Jeanie12 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Ok, so my MM whom I have not seen in about a month, but who emails me informed me that he's seeing a counsellor and this person has told him that he is not to have contact with me (meanwhile he called me to tell me this....). He claimed that his therapist told him he has to isolate himself from me so that he can figure out if the absence makes him want to be with me and if its what he truly wants. Have you heard this before? It sounds kind of crazy to me, because it's been counterproductive....we haven't communicated for 5 days now and I feel great! He was putting me on a roller coaster and now I'm just so busy and happy I don't want to see him again. So....what's the deal with the therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 First of all, yes, I have heard of this tactic, and clearly it hasn't been counterproductive because if you're not missing him, you probably don't want to be with him..this is a good way to figure that out. Second, stop worrying so much about what he wants..what do you want? Third, as long as he's married, he should be leaving you alone anyway..and you should be leaving him alone too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Ok, so my MM whom I have not seen in about a month, but who emails me informed me that he's seeing a counsellor and this person has told him that he is not to have contact with me (meanwhile he called me to tell me this....). He claimed that his therapist told him he has to isolate himself from me so that he can figure out if the absence makes him want to be with me and if its what he truly wants. Have you heard this before? It sounds kind of crazy to me, because it's been counterproductive....we haven't communicated for 5 days now and I feel great! He was putting me on a roller coaster and now I'm just so busy and happy I don't want to see him again. So....what's the deal with the therapist? yes- I received almost the EXACT same thing: "I need to stop communication for 'awhile'. Going through therapy and need a clear head. I hope that you understand. No response." OK. No problem. 'No response'. Yah, thanks for biding to that when I asked it of you 6 times. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Ok, so my MM whom I have not seen in about a month, but who emails me informed me that he's seeing a counsellor and this person has told him that he is not to have contact with me (meanwhile he called me to tell me this....). He claimed that his therapist told him he has to isolate himself from me so that he can figure out if the absence makes him want to be with me and if its what he truly wants. Have you heard this before? It sounds kind of crazy to me, because it's been counterproductive....we haven't communicated for 5 days now and I feel great! He was putting me on a roller coaster and now I'm just so busy and happy I don't want to see him again. So....what's the deal with the therapist? How is it counterproductive? The therapist didn't recommend it for you, she recommended it for him. So I don't think how it makes you feel is what you can judge it by. If you haven't spoken and feel great, then what do you mean "what's the deal?"...isn't it a good deal for you too then? You can finally get off the rollercoaster. I seems like a winning situation, so I'm slightly unsure about what you're asking. Are you being truthful about how you feel about it? It's like on one hand you're saying it's great and you don't want him anymore, but on the other it seems like you're upset his therapist told him not to speak to you, so you're just pretending like "Well hmm! I don't need to speak with him anyway!" How do you actually feel about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeanie12 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Thanks! I'm definitely over him, but he was my friend for 15 years prior to this, so I do have a shred of human decency about it. I don't want this NC period to make him want to move out and then have myself feel pressured to accept him if he uses me as the reason n for leaving. If he moves out he will be alone - because quite frankly, he's not a "catch" and I don't want any guilt or pressure or the like. I had told him this a while ago, but I don't think it sunk in b/c he kept asking me to tell him I loved him..and I said I did, but as a friend, and also because he's got a cancer scare on his hands... But thank you for letting me know ur experiences with this tactic of his, it seemed kind of odd, but I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist! Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 So....what's the deal with the therapist? He is probably going to MC and the therapist told him to isolate himself from you for the wife's sake and to decide if he wants to be with HER. He sent you the email to keep you on the backburner if MC doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) Trust us on this...the chances that he'll give up the marriage are zero, the chances that he'd give up the marriage without having you lined up...close to zero. He's not going anywhere, he's trying to clear his head. Keyword for he's staying. The therapist's interest is his client's well being. Some can be biased pro marriage, but it should strictly be about what he wants. It is healthy to end an A, because it is an unstable way of living in most cases. I would suspect as others have said that MC is going on. Then being told to end it with you makes perfect sense. Relax and don't take him back. When he contacts you again, wish him well and tell him the A was over for a long time. Edited December 20, 2012 by cutedragon Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Ok, so my MM whom I have not seen in about a month, but who emails me informed me that he's seeing a counsellor and this person has told him that he is not to have contact with me (meanwhile he called me to tell me this....). He claimed that his therapist told him he has to isolate himself from me so that he can figure out if the absence makes him want to be with me and if its what he truly wants. Have you heard this before? It sounds kind of crazy to me, because it's been counterproductive....we haven't communicated for 5 days now and I feel great! He was putting me on a roller coaster and now I'm just so busy and happy I don't want to see him again. So....what's the deal with the therapist? Bolded part - That's great! Celebrate and be proud of yourself for that no contact and keep feeling good. If you have a weak moment, come post here and do not break NC. As for your last sentence..Honestly, who cares? Focus on you and not about him and what is going on in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Thanks! I'm definitely over him, but he was my friend for 15 years prior to this, so I do have a shred of human decency about it. I don't want this NC period to make him want to move out and then have myself feel pressured to accept him if he uses me as the reason n for leaving. If he moves out he will be alone - because quite frankly, he's not a "catch" and I don't want any guilt or pressure or the like. I had told him this a while ago, but I don't think it sunk in b/c he kept asking me to tell him I loved him..and I said I did, but as a friend, and also because he's got a cancer scare on his hands... But thank you for letting me know ur experiences with this tactic of his, it seemed kind of odd, but I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist! Don't put this on yourself. If he leaves, that's up to him..You're not obligated to be with him, nor do you owe him anything if he does leave and divorce his wife. He should be fine on his own if he truly wants a divorce. Don't ever be his safe landing spot! You two aren't 'friends' anymore, that shipped sailed as soon as the affair started. Any platonic and innocence in that friendship is gone forever, you can't get that back. Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I got the exact same e-mail. Hmmmm......wonder it it's circulating on some cheaters web site and my guy just cut and paste. ) Quickly. He was busted a few months back. Was thrown out and was momentarily ecstatic to finally be out of a bad/dead marriage. He admitted that he didn't have the balls to leave the marriage on his on accord. Thus, he was like a kid when their parents go away for the weekend. Yet, when the reality of living like a big boy on his own came rolling in he panicked. He has a "little meltdown" at my apartment in which he actually said, "She took care of everything. Like, if I left sink in the dish I knew it would be in the dish ware." I wanted to scream, "Grow up!" Next day I get the same e-mail. I take it as he's running back and wants to keep me lingering just in case things don't work out. I was hurt and shocked and pray that I have the strength not to take him back should he come running back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Why are you having an affair with someone who you said isn't a good "catch"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Esoteric Elf Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Therapist=Another Girl Link to post Share on other sites
spinningwheels Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Many moons ago I was told the same thing....it was so he didn't have to explain his week long absence from me while he was on vacation with another woman!!! I call bull! Sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 I've read the opposite. That it's essential the MM does not cut off contact with the OW unless he himself so wishes. It should not be caused by an initiative of the therapist. The MM has through the OW come in contact with his long lost emotional self and thus being forced to cut contact with the OW can prove detrimental to this new found rediscovery of himself. Trinity, with respect, no one, therapist, BS, AP or otherwise can make the WS do something they don't want to do. Not all WS come into contact with their emotional self through the AP, yours may do so, but some A's are destructive and it sounds like the OP is happy to be NC (awful lot of acronyms). If the WS goes to therapy and the purpose of therapy is for him to reconnect with his marriage a therapist would of course suggest that the marriage cannot be worked on if there is an AP, otherwise all three would be in therapy Ye Gads!! Either way, it seems to be working for the AP and she has moved on but is mourning the friendship, sorry to say that once the friendship to affair line was crossed, the lines became blurred and I doubt they will ever be defined. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeanie12 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Hi, I just wanted to post an update here. So I have started seeing someone new and this morning at 6:06 the xMM emailed me, (he thinks 6:06 is our magic time....yeah 50 years old and he thinks that!). His email said "I miss you, it has been a hard week not talking to you." My response was "I am seeing someone new now. Take care" THEN, you know it, the barrage of hurt emails came flooding in, as if I had done something wrong!!!! I was quite taken aback by the selfishness of someone with whom I had been friends for 15 years. Yes, it's true, the friendship now cannot be recovered. I'm the happiest I have ever been and to OW out there, you have the power to just do it! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Jeanie, happy to hear that you have found someone of interest for you! In regards to your OP, therapy is going to be specific to the client, the ultimate goals of the client, and the needs to get there. So yes it could be a recommendation of the therapist depending on his needs and ultimate goal. In regards to his reaction, I am sorry for that he should know that as a MM, that is the gamble one takes taking on a mistress, that she is free to go and see whomever she wishes. If he wants to lock you down, he knows what to do. Outside of that . . . well what I would tell my guy, you snooze you lose. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 must be when he leaves the house or goes home in the evening. Typical, really. And sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Magic time!!!! Hhahaaa... Hilarious!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 must be when he leaves the house or goes home in the evening. Typical, really. And sad. Could be his wife's shower schedule Link to post Share on other sites
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