Have I lost her?

[Bean37]

Hi. I'm a recently divorced 37 year old male and have been seeing a recently divorced 28 year old gal. We both have two kids each from our previous marriages (mine are 4 and 8 while hers are 18 months and 4). Her children and I have great relationships and she has met mine about half a dozen times. But my children don't know that we are seeing each other. I've attempted to take this slowly because of the 8 year old. I don't want him to reject because we are seeing each other.

 

We've been together and have had been very open with each other (no secrets) for about the last 9 months spending every moment we could together, evening spending the nights. I complemented her and told her that I loved her very much every chance I got. We talked about everything, I thought it was perfect.

 

She had been after me for a couple of months to move in and we have talked about our goals and a future marriage. I am sooo much in love with her and I thought she was with me too. We would argue with each other about who loved who more. I have never had feelings this strong for anyone before in my life.

 

Everything up until this past weekend was absolutely terrific. We spent every moment together, we talked every morning and night when I was on my business trips. This last trip I was out of town for three weeks but got back for three one day trips to see her throughout the trip. This has been normal, part of my job. Then out of the blue she is doubting how she feels for me, doesn't want to see me and won't talk to me. All I've gotten out of her is that she has such a feeling of uncertainty, that I didn't do anything, and that she needs some space. I can't live with that. This is tearing me apart. I miss her immensely. And it's only been three days. I'm afraid that I have lost her. I've sent her roses and written her two separate four page letters telling her how I feel and attempted to make guesses at what I may have done.

 

I keep asking myself what I have done? What did I say? Was it something I didn't do or say?

 

Have I lost her or will she come around and talk to me? I feel like a child, my heart has been ripped out. Help!

[Tony T]

You need to wait this one out. No more letters to her...no more flowers. You've already way overdone it. She's the one that has wronged you, why should you kiss her ass for doing that?

 

It was nothing you said, nothing you did. So don't screw your whole mind up thinking about it.

 

There could be so many things happening here your mind could not comprehend. But I will discuss the most likely. Before I do, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about any of them. Don't try to do anything more. The more you approach her, send her letters, candy, flowers, stuff, etc., the more irritated she will be at you at this point.

 

Possibility #1: She is a recently divorced 28 year old with two kids. She has had TWO kids with someone she obviously loved enough to do that with. You only know what she has told you. Because she has kids she has interaction with her ex. She probably spilled the beans to him that she was thinking about moving in with you. Her ex probably went into a rage of jealousy. Maybe he threatened to take her to court to get the kids if she moved in with another man without marriage. Or maybe he took the high road and, out of jealousy, convinced her to try things again.

 

Possiblity #2: Somebody has been talking to her. They have warned her about how difficult blended families are so difficult to work out. They have advised her to wait a while before doing anything major, like moving in with a man or getting married. Depending on who it is talking to her, they may have incredible influence over her.

 

Possibility #3: Her ex may have cheated on her...that may have been one of the problems. She may have got to thinking, or was prompted to think, about the fact that you are out of town a lot as part of your job with lots of opportunities to mess with other women. Maybe one of her friends or confidants made her feel you were looking for someone to take care of your kids while you were out of town. Maybe she has problems with YOUR ex, suspicious you may get back with her, cheat with her, etc. Fact is, when you have kids, you have contact with the ex for many years.

 

I could go on all day with possiblities. But I have set forth enough so that you can tell nothing you said or did had anything to do with her sudden withdrawal.

 

What you did learn from this experience is that she is highly non-communicative. If she can take such a drastic step as ceasing a relationship without discussing the problems or causes with you beforehand, it is likely she would make a very poor partner. You don't need that. This could be a gift from heaven and her inability to communicate may be the reason she is divorced.

 

Just sit back, go through the hurt, and just pretend you've seen the last of her. As time goes on, you will become really pissed. I have trained myself to get instantly pissed when stuff like this happens so I am mad at her right now. She has done you filthy dirty. So when the time is right, you will really be peeved and will not want her back under any circumstances.

 

When we first meet someone and for a honeymoon period thereafter, everything can seem abolutely perfect and lovely in every way. Sometimes this period lasts only a few weeks. It can last up to three or four years in rare cases. Your honeymoon with this babe ended abruptly.

 

In the event she does see the evil of her ways, or if her alternative plans don't work out if she has made some, and she approaches you about getting back together, don't make it easy for her. The trust you had for her has all but disappeared. You will forever wonder if she will pull this kind of caper off again. Talk things out and don't be easy. What she did was very serious. Don't even remotely consider staying with her any longer unless her explanation, if you do get one, is very plausible and very forgiveable.

 

You obviously haven't dated in a while...but this sort of thing happens a lot, with or without kids. People are very complex. Welcome back to the wacky world of single people.