?? wife walked out

[ataloss8270]

* women don't love men they don't respect*

[Gunny376]

To be completely honest my friend, your lady doesn't want that from you. She wants a man, someone who can stand tall and not be afraid of the world or to be alone in it. Don't do any of those things your saying for her, even though you feel you should. Women do love men they don't respect. She wants you to be comfortable with yourself and your abilities as a man. Man up my friend. You do all of that for her your just looking weak and incapable of loving yourself. Go NC with her and do some soul searching and really look at your feelings for her and find out if you truly do love her or the thought of being with her because you don't want to be alone. Look up my last thread on NC and see what GUNNY said about it and what it does. GUNNY your my hero! And to be honest if you spend all that time doing all of those things for her, you are not going to be focused on you and your issues. And you also have to keep in the back of your mind is she going to take off again if things get rough. Its a realization that you may have to keep in the back of your mind the rest of your relationship. Mine did. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin, that will do more than anything you told her you are going to do for her. I know it doesn't make sense but it does. And enjoy the time to yourself. You don't have kids go have fun!

 

I came to a realization this morning when I traded of the kids with my STBXW, I feel I may have treated her the way I did because deep down inside I don't feel I really was in love with her. Don't get me wrong, I do love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her. I though I did, but I'm not sure now. I feel if we opened up conversation about being together I would have to date her and see if I could fall back in love with her.

 

Remember every relationship just prepares us for the next bigger and better one, even if its with the same person.

 

"Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper!" Find your strength within yourself not in others ~ and others will find strength in you!

 

And army of deer lead by a lion is to be feared more than an army of lions lead by a deer!

[2sunny]

Go see if she's actually at "that friends " house every night.

 

She may not want you sending flowers to her work because she's cheating with someone who is there!

[TaraMaiden]

update 12/30

 

we spoke face to face, still havent had the opportunity to clear up all of the air though,, as soon as the convo reaches a certain point she always resorts to leaving,,

 

i told her i feel great, more determined, focused, etc than ever,

that i ilove her and if she would be willing to give me 2 months of her time, she has being staying at her friends (female, i know where she is) initially she said no (she is still pissed off), i told her i cant make her love me, and that all i want is to show her i am a man she can be married to i am working on so many changes in myself not to win her back, but as a promise i made to myself (wich is true),, and that after the 2 months we can review,, also i told her for me to get those 2 months i am willing to send her flowers to her job everyday (she didnt like that, lol) i can write her 1000 love letters, i can show up with a mariachi outside her friends house,,,, all of that beacuse she means that much to me, and in any situation in my life i am going to take the same approach do as much as i can and give it all ive got, and that i want the whole world to know how much i love her,,,, they way she left she didnt give me an option, so i wont give her one with this,,,, i will fight for those 2 months just out of respect for all of the sacifices, efforts, etc she has made in the past, and beacuse i love her

 

Ok, shooting from the hip here, you know what I - were I your wife - would be thinking?

 

"Oh my god, too much 'treacle! He insists he's doing this for himself, but he's pleading with me, begging me to give him another chance and laying it on so thick! I DON'T WANT BLOODY FLOWERS!! He doesn't get it! I want him 5 years ago! I wanted all this a long time ago - and now it's too late! Jeesh, he's just being such an idiot! Too little, too late! I don't care any more and nothing you can say or do will entice me back to that!"

 

You may have made that promise to yourself - for yourself - but trust me, she doesn't believe it for a minute. And she doesn't trust you to carry on if she gives in. Your intentions may be honest, but please get this through your head:

She is not willing to waste any more of her time willing to take that risk.

You can't guarantee anything in her eyes, so while there is no guarantee - there is no hope.

 

I'm sorry, but the above just sounds desperate and weak. Not determined and steadfast.

[Gunny376]

Ok, shooting from the hip here, you know what I - were I your wife - would be thinking?

 

"Oh my god, too much 'treacle! He insists he's doing this for himself, but he's pleading with me, begging me to give him another chance and laying it on so thick! I DON'T WANT BLOODY FLOWERS!! He doesn't get it! I want him 5 years ago! I wanted all this a long time ago - and now it's too late! Jeesh, he's just being such an idiot! Too little, too late! I don't care any more and nothing you can say or do will entice me back to that!"

 

You may have made that promise to yourself - for yourself - but trust me, she doesn't believe it for a minute. And she doesn't trust you to carry on if she gives in. Your intentions may be honest, but please get this through your head:

She is not willing to waste any more of her time willing to take that risk.

You can't guarantee anything in her eyes, so while there is no guarantee - there is no hope.

 

I'm sorry, but the above just sounds desperate and weak. Not determined and steadfast.

 

Its been my concerted experience in Life and with women? That that which Tara says here is the pure undiluted speak ~ gosspel as it had just came of off the "mountain" itself!

 

Per the investment of time, effort, energy, money, emotions, etc? What it would take to get this one back? You could get ten others. Time to move on, learn and grow per the experience.

 

Its taken me years upon years to reconcile it ~ don't know that I fully have (in so far as understanding it all) ~ don't know that I ever will. This much I do know. I married too young, to the wrong woman, who I was just too damn incompatiable with.

 

I was too young, too in-experienced, too ignorant (defined as I just didn't know any better) too stupid (defined as "I knew better, but did and said things I shouldn't have and/or didn't do or say things I should have! Oftentimes its not just what you did or said? In so much as its what you didn't do or say as well!)

 

I just didn't have the prerequistite knowledge, comprehension, understanding, skill set, tool set, communication skills, negotation skills. I didn't fully appreciate the mental, emotional, pyschological, communication styles, needs, wants, perspective, attitudes of a woman/women. I didn't fully comprehend nor appreciate that women's mind are literally wired differently than man ~ in of as a general rule. That they think differently than I as a man.

 

Live and learn! Grow, and try to make nor repeat the same mistakes twice! Best of luck to you and Happy New Year. Its a new year and its time to pick yourself up and off, shake it off as best you can, (even though doing so might be like climbing out from under a city bus) get the

"get down feeling" and get busy 'getting on with your life.

 

If and when the day comes you pass her, and she sees the new and improved you ~ just tell it you realized you made some mistakes, and needed to make some changed and that this is the new and improved "AH v 2013.0" (And if need be keep on keeping on ~ daily identify your weaknesses, areas of yourself and life you can improve upon, do better and seek self improvement.)

 

Me, myself and I? I'm working on

 

v. Gunny376.2013/23-R, sub a" as in starting TODAY! :p

 

Happy New Year, may God Bless you and yours, and be with you each and everyday. Walk with Him and He'll Walk with you.

 

Gunny376

[Chi townD]

12/28/12 UPDATE

 

i found out that there isnt anyone else,, (thank god)

 

 

Really? And how do you know this? Because SHE told you there's no one else? You seriously need to be looking into this a little closer. Everything screams that she might be staying with her friend....but, I have a feeling that she's going out and meeting up with someone.

[ashamedhusband2012]

update 1-2-2013

 

ITS OVER, she wanted to play me stupid, i put her in her place

 

i had asked her for the 2 months few days ago, she finally got back to me last night over the phone with " about the 2 months you asked for i decided im not going to give them to you, and i want you out of the apt by feb 1st "

 

the lease of the apt is not under my name only hers, but since we are married this is considered our marital home, so legally i hold the same right to it as she does... i told her that also all of the utilities, internet, electricity, home phone, even the car wich she is using is under my name, i live here, you left, all your family knows that i want to work things out, this is your home the door is always open, if you dont want to live here thats your choice, you made your decision , now you have to live with it,, i am not in a financial situation that will allow me to move by feb 1st, i honestly i dont know when i will be able to move out, but i will let you know, im not going to call you anymore, beg you to come back, im done with all of that, you know where you live, come by whenever you want,,, my patience is running thin, when i move i will have to take some of the stuff too (she paid for most of it, but legally everything is ours),im going to be working two jobs i dont have time to walk/feed the dog, you have to come and pick him up, and bring him food he doesnt have anymore!!, also understand that i love you, value you, and im willing to lay down my life for you,,, im not sure but i doubt you will ever be able to find someone that will do that much for you,,, when people get older their looks go down, (she is a bit insecure, like all women i assume so i stabbed her there too) but understand that in my eyes you will always be beautyful,, you have your profession, your job, dog, family, etc,, for you nothing will change at most someone else will come into your life, but no man will put up with your **** (every little thing bothers her, and mentaly she is weak everything stresses her),, me in not defined i dont have a profession yet, at most ive reached 30% of my potencial, im starting college in the fall of this year i have the whole world ahead of me, new people new experiences, for me everything will be new and i feel great,,,im done acting like a tennager, im done with partying, smoking, drinking , etc i dont know what i did to you that was so bad that you dont even want to talk to me, want to kick me out of my home,,, understand that i love you and you can count on me for whatever,,

 

BETWEEN ALL OF THAT SHE WAS SCREAMING HANGING UP THE PHONE U CAN IMAGINE HER RAGE,lol

 

"you are still ashamedhusband you are in the process of changing" she said

 

mentally i think different and phisycally im changing too i told her

 

 

also i told her i would go see her grandparents to wish them a happy new years, she didnt want me to do that, now i know why,,, she only told them that we are going to separate but gave them no reason, beacuse she plans on moving in with them, her parents live out of town ,,, when i went over there i told them that i think she feels dissapointed, let down, etc,, that i love her and want to work things out, that im changing etc, they said they love me im their family and they will be praying that things can get fixed,, now she has no eyes to cry to her family in this situation,,,, tables have turned

 

 

what i gather is that she wants to ruin me, she prolly thought i was just going to roll over, grab my clothes leave her all of the stuff and leave to my friends sofa, since i was acting all weak, asking for forgiveness, begging for second chances, accepting my mistakes,, i think... she feels like she wasted the best years of her life with an *******,,,, she wants some vengance, but now she realized she is fuc ked

 

later on that night i asked her to come and eat today and she readily accepted,,, LOL

 

any suggestions??

Edited January 2, 2013 by ashamedhusband2012

[Gunny376]

I think you've pretty much have covered any and all of the bases, clearly stated your poisition, and your ready to pick up, pack up, and move forward with your life. Righteous thing ~ and really the only thing for you to do. At this point I would just leave her and all of it alone. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't just keep on living like you've been living ~ i WOULD!

 

I certainly wouldn't be in any hurry to get a divorce? Why? Are you in a hurry to get tied up and tangled up with someone else? It would be waaaaayyyyyy to early for that! That's the last thing that you need right now. It takes time ~ and a lot of it to come out of a LTR. You've made and greater emotional investment than you've realized. Them 'thar' emotions can be a down-right bitch to deal with! Tricky little suckers they are.

 

Emotions aren't right nor wrong ~ they just are. They usually come from our "super-id" not just our inner child ~ but out inner spolit child.

 

The best thing I would recommend is to just put the Rayband sunglasses on, kick back and just chill. Sometimes in life? You've just got to say "WTF!" Sometimes? Life is just to damn ridiculious to live! But we've got to play it out!

 

People crack me up when they talk about being "stressed out!" Especially out here in civilan la~la land! If you've got your health, your physical strength, your mental capacity, your freedom? Your pretty much good to go! If your live in a Western country? Its noting but gravy ~ Baby! Nothing but spades and a Royal Flush, Aces High!

 

This is stress and having a really, really s***** day!

 

Marine being shot at pictures - Bing Images

[ataloss8270]

Dont take this wrong because I'm not trying to bash you. But honestly you should have just stayed calm, cool, and collected if you really wanted to save your marriage. It sound to me like she may have been testing you to see if you could manage that. You should have keep yourself in a peaceful place my friend. All you did by saying that is dig a deeper hole for yourself. And hurt her even deeper. Unlike most people here that their wives left because they weren't aggressive enough, our ladies left because we are over the top aggressive. You need to find your happy place when you speak to her. She needs to see that you can man the f*** up and speak to her like a man, not like a scared little boy, sorry to say. Stand tall my friend, don't let her see that any of this is bothering you. Don't be afraid of change, because by saying all those things you made it look like you are. She has years of resentment towards you and all you did was fuel the fire that is already blazing. Back off of her and let things cool down. You should need to stay NC with her. Her pain towards you will start to fade and she will begin to remember the good times you had together. Her mind is just clouded with all the bad memories of you. But that's just IMO from my own experience with what I am going threw right now. It takes a long time for someone to see change, and it doesn't happen over night.

Edited January 2, 2013 by ataloss8270

[ashamedhusband2012]

Dont take this wrong because I'm not trying to bash you. But honestly you should have just stayed calm, cool, and collected if you really wanted to save your marriage. It sound to me like she may have been testing you to see if you could manage that. You should have keep yourself in a peaceful place my friend. All you did by saying that is dig a deeper hole for yourself. And hurt her even deeper. Unlike most people here that their wives left because they weren't aggressive enough, our ladies left because we are over the top aggressive. You need to find your happy place when you speak to her. She needs to see that you can man the f*** up and speak to her like a man, not like a scared little boy, sorry to say. Stand tall my friend, don't let her see that any of this is bothering you. Don't be afraid of change, because by saying all those things you made it look like you are. She has years of resentment towards you and all you did was fuel the fire that is already blazing. Back off of her and let things cool down. You should need to stay NC with her. Her pain towards you will start to fade and she will begin to remember the good times you had together. Her mind is just clouded with all the bad memories of you. But that's just IMO from my own experience with what I am going threw right now. It takes a long time for someone to see change, and it doesn't happen over night.

 

i understand that, but how can i stay calm, when she is asking me to leave in a month... obiously i had to put her in her place, im not a piece of paper you can ball and throw in the garbage,

 

as far as saving the marriage i wanted too, still do,,, but she doesnt anything i say will not convice her,

i also think she is traumatized, beacuse any rational person will not handle the situation this way,, and maybe i didnt love her that much, just got used to living with her,, im not calling her anymore, she knows where she lives , the door is always open

 

i gave her options i offered to sleep in the other room and give her the bed, i asked for 2 months,

she didnt give me any options,, but now i bet she realizes she should of handled the situation differently so she could have better cards to play with...

Edited January 2, 2013 by ashamedhusband2012

[ataloss8270]

i understand that, but how can i stay calm, when she is asking me to leave in a month... obiously i had to put her in her place, im not a piece of paper you can ball and throw in the garbage,

 

as far as saving the marriage i wanted too, still do,,, but she doesnt anything i say will not convice her,

i also think she is traumatized, beacuse any rational person will not handle the situation this way,, and maybe i didnt love her that much, just got used to living with her,, im not calling her anymore, she knows where she lives , the door is always open

 

i gave her options i offered to sleep in the other room and give her the bed, i asked for 2 months,

she didnt give me any options,, but now i bet she realizes she should of handled the situation differently so she could have better cards to play with...

 

#1. You never put your wife in her place or give her options ever, she is to be respected and charished. Her feeling and opinions are not to be played, this is her life and you need to understand that. You can not control her.

 

#2. She is so hurt by you that she can't stand to be around you. So how do you think sleeping on in different rooms for 2 months will make things better. She may be so disgussed by you she can't even look at you right now.

 

#3. It seems you need to stop over analyzing what is going on right now. And see it for what it is, she is hurt.

 

#4. This woman loves you, but she is afraid of you and your emotional ups and down. She can't live with someone that at any minute can just blow up. Just like my wife said " I love you with all my heart, but I can't be with you the way are right now"

 

#5. Stop being upset that she is treating you like garbage, and look at the way you treated her for years. And you expect her to be nice to you.

 

#6. You need to begin to understand and believe that whatever happens, happens and there is no answers to anything. Nothing in life is clear. You can't always make a game plan for life. Believe me I know because I always did the same thing you are doing. Trying to make a plan in a situation that takes time. It is our control issues that we believe that they will agree to what we say.

 

#7. She already knows what her game plan is. Right now you need to look at it like a game of chess. Its all about strategy, and you need to play your strengths and analysis your weaknesses, and improve on them. Right now she is the toughest player you will ever met in you life. See controlling you emotions and anger as making you first move. But keep in mind though that this is not a game. I'm just using this as and example.

 

#8. MAN UP! treat her with the up most respect, and hold your tongue if she says something you don't like. Think before you speak. Sometimes a long pause before you say something will help you look at what she just said.

 

#9. Calm down when you see her. Center yourself everyday. That way before you see her will help you stay calm, no matter how mad you are at her right now. There are plenty of ways on the internet that will show you how to center yourself. It really works for me right now. A good book I am reading right now, that help your understand that things in life just happen and you can't control them is called "taming you gremlin". It help by learning how to keep you subconscious from over analsising things and just go with the flow.

 

#10. Just keep in mind that at this point in time she is protecting herself from your abuse. Do not blame her for how you feel and your actions. They are your own, how you carry yourself is on you. Remember when you point a finger at someone there are 3 pointing right back at you.

 

Im not trying to bash you, but I see so much of myself in you. Stick with your commitments my friend, they speak loader than word ever will. NC will show her you are strong and confident. Don't make anymore threats. If you do speak to her, tell her you understand where she is coming from and you understand her fears. Leave it at that right now. And remember what YODA said "do or do not, there is no try". Yes I'm a nerd at times lol. But most of all just relax and go with the flow. Make the changes for you. Because if you and I don't change the way we are A) we may not get a chance of getting our wives back B) if we don't get them back we will always talk about all the loves that got away, not just the one.

Edited January 2, 2013 by ataloss8270

[ashamedhusband2012]

thank to everyone that has contributed to this thread i really appreciate it!!1

 

she said she will call later, i plan on telling her this

 

"just know that im not playing with your feelings its your life, i understand that , i cant control you,

i know you are hurt, and you dont want to be around me and you might even feel that your life with me is miserable with me, i wish i could get an opportunity to show you the life you want, the life a wonderful person like yourself deserves, you know that for you i would do anything,

maybe everything im doing to better myself you dont want to hear it, and it might even irritate you, beacuse if i can do it now, why didnt i do it before when it would of mattered?

i know you love me, but you are afraid that if you give me another chance the change wont last and it will go back to the same sh it and fail again, i know you dont want to take that chance, no matter what i say or do, beacuse you dont want to

i cant expect you to be nice to me right now, you are controlling my feelings, but im not mad that you are treating me this way after all of the years i treated you the same way,, just know that i love you, i will never be mad or hate you i am here for whatever you need count on me for anything anytime in your life,, this is your home too, the door is always open for you"

 

 

any input????

Edited January 2, 2013 by ashamedhusband2012

[ataloss8270]

thank to everyone that has contributed to this thread i really appreciate it!!1

 

she said she will call later, i plan on telling her this

 

"just know that im not playing with your feelings its your life, i understand that , i cant control you,

i know you are hurt, and you dont want to be around me and you might even feel that your life with me is miserable, i wish i could get an opportunity to show you the life you want, the life a wonderful person like yourself deserves, you know that for you i would do anything,

maybe everything im doing to better myself you dont want to hear it, and it might even irritate you, beacuse if i can do it now, why didnt i do it before when it would of mattered?

i know you love me, but you are afraid that the change wont last and it will go back to the same sh it and fail again, i know you dont want to take that chance, no matter what i say or do, beacuse you dont want to

i cant expect you to be nice to me right now, you are controlling my feelings, but im not mad that you are treating me this way after all of the years i treated you the same way,, just know that i love you and i am here for whatever you need, this is your home too, the door is always open for you"

 

 

any input????

 

Sorry to say it sounds forced and manipulative. You are still trying to convience her to feel how you feel. Just make it short and sweet. Say something like, "I understand where you are coming from, and I understand your fears. I apologize for what I have put you threw and I hope someday you may find it in your heart to forgive me. But it is time for us to move on with our lives and someday maybe we may met in the middle and reconcile." And leave it at, but don't just say it, believe it. Move on with your life, she may over time forget about all the bad things and begin to remember the good times and miss you. But don't spend your life waiting for that moment. Move on for now. You may find someone even better for you than her. Even my wife said to me "you know I may even be the one who kicks myself in the future for leaving you". And unlike you we have to be very involved in one another's lives for 17 more years, because our daughter is only 17 months. Believe that you will have a great life with or without her. Improve yourself my friend, for you so you will have a great life.

[ashamedhusband2012]

Sorry to say it sounds forced and manipulative. You are still trying to convience her to feel how you feel. Just make it short and sweet. Say something like, "I understand where you are coming from, and I understand your fears. I apologize for what I have put you threw and I hope someday you may find it in your heart to forgive me. But it is time for us to move on with our lives and someday maybe we may met in the middle and reconcile." And leave it at, but don't just say it, believe it. Move on with your life, she may over time forget about all the bad things and begin to remember the good times and miss you. But don't spend your life waiting for that moment. Move on for now. You may find someone even better for you than her. Even my wife said to me "you know I may even be the one who kicks myself in the future for leaving you". And unlike you we have to be very involved in one another's lives for 17 more years, because our daughter is only 17 months. Believe that you will have a great life with or without her. Improve yourself my friend, for you so you will have a great life.

 

something a bit longer or an extra piece to add, i just feel that its a bit dry, at this point i know we are not going to get back together, i am over the hurt, i dont want her to think that i dont give a F,, thank you very much ataloss,, things like this are never easy and nothing is set in stone, like i told her " i thought you would always be by my side" boy was i wrong also i dont want it to turn into a competition with her about who can be happier without the other, also i cant drown in sorrow, some days i do feel more depressed than others, like today :/,,,, i accept that its over

[ataloss8270]

something a bit longer or an extra piece to add, i just feel that its a bit dry, at this point i know we are not going to get back together, i am over the hurt, i dont want her to think that i dont give a F,, thank you very much ataloss,, things like this are never easy and nothing is set in stone, like i told her " i thought you would always be by my side" boy was i wrong also i dont want it to turn into a competition with her about who can be happier without the other, also i cant drown in sorrow, some days i do feel more depressed than others, like today :/,,,, i accept that its over

 

There is no competition between my wife and I to see who will be happier. She was just being truthful when she said that. And I want to see her happy as she wants to see me happy as well. As of right now she feels that being apart is what will make us happy. But like I said "maybe someday we can met in he middle". I'm not going to sit around and wait for that day, because I will never be happy if I do. But it is the truth of it. Like I keep saying actions speak loader than words. And manning up is the best thing you can show her. That's why it should stay short and sweet, because right now she doesn't want to hear what you have to say. You've already told her all those things before, your just repeating yourself at this point. But stand tall when you say it. To accept that it is over is the first part of manning up and living life. It may sound dry what I said and you can make it your own however you want. But less is more sometimes. It sounds truthful if you mean it when you say it.

[ashamedhusband2012]

There is no competition between my wife and I to see who will be happier. She was just being truthful when she said that. And I want to see her happy as she wants to see me happy as well. As of right now she feels that being apart is what will make us happy. But like I said "maybe someday we can met in he middle". I'm not going to sit around and wait for that day, because I will never be happy if I do. But it is the truth of it. Like I keep saying actions speak loader than words. And manning up is the best thing you can show her. That's why it should stay short and sweet, because right now she doesn't want to hear what you have to say. You've already told her all those things before, your just repeating yourself at this point. But stand tall when you say it. To accept that it is over is the first part of manning up and living life. It may sound dry what I said and you can make it your own however you want. But less is more sometimes. It sounds truthful if you mean it when you say it.

its done man, thanks alot and thanks to everyone, it has been a tough 3 weeks, but im looking forward now,, i will update this thread everynow and then,, much love and peace, to all ,,, thanks again

 

Edited January 2, 2013 by ashamedhusband2012

[Caldespair]

Ashamed- similar story to mine, it's been a month in a hotel for me. I'm moving to an apartment tomorrow until our marriage/sep/div plays out. I think it was gunny who said "her sack is filled up with all the wrong I've done in the last 25 years". So no deal breakers by either of us. I've e mailed, Lm on her cell saying we can work it out but she only relied asking when I was going to dep in our account. I still love her, she was crying and t old me she loves me. So it's been a month, I figure to give it one more push, flowers, dressed up meet her at my house. But I don't want to be a doormat. I've learned from this site women are not logical, rational like men- generally speaking. I want to go nc, but that could put final nail in coffin. I know her well, she wants me to beg and plead. I did that in my 20-30's, I don't do that anymore. I want it to work out, but it takes 2 to make it work. Things are hard now, but regardless, things will get better. HANG IN THERE!

[Gunny376]

Women are VERY LOGICAL! If your looking at things from a woman's point of view? :laugh: Just ask any woman!

 

I like to go fishing! I also like vanilla ice cream! But fish like worms, so when I go fishing? I go fishing with worms! Not vanilla ice cream!

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but I still think there's another guy. She willing to give you up WAY to easily.

[ashamedhusband2012]

going to a theater show with her tonight,,

[ataloss8270]

Good to hear, just stay calm, cool, and collected. Leave all relationship BS behind you tonight unless she is the one to bring it up. Agree with anything she wants to do that envolves the relationship. Don't argue any of your points. Don't lose her if your able to reconcile. But this is going to take time and effort for you. So stay in a happy place. Make small talk nothing serious and just have fun.

 

Are you still working on yourself for yourself?

[ashamedhusband2012]

Good to hear, just stay calm, cool, and collected. Leave all relationship BS behind you tonight unless she is the one to bring it up. Agree with anything she wants to do that envolves the relationship. Don't argue any of your points. Don't lose her if your able to reconcile. But this is going to take time and effort for you. So stay in a happy place. Make small talk nothing serious and just have fun.

 

Are you still working on yourself for yourself?

 

well last night went well, she came over and said she is coming back home tomorrow that this is her home too, i said i know i told you that the door is open , that we needed to go over the details she said,,, i told her to relax we can talk about it tomorrow (today)

 

i cooked oven baked chicken breasts with vegetables, we drank a bit of wine, gave her some flowers, went to the theater show, then came back home to watch a movie (7 psychopaths), she left and thanked me for the night , told her she was welcome

 

 

today she sent me a text asking if i had checked my emails, i said no, but she had sent me a link to an apt near by for rent... (so obiouly last night didnt work...)

she is coming by today to speak about the details of her coming back home

 

 

as far as i go i have been keeping up with my plans , im calm and collected, been working out, eating well and healthy, keeping the house clean, staying organized, etc

 

what should i do now?, i cant let her put all the conditions...

im not going to suffer for her, let another man put up with her ****,, not going to beg, plead or cry...

Edited January 13, 2013 by ashamedhusband2012

[ataloss8270]

OK, we both have the same issue. You just need to sit back and look at it from her perspective. To her last night your behavior was a front, she may have gotten a vibe from you that your behavior was forced and pretend. Look at your wording of thing "I told her this" and "I told her that" , stop telling her things and say them to her. She may or may not be involved with someone else, but as of right now she is protecting herself from you.

 

As far as her conditions for the relationship. Yes agree with everything she asks for with a smile. Its our control issue that comes into play when we hear something we don't like and we blame them for the situation we are in. You cant blame her for wanting to feel safe and secure in her own home. One thing my wife told me sense she left the night I brought up "us", was that its nice for her to walk in the door without fear because she never knew what "person" I would be when she got there. Then she asked me to leave after about 15 minutes of our conversation. I gladly got up "said" not "told" her to have a good night and left. Actions speak loader then words. I left and thought about what she said, and she was right, one day I would be a loving happy person that only wanted to hear about her day, but other days I would be in a bad mood about something and it would come out towards her regardless if it was her or not.

 

As far as putting up with her s***, she has put up with your s*** for how long now. Stop blaming her for the situation you are in. Yes your right don't beg or cry. It will only look like your trying to control once again, by putting thoughts in her head. Just go with the flow and relax.

 

But don't think last night didn't do anything, it did. But you can't expect her to change her whole out look of the situation that took years to create in one night. Be patient with her and live as if your not getting back together, not saying give up hope but just to take care of yourself. Don't go NC with her unless you want it to end. But by taking care of yourself and your new place may give her a new perspective of you as you create the new you. Walk your own path for a while, if she likes what she sees she will follow.

 

And as your the apt. She sent you a link for one near by. She isn't sending you links for ones far away. So just see how things go.

Edited January 13, 2013 by ataloss8270

[shalisha42]

me and my wife 30-28 have been married for 9 years next month no kids, no property

i havent been the best husband over the course of that time in ways that make me feel ashamed, i was never in touch with my feelings i coudnt express myself to her, in my mind i couldnt accept anything was wrong when a situation arose that made her angry, and i would close the door on her feelings, making her feel she was wrong for feeling the way she felt at times,,, we suffered strong communication issues,but like all marriages we had our ups and downs we did take trips together every year and for the most part we seemed like a happy couple we kissed and said i love you everyday eventhough lately our sex life had slowed down,

 

on my bday in Oct she cooked me a nice meal and we had all my friends over it was a very special night for me that made me realize what i have/had,,, next day i told her i would make a change for the better, wich im very proud to say i did, i started making us breakfast every weekend , doing more chores around the house, taking it upon myself to take over some of here duties like feeding the dog, if i went out with friends i would come back home early, i quit smoking, i decided to spend more time with her, we carved a pumpking for halloween, ate oysters, went to the movies and hung out during the weekends

 

november went by quite smooth and i can say that she felt happy, based on reading texts and her expressions towards me and she even bought a new piece of furniture for our apt

 

december was going well on the 10th she asked me for my dl # to add me to car insurance so i can drive the car too on the

 

11th she went to meet up with one of her friends wich was fine i worked the evening of that day

 

12th she texts me to tell me she will see another friend that night , i replied "damn when will you make time for us? im staying here at home by myself again"

she: "im sorry you feel that way" me:"should i be happy?" she:" id ont know how do you feel?" me:"well im upset" she:" im sorry you are upset" me:"well your are you telling me everything last minute, why? like yesterday too, why not make time for us?"

she:"well beacuse i need space i think, timing is not right ill call you later" me:"ok i love you what time r u calling me back? i love you"

 

she didnt txt i love you back,,, i went back home and immediantely bought flowers for her and waited for her to get home after she met up with her friend that night,,, when she cameback she said that she didnt love me anymore, tought we were going diff ways, didnt want the same things, couldnt see us having kids and that it was OVER, this came OUT OF THE BLUE for me since i had been trying so hard for her lately,,, my world was crushed,, she said she needed 1 night apart and went back to her friends house that night, i got the friends info in case of anything, told her i wanted to fight to save our marriage we cried but she didnt stay

 

13th trough text me telling her i love her, etc

she says she understands but she needs this and we would talk later,, she came home that night the same thing that it was over and that she felt this way for a while... we kissed and hugged but i couldnt stop crying she left again to a frineds house

 

14th i told her i need to tell her how i feel i wrote it all down on this paper for her to come home it was important to me that she knows my emotions, she came gabbed the letter told me she would read it later, for me to give her the weekend i made her sit down and read it then she left again,, i txt after saying a bit more she txt ok, thank you

 

15th no contact

 

16th over txt i told her i saw a therapist offered me the # to hers

she said she would call later, when she did i told her she doesnt want to admit there is still hope i want to prove to her i can make her happy, etc.. she says sorry she knows all of this but she is not there anymore that she had made a desicion she sorry it comes to this but its whats right for her that she feels better being alone

 

17th this time im on the offensive not crying and strong i tell her she needs to come by so we can speak so i can tell her with words face to face how i feel, she says she will be here 7pm before she gets here, she calls angry and to say she isnt coming for us to meet in a neutral place, she doesnt want me touching her and that her desicion is final,, i told her i accepted her desicion for her to come , i wouldnt touch her

she did and we talked i told her all of my efforts and my changes made her see that its a sincere change not a bull**** one, she awknoleges that says its unfortunate and that the wants me out by the end of january since the lease is in her name,, i tell her i cant since my finances arent good and i have a right to the apt as well since we are married and the earliest i could go would be april i also lost my job bcz the company closed, that im not a piece of paper she can just throw in the garbage,, she gets really angry and runs for the door i tell her more things, she breaks down crying tells me she really feels unapriciated through this whole time and her emotions come out

then she leaves with a bigger suitcase of clothes

 

18th i text and tell her how i finally get all she feels by describing situations its very sincere

 

19th i txt her to call me back, she replies "thank you for your words it helps me heal to know that you finally saw me, i wont call at lunch give me a few days please ( wich i will do i wont call or txt any more), i txt back saying that im a ashamed by the fool ive been, etc end of our conversation up until now

 

 

 

she hasnt taken off her wedding ring, she hasnt said divorce, we still talk, and she asked for a few days,,, im a dumb for still holding hope? im past the part of crying now i can sleep as well now, mostly its my fault the relationship is ****ed like this,, any hope left???? i still love her and i cant understand why she just left like this, after 8 years!!! x-mass is in a few days our 9th year wedding aniversary in less than a month!!!!!! i told her we could of talked planned an exit, etc,, things shouldnt be done this way selfishly and immature, but i have been immature in the past,,, a person doesnt stay this long with someone they dont love during oct, nov and dec she seemed genuily happy i really doubt she met someone else being that she is so ****ed up emotionally,,, what bother me the most though is the fact that i was trying so hard.... what should i do??????????????

 

 

:sick:

 

I see a theme here: You have not honored your wife's request to leave her alone and give her space. You continued to push, text, push, insist, etc. I'd be pissed off too. Leave her alone and give her the space she needs.

[shalisha42]

update 1-2-2013

 

ITS OVER, she wanted to play me stupid, i put her in her place

 

i had asked her for the 2 months few days ago, she finally got back to me last night over the phone with " about the 2 months you asked for i decided im not going to give them to you, and i want you out of the apt by feb 1st "

 

the lease of the apt is not under my name only hers, but since we are married this is considered our marital home, so legally i hold the same right to it as she does... i told her that also all of the utilities, internet, electricity, home phone, even the car wich she is using is under my name, i live here, you left, all your family knows that i want to work things out, this is your home the door is always open, if you dont want to live here thats your choice, you made your decision , now you have to live with it,, i am not in a financial situation that will allow me to move by feb 1st, i honestly i dont know when i will be able to move out, but i will let you know, im not going to call you anymore, beg you to come back, im done with all of that, you know where you live, come by whenever you want,,, my patience is running thin, when i move i will have to take some of the stuff too (she paid for most of it, but legally everything is ours),im going to be working two jobs i dont have time to walk/feed the dog, you have to come and pick him up, and bring him food he doesnt have anymore!!, also understand that i love you, value you, and im willing to lay down my life for you,,, im not sure but i doubt you will ever be able to find someone that will do that much for you,,, when people get older their looks go down, (she is a bit insecure, like all women i assume so i stabbed her there too) but understand that in my eyes you will always be beautyful,, you have your profession, your job, dog, family, etc,, for you nothing will change at most someone else will come into your life, but no man will put up with your **** (every little thing bothers her, and mentaly she is weak everything stresses her),, me in not defined i dont have a profession yet, at most ive reached 30% of my potencial, im starting college in the fall of this year i have the whole world ahead of me, new people new experiences, for me everything will be new and i feel great,,,im done acting like a tennager, im done with partying, smoking, drinking , etc i dont know what i did to you that was so bad that you dont even want to talk to me, want to kick me out of my home,,, understand that i love you and you can count on me for whatever,,

 

BETWEEN ALL OF THAT SHE WAS SCREAMING HANGING UP THE PHONE U CAN IMAGINE HER RAGE,lol

 

"you are still ashamedhusband you are in the process of changing" she said

 

mentally i think different and phisycally im changing too i told her

 

 

also i told her i would go see her grandparents to wish them a happy new years, she didnt want me to do that, now i know why,,, she only told them that we are going to separate but gave them no reason, beacuse she plans on moving in with them, her parents live out of town ,,, when i went over there i told them that i think she feels dissapointed, let down, etc,, that i love her and want to work things out, that im changing etc, they said they love me im their family and they will be praying that things can get fixed,, now she has no eyes to cry to her family in this situation,,,, tables have turned

 

 

what i gather is that she wants to ruin me, she prolly thought i was just going to roll over, grab my clothes leave her all of the stuff and leave to my friends sofa, since i was acting all weak, asking for forgiveness, begging for second chances, accepting my mistakes,, i think... she feels like she wasted the best years of her life with an *******,,,, she wants some vengance, but now she realized she is fuc ked

 

later on that night i asked her to come and eat today and she readily accepted,,, LOL

 

any suggestions??

 

You've got to be kidding?? Trying to convince her that no man will ever want her? Then why do you want her? If she's damaged goods and you want her, there's something wrong with you! How dare you. You are the one that's the problem in this relationship. Not once did you honor her request for space. You badgered her, begged her, stalked her. You are unstable. I wouldn't want you back either. You're making it like this is all on her. It's you.