Were engaged and now she has doubts about me

[lostguy]

 

Im really lost. I need some advice on my realtionship. I have been going out with this girl for about 6 years now, we got engaged 9 months ago and planning to get married in 2 years. The reason why i'm so lost is that now she's starting to have all kind of doubts about her love for me and if she really wants to get married.

 

The weird part about is that a couple of weeks before, she was all excited to get married. And now she seems all cold and very distant with me, I don't know know why?

I have been going nuts trying to figure out why. I talked to her about cause I can sense a change between us and she told me about her doubts.

 

I gave her a choice, to end it or continue, and she wants to try to fix the problems with us, but now everything is so weird between us. We don't communicate like we used too and I feel so screwed up cause I can't figure it out why all of sudden she feels like this. Its like I have a finance but now I don't know who she is anymore

 

The reason why I'm writing this, is this all normal, the doubts and everything or there's something more to this.

 

Thanks for any advice you can give me

[Rosiecat]

You guys have known each other for so long, it's not really that suprising that she is analysing the relationship already. The good news is that the other people who rush into marriage do the same thing, even after having some children! I don't know enough about you to really help, but you could try putting some "zing" back in the relationship by trying a few things differently... ie., romance. This could be anything from a long romantic walk on the beach, dinner out somewhere special, flowers, a love letter, a music request on a radio station you know she listens to, even role-playing your first date together.

 

What I think happens after a certain amount of time is that you become more friends than lovers. This is actually great, I mean you can do pretty much anything, say anything, it's all ok. But maybe something gets lost along the way. Maybe she is actually worried that you don't love her anymore.

 

Are there any doubts as to the monogomy here? Do you still party with the guys or hang out with an exgirlfriend? Does she? It doesn't sound like it, since she wants to work on things with you. I really don't recommend a trial separation because it will only lead to pain, but if you do break up please tell each other that it's still a possibility to get together later. You would both be surprised of the "slim pickings" out there to choose from!

 

Are you on the same track as far as life goals? Do you dream of moving far away, would she prefer to go back to university? There are so many reasons that people consider breaking up. Even a casual comment that the other person may have a slight flaw can really make a mess of things.

 

What I notice most about these forums is that people need to talk openly with their loved ones, but are somehow being shut down from doing so. I wish you luck, because you deserve it for looking for the answers!

[jmargel]

Since you two are engaged, marriage counseling sounds probably the best advice. Why are you waiting two more years to get married?

[katie79]

and this is from a woman's point of view: she's pulling away because you set the actual wedding date so far away. That could be it. We women will pull away when we feel our fiancee is making the engagement a never-ending one. I don't know your ages, maybe your young. But anything past a two-year engagement is too long. My bf pulled "having a 2007 wedding (a three + year engagement)" and I refused and will still refuse to stand for that b/c that's going nowhere basically. When my bf said that, the relationship almost ended right there. You must remember "engagement" is a waiting and transtion period. You can't just give her a ring and put marriage far away in the clouds. There's no point. You guys have already been together for a long time. Dating 6 years without a commitment is very long. A three year engagement, well, that's a bit too long, don't you agree? Some women don't come out and say it. They take on the more successful "passive-agressive" move, which is pulling back, becoming distant, and when questioned, she'll answer with the "I'm not sure the this relationship is good for me, we have this problem and this one here...blahblah blah! She wants you to speed up the wedding date. She wants you to start feeling the possiblity of her absence grow stronger and stronger in your life, hoping you will one day very briefly come to the conclusion you can't live without her and marrying her sooner might save your existing relationship with her. That's what it is. Being a woman, having many female friends/aquaintances, I hear these things all the time. A friend will say to me her bf doesn't want to marry her or he is happy with the status quo of engagement, but why rush marriage, a two-year engagement scares them off. What she tells her good friends and NOT YOU, is she'll pull back for a while. She hold out on sex, intimacy, dates, affection, avoid talking about the future, and in some cases, start dating others (I doubt that's happening with your situation so don't get scared by that). She'll never tell YOU why her behavior has changed suddenly. She would rather you put the puzzle together yourself and figures if you don't, it wasn't worth it anyway. Women like men to bring up marriage, propose, agree to a wedding date, etc. by the charm and ambition of a man's own willingness and drive to do it b/c he loves her so much. We don't like to feel like we demand it. We will slip hints, if that doesn't work, we will pull away and increase it until you get the hint we don't want to be taken advantage of. If we are down-right serious, when this "act" never works, we will tell you flat out what we want. My advice to you, is she might figure your failure to re-set the wedding---TO AN EARLIER DATE, MAYBE 2005, will force her to leave. Some women of (what it sounds like) her nature might just leave---and never come back. You must take that into account as well. Overall, it sounds like you are losing her to your failure to set a more realistic wedding date which comes with engagement naturally. You sound really in love with her, but you are not picking up on the "bigger picture". Perhaps you should tell her how much you love her and that you want to set the wedding for 6 months---a year maximum, and you will work on the "issues" she is not so thrilled with in the relationship. Keep your promise and don't stall, or she will never go back to you, nor trust you again! Try this and tell me what happens. Good luck! I'm sure everything from here on out will go swell!