She's non-orgasmic but has many man crushes

[cre8r]

Can anyone relate to this and/or have answers? My girlfriend has had a multitude of crushes on men, past and present, of acquaintances and celebrities alike. However she's never had an orgasm (she's approaching mid 50's and still very attractive) and to me, this is very confusing. She's only had sex with 3 other men in her past and claims she never enjoyed sex because it caused her pain. But she does enjoy sex with me, but still no orgasm. So the question is, how could a woman be so crazy about men without experiencing an orgasm? What's the "payoff"?

 

On a side note, it's been difficult to maintain love for someone who is so interested in other men. I know it sounds like insecurity on my part, but I can't help but get naturally turned off by someone that has an interest in so many other men. I absolutely loved and adored her but between the "frigidity" and crushes, I don't feel the same as I used to.

 

Feel free to offer any words of support or answers, especially if there are any women that can identify with my girlfriend.

[GSB81]

I feel ya about the crush thing. Is your woman on any meds?

[Mint Sauce]

not sure if I can offer words of support, but I can relate somewhat in the sense that my ex-gf was non-orgasmic, went frigid after a while in each of her ltr's, and easily had a crush on someone (although perhaps not to the extreme you describe). She expressed having a low libido, but interestingly she did experience highly sexual dreams...

 

The bad news is that she ended up cheating on me, exactly because of a desire for sex (or for the confirmation that comes from being felt desired by a man), which she could only experience in a "casual" context.

 

My extrapolation (as stupid as that sounds) would be that many non-orgasmic/frigid women don't just have a natural low libido. Rather they are held captive by a set of internal inconsistent forces, and this will ultimately render their behavior unpredictable.

 

Tread carefully, I'd say.

 

How long have you been a couple?

[cre8r]

@GS-yes, she does take some medications but her crushes and anorgasma was before taking any medications. @Mint-we've been living together for 1.5 years, and a LDR was one year before that.

 

To add to the confusion, she has the "men are after only one thing" attitude but she does get along well with them as she does with both sexes. Her 4 closest friends are male (no female friends) but I don't feel they're a threat. Also, she's uncomfortable talking about sex with me but has no problem making sexual jokes around her family and groups of people. Ironically, the jokes have always been about male genitals, absolutely NO OTHER subject matter. I asked her about the jokes and she claims her family and former workplace has always done that.

 

Other info-she's never done recreational drugs and stayed a virgin until she was married at 22, only had sex with her 2 ex husbands but raped by an acquaintance years ago. She's a great person, cares about people, holsum appearance, conservative and claims to love me and wants a future with me, as I did with her. For the most part I feel like I've detached myself emotionally from her but still care very much for her.

[Mint Sauce]

why are you not in couples/sex therapy? Is she not open to that?

 

If you have already started to detach, it's about time you take some action. To be very firm with her: this needs to be addressed, or you loose me.

 

I'm a bit surprised this is still an issue for a woman in her mid 50s. I would assume she either tried to solve it earlier on, or accepted her difficulties and be open about it to you from the beginning, in a take-it-or-leave it fashion.

[sweetkiwi]

Alright man. You're so wrong on so many levels. First of all a frigid woman doesn't have sex. Secondly If she's orgasmic it means she is physically incapable of reaching orgasm. Even by masturbation. Thirdly you said she had sex with three other partners. But one wad rape??? You are aware that rape is not consensual so therefore she has only had sexual intercourse with three men, INCLUDING you.

 

As for her crushes i think its normal to be curious about other people. Through sex she isn't experiencing orgasm so her mind is very charged. I know. Its difficult for me to reach orgasm with a partner but i have no problem through masturbation. Her jokes about sex are just jokes. A healthy way for her to express her sexuality since it is "safe". Talking about sex with you, alone, could be seen as confrontational. And obviously very awkward.

 

I think you're being insecure when you should try to be understanding and non judgmental. That is, of course, IF you EVER want her to let go and open up. If she hasn't dumped you or cheated on you then no amount of crushes will make her. But having a man who isn't understanding and judgmental just may.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would accept that you have constant crushes on other men. I think you know how this will eventually end.

[sweetkiwi]

***anorgasmic

[GSB81]

You need to develop some crushes on other women and gauge her reaction.

[sweetkiwi]

Or he needs to ***tell her about the crushes he already most certainly has remember he said acquaintances and celebrities.

[cre8r]

Thanks for your input Sweet. We have had a limited discussion on sex and masturbation was one of the subjects. She never in her life has masturbated to date, so yes, she's anorgasmic. I found it hard to believe that she never masturbated, but at this point I totally believe her. From what I've heard, if she at least practiced, she'd be able to respond to me. The jury may be out on the "frigid" definition but aside from her anorgasma, I don't feel the warmth from her that I've felt with other women and I'm talking about outside of the bedroom. My previous girlfriends were highly sexual and did respond and didn't have an abundance of interest in other men. She does likes the occasional hug and kiss from me, but then on to continue the task at hand. Very Ozzie and Harriet.

 

I appreciate your thought about her being sexually charged as I'm trying to understand it all and other female viewpoints can help. Thanks.

[pteromom]

Ummmmmmm... crushes have nothing to do with orgasms. How many 12, 13, 16, 18 year old girls have major crushes and have never had sex OR orgasms? A crush is not necessarily about wanting to have sex with someone at all.

 

So these are two separate issues.

 

On the crushes, I have known married women like this before. Ones who are obsessed with certain celebrities and fawn over them. You aren't going to change her, but you have a couple options.

- Explain to her that hearing about her crushes hurts your feelings, and ask if she can dial it down and try not to talk about them in front of you

- Decide that a woman who has crushes on other men regularly just isn't what you want out of a relationship, and end it.

 

On the orgasms, who knows. Maybe she's truly anorgasmic. Maybe she has a low sex drive and has never had the desire to try to have an O. Maybe she has residual issues from her rape that prevent her from letting go sexually. No matter which it is though, the result is the same for you. Your options:

- Ask if she is open to seeing a sex therapist.

- Accept her the way she is and accept that you won't be getting a lot of great sex with her.

- Decide that quality sex with a sexually open partner is important to you, and end the relationship.

[pteromom]

Thinking more about the crushes, this may also be residual issues from the rape. If she puts her attention on men who are unavailable to her, such as celebrities, married friends, etc, she is "safe". She may be scared to be vulnerable in an actual relationship.

[cre8r]

Thanks for your thoughts pteromom. To your point, she claims that I'm making everything sexual and it's the farthest thing from her mind. Perhaps me being a guy, I might be thinking like a guy? Also your residual thought may seem to have merit. Regardless, it's confusing. Thank you.

[AbeNormal]

Well, here is a post that I normally wouldn't make...

 

As for the crushes (and expressing that to you with sexual overtones), I also would find that very unsettling. Rape is an horrific thing, of course, and I hope she has been able to get therapy/advice to help with that - the effects of such an event should not be underestimated.

 

But this post is about the anorgasmic issue you raise. Again, I wouldn't normally make such a post - and this is just a thought. Go to amazon..com and search "Hitachi Magic Wand Massager" under "Health & Personal Care". Look at the listing that has over 500 reviews. See, for example, the review by "Happy Shopper". Of course, I only know this device for its intended purpose as a muscle massager... Once she gets over the initial hump then, well, who knows what the future holds.

Edited December 20, 2012 by AbeNormal

[cre8r]

On the issue of her "rape", apparently the guy was a hot number and had spent a week at her house at one time. Fast forward, while staying with her relatives down south, she visited this guy's house about 40 miles away when the rape occurred. Afterwards, she and the guy went out to dinner before she went back to the relatives and never told anyone about this except for me and a nurse, because she claimed she had to get checked out for either hepatitis or std's about 6 years after the rape. But now I'm skeptical about this so-called rape after an epiphany last week. A few minutes after the first time her and I were having intercourse last year, she asked me to stop, which I did immediately. Which leads me to think she could have said the same thing to the guy who allegedly raped her. By legal definition he very well may have raped her but perhaps she had more control over the situation than she led me to believe. He may have been mid way through sex with her as well. To support my thoughts, all her close friends are male and she doesn't trust women. Even her gynocologist is a male because she thinks a woman "touching her there is just gross". I would think if the rape was so traumatic she would fear men. I asked her why she asked me to stop the first time we had sex, she said she felt guilty because at the time she was still married. She divorced after I came into the picture. Promiscuity grosses her out and she fears going to hell for becoming an adulteress because she's unmarried, having sex with me. Now I'm stumped as to whether I should stick with her or move on. Thanks for reading, again any thoughts other than my own are appreciated. I've just had too damn many lately.

[sweetkiwi]

You are very untrusting with her. It seems like you constantly question her intentions. Not good. I have been molested and it takes different tolls on different people. No one can say how it affects her or even why. My molestations didn't turn me away from all men or all women, as one was by a woman. She needs therapy and you need to stop over analyzing everything she's confided in you.

[GSB81]

When i hear someone has been raped, the image of the scenario that pops into my mind is one of a violent and forceful act that doesnt end in dinner. Was she also kidnapped or...?

[Mint Sauce]

Promiscuity grosses her out and she fears going to hell for becoming an adulteress because she's unmarried, having sex with me.

 

I'm sorry, for you and for her, but she seems like a 14-yro, with all the tension between religious upbringing, sexual identity, etc. that comes with that age, stuck in the body of a 50 yro... If she didn't do any soul searching in the past 5 decades, chances seem low to me that she will ever gain insight in the forces that drive her... You could decide to work on it with her, with sex therapy, regular MC, IC for her, the whole lot... but you risk a very low return-on-investment.

[Pompom]

Really?

 

Here's what. I've slept with lots of men, none has ever given me an orgasm. I enjoyed the sex anyway. I mean, does one NEED an orgasm to like the sex? Does that mean one lets oneself be raped if there is no orgasm? Is sex no fun until the orgasm sets in? Is sex or masturbation no fun just for the touching and the arousal, and the fantasy (masturbation) or the mutual touching, whamming, and, if emotionally connected, the closeness (sex)?

 

And crushes are emotional. An orgasm is mostly physical. A 11-year-old can have a crush on Justin Bieber (sadly), but should he give that girl an orgasm? Probably not. A crush is little more than the romantic, often sexual, interest and infatuation in a person of the gender one is attracted to. A crush, or even a platonic mutual love, can be very enjoyable without sex or orgasms. Butterflies in the stomach, that painfully wide smile when talking to your friends about every breath he takes, the beauty you see in things others would call flaws, etc., is heavenly. An orgasm is nothing but an optional part of sexual acts.

 

Also, you can never know if your crush will sleep with you or even give you an orgasm until he's done it, so by your logic, one would have to develop the crush AFTER having verified the orgasmability. Meaning one would have to sleep with the future crush without attraction or infatuation. Which sounds crappy unlike you're a nymphomaniac like me.

 

But let me talk about those men I slept with for love. They either lasted 2 minutes in my vagina, or made me gag on their dicks for 20 minutes in my mouth, neither of which can possibly give me an orgasm. I still enjoyed it and was very aroused because I was insanely attracted to them. I enjoyed it just for being able to grope and be groped by their hot bodies, hear them moan, and all that. Whatever sexual activity it is, when it's your crush who has finally gone for you, it's the best thing ever. Orgasm or no orgasm.

When I was 8, I had a crush on Michael Jackson. Back then he was still beautiful, and in my opinion, very, very, very. I told my mom I wanted to see a concert of him so I can climb on the stage and marry him I had no idea what sex was all about and was not thinking about it at all, I just adored MJ for his beauty and fame and exotic pets and wanted to touch his beautiful curly hair, that was all. But it was definitely a crush.

 

So to sum things up, unless it's for mindless sex which is also fine, the crush needs to come before the orgasm or otherwise she would not approach him, and the orgasm is optional.