i think, timing is not right ill call you later" me:"ok i love you what time r u calling me back? i love you"

 

she didnt txt i love you back,,, i went back home and immediantely bought flowers for her and waited for her to get home after she met up with her friend that night,,, when she cameback she said that she didnt love me anymore, tought we were going diff ways, didnt want the same things, couldnt see us having kids and that it was OVER, this came OUT OF THE BLUE for me since i had been trying so hard for her lately,,, my world was crushed,, she said she needed 1 night apart and went back to her friends house that night, i got the friends info in case of anything, told her i wanted to fight to save our marriage we cried but she didnt stay

 

13th trough text me telling her i love her, etc

she says she understands but she needs this and we would talk later,, she came home that night the same thing that it was over and that she felt this way for a while... we kissed and hugged but i couldnt stop crying she left again to a frineds house

 

14th i told her i need to tell her how i feel i wrote it all down on this paper for her to come home it was important to me that she knows my emotions, she came gabbed the letter told me she would read it later, for me to give her the weekend i made her sit down and read it then she left again,, i txt after saying a bit more she txt ok, thank you

 

15th no contact

 

16th over txt i told her i saw a therapist offered me the # to hers

she said she would call later, when she did i told her she doesnt want to admit there is still hope i want to prove to her i can make her happy, etc.. she says sorry she knows all of this but she is not there anymore that she had made a desicion she sorry it comes to this but its whats right for her that she feels better being alone

 

17th this time im on the offensive not crying and strong i tell her she needs to come by so we can speak so i can tell her with words face to face how i feel, she says she will be here 7pm before she gets here, she calls angry and to say she isnt coming for us to meet in a neutral place, she doesnt want me touching her and that her desicion is final,, i told her i accepted her desicion for her to come , i wouldnt touch her

she did and we talked i told her all of my efforts and my changes made her see that its a sincere change not a bull**** one, she awknoleges that says its unfortunate and that the wants me out by the end of january since the lease is in her name,, i tell her i cant since my finances arent good and i have a right to the apt as well since we are married and the earliest i could go would be april i also lost my job bcz the company closed, that im not a piece of paper she can just throw in the garbage,, she gets really angry and runs for the door i tell her more things, she breaks down crying tells me she really feels unapriciated through this whole time and her emotions come out

then she leaves with a bigger suitcase of clothes

 

18th i text and tell her how i finally get all she feels by describing situations its very sincere

 

19th i txt her to call me back, she replies "thank you for your words it helps me heal to know that you finally saw me, i wont call at lunch give me a few days please ( wich i will do i wont call or txt any more), i txt back saying that im a ashamed by the fool ive been, etc end of our conversation up until now

 

 

 

she hasnt taken off her wedding ring, she hasnt said divorce, we still talk, and she asked for a few days,,, im a dumb for still holding hope? im past the part of crying now i can sleep as well now, mostly its my fault the relationship is ****ed like this,, any hope left???? i still love her and i cant understand why she just left like this, after 8 years!!! x-mass is in a few days our 9th year wedding aniversary in less than a month!!!!!! i told her we could of talked planned an exit, etc,, things shouldnt be done this way selfishly and immature, but i have been immature in the past,,, a person doesnt stay this long with someone they dont love during oct, nov and dec she seemed genuily happy i really doubt she met someone else being that she is so ****ed up emotionally,,, what bother me the most though is the fact that i was trying so hard.... what should i do??????????????

 

 

:sick:

[2sunny]

She's cheating. Where's she been staying?

 

Get a job.

[ashamedhusband2012]

Update and info i have a new job,, as for another man being involved im not saying its impossible, but i sort of doubt it, if i confront her on it i will lose her??

[stillafool]

Look closer OP, there is another man hiding somewhere.

[KraftDinner]

I hate to say this and honestly I usually try to avoid jumping to this conclusion, but it's almost 99% likely there is someone else.

 

A few months can't rebuild what took years to tear down, btw.

[Leaf9]

I hate to say this and honestly I usually try to avoid jumping to this conclusion, but it's almost 99% likely there is someone else.

 

A few months can't rebuild what took years to tear down, btw.

 

I think Kraft is right on both accounts. Your marriage certainly won't be fixed in two or three months.

 

It is likely that she is seeing someone else. My reason for thinking that is based on her quick departure. Try driving by the "friends" house and seeing if her car is there - or even make an excuse to drop by (she forgot her toothbrush maybe). My thought is that, with no one else in the picture, she would be taking this a lot slower than just running out of the apartment. And the "I don't want you to touch me" thing is weird - I mean sure, I doubt she wants to jump in bed with someone she is planning to leave, but a hug or kiss from someone you have been with for ten years isn't something she should be that worried about.

 

I hate to say it, but it looks like you need to do some serious snooping to get to the bottom of this. If she is seeing someone else, then I say you should cut your losses and get out. If not, ask her to go counseling to give you one more chance. You have invested ten years into her. She owes you that much.

[White Wedding]

You said that December was going well, but when you texted her you asked her when she was going to make time for you. From what you were saying it sounds like you were already unhappy with the amount of time you were spending together.

 

I don't think there was someone else. I think that she'd probably been having doubts for awhile and she mentioned them to the friend that night and they probably said something that encouraged her to leave you.

 

You should give her the space she's asking for. She knows you want to work things out. I know it really hurts.

[ashamedhusband2012]

12/28/12 UPDATE

 

i found out that there isnt anyone else,, (thank god)

my wife is really damaged from all the **** ive put her trough all these years

she came for xmas ans we cooked a meal watched a movie, next night she came over again we had hot chocolate and watched another movie, i expressed my feelings again towards her in a sincere way, she was ok with letting me touch her and apologized for hurting me, she is still being tough on her desicion on wanting to separate, lately we have been talking and texting no problem, i told her i cant change the past i accept my mistakes and can only make the future better,, she feels humiliated and wants to feel proud,,, now im trying to do everything i can to show her a change,, going to the gym, stopped smoking, drinking, i told her i respect her desicion and that i understand she doesnt want to hear me say i love you everytime i see her or hug her, etc, i somewhat convinced her to move back in , and we can sleep in diff rooms,,,

 

also just so you guys know, i feel better than ever, motivated, optimistic, im no longer feeling in the dumps and my outlook on life changed in a very positive way, this made my love for her grow, i value and appreciate her more than ever,,,,,, i love her more now than i ever did !!

 

what should i do next???

:(

Edited December 29, 2012 by ashamedhusband2012
missed sentence

[TaraMaiden]

What does she want to do?

I've said this before, and I'll say it again...

 

Women make and make and make and make an effort until they're all tired out -

 

she came home that night the same thing that it was over and that she felt this way for a while...

and they give up.

 

 

men make less and less and less and less effort -

 

i havent been the best husband over the course of that time in ways that make me feel ashamed, i was never in touch with my feelings i coudnt express myself to her, in my mind i couldnt accept anything was wrong when a situation arose that made her angry, and i would close the door on her feelings, making her feel she was wrong for feeling the way she felt at times

.....until they realise it's slipping away - but by then, it's too late.

 

I don't know why, and it's not a gender-bash - but it seems to be an ongoing and steady trait.

 

You may have to face the fact that - even by your own admission, in your very first post, as I have quoted - this may have run it's course....

[ashamedhusband2012]

wouldnt there still be a chance, i told her i would fight till the end, i know i cant make her love me, but i can give up the hope i have left...

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to be blunt but no.

The fight is over for her.

Everything you do now to 'prove the improvements' will just fall on deaf ears and irritate the crap out of her.

 

"If you can do all this now - why the hell didn't you do it before when it would have mattered?"

 

She's only going to believe that you're doing this to get her back - and that the change won't last.

She believes that if she capitulates, gives in and comes back - after a while you will revert to type, standard and fail.

Again.

She's not prepared to take that gamble, no matter how good and sound your intentions are.

She won't come back - because honestly, she no longer wants to.

[ashamedhusband2012]

I hate to be blunt but no.

The fight is over for her.

Everything you do now to 'prove the improvements' will just fall on deaf ears and irritate the crap out of her.

 

"If you can do all this now - why the hell didn't you do it before when it would have mattered?"

 

She's only going to believe that you're doing this to get her back - and that the change won't last.

She believes that if she capitulates, gives in and comes back - after a while you will revert to type, standard and fail.

Again.

She's not prepared to take that gamble, no matter how good and sound your intentions are.

She won't come back - because honestly, she no longer wants to.

 

i know and understand that perfectly, thats the way she feels now i cant change that today or in a month

 

,,but i know my wife and i know the ways to her heart the changes im doing are for myself, and it never is too late, giving up is something else, i told her i wont give up, the old me would of just said "**** it" and rolled over, but the new me refuses to lose in any situation, her mom is behind me and told me to fight for her, she hopes she will turn around, in the meantime im here for her for whatever she needs, i also know that she isnt the only girl in the world, i could get better but its not about that for me, right now i need to take care of myself and not focus on ther girls

 

some positive advice would be nice

[TaraMaiden]

Positive advice?

 

What you mean is, you want someone to tell you she will come back?

 

Okay.

She might come back.

 

Does that make it better?

Does that change her mind?

Does that make it true?

 

No.

 

But good luck, and I hope your efforts pay off for you, regardless of whether she comes back or not.

 

The fact that you're already thinking that there are other better girls, makes me think you're moving on quite well with that.

[ashamedhusband2012]

Positive advice?

 

What you mean is, you want someone to tell you she will come back?

 

Okay.

She might come back.

 

Does that make it better?

Does that change her mind?

Does that make it true?

 

No.

 

But good luck, and I hope your efforts pay off for you, regardless of whether she comes back or not.

 

The fact that you're already thinking that there are other better girls, makes me think you're moving on quite well with that.

 

no

sorry if u are misreading me or i cant explain myself well, ive been losing it lately

 

my hopes is that in that time i can make her see me differently and if i cant make her happy, thats ok, i just wanna give myself the chance and not live with regret,,

i dont want any other woman whatsoever, by what i said, i meant that im young and far from defeated here,, i only want her to comeback if she wants to

 

her mother wants me to fight for her, and hopes she will turn around,,,

i know all the wrongs and im ready for them

like i said i feel better than ever, i feel like i could do anything now, i have some faith in god, and when a challenge is easy the rewards are small when its hard, the rewards are great,, and if i somehow fix this, i know our relationship will be 10x better

 

but i need some advice on what steps to follow, at the point where i find myself today

[TaraMaiden]

"You" can't fix this.

Not on your own.

She has to be willing and on the same page.

 

keep as low a profile as you can, and do not contact her at all for any reason.

She may be drawn back to you, but it has to be engineered from her side.

 

 

As for falling back in love?

 

Hmmm... I dunno....

That's the hardest thing of all.

Personally, in my long and varied experience, it's very rare... It CAN happen, but again, one person alone can't fix it.

[ashamedhusband2012]

"You" can't fix this.

Not on your own.

She has to be willing and on the same page.

 

keep as low a profile as you can, and do not contact her at all for any reason.

She may be drawn back to you, but it has to be engineered from her side.

 

 

As for falling back in love?

 

Hmmm... I dunno....

That's the hardest thing of all.

Personally, in my long and varied experience, it's very rare... It CAN happen, but again, one person alone can't fix it.

 

yea, i know...

the other day (after the hot chocolate night ) she sent me a youtube song on fb, she said it was funny to her how it could make her think of a youngashamedhusband,

 

we have been talking not constantly but somewhat, at least the communication has opened more

by convincing her to comeback i told her i would sleep in the other room, and give her the bedroom, till i can get my **** together and bounce

[TaraMaiden]

You need to detach a bit, behave slightly more aloofly (is that even a word?!*) and ACT like you care less....

 

By seeming to be holding your own, and being in control, it's possible she will be intrigued....

 

I can't promise this will work, but as my signature says......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(*Apparently, 'aloofly' IS a word. I like to get it right.... )

[ataloss8270]

What I feel you should do is make the changes for yourself not her. If you don't work out then you don't work out. At least you don't have any kids invovled in all this like I do. I had the same situation happen to me, to the t... my wife and I were married for 2 years, she took off for 3 months. I went to anger management but I was so emotionally screwed up that all I did was drink, and never really learned anything. But she came back. 2 years later I started to get even worse than I was before. And she did find someone else this time and moved out, today actually. So all I am doing now is work on myself for myself and maybe someday she may allow her resentment towards me fade away and allow her gaurd to drop a little to see if this family may work. But I highly doubt it to be honest. Because she did it already and I f'ed it up. I know I lost her for good this time.

 

Just remember if she does give you a shot and you do change don't revert back because you will lose her as I did. Please don't make the same mistake I made. Because I lost the woman I love more than the world because I was to dumb to open my ears to what she was saying to me the second time around. Go to anger management and therapy if you can afford it. Find out where your problems are really coming from.

 

Remember that every relationship is just preparing us for the next bigger and better one, even if its with the same person.

[ashamedhusband2012]

tomorrow she has to come to get my half of the rent i will give it to her and not say anything, ill be dressed up since im going to a friends house to watch the ufc, that should ticke her toes a bit i hope

 

let her feel intruigued like you say

[ashamedhusband2012]

What I feel you should do is make the changes for yourself not her. If you don't work out then you don't work out. At least you don't have any kids invovled in all this like I do. I had the same situation happen to me, to the t... my wife and I were married for 2 years, she took off for 3 months. I went to anger management but I was so emotionally screwed up that all I did was drink, and never really learned anything. But she came back. 2 years later I started to get even worse than I was before. And she did find someone else this time and moved out, today actually. So all I am doing now is work on myself for myself and maybe someday she may allow her resentment towards me fade away and allow her gaurd to drop a little to see if this family may work. But I highly doubt it to be honest. Because she did it already and I f'ed it up. I know I lost her for good this time.

 

Just remember if she does give you a shot and you do change don't revert back because you will lose her as I did. Please don't make the same mistake I made. Because I lost the woman I love more than the world because I was to dumb to open my ears to what she was saying to me the second time around. Go to anger management and therapy if you can afford it. Find out where your problems are really coming from.

 

Remember that every relationship is just preparing us for the next bigger and better one, even if its with the same person.

 

 

yea im going to see a therapist,,, no im not down and out, the changes im making are for myself, my pain is my motivation, i feel great and far from defeated,, in a way this was the wake up call i needed,,, sort of like the best thing that has happened for me to finally wake up and smell the coffee, my ambitions and determination is at an all time high, i feel like i can do anything ,,, i still love her thats for sure

 

i was just and ass hole to here, im surprised she stuck around as long as she did, another woman would of left me along time ago,, like my buddy said, even if you hit a woman if she loves you she will still be there, if she doesnt she will find another guy and tell you to **** off,,, im sort of in the middle, since i never hit her, and she isnt looking for someone else, she is just tired of always thinking for 2 , putting herself last, feeling humiliated,, etc a true ******* i am

Edited December 29, 2012 by ashamedhusband2012

[2sunny]

Exactly where was she when she was gone? Who did she stay with?

[ataloss8270]

yea im going to see a therapist,,, no im not down and out, the changes im making are for myself, my pain is my motivation, i feel great and far from defeated,, in a way this was the wake up call i needed,,, sort of like the best thing that has happened for me to finally wake up and smell the coffee, my ambitions and determination is at an all time high, i feel like i can do anything ,,, i still love her thats for sure

 

i was just and ass hole to here, im surprised she stuck around as long as she did, another woman would of left me along time ago,, like my buddy said, even if you hit a woman if she loves you she will still be there, if she doesnt she will find another guy and tell you to **** off,,, im sort of in the middle, since i never hit her, and she isnt looking for someone else, she is just tired of always thinking for 2 , putting herself last, feeling humiliated,, etc a true ******* i am[/Qoute]

 

I don't mean to be a downer, but thats how I felt as well. But when she came back I got comfortable and didn't notice things slipping back to the way we were before. Until we had a blow out arguement about this guy and she slapped me a couple of times, so I pushed her away and knocked her over and she said I hit her.

 

You need to keep yourself and your emotions in check. My anger management councillor keeps reminding me that this is a life long commetment.( He would know, he is a former abusor himself. I don't know what he did to his first wife but he hasn't seen her or his son in 52 years.) We as abusers can very easily slip back in our old ways if we don't keep up with the commentments we make. If you get frustrated with her because you don't feel your getting your point across, just walk away. Go do something physical for one hour no more no less. Don't drink and don't drive (unless nessasary, driving that is) calm down and come back and see if she's ready to talk.

 

This takes a lot of work my friend. I will follow your thread and I am hear for you if you have questions about things. I am willing to help someone else keep from making the same mistakes as me.

[ashamedhusband2012]

update 12/30

 

we spoke face to face, still havent had the opportunity to clear up all of the air though,, as soon as the convo reaches a certain point she always resorts to leaving,,

 

i told her i feel great, more determined, focused, etc than ever,

that i ilove her and if she would be willing to give me 2 months of her time, she has being staying at her friends (female, i know where she is) initially she said no (she is still pissed off), i told her i cant make her love me, and that all i want is to show her i am a man she can be married to i am working on so many changes in myself not to win her back, but as a promise i made to myself (wich is true),, and that after the 2 months we can review,, also i told her for me to get those 2 months i am willing to send her flowers to her job everyday (she didnt like that, lol) i can write her 1000 love letters, i can show up with a mariachi outside her friends house,,,, all of that beacuse she means that much to me, and in any situation in my life i am going to take the same approach do as much as i can and give it all ive got, and that i want the whole world to know how much i love her,,,, they way she left she didnt give me an option, so i wont give her one with this,,,, i will fight for those 2 months just out of respect for all of the sacifices, efforts, etc she has made in the past, and beacuse i love her

Edited December 31, 2012 by ashamedhusband2012

[Mr. Lucky]

And her response was ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[ataloss8270]

update 12/30

 

we spoke face to face, still havent had the opportunity to clear up all of the air though,, as soon as the convo reaches a certain point she always resorts to leaving,,

 

i told her i feel great, more determined, focused, etc than ever,

that i ilove her and if she would be willing to give me 2 months of her time, she has being staying at her friends (female, i know where she is) initially she said no (she is still pissed off), i told her i cant make her love me, and that all i want is to show her i am a man she can be married to i am working on so many changes in myself not to win her back, but as a promise i made to myself (wich is true),, and that after the 2 months we can review,, also i told her for me to get those 2 months i am willing to send her flowers to her job everyday (she didnt like that, lol) i can write her 1000 love letters, i can show up with a mariachi outside her friends house,,,, all of that beacuse she means that much to me, and in any situation in my life i am going to take the same approach do as much as i can and give it all ive got, and that i want the whole world to know how much i love her,,,, they way she left she didnt give me an option, so i wont give her one with this,,,, i will fight for those 2 months just out of respect for all of the sacifices, efforts, etc she has made in the past, and beacuse i love her

 

To be completely honest my friend, your lady doesn't want that from you. She wants a man, someone who can stand tall and not be afraid of the world or to be alone in it. Don't do any of those things your saying for her, even though you feel you should. Women do love men they don't respect. She wants you to be comfortable with yourself and your abilities as a man. Man up my friend. You do all of that for her your just looking weak and incapable of loving yourself. Go NC with her and do some soul searching and really look at your feelings for her and find out if you truly do love her or the thought of being with her because you don't want to be alone. Look up my last thread on NC and see what GUNNY said about it and what it does. GUNNY your my hero! And to be honest if you spend all that time doing all of those things for her, you are not going to be focused on you and your issues. And you also have to keep in the back of your mind is she going to take off again if things get rough. Its a realization that you may have to keep in the back of your mind the rest of your relationship. Mine did. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin, that will do more than anything you told her you are going to do for her. I know it doesn't make sense but it does. And enjoy the time to yourself. You don't have kids go have fun!

 

I came to a realization this morning when I traded of the kids with my STBXW, I feel I may have treated her the way I did because deep down inside I don't feel I really was in love with her. Don't get me wrong, I do love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her. I though I did, but I'm not sure now. I feel if we opened up conversation about being together I would have to date her and see if I could fall back in love with her.

 

Remember every relationship just prepares us for the next bigger and better one, even if its with the same person.