My Mom Violates my Privacy...

[venusianx13]

Okay, I came here to run something by anyone who wants to give me some feedback.

 

I have gotten to a place where I am reluctant to share personal issues/struggles with my mom, even though she really, really pries, and I would love nothing more than to be able to confide in her. The trouble is, I can't. Anything I tell my mother is always repeated to my father. The reason this becomes a problem is that my father is prone to throwing fuel on the fire, so to speak (i.e. really stressing me out), and I end up feeling worse, on top of feeling like my mother has betrayed my trust. I find it very difficult to keep things from her, because as I mentioned, she pries, but with some occurances of her telling my father things as of late, I am reaching a point where I feel that I need to completely stop sharing things with her.

 

Now, a secondary part of this problem is that when I confront my mother about telling my father things I had wished to keep between her and myself, she believes she is completely justified in having told him. And she finds it completely unreasonable that I should ask her to respect my privacy.

 

Am I wrong here? I'm really just so disheartened over this.

[sweetkiwi]

You're not wrong. But it'd do you good to stop talking to her about meaningful things. I do this too. I have had many surrogate mothers i trusted with things. Find one.

[GorillaTheater]

This is a tough one. My wife and I try very hard to make sure there are no secrets between us (particularly when it involves the kids). Recently my brother-in-law wanted to know if he could confide something family-related in me and have kept just between us. I responded that if I felt that it was something my wife should know that I'd tell her, and that if he was cool with that, go ahead.

 

I'd ask your mom, before confiding in her again, whether she was going to keep it to herself or not. If she can't offer that assurance, keep your mouth shut. If she says she won't but blabs to your dad anyways, don't confide in her again. In that case, I like Kiwi's idea about finding surrogate moms who you trust.

[venusianx13]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I'm 30 (not a child), and it's not that the things I share with my mom are anywhere near devastating or life-threatening, but yes, there have been times when I've felt it was weird/uncomfortable for my dad to know certain things, and while she would initially maintain that she was going to keep it between us, she ended up telling him and I'd find out because he'd bring it up with me. And to be honest, she'd tell him, I believe, to spite me when she'd become angry at me for one thing or another.

 

So yeah...I guess the sad truth is that I just can't tell her anything personal (unless I don't mind her telling my dad). I'll have to look for that surrogate mom...

[2sure]

I understand your Moms motivation in telling your dad. Its because she feels obligated because you are his daughter, because she wants his input on what she feels is a parenting issue , or because he is her best friend and she tells him everything.

 

But that doesnt make it right. Whats best for you right now is whats right. And I dont know how old you are but...

My daughter is 16 , nearly 17 and last year I had to come to the realization that some aspects of my role in parenting were either complete in that she embraced my values, thoughts, and ideas or...she didnt and for the most part I had to give her some respect for her personal values, opinions, and ideas. Thats a tough one - not because Im here Mom, but because Ive been there and have more experience. But...she has to learn from her own experience as well.

I also have come to try to step back from the Mommy role, when she needs me to...and into a woman to woman role. She still needs me to be Mommy, so its not a "friend" thing so much as ...I dont know, a girl thing.

 

Keeping her issues to myself, especially when I feel inexperienced to help her with some of them is hard.

 

I think this is a natural but difficult way the mother daughter relationship sometimes evolves.

 

You want to talk to her, she wants to listen...talk this out, without confronting. Write a letter?

[2sure]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I'm 30 (not a child), and it's not that the things I share with my mom are anywhere near devastating or life-threatening, but yes, there have been times when I've felt it was weird/uncomfortable for my dad to know certain things, and while she would initially maintain that she was going to keep it between us, she ended up telling him and I'd find out because he'd bring it up with me. And to be honest, she'd tell him, I believe, to spite me when she'd become angry at me for one thing or another.

 

So yeah...I guess the sad truth is that I just can't tell her anything personal (unless I don't mind her telling my dad). I'll have to look for that surrogate mom...

 

Ohhhhh. Gotcha. I dont know then, but that makes me sad .

[Radu]

venusian, i used to have social hypersensitivity.

One of the reasons i got this was because my mom trusted the school teacher too much [the one that was abusive] with stuff i found as personal from back home.

To give an ideea, as a result of a disease and the stress at school [from classmates] i basically 'medicated with food'.

She shared this with the teacher and the teacher kept reminding me in front of the classroom for a while about this ... 'if you spent less time stuffing your face, you'd have more time for homework', cue in a whole classroom laughing.

 

I didn't mention this for sympathy, or to compare notes ... i cut off my mom from my private life when i was young and I never looked back.

Don't get me wrong, i love my mom [and loved my dad too] ... but when ppl close to you hurt you without knowing you have no choice if they won't stop.

You are a grown person now [same age as me actually]; you are not her small avatar anymore.

Your main responsability is to your own happiness because that's what your little boy sees.

 

So i highly recommend you cut her off.

[AlexDP]

Okay, I came here to run something by anyone who wants to give me some feedback.

 

I have gotten to a place where I am reluctant to share personal issues/struggles with my mom, even though she really, really pries, and I would love nothing more than to be able to confide in her. The trouble is, I can't. Anything I tell my mother is always repeated to my father. The reason this becomes a problem is that my father is prone to throwing fuel on the fire, so to speak (i.e. really stressing me out), and I end up feeling worse, on top of feeling like my mother has betrayed my trust. I find it very difficult to keep things from her, because as I mentioned, she pries, but with some occurances of her telling my father things as of late, I am reaching a point where I feel that I need to completely stop sharing things with her.

 

Now, a secondary part of this problem is that when I confront my mother about telling my father things I had wished to keep between her and myself, she believes she is completely justified in having told him. And she finds it completely unreasonable that I should ask her to respect my privacy.

 

Am I wrong here? I'm really just so disheartened over this.

 

 

I think most parents tell the other parent personal stuff about their child. If I tell my mom something, I assume she's going to tell my dad at some point. It seems inevitable.

[SpiralOut]

I pretty much assume that my mother will tell my father whatever I say to her. Then again, she tells everyone everything. I stopped confiding in her years ago without a second thought.

 

Depending on how comfortable you feel about it, you could try talking to her about it. Personally I would just cut her off from my personal life.

[venusianx13]

Thanks, everyone.

 

Well, yesterday/last night, my mother and I got into a bit of an argument, and it probably wasn't the best time to bring it up, but I did confront her about this. Obviously, I was in the throes of anger, but managed to disengage the argument because I really don't care to have the last word. In a sense, I offered up the "victory". I did, however, tell her that no matter how hard she pries, I simply cannot disclose personal information to her anymore, unless it's something I don't mind her sharing with my father (and possibly my younger sister - this is less of a problem, but it has happened.) My mother then engaged in a string of demeaning statements to me, basically treating me like I am the most awful person. She also told me that I could not ask her to babysit my son anymore (which I rarely do). Okay, that's fine. This is all typical of my mother. She has some great qualities, but this is obviously not a good one.

 

I love my parents both dearly, and they have done a lot of fantastic things for me. But I agree, from here on in, I am going to keep personal stuff to myself, and seek advice/an ear elsewhere, no matter how hard my mother pries.

Edited December 21, 2012 by venusianx13

[dreamingoftigers]

I have had the same problem historically and it sucks bigtime.

 

My father is not a particularly nice person either. Very demanding and shaming.

 

Your Mom is in your 40-50-60 range. She isn't going to change that about herself.

 

I had to cut my Mom out, it's much better that way.

 

It hurts for a little bit. And she did try to guilt me etc. But it does get better.

[KathyM]

I don't think it's reasonable to expect your mom to keep things from her husband, your father, as it relates to you. They are both your parents, who love you and care about you. They both, hopefully, have your bests interests at heart, and need to get each other's feedback about the children they share. A married couple are not supposed to have secrets with each other, or keep the other as an outsider when it comes to the children. With that said, if either of your parents are disclosing your personal information to outsiders, then by all means, be very careful about what you say to them. I have learned that I can't tell my mother anything personal that I wouldn't want outsiders to know, because she'll disclose to her friends, other relatives, and various other people, information that is none of their business. But I don't think you should expect your mother to keep secrets from your father about their children. They both love and care about you, and it's pretty normal that they would want to get the other's feedback when it comes to their children.

[Lil Lady]

I have the same problem with my mother. I am coming to the realization that I can't confide in her period. She wants to help, but when she knows things about my personal life, she spills the beans to just about everyone. My father, her sisters, friends...it is just one big circle. So now I don't know how to confide in her without her telling her sisters. For instance, my mother told her sister my personal business between myself and my boyfriend. Now my aunt told my mother that it may not be a good idea for him to come to our family Christmas get-together. That in turn makes me not want to go either, but it's Christmas time...what do you do? I don't want to cut my parents off completely, but I don't want to be burdened with this stress they create on a daily basis. If I don't tell them things, then they're upset. If I do tell them things, they get upset. It's all a vicious cycle. I hope that you can find your "surrogate mother" I will be searching for one too apparently.

[Radu]

Stand by your man.

[venusianx13]

Sorry Lil Lady. I am sure that my mother tells not only my father, but also her co-workers, as well as my younger sister things that I tell her. The reason I know that she tells my father is because my father ends up "confronting" me about things, which makes for a very upsetting time. To be honest, I'd be more understanding about her disclosing things to my father if it weren't for the fact that he, as I mentioned earlier, throws fuel on the fire in the way that he handles things. I suspect she tells my sister,too, but at least my sister remains pretty quiet about it.

 

It's very hard to keep things from prying parents. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place because on one hand, you WANT to be able to confide in your mother, but on the other hand, you know that if you do, you're doomed. It really is a crappy situation.

 

On the note about your boyfriend, I've been there many times, but I will venture to say that my parents have always been right about the guys I've dated (weren't too fond of them). I will credit them with that wisdom.

Edited December 21, 2012 by venusianx13

[Lil Lady]

I completely understand how keeping things from your prying parents can be hard. Like I said, my mother is the same way...in so far as emailing me a questionnaire. My parents have always tried to tell me who I could and couldn't date. Why I should or shouldn't date them... I'm past that point in my life. As they say with younger kids, we have to make our mistakes for ourselves. I can't live with my parents decisions and they shouldn't live with mine. I absolutely WANT to confide in my mother, but I also don't want the whole world to know my business. So I am planning on keeping things to myself from now on. Visiting this site has helped me see that I am not a "bad daughter" in not wanting to confide in my parents. I need my privacy just like they need theirs.

I hope that your father will back off on adding fuel to the fire...or at least seem reasonable with your situations whatever they may be.