My husband and best friend hate each other! Does he have a right to make me choose?

[Liyah]

My husband and i are a year married and our relationship started very quickly as we began dating late Nov 09 and i gave birth to our first child 11 months later, I completely messed up on my BC. Im 26 and my husband is 33 and is a touring musician and our son & I go with him as much as we can, I tend not to go much when he is in Europe as i think its too much on my son. My best friend and i have known each other since we were 9yo and she is like a sister to me, We were both known for our wild ways back then and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept 'joking' that i could have done much better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me.

 

Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met. He always says that he doesn't know how he got so lucky in life after all the s**t he done and that our son and I give his life meaning and that we keep him together. My husband can come across as being standoffish but once you know him hes amazing. He constantly tells me how much he can't stand her, how loud she is and he even put up a fight with me on having her as our sons godmother. Her and i don't hang out as much as im mostly gone with him so i don't see her much, My husband is on the road alot and when he is home he likes to spend as much time as he can with my son & i alone. The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was with our son and my bff started to point out all the things he was 'doing wrong' with him and everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should "relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his old addictive ways". He told her to get the f*ck out and when i asked him to stop and that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out & said "f*ck both of you", Her and I had an arguement about this and i havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do i just cut her out of my life, What do i do?

[GorillaTheater]

The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept 'joking' that i could have done much better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me.

 

...

 

The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was with our son and my bff started to point out all the things he was 'doing wrong' with him and everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should "relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his old addictive ways". He told her to get the f*ck out and when i asked him to stop and that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out & said "f*ck both of you", Her and I had an arguement about this and i havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do i just cut her out of my life, What do i do?

 

If I was your husband, I wouldn't want her in my life either. She sounds obnoxious as hell, judgmental, interfering, and insulting. I sure wouldn't want someone who thought that poorly of my wife in my life.

 

So yeah, choose.

[jwi71]

Does he have the right to make you choose?

 

This is really about "is he justified" or "is it appropriate" for him to do so.

 

In a general sense, every human has the right to demand what they want. In this case, your H wants to "not be around" your best friend. And seeing as they don't get along it's a wise move.

 

It becomes more nuanced if he demands that YOU stop seeing your best friend. I think we would all agree that in extreme cases (addiction, crime, affair) it is appropriate to demand such. This doesn't appear to be the case. However, he does have legitimate reasons to not like her - she clearly crossed the line.

 

Your friend has ZERO right to criticize his parenting. None. Doing that transforms her from "friend he doesn't like" into "disruptive force in a parent-child relationship". And that is unacceptable behavior on her part. One can only imagine if she says that of his parenting what she says of him as a H. She becomes an irritant not only by injecting herself into his relationship with his son but also by denigrating him as a husband. And now she interfere in your M.

 

Given your friends lack of boundaries and decorum, I would agree with your H.

 

The friend may be a "friend" to you but she's no friend to your M and certainly not one to your son (via interference in his relationship with his father). And I'm not sure that makes her a friend to you even.

 

Your H has the right to jettison baggage which is an irritant with his relationship with you and his son.

 

My advice: lose the friend. She isn't helping you or your M and is, in fact, more problem than cure from what I read.

[Janesays]

Sad to say, I think this is mostly your fault. Quite a long time ago you should have laid down the law with BOTH of them saying that you love them both and that you WILL NOT tolerate disrespect of any kind towards each other. To disrespect someone you love is to disrespect you and if they can't respect that, then they need to hit the road.

 

I was married to a vile b-stard, but my friends knew darn well they weren't allowed to say anything disrespectful to or even ABOUT him in my presence. My ex also hated my best friend, but he knew he was to keep his mouth shut or we'd have a problem.

 

I wouldn't necessarily choose because I don't believe that relationships are disposable. But I'd read them both the riot act and let THEM make the choice. Do they love you enough to be civil to each other? No? THEN you know what to do.

[BetrayedH]

Forgive me if I am repetitive with other posters as I have only read your initial post.

 

One phrase that resonates with me is that anyone that is not a friend of the marriage is no friend at all. You and your spouse are a team. It's the two of you against the world. I put my relationship with my wife before the needs of my children - they need to see what true love and a truly committed marriage looks like. It's the foundation of the family. And if they don't like staying with a babysitter on date-night, too bad. I understand this doesn't apply to you but it should serve as an example as to where your friend falls in this equation.

 

If you friend cannot be a friend of the marriage (her reputation sucks in that department at the moment), I think the onus is on you to resolve the problem.

 

I would sit your friend down and outline specific boundaries for acceptable comments and behavior from her or she is welcome to F off. If you can get her to legitimately agree to act appropriately (an apology to your H doesn't sound out of order at this point), then I think you can make one last attempt with your H for an agreement about your continued friendship.

 

But make no mistake, new marriage or not, long friendship or not, your H needs to be the paramount person in life. And if you have to choose, you should either choose him or let him go.

[Nyla]

Sometimes when a woman has something that her peers do not, the lacking ladies can become bitter, jealous and sabotaging.

 

Maybe your friend feels like your husband "stole" you from her. Of course, this doesn't mean she has the right to disrespect your husband! I would cut off a friend for that.

 

My best friend makes ridiculous choices and can be selfish sometimes. My husband can't stand her, because some of her behavior stresses me out and he doesn't like how trashy my best friend is. She is currently going through a terrible time and my husband has demanded that I take a break from her. He's not saying that he doesn't want me to talk to my best friend at all, just curtail the amount of time I spend listening to her problems.

 

When I was engaged and living with my then fiance, my friend was living with her father and unemployed. She became insulting and even became engaged to a loser she barely knew, because she was so envious that I made smarter choices (used birth control and stayed away from drug dealers as boyfriends) and had an easier life as a result. Luckily, we had a heart to heart chat and she was honest with me about being worried that I would forget her once I married.

[Clockwork]

You sold me at that point where you said you and her were wild and she is still the same. There are lots of people who still - and always will - have that immature high school mentality in them even as adults despite the fact that their friends grow up. I have a couple friends like that. They were a blast to hang out with at 20 years old, not so much 10 years later either because they are the same pathetic people who clings to bars and attempt to pick up everyone under the sun and it gets much harder to do that when you get older.

 

Your allegiance is toward your husband and your child, and it should be. They are #1, and a true friend knows this.

[movingon12]

That seems quite extreme behaviour on her part, so if it was me I would probably want to talk to her about why she spoke to him like that. Depending on her response, I would decide whether or not I was going to keep seeing her as a friend. By which I mean if she had a spectacularly good reason for what she did, seemed suitably apologetic and you trust it wouldn't be repeated, then I would probably stay friends with her (for now).

 

However, I wouldn't have her around your husband - you'd see her when he's not around.

 

I really don't like one of my husband's friends at all. I wouldn't ask him to choose between us though - I just avoid situations where I would have to see him.

[Radu]

The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was with our son and my bff started to point out all the things he was 'doing wrong' with him and everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should "relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his old addictive ways". He told her to get the f*ck out and when i asked him to stop and that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out & said "f*ck both of you", Her and I had an arguement about this and i havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do i just cut her out of my life, What do i do?

 

The others said already what needed to be said.

Your friend should grow up and learn to not interfere with your husband or his child.

 

I'll just add that i don't like what your MIL said with your BFF present [as were your husband's].

[standtall]

Liyah..this situation is 100% your fault, and yes, he can make you choose. You married him , not her.

[CarboniteCammy]

Why are you NOT standing up for your marriage?

 

This shouldn't even be a question. Your husband comes first and foremost and he has every right to be upset.

 

Your friend is immature and she's coming in between you and your husband. You might want to think about WHY she's causing problems between you...is she jealous? Does she want your husband for herself?

 

OR maybe she's just one of those jerks that likes everyone to be as miserable as they are.

 

She needs to get a grip and you need to stand your ground and protect your family.

[Try]

The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept 'joking' that i could have done much better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me.

Those were not jokes, they were open attacks against your husband.

 

She started saying that he should "relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his old addictive ways". He told her to get the f*ck out and when i asked him to stop and that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out & said "f*ck both of you", Her and I had an arguement about this and i havent spoken to her since.

For the record, your husband is not the one forcing you to choose. Your BFF is the one doing that. She is the one insulting him in his own home. She is the one always putting him down in front of his own family. His response is normal, her attacks are not. He has every right to not want to be around her. She is openly not a friend of the marriage and has in fact chosen to be an enemy of your husband. You need to tell you BFF that she has to stop disrespecting your husband and your marraige, and that she must stop doing this if she want to continue to be a part of your life.

[coffeebean201]

You are dealing with some really strong personalities.

 

And they likely won't change.

 

Perhaps give the situation some time to settle down.

 

And expand your circle of friends, perhaps with others with children same age as your child. To dilute the impact of this friend on your family life.

[Million.to.1]

I agree with everyone else, but i don't think you need to cut your BF 'out of your life'

 

Unfortunately, she has crossed the line. So privileges are to be restricted.

 

Your husband has every right to not have to see her and not have her in his and your home, and you should respect his wish, as it's totally justified.

 

You will just have to limit your get togethers with your friend to occasions where it's just the two of you.

You don't have to choose... but you need to respect what your husband has asked and not subject him to her again.

[NervisPervis]

You will just have to limit your get togethers with your friend to occasions where it's just the two of you.

 

And you need to make DAMN sure that whatever it is you two do together does not even come CLOSE to what you used to do in the "wild" days. NOTHING for "old times sake". I can guarantee that it is the thought of his wife partying with her old wingwoman that started the animosity towards her on his side.

[TaraMaiden]

OP not been back yet?

I can't say I'm surprised........

[Liyah]

OP not been back yet?

I can't say I'm surprised........

 

 

Why is that?

[TaraMaiden]

Why is that?

 

It's what's known as a "Light blue touch-paper and stand well back" Post.

 

Throw in a lit firework, and watch people dance, from the sidelines.

 

Not quite wacky enough for people to dismiss and a t-post, but whacky enough to elicit all manner of responses, in every vein.

 

People view fireworks in different ways, see?

 

Ooooh! Aaaah!

[Anela]

I don't think he has a right to demand that you stop seeing your friend, but I agree with his feelings of not wanting her around, because I feel the same way about someone else (although I'd lightened up where he was concerned, and it probably would have been fine this year, if I'd just been left alone, but NO).

 

I'm in a position with my sister, where he (her boyfriend) was inappropriate towards me more than once, and caused trouble in my family - mainly between me and said sister, and now my relationship with her is toast. My feelings were, and still are, valid where he's concerned, but she dropped me like a stone when she realized that I am still wary of her beloved. She doesn't care how he affects me, only how he is affected by anyone else. He has admitted not long ago, that he likes me too much, and knows this is all his fault, but won't say that to her, and still calls me things like "delusional". I won't get into the rest.

 

I don't like the sound of your friend, though. I think she needs to be more thoughtful where your husband is concerned - it doesn't sound like he's done anything to deserve her treatment. Hell, I was thoughtful towards my sisters' boyfriend (now husband) - I was maintaining boundaries, that was all, because he has a history of being a problem to me, but they wanted to slam them down.

 

Sometimes when a woman has something that her peers do not, the lacking ladies can become bitter, jealous and sabotaging.

 

Maybe your friend feels like your husband "stole" you from her. Of course, this doesn't mean she has the right to disrespect your husband! I would cut off a friend for that.

 

My best friend makes ridiculous choices and can be selfish sometimes. My husband can't stand her, because some of her behavior stresses me out and he doesn't like how trashy my best friend is. She is currently going through a terrible time and my husband has demanded that I take a break from her. He's not saying that he doesn't want me to talk to my best friend at all, just curtail the amount of time I spend listening to her problems.

 

When I was engaged and living with my then fiance, my friend was living with her father and unemployed. She became insulting and even became engaged to a loser she barely knew, because she was so envious that I made smarter choices (used birth control and stayed away from drug dealers as boyfriends) and had an easier life as a result. Luckily, we had a heart to heart chat and she was honest with me about being worried that I would forget her once I married.

 

Now this is the type of thing that bothers me, because this is what I've been accused of, and I can tell you that it is not true. I have never wanted to harm her relationship, I just wanted her to respect my feelings, and now I'm apparently an old, ugly, jealous, bitter spinster, who doesn't want my sister to be happy, all because I have no future (such a lovely thing to hear from flesh and blood). I'm not jealous of her, and it's infuriating when she repeatedly throws that in my face, when she chose to stay with him after he told her and my mother, that he was in love with *me*, and intimated that he'd been using my sister for years, that he didn't actually love her. I could have "tapped that" but walked away when he tried it on.

Edited December 27, 2012 by Anela

[Nyla]

I don't think he has a right to demand that you stop seeing your friend, but I agree with his feelings of not wanting her around, because I feel the same way about someone else (although I'd lightened up where he was concerned, and it probably would have been fine this year, if I'd just been left alone, but NO).

 

I'm in a position with my sister, where he (her boyfriend) was inappropriate towards me more than once, and caused trouble in my family - mainly between me and said sister, and now my relationship with her is toast. My feelings were, and still are, valid where he's concerned, but she dropped me like a stone when she realized that I am still wary of her beloved. She doesn't care how he affects me, only how he is affected by anyone else. He has admitted not long ago, that he likes me too much, and knows this is all his fault, but won't say that to her, and still calls me things like "delusional". I won't get into the rest.

 

I don't like the sound of your friend, though. I think she needs to be more thoughtful where your husband is concerned - it doesn't sound like he's done anything to deserve her treatment. Hell, I was thoughtful towards my sisters' boyfriend (now husband) - I was maintaining boundaries, that was all, because he has a history of being a problem to me, but they wanted to slam them down.

 

 

 

Now this is the type of thing that bothers me, because this is what I've been accused of, and I can tell you that it is not true. I have never wanted to harm her relationship, I just wanted her to respect my feelings, and now I'm apparently an old, ugly, jealous, bitter spinster, who doesn't want my sister to be happy, all because I have no future (such a lovely thing to hear from flesh and blood). I'm not jealous of her, and it's infuriating when she repeatedly throws that in my face, when she chose to stay with him after he told her and my mother, that he was in love with *me*, and intimated that he'd been using my sister for years, that he didn't actually love her. I could have "tapped that" but walked away when he tried it on.

 

It may not be true in your case, but I wasn't discussing your situation. I was talking about my own experience and trying to help the OP. It sounds like my post triggered you and I apologize for that.

[RedHead33]

When I started reading the post I thought of my situation where husband doesn't see an eye to eye with my friend. So every couple of months we see each other, we hang out without hubby around, she doesn't comment about him, we talk about other things.

 

But YOUR friend really went overboard with her unnecessary comments especially she was in your husbands home and how dare. If I was in your husband shoes I would say a lot more to her. Not only she disrespected him, she disrespected you. You made a choice to be with him not her, and if you are happy, she should be happy for you.

 

I don't know how can you repair a friendship with her without putting your husband down. So in this case I would forget about her.

[underwater2010]

You need to cut her out. She is toxic to your marriage. Did I miss the part where you stood up for him? Or did you just sit there and let her berate your husband?

 

The sad truth is that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be demanding the same things.