clipper412 Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 please read this. i need help, advice, soemthing. i'm so confused i want to do the RIGHT thing... but everytime i go in the direction that i think is right... i feel uneasy and turn around..... so here's my story.... sorry it's long.. please bear with me... (p.s. no one i mention in this is married or have kids) i met a guy 2 years ago. he was single at the time. we "Dated" for about 4 months if that.. maybe a little less... he then went back to his ex girlfriend that he had lived with 2 years prior (i never knew of a ex or that he was recently seperated until he went back to her)... i broke it off and told him i couldn't talk to him anymore...... within a month we were talking again. we couldn't seem to seperate ourselves from eachother. then he tried to contine seeing me.. and i told him no, as long as you have a girlfriend i can't see you. he tried to pull the "well if we're with eachother one more time and it feels right maybe we were meant to be together" thing. and i said no.... we stopped all contact for about a month. he then contacts me once again telling me that he wants to just have a physical relationship with me becasue he misses me so much. i dont' say yah but i give into talking to him again. of course in me talking to him, i got wrapped up into the emotional aspect of it all and i began to care about him alot and i wanted him with me. to be honest, in the beginning i was with him knowing he had a girlfriend at home because i thought maybe the guilt woudl get to him and he'd leave her.. yes that's EXTREMELY selfish of me and i'll admit that ... we continue to see eachother for about 6 months.... i then get a boyfriend... and i want nothing to do with him (the other guy) anymore.... but he wont' let up... and being the weak confused girl i am.... i give into the emotional side and tell myself that i care about him and really want to be with him and can't stop so i give in and i cheat on my boyfriend 2 times. me and my boyfriend end up breaking up after a short relationship for other reasons....... me and the other guy still talk every single day but don't see eachother anymore... we never ended anything we just stopped hanging out for whatever reason..... so about 9 months since i cheated on my boyfriend him we finally make plans to see eachother again.... as i said we talked every single day almost. the longest we'd ever go without talking would be i say less than a month..... so we see eachother again, even knowing it was completely wrong, we immediatly get hooked into the whole "affair" again. we then again start seeing eachother.... this lasts about another 6 months till things started getting akward...... he told me he loved me.... and after that everything went haywire..... i started feeling tremendous amounts of guilt for his girlfriend.... i started having extremely deep feelings for him.... and he started to become more and more and more distant from me..... we then cut it off... he basically told me he has a girlfriend that he can't leave and that he loves and cares about me but he loves and cares about her just the same but they have history together so he can't leave that.... we basically end it at that... (that was a little messy but yah...) then 2 months of very very little contact..... he contacts me again and he tells me how much he misses me and wants to see me again.... of course i miss him too or so that's how i feel. even though i know it's wrong because he has a girlfriend.... i feel i really do care about him and i just want him a part of my life no matter how it is... (sometimes i ask myself why would i want someone like him in my life?!) sooo then the affair continues again for another 6 months.. and that's where we're at now basically..... during these last 6 months of us being together so many things have happened and changed. things got really physical and very emotional... he told me he fell in love with me.... and all this .... blah blah blah..... again the guilt started to eat away at me and i couldn't handle it anymore and i cut it off again one more time.... and he agreed again saying yah... we need to just be FRIENDS because what i want out of him he can't give me. and then of course within a week he stopped by my work and we started seeing eachother again........ after that though he had sort of been distant from me.... things have been akward... he'd always make plans, then always flake... and i did some detective work and foudn out that he was hanging out with yet ANOTHER girl.... who knows how many others too.. but yah.... soo i started to stop being selfish about all of this and take a step back and look at his girlfriend..... basically he has been cheating on her for half the length of their relationship, hanging out with another girl and who knows how many others.... i felt that she needed to know before she decides to get married to him, have kids and start a future with him.. basically she deserves to know the truth and can then make the decision of what she chooses to do from there...... since i never knew about her or ever met her .... i had to go to one of their mutual friends and ask for some advice / help on how to get a hold of her. i told her the whole honest story and she told me that THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED in a month.... that came as a TOTAL SHOCK and suprise to me! i had NO IDEA! she asked me the last time i had saw him and i told her 2 weeks ago. and she said "the reason i asked was becasue they got engaged back in february or maybe a little before then" so basically he has been seeing me their entire engagement, never mentioned one thing ever.. and there have been plenty of golden opportunities for him to say something especially when either one of us tried to cut it off..... and i just felt even more guilty for what i've done to her.... and her friend said that she should knwo the truth and provided me with her phone number...... i tried to call her and she never picked up.... so then i called him... right when i was learning about all of this.... he was still trying to see me... having no idea that i knew he was engaged.... i started to believe he was NEVER going to tell me about this engagement!!! sooo anyway... i called him and i told him i had to cut it off and not see him or talk to him anymore. and he was caught off guard and had no idea why..... i didn't want to tell him but i ended up just giving in cause i couldn't hold back any longer..... i told him i found out they were getting married and that i was planning on telling his gf/fiance about me. he got sooo mad that i would even consider doing such a thing. he said it was between him and her and that it's out of my character to do something like that and that i shouldn't threaten him and that she wouldn't want to know becasue it would destroy her. and i told him that he should tell her then just so she knows the truth and he said she wouldnt' want to know..... and he tells me that he is getting married becasue he was pressured into it ... but thinks that it'll give him a direction in his life that he needs.... he again wraps me all up in the emotional aspect of everything and tries to be my friend after all this. telling me how he doesn't want to lose me and that he cares about me and that i know alot about him and that he feels sad everytime he thinks he can't talk to me.... i didn't know what to do..... i said ok we can be friends... called him said no we can't be friends.... and then called him back and said i don't know what i want... but i dont' hate you and if you want to say hi in 5 months than do it... if i never hear from you again then so be it....... and i completely got over telling his girlfriend anything about us......... till now....... so basically now i'm at square one and this is where i need the advice / help ....... basicaly i think she NEEDS and DESERVES to know the truth..... to be honest YES i will admit i was at fault in this situation just as much as he was... i'll also be honest and say no matter what anyone thinks or how it looks, i DO NOT want to tell her this to break them up. if i really did i would have doen that so long ago....... i just feel so so so guilty about everythign and i can't sit here and let her walk down the isle with a man that she believes to be 100% faithful to her and loves her completely..... not knowing he has the whole other life she is completely unaware of.... i just feel she should be able to make the decision of the kinda guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with... if she chooses to work this all out then so be it and that's more amazing and i wish them the best of luck. but atleast she gets that choice..... so here's where it gets sticky..... i already told him i tried to call her.... for all he knows i only have her phone number..... but i have his address too; he doesn't know that i know i have that..... so i am afraid to call her now after talking to him..... i don't really know if it's my place to tell her anything at all or not... i don't know if she really wants to know or if i should just move on and let her find out on her own somewhere down the line? i really really don't know??? basically at this point... i kept thinking how she needed to know the truth..... so my friend wrote a anonymous letter to her.... i haven' t sent it.... i'm scared. i don't want him to think it's me that wrote it...but of course that will be his immediate reaction... that's what i'm most afraid of... their reaction..... what will he tell her if she gets it???? what will he say about me?? will she believe the letter?? what will she try to do to me??? will she let him sweet talk her ??? i know he try everything he can to make it look like he has done absolutly no wrong at all...... i mean people are capable of anything nowadays. and im just scared. as i said i want to do the RIGHT thing.... and even though i've done the wrong thing for the last 2 years... i admit that.. and i want to do good now.... i've done wrong now all i can do is right..... right?? i keep getting mixed messages. some saying no stay out of it. focus on me. move on with my life. he has problems let him be. let her find out on her own... then i have another side saying she deserves to know, i'd want to know.. it's better to find out before she gets married, maybe it'll make them stronger ect. ect...... to be honest i have more people saying to tell her than to not.... buttt WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!?!? sorry this is long... but yesss. i need HELP! i have the anonymous letter ready to go.. not sent yet though.. but ready and then deal with the consequences after...... like is he going to make me out to look like a complete psychopath? is the fact that she'll be so mad at me for doing this to her (cheating with her boyfriend/fiance) that it'll be easier for him to play on the fact that i'm "crazie"????..... or should i just avoid all that..... and try to avoid him as much as possible.... and just try to move on with my life and let them mess up theirs???? i'm so so so confused. half says TELL HER the other says.... the retaliation is going to be worse than you expect so i get discouraged........ please help me...!!!!!! i need all i can get! p.s. i have the anonymous letter my friend has written to send her... if it'll help i'll show you and maybe it'll make more sense and it'll help in a way tell me if it's a good idea or not??? i don't know ! just a option i guess Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 I couldn't resist telling you that you are real trailer trash.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author clipper412 Posted August 17, 2004 Author Share Posted August 17, 2004 those are some AMAZING words of advice right there. 2 big thumbs up to you! Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Pay no attention and DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS! It may be helpful to see the letter, but as the H of a cheating wife, I have to tell you; the girlfriend DOES need to know before she marries this worthless dog. Give her the opportunity to make an informed decision. I don't think I would try to do it anonymously though. If you are truly and forever done with this guy, you may need documentation for a restraining order etc. in the worst case. I don't see much in the way of retaliation coming your way, but better to err on the side of caution. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Pay no attention and DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS! I think you should tell her. I don't think its fair for her to pledge her life, heart, soul, mind, and body to a man who isn't doing the same for her. Besides, what if she gets an STD from this guy? I k now that if I were in her position, that I wouuld want to be told. She's being duped by this guy whom she thinks loves her. Sure, she'll be devastated, but she'll move on, and she'll be a better person for it. On a personal note for you, it will absolve some of your guilt. I know you must feel badly for this, but you're on the right track. It takes guts to come to a forum and bare your life for everyone to see. It takes more guts to come back and READ what people post. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 If you're going to do it, then OWN IT. No anonymous letters or getting someone else to do the dirty work for you. She's going to need some kind of validation that this is not some joke or some jealous ex-girlfriend trying to mess things up. You know her fiance is going to pull out all the arsenal in his doggy bag of tricks to convince her that you are just some looney psycho that has a crush on him. Deny. Deny. Deny...and he'll go down with that ship taking you with him. If your intentions are truly admirable and you're really concerned about "saving" this women from marrying a jerk...and it has nothing at all to do with wanting "revenge"...then stand beside her FACE TO FACE and see it through to the end. If you refuse to back it up, and would prefer to hide...then stay hidden. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 I wish I had thought to say that. Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Originally posted by overseas2004 I couldn't resist telling you that you are real trailer trash.... Hey where are the mods on this one??? Hahaha! I have to say that your actions aren't very respectful and I agree you shouldn't do this without letting her know who YOU are and all that you have told us, don't make it seem all HIS fault OWN your part as well! Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 Yoy know what you did was wrong, so yes, own up to it . I think that if more and more women would just stick up for one another maybe these cheating spouses/SO would die off a little. And vise versa. I would want to know no matter what. I would want to know definetly. I would want to know before I waste my life, risk my health, and before I would waste a lot of money getting a divorce when if I would of known before.. you get the picture. Also if your worried about the cheater being mad at you? Well this would be one way of getting him off your back right? Also you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. TELL HER AND GOOD LUCK Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 couldn't resist telling you that you are real trailer trash.... Take the plank out of your own eye before you pull the splinter from hers.... Comments like that does not help, just wait until you have a situation to post..I'm sure you wouldn't need a stupid ignorant and mean comment like that. Are you perfect? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts