kandygurl22 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Is it still considered an OW relationship if he is legally separated, not in the same bed, not intimate at all (this i know for sure) and doesn't speak to his wife aside from household issues yet they are in the same house for financial reasons and for the young kids? I know she hates him, she wants him out ASAP and for him to sort out his finances so she can move on too. He seems to be stalling because he doesn't want to financially ruin himself too and not be able to support the kids how they need to be which is understandable, and he doesn't even know where to start. He's a stress-head. The only problem I have is that he has all this drama at home, he's busy at work, I hardly see him lately. Also the fact that since he hasn't been separated for a whole year yet even though they've been sleeping apart since before I met him, they haven't told their respective families about the separation yet until they have a solid plan to follow through with the divorce. That also means they both agreed they shouldn't really be dating yet until one moves out and she would get angry if she found out he was dating already and he's worried it will affect how much he sees the kids in the long run and having smoother agreements to see them outside of custody arrangements etc But it still kinda annoys me that it's all still a big secret. I know he truly does love me but it's turned into an indefinite waiting game for him to sort his crap out and I don't know how long I should stay around before I'm just wasting my time (It's been 10 months already). It kinda sucks but do you think it'd be in my best interests to bow out at this point and perhaps if I still feel the same we can start fresh and he can contact me when he manages to move out and have some kind of stability to offer me? I love him, but this situation really sucks. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Have you verified that the separation is in fact legal??? They are public court records if one has been filed. ;) You should check, like yesterday. Many things in your post make me highly suspicious that you are being lied to and there is NO separation at all, he is just another lying mm. Yup. This is not an uncommon story. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kandygurl22 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Have you verified that the separation is in fact legal??? They are public court records if one has been filed. ;) You should check, like yesterday. Many things in your post make me highly suspicious that you are being lied to and there is NO separation at all, he is just another lying mm. Well he offered to send me a copy of the papers and was insisting on it when I accused him of if it was even legal but I said no cause I didn't want to look so insecure. I've read texts between him and his wife and she absolutely positively hates him and wants him gone too. Really? If you could tell me what makes you suspicious I'd appreciate it... Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 The only problem I have is that he has all this drama at home, he's busy at work, I hardly see him lately. Also the fact that since he hasn't been separated for a whole year yet even though they've been sleeping apart since before I met him, they haven't told their respective families about the separation yet until they have a solid plan to follow through with the divorce. That also means they both agreed they shouldn't really be dating yet until one moves out and she would get angry if she found out he was dating already and he's worried it will affect how much he sees the kids in the long run and having smoother agreements to see them outside of custody arrangements etc But it still kinda annoys me that it's all still a big secret. He's lying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 He is giving you all the classic lies that MM feed the OW (finances, the kids, etc). Are you there at night to verify they don't sleep in the same bed? No. This may be true some of the time, but I'm sure they have their nights and I'm sure they have sex every now and then. If they are worried about the kids, wouldn't the kids wonder why daddy isn't sleeping where he usually does? Don't waste another day. Tell him to call you when the divorce is FINAL. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 He's lying. His a$$ off... U sure he's "busy at work" or is he busy begging his W to take him back?...protect ur heart...just saying... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 No, I don't think you are an OW if he is in fact legally separated, as long as he then proceeds to the divorce process. But legally separated people don't live in the same house as their W and they don't come up with excuses as to why they can't tell people they are separated. And they typically move on with their lives - meaning they date, out in the open, or at least they make movements in that direction if they are interested in other people. He would not be hiding you if he were truly separated. There is nothing in your post that indicates that he is actually legally separated. In fact every red flag is there to say that he is feeding you a line. Even if he IS separated, the fact that he hasn't moved out of his house and they haven't told anyone are huge issues. Separated isn't divorced. Just ask me, who dated a separated (not living with his W for many months) guy who eventually went back to his M. Unless you want much grief and pain, bow out and tell him to call you if and when he has divorce papers in his hand. Separation means nothing. I would also advise you not to make too many judgments such as "his W hates him and wants him gone" based solely on some text messages you saw from her and/or what the MM has told you. Trust me, you know only one tiny portion of what's really going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kandygurl22 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 thank you for all your responses guys. i guess if i had to ask the question in the first place then that feeling of doubt is there for a reason. you're all right. there's always that feeling in my gut that something is off. now i just need to find the strength to move on and cut this off, he always emotionally blackmails me and tells me everything i want to hear when i want to leave but i'm just absolutely drained from this, i can't keep it going for my own sanity. i'm too young to get caught up in someone else's mess anyway. i wish i didn't love him. at the same time i absolutely hate him for making me become this insecure miserable girl that i never used to be. why is this so hard. sigh... i may just accept a date for tomorrow with a nice single guy my age ive been talking to lately! im not ready to get into anything serious, im not really THAT interested in him more than a friend but do you think this may help me open my eyes that there are guys out there that want to treat me right? how did you guys get over your MM? these kind of relationships are addictive in the most toxic way. yet i am still so scared to lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 This is why I always say don't date anyone until the D is FINAL! He's there with her - by choice! Anyone who WANTS to be away from someone that hates them FINDS A WAY OUT ASAP! He hasn't. And he may never leave! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 The wife who wants him gone and hates his guts would do backflips that she wants him back to work on the M if she finds about you. What you said about their separation sounds like it's a trial of sorts. How would the families not know? Or a lie to begin with. Best thing for you is to say "let me know when you're divorced and ready to move on. Bye bye." You staying as an option encourage him to try to keep the best of both worlds. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 If all his friends and family don't know about you - and that he plans to divorce - then your just his secret - and THAT makes it wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
confused137 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Id be very careful with this. I've been with my husband for 6 years and married for 1 year. We started in the exact sane position as this except he was married for 13 years and we are now getting a divorce. I recently found out while he was "busy working on the house" He was banging his ex wife and seeing if things could work out between them. The only reason he stayed with me was because i was pregnant. She has always been in our lives and he always refers to her as his best friend. Not saying all men are the same but mine had his cake and ate it to. Funny enough he still does except we are now seperated and waiting for the divorce to go through. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Is it still considered an OW relationship if he is legally separated, not in the same bed, not intimate at all (this i know for sure) and doesn't speak to his wife aside from household issues yet they are in the same house for financial reasons and for the young kids? Yes. It's an affair and you're the OW. You actually answered your own question in your thread. See the bolded part. The only problem I have is that he has all this drama at home, he's busy at work, I hardly see him lately. Also the fact that since he hasn't been separated for a whole year yet even though they've been sleeping apart since before I met him, they haven't told their respective families about the separation yet until they have a solid plan to follow through with the divorce. That also means they both agreed they shouldn't really be dating yet until one moves out and she would get angry if she found out he was dating already and he's worried it will affect how much he sees the kids in the long run and having smoother agreements to see them outside of custody arrangements etc But it still kinda annoys me that it's all still a big secret. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 thank you for all your responses guys. i guess if i had to ask the question in the first place then that feeling of doubt is there for a reason. you're all right. there's always that feeling in my gut that something is off. now i just need to find the strength to move on and cut this off, he always emotionally blackmails me and tells me everything i want to hear when i want to leave but i'm just absolutely drained from this, i can't keep it going for my own sanity. i'm too young to get caught up in someone else's mess anyway. i wish i didn't love him. at the same time i absolutely hate him for making me become this insecure miserable girl that i never used to be. why is this so hard. sigh... i may just accept a date for tomorrow with a nice single guy my age ive been talking to lately! im not ready to get into anything serious, im not really THAT interested in him more than a friend but do you think this may help me open my eyes that there are guys out there that want to treat me right? how did you guys get over your MM? these kind of relationships are addictive in the most toxic way. yet i am still so scared to lose him. Tell him that you don't want to be a secret so therefore you can't be his OW anymore. Explain to him that you love him but you are going on with your life and when the does divorce, to give you call so you two can go on a real and proper date out in public. He can't have it both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 sigh... i may just accept a date for tomorrow with a nice single guy my age ive been talking to lately! im not ready to get into anything serious, im not really THAT interested in him more than a friend but do you think this may help me open my eyes that there are guys out there that want to treat me right? Once you have been in an affair with a MOM you will feel little attraction for available single men. The MOMs usually know what to say and they are more charming, smooth, and vibrant. They tend to show more interest. They generally court women more effectively because they have a narrower audience (women that over look the marital status). OTOH, single men tend to be less attentive and less charming, probably because they have more options than MOMs. I also see this difference in women. Single women are not as interested in jumping into bed when compared to a potential MOW on the prowl. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Pierre, I don't know where you get that insane idea. There are MANY women who date single guys after dating a MM and are very happy and very excited by them. You make it sound like they caught an incurable disease. OP: if they are legally separated, then no you are not the OW BUT does the legal standing really matter that much? What matters is your priorities and needs. Are they being met? There are many guys, single as well, who are tangled with others, family, etc who do not prioritize their SO. In all cases if you are feeling second, that feeling is the most important piece to focus on. Is he giving you what you need? It doesn't sound like it. But as stated, you can look up court records for the separation if you want to verify. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 The wife who wants him gone and hates his guts would do backflips that she wants him back to work on the M if she finds about you. ^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^ Read this over and over again until you know it by heart...Print it out and paste it all over ur walls...She will do everything in her power to get him back SOLEY so you can't have him...whether she hates him or not...she'll hate you more... Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Okay . . . but you have declared that statement on two different threads in just the last few days stating it as fact to the OPs. You did not say, some are like this, you did not quantify it in any manner but made a black and white statement as if it were fact. And it is not fact. It is your opinion and nothing more. Sure, there are some people that do only date MP. There are some people that never date MP. There are some people that date a few MP and a few SP, and everything in between. Generalizing is lazy thinking. Don't be guilty of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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