I need a mans input please.................

[lonley yet not alone]

My husband and I have been married for 4 & 1/2 years. We have lived together for 7 years. We have a four and two year old girls. For the last few months it seems that we have just drawn further and further apart. From the outside looking in it looks like a perfect family. I'm a stay at home mom and he works. Last week we finally got into it. Well my feelings got in the way and I asked if he wanted a divorce. Beyond my belief he said maybe. I guess I knew it was coming. We don't have anything to talk about. There are no emotions between us. Yet I do still love him so much. Yet I don't know if I 'm still in love with him. How do I get that love back? The only thing I can figure is the following. We fell in love with each other seven years ago. We are no longer those two people. We grew up and when we did it looks like we grew into two people with nothing in common. I want that love back. I want that google gouggle filling again. I've been with him my whole adult life. How do I let that go? I know nothing else. Thou I can't go own living filling alone. Yet I will never file for divorce for myself because that would be selfish. I would never put my children through that. I just want a mans outlook. Tell me how to get that love back.

[Yikes]

If you want to make things work then get into some couples counselling. Things rarely get better all on their own. For years, I struggled in my marriage. My wife became more and more distant, she became more and more unhappy. I tried everything that I could with no avail. Eventually I discovered why my efforts were going un-rewarded, she had been having an affair the whole time. (with one of my so called best friends)

 

In hind sight, if I could do things over, I'd have got us into counselling way back when she first seemed to drift. Instead I believed her excuses and stayed the course. We have now been separated for just over a year, soon to be divorced and share the kids a week about. You only live once and everyone deserves to be happy. If you want it to work, enlist some help in getting your marriage back on track. If it's fix-able, and it's what you really want, then work at it. If it's not fix-able, then you may as well move on sooner rather than later. In any case you both need to do some honest soul searching, as painful as that might be.

 

Good luck.

[DazednConfused]

I was gonna post my advice, but Yikes did such a good job, there is no need. So I will just say Good Luck to you.

[Samson]

There are no emotions between us. Yet I do still love him so much. Yet I don't know if I 'm still in love with him.

 

Hmmm.................little confused huh: No emotion, You love him, You don't know if you really do........................Yes, quite familiar territory. Yikes could be right. The counselling thing works, but only if YOU ARE BOTH INTO IT. Based on your post, I don't think your husband is there.

 

Both you and Yikes are victims of the myths surrounding marriage that traps people into what has become the social equivalent of a "military industrial complex." Large portions of our economy, government, religions depend on people becomming and staying MARRIED. Happily, this is changing for the better and many people are delaying marriage decisions, committed to prenuptual agreements, or making the wise choice to simply remain single. Unhappily, divorce is still difficult and expensive.

 

So how do you keep the original love of your marriage alive? Predictably, this has grown into its own industry as the very concept of marriage becomes more and more of an anachronism. I'm sure that you could spend thousands$$$$$$ gaining information about the subject, then find he's not interested.

 

Sorry to say this but only HE and it seems, YOU, are responsible for feelings lost and gained No amount of $$$$ or your energies will bring them back if he doesn't deeply desire them.

[Yikes]

I agree with Samson, you BOTH need to want this too work for counselling to be of any value at all.

 

I'd also like to add that you both need to be brutally honest during your counselling sessions, and it maybe painfull. My wife ducked, dodged and out and out lied during our sessions. No amount of couselling is going to fix anything under those circumstances.

 

You both have some tough decisions ahead and the right decisions are rarely the easy ones.

 

Best.

[beautiful]

I know you wanted a "guys" advice however I read your post and wanted to give you a woman's point of view.

 

You can not get that love back you once had! Forget that one really fast. It will not happen! You now have a different kind of love for him and that is ok.

 

People grow in relationships and sometimes they grow in different directions. That's normal life stuff. Both of you are different people now and that is ok.

 

To me, counseling is way overated. However if that is the way for you, go for it.

 

I am not sure how fast you met and at what age because that has a lot to do with that as well.

 

"IN LOVE" most people confuse that one with "IN LUST" which is mostly in the beginning of all relationships. It goes away.

 

I think you have some issues within yourself that has zero to do with your husband or marriage and that needs to be dealt with on your own terms.

 

Good Luck in your journey.

[Oddone]

I've been separated for 2 years this fall and was married for 12 years but were together for 15 years. Gotta tell you that your story is a familiar one. It's always easier to look back and think you rushed into it and you really didn't know each other as people etc...

 

The reality is that no matter where you start off, we evolve as people as we experience life and what it brings us in terms of good, bad and sometimes ugly. Where you find yourselves sometimes is comparing who he was or she was with who they've become and how different they are. Well the same happens to both people. In many ways we become different in our looks, our attitude about life and people. We are older and we have more responsibility and stress of jobs etc...

 

The other problem is that too many people live their life based on an ideal or an example that perhaps their parents set or what they believe to be "the right thing" to do at certain points in their life i.e. get married, have kids, buy a house, get a certain type of job. People need to do what feels right for them at a time that suits them and not based on an ideal. It's just food for conflict and bitterness down the road.

 

It is possible to love someone in a different way. Love can be different early on because it is based on initial physical attraction followed by the romance and excitment of learning about a new love. Then as life progresses we fall in love with a woman who bares us beautiful children or in a father who clearly adores and protects his children. These can solidify a relationship and carry it through for the long run. Again too many people want to be in love in the same way as when they first met someone...impossible.

 

People need to be open to change in their relationship and when you find yourselves at a crossroads, you need to be honest with each other about what you want from the relationship. After that, the decision is either yes I am willing and able to make or accept that change or no it is not in me to accept it. If it's the latter then it really is best to part ways and be happy.