What do I do to get yet another chance?

[un-faith-fully-yours]

I need help! I am losing my mind. I have numerous problems here are some… I have lied to my GF of two and a half years, I have cheated on her, and I think I’m addicted to pornography!

I asked K out two months after I broke off a three year long relationship that was going nowhere. I liked K immediately. We became close very quickly and both fell in love with each other. We spent every day together, going to restaurants, movies, and esp. just lounging at home talking, watching TV and having sex. It was the best sex I’ve ever had! I told her I loved her and would never hurt her, never cheat on her, never leave her, and that my love was unconditional. She said the same to me.

About 18months into the relationship, after a great vacation with her, her mother, and her young son we found out that we were pregnant. Initially I was very excited! We had already talked about marriage and children together… it was just happening in a different order than our discussions… but I had already started being untrue. My own insecurities had me believing that she must not know how little money I really had, and so while we were planning marriage, houses etc… I knew it couldn’t happen in the timeframe we discussed, I just didn’t have the money... and she didn’t either. I couldn’t tell her for fear she’d not want me. I remember bringing up money and the baby when she was about two months pregnant… the discussion turned heated, and at one point I said we can’t afford it (the baby), she took this to mean I wanted her to have an abortion, and I guess a small part of me was considering that… but after a miserable few days, I managed persuade her of the truth, that I desperately wanted her to keep baby, and she agreed….

There were other problems brewing. About a year after asking K out for the first time, and in the mist of feeling the strongest feelings I’ve ever felt for a woman, a new women came to work at the same company I work at (btw K works for the same company too, but in a different location). This new woman, T was unattractive except for a perky her ass (yes. I’m an ass man!), but very flirty. She found excuses to come around me. She liked to come to my office ask work related questions, and then talk about her internet boyfriend, her crisis of faith, and her abusive childhood. I am a very open-minded character and will talk to most anyone about anything, and I like to help where I can. I also have been flirtatious myself, and started flirting back with T. I did tell her however that I was in love with K, and our silly flirting would go no further than what it was. She agreed with me. We did not see each other often, mostly on Saturdays at work, in my office… but when we saw each other, we did flirt a lot, and chatted from time to time on IM. I don’t remember ever instigating the meetings.. It was always T who would come to my office, or call, or IM me. She liked to come in my office, and hug me, and kiss me on the cheek, and tell me I was her best friend ALARM BELLS should have gone off… but I did nothing to really stop her. I think it was a bit of an ego trip … I’ve never felt I was very attractive … and even though she certainly was not, and nothing compared to K I was flattered.

I hardly thought of T at all, and never thought of her while I was with K, she just didn’t cross my mind. It was a bit like the porn I was so used to looking at, like the whole affair with T was just a fantasy, not real.

Before K I used to view porn every day. When I first started dating K I stopped looking at porn all together, but did not delete my collection. It was a good thing because it turned out that K liked porn too… she had not seen some of the kinky hardcore stuff I had, and it seemed to really excite her … I gradually started collecting a little again.

After K became pregnant she started to get really miserable. I now think it was largely my fault, for not being a more supportive BF, and for not asking her to marry me, as we’d discussed. She would hardly smile, and find fault with most everything I did. I would pick her up too late from work, I wouldn’t rub her back long enough, I stopped taking her out. She would complain that I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy, and wasn’t like her husband (her sons father who had died before we met).

I became depressed and didn’t know how to talk to her about it, plus now I had T to talk to … so now when T would come in my office, she’d ask… what’s wrong, tell me about it… and I’d tell T that K was miserable, and making me miserable. T would console me by rubbing my shoulders, and making suggestions about us being together. I like the shoulder rubbing, but was not interested in being with T. I didn’t tell her though. I should have.

Things really started to get ****ty after a shopping trip I took with K to prepare for baby. The trip was good, and K was less miserable than usual. I spent most of my meager savings, but of course I didn’t let on.

When we got back home, and back to work T started with this notion about sending her internet boyfriend topless pictures of herself. She asked if I had a digital camera, and if I would take the pictures. I thought she was joking… I had known her for about a year by that time, and we had flirted a bit… but never been nude, I’d never kissed her, nor really wanted to. I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO! but I didn’t I said sure. So I took four topless pictures, and emailed her the three she wanted. I had to send them twice because I had to resize them, due to her hotmail account limitations. Even then they didn’t send and I had to send them through IM. She asked me to delete the pictures, which I did.. though I was not thorough and I didn’t delete all the copies.

Some weeks later K found the pictures on my laptop, and went ballistic… I couldn’t blame her. K was full term when she found the pictures, our baby was due any day!

She reported T and me to Human Resources and told her manager, and soon the whole company knew.

I felt terrible, and told K the truth about the pictures, but not the whole truth about the time spent in my office with T. It really was not a huge amount of time, but I made it appear even less than it was. K of course didn’t believe that I hadn’t had sex with T, and moved out.

We had little or no contact for almost a full week, then my beautiful little angel was born. K let me in the room while she gave birth, and it was amazing. I loved her and our baby so much!

About a week later I told T that we had to stop flirting, and that nothing was more important than my family. She agreed, and said she was just glad she didn’t get fired.

BUT it didn’t stop... some weeks later she started to come in my office, flirt with me, sit on my lap, and I didn’t stop her. I had lust for her. K and everyone else in the company believed we had had sex, K was angry, and miserable towards me whenever it came in her mind.. so much so that I would expect to be ridiculed every time I saw her… so instead of making the effort to her for lunch, as I always used to I just stayed at work. I was apprehensive going home sometimes. She had told me that if it wasn’t for baby, she would have left me for cheating. She said that sometimes I made her hate having her child.

Well I would do worse… one afternoon, while T was being particularly flirty, my lust got out of control, and while we didn’t have sex we were intimate. Truth is I was initially very excited, but when it came down to it I was flaccid! AND after the intimate moment (really only lasted a few minutes) I was horrified as to what I’d done. I went home and took shower, brushed teeth, mouth washed. I had cheated! For the first time in my life, I cheated. I cheated on the woman I loved most of all my relationships, and the mother of my little angel. I cheated on the woman I want to marry!

After that I put my relationship with T on a professional level, and was even uncomfortable to be around her professionally. Some weeks passed, and T started to try and get close again.. I did not entertain her. I did not care about her at all.

Then one day while I was working and K was home, K went through my laptop and found another copy of the pictures.. WHAT AN ASS I was sure I deleted them. She also found saved, dirty IM messages (autosaved!) and some dirty email from T to me. She lost it.

She beat me from the back seat of the car while we were driving in traffic, until I told her the truth. I told her most everything that day and the following few days. I told her the truth about all my lies… there were many. I told her every dirty secret I could remember. I became born again, after injuring myself in a rage about my actions. I have been really trying… it’s been three weeks now.

She told me she hated me, and that I was evil, that she wanted me dead, that baby wasn’t mine, that I’d never see baby again…..

I really messed up .. but she didn’t leave me! She told me that she does not trust me, and never will.. but she didn’t break up with me.

She told me that she would feel better if I got T fired from the company. I don’t care about T, so I did what I had to do to get her fired.

I told K that I’d never cheat again, never masturbate again without her, never look at porn again with out her, never lie to her again.

She would snicker at my pledges, but say that in spite of what I’d done she loved me and wouldn’t leave me.

Then yesterday, I left work early because I am sick with the flu. When I got home I fired up my new laptop (I smashed the old one in a fit of range against myself, and it) and started it work on a project in front of the TV… for some reason my mind went on porn.. and before I knew it I was in front of one of the old porn sites I used to frequent. I browsed for a minute or less, caught myself and then stopped. I had a slight urge to masturbate, yes... but I remembered that masturbation was not good. Didn’t really feel good, was against gods will, and would hurt K. So I stopped, and it was easy to stop. I was curious, and I overcame it with ease…. I made a mistake though.. I should have told K what I did. For last night, after washing the dishes, washing and sterilizing baby bottles, watching “The Punisher” while rubbing K, all content even with the flu….she asked me… did you masturbate when you came home like you used to? No I said. Did you look at porn? Yes I said just a bit….

She was livid, and told me to do whatever I wanted, coz she was going to do whatever she wanted.

She had threatened to cheat on me for after finding the pictures, but I do not believe she has.. but now I think she really will, and I cannot take it. I told her I can’t take it but she does not care now. She says I have not changed. She says it starts with porn, and I’ll cheat again. I had previously told her porn fueled my lust for T, which is true.

I really can’t lose her.. I don’t know what to do. I feel she is going to cheat on me, try and stop me from seeing my daughter, and also try and rub it in my face. She wants me to hurt like she hurts. What do I do? Is she right about it.. am I a lost cause? I have asked for her help but she says she does not know what to do.

Help.. It’s 5:30 and I’ve been up searching about cheats, and relationships all night….

Oh there is one more thing… We are pregnant again!

[ringo]

My heart goes out to you and yours.... GEEZ! I'm floored reading your story - mostly because usually I read threads from those betrayed and not the betrayer. However, I commend you for acknowledging that you have a problem and seeking help. Whether you see this or not, it's a brave FIRST step. (I wish more could do this!)

 

All I can say is - take what has happened and use these mistakes as lesson learners. Number 1 - don't commit to something you can't commit to 110%. Everyone makes mistakes, but the change needs to be, when you slip - confess, communicate and get back on the horse. Don't give up on yourself.

 

You know what you want, so do you need to change who you are in order to have what you want - or do you need to change just your actions/behaviors to have what you want? Something to think about..

[Velveteel]

It's going to take ACTIONS, not words, to win back K's heart. Get busy on it. And make a clean break from porn and everything else. This could be the most important moment of your life. Do you end up a deadbeat who lost his wife and child(ren) over his sex addiction, or a man of character who overcame something difficult because he had his priorities in order?

 

Do everything she asks of you. My other recommendation? Get the computer out of your house. You probably have one at work that you can use, or you can go (together) down to Kinko's every three days or so to check your email and shop or whatever legitimate thing you use it for. Or keep your computer at a friend's house, and only go there with K. This may sound extreme, but it's more extreme to let the most important relationship in your life slip away.

 

Good luck.

[KaiaMahina]

You got T fired from her job?! Everything you've done is bad enough, but how can you justify getting this woman fired when you're as much to blame for what happened as she is?

 

Whenever a man cheats, it's always the woman he cheats with who gets the sh**y end of the stick. Two wrongs never make a right. This was a mean-spirited thing to do.

[supermom]

Why don't you suggest to K marriage counceling? Even if you are not married, you might as well be, with one child and one on the way.

 

Explain to K that you know what you did was wrong, and that you want to make a serious effort to save your new family.

 

Also with the threat of her willing to cheat, counceling would be your best bet, plus it's an action that will hopefully show her your seriousness.

 

Good luck

[daphne]

Gosh buddy. I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you. It's guys like you that mess up women's heads that go on to mess up other guys' heads.

 

I know you're hurting but it is self imposed. And not only that but you've hurt others. I think you need therapy. It's possible you're a sex addict. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn once in a while, but you dont' seem to have any self control.

 

I hope you get the help you need. Especially for your child's sake.

[un-faith-fully-yours]

Thanks to everyone for the advice, and comments.

 

I am not looking for sympathy, or any form of gratification for my situation/storey. I only seek the thoughts and ideas, and experience of others to aid, and encourage me. Thanks to Ringo, Velveteel, and Supermom for the encouragement. I have quit smoking... 1 month now! I have quit masturbation... almost 2 months now, and I have looked at porn for only 1 minute... to cancel a subscription (plus it was kind of a test to see if my will was strong enough to overcome my desire. I could have masturbated but did not!). Unfortunately due to the nature of my career, I cannot do without a computer, so I will just have to rely on the strength of my will, and my ultimate goal to keep me true to my vow to stop looking at porn/masturbating. I have been "into porn" since I was 13 or 14 I guess, and it will be hard... but I know what I want, I understand what I have to do, and from here it's just a matter of commitment. I will change my life regardless of whether K wants to stay with me or not, I realize this lesson very clearly from this whole fiasco.

 

At present I think I have lost her. We still live together, and are able to talk often, and we still are intimate sometimes... however she has told me many times that she hates me far more than she loves me. She says hates me most of the time! She also says she has no idea what to do right now... and "may as well stay with me for the time being"... but will definitely cheat (if you can call it that), and already has someone in mind 

 

Well tomorrow I take her to hospital to D&C our second pregnancy  I think after that she'll start to realize what she wants to do…. And I guess will hook up with this guy she has in mind  In the mean time, I will continue doing whatever I can to keep her happy. If she wants to cheat to get back at me I will deal with it.. but I know that I cannot wait forever… plus she may have wanted this person for some time, not done anything because of her integrity, but now eventually leave me for him. Having said that .. she has also said that she wants me and this other person! That can’t work for me.

 

I will try and get her to come to counseling, and take it from there.

 

To KaiaMahina... K wanted T fired even more than I did, so I made sure it happened. Basically I threatened to leave, and said (to my boss) I couldn't work with T anymore. The company values me more than T so they let her go. In fact at the time when T exposed herself to me for the pictures, she was still on probation, and as Human Resources found out about the pictures while she was still on probation, and had her admit to the pictures in a disciplinary form, according to company policy she should have been dismissed then. I do not feel any remorse toward T at all. She didn't care what damage she and I, and was quite happy to gossip about it around the company ... which caused K much distress. I agree that I am as much to blame as she for what we did... but as I said I was prepared to leave (and in fact had two job offers lined up), but my company didn't want to let me go.

 

To Daphne... Please don't have a hard time feeling sorry for me. Please don't feel sorry for me at all. I put myself in this situation and I have to work through it ... hopefully K and I will be able to save our relationship... Worst case I know I will be a better person for coming to grips with my problems, dealing with them, and being honest about them.

 

I ask is that you all say a prayer for me.