Im sick of hearing the past is the past

[DarrenK]

How can people say the past is the past or take these lying men and women's side??its disgusting?

Ok this is more of a post rather than a question and I've been wanting to post this for awhile and feel I want to be an advocate to those that have been hurt and lied to and has damaged there lives so with that said here I go .thismay be all over the place and not the most intellectual post ever but non the less VERY VERY important !ok I see al over the internet posts stories threads about this subject and I so sick and tired of seeing men women and good people being ridiculed and called names for having morals or feelings or simply struggling with various issues involving there partners past weather its cheating ,numerous sexual partners or disgusting behavior !! So I want to defend those that have been hurt and tell them its ok to feel hurt or to have a negative judgment if they did disturbing things and lied to cover there tracks !in todays society its sick that people defend the ones that did these things saying things like the past is the past !or people change look at them now "don't judge others!who cares if they did that?so let's look at some stories I've read and see peoples responses ?first a man married for years has kids been an amazing dad husband and finds out wife lied and said she was with 3 guys turns out she used to do porn videos !!!the man devastated by this comes unravaled and starts hurting and is sad deppressed and feels he cant look at her the same .or that he feels that the relationship was based on lies so the poor guy posts online for advice and all the guy hears is comments like"dude get over it its the past who cares "or she's the same women you married"or this is just you being insecure "or my favorite numbers don't matter who cares get over it???really people that's what this sick society thinks???I can speak in my own situation that I'm married 3 kids and great husband faithful loving caring man that i have battled with this issue my with lied to me about everything to get me to marry her !she did absolutely disgusting things 3ways 2 men in one night sex with strangers stds ,sex with gang members drug dealers and some of these she was a mom of 2 at the time and at the bar screwing random thugs...I met her all i knew was she was a single mom pretty ,nice,fun,and I was extremely open honest about my past when SHE brought up the subject of sex I told her everything as you should cause unlike people who say "don't ask don't tell "or past is past never talk about it !"I don't believe its not my business !it is if anyone is going to spend there life with that person ..its not the other persons choice it is our choice who we marry or seriously date !!its just like buying a car miles ,conditions ,red flags,baggage !,not the car dealers choice what car we buy !!think about it seriously if you lie on a resume and get caught do you get fired ?do you get the job only if the employer decides to.now I know its not exactly the same but my point is this YES man or women I'm not sexist imo man or women that sleep around and treat sex as nothing but having coffee and devalue it to nothing .I'm saying that people can do whatever there hearts desire if you wanna screw 15 -100 people fine but don't lie !don't trick someone with opposite values to marry you and pick you when they deserve the truth and someone with similar views.I hear people attack guys like me call me names and im none of these things #1im not a hypocrite I have not done things like this I've been with9 people #2 I'm not ugly or insecure ..I'm 6'3 230 great looking former model !and im not a wuss #3 I'm not a religious guy Nope !#4 I'm not a sexist man or woman who act like sluts are nasty #5im amazing in bed and not insecure of others size lol I'm great down there ......now my point for usei.g me as an example is its not because of these BULLS*** reasons it hurts us its because we love are partners and care about connection respect and values in the person we spend our lives witg .so I wanna hear from all the men and women that are effected by this and to know that this world is messed up and its not you thats the issue .and for all those that wanna attack me bring it lol

[aed]

How can people say the past is the past or take these lying men and women's side??its disgusting?

Ok this is more of a post rather than a question and I've been wanting to post this for awhile and feel I want to be an advocate to those that have been hurt and lied to and has damaged there lives so with that said here I go .thismay be all over the place and not the most intellectual post ever but non the less VERY VERY important !ok I see al over the internet posts stories threads about this subject and I so sick and tired of seeing men women and good people being ridiculed and called names for having morals or feelings or simply struggling with various issues involving there partners past weather its cheating ,numerous sexual partners or disgusting behavior !! So I want to defend those that have been hurt and tell them its ok to feel hurt or to have a negative judgment if they did disturbing things and lied to cover there tracks !in todays society its sick that people defend the ones that did these things saying things like the past is the past !or people change look at them now "don't judge others!who cares if they did that?so let's look at some stories I've read and see peoples responses ?first a man married for years has kids been an amazing dad husband and finds out wife lied and said she was with 3 guys turns out she used to do porn videos !!!the man devastated by this comes unravaled and starts hurting and is sad deppressed and feels he cant look at her the same .or that he feels that the relationship was based on lies so the poor guy posts online for advice and all the guy hears is comments like"dude get over it its the past who cares "or she's the same women you married"or this is just you being insecure "or my favorite numbers don't matter who cares get over it???really people that's what this sick society thinks???I can speak in my own situation that I'm married 3 kids and great husband faithful loving caring man that i have battled with this issue my with lied to me about everything to get me to marry her !she did absolutely disgusting things 3ways 2 men in one night sex with strangers stds ,sex with gang members drug dealers and some of these she was a mom of 2 at the time and at the bar screwing random thugs...I met her all i knew was she was a single mom pretty ,nice,fun,and I was extremely open honest about my past when SHE brought up the subject of sex I told her everything as you should cause unlike people who say "don't ask don't tell "or past is past never talk about it !"I don't believe its not my business !it is if anyone is going to spend there life with that person ..its not the other persons choice it is our choice who we marry or seriously date !!its just like buying a car miles ,conditions ,red flags,baggage !,not the car dealers choice what car we buy !!think about it seriously if you lie on a resume and get caught do you get fired ?do you get the job only if the employer decides to.now I know its not exactly the same but my point is this YES man or women I'm not sexist imo man or women that sleep around and treat sex as nothing but having coffee and devalue it to nothing .I'm saying that people can do whatever there hearts desire if you wanna screw 15 -100 people fine but don't lie !don't trick someone with opposite values to marry you and pick you when they deserve the truth and someone with similar views.I hear people attack guys like me call me names and im none of these things #1im not a hypocrite I have not done things like this I've been with9 people #2 I'm not ugly or insecure ..I'm 6'3 230 great looking former model !and im not a wuss #3 I'm not a religious guy Nope !#4 I'm not a sexist man or woman who act like sluts are nasty #5im amazing in bed and not insecure of others size lol I'm great down there ......now my point for usei.g me as an example is its not because of these BULLS*** reasons it hurts us its because we love are partners and care about connection respect and values in the person we spend our lives witg .so I wanna hear from all the men and women that are effected by this and to know that this world is messed up and its not you thats the issue .and for all those that wanna attack me bring it lol

 

I so agree with post! But how did you handle this or do you want to handle this.

[BetrayedH]

As I read your post, I think I am similar in that the dishonesty is the big problem for me. I don't mind a liberal woman, nor do I care a lot about how many sex partners she has had (in the past) but I really can't stomach lying (in the present). I would also be pretty skeptical about someone with an extensive history of cheating, again, especially if I caught them lying about it.

 

If someone went through a sexually liberated phase, ok, I can get that. But having a history of (or currently engaging in) doing a bunch of lying about it should probably be a dealbreaker.

[WhatASituation]

Agreed 100%! I didn't find out about my W's "colorful" past until about 15 years into the M. She's had threesomes, given BJ's to her frat bro's in college among other things. She kept this all from me, and to find out all these years later was devastating (on top of all the other crap too of course)!

[TigerCub]

I don't recall ever telling anyone who has been lied to or loved someone or invested in someone under false pretenses to just "get over it" the past is the past.

 

However...the fact of the matter really is - if that happens to someone, yes, its a terrible thing and must be devastating.

BUT...what they do next (after realizing the truth) is up to them.

 

they can:

a- Leave and end that relationship or

b- stay

 

if they choose to stay, then I would assume that yes, in time, they will need to get past it and move on somehow. Or else the alternative would be to stay and stew on it and make everyone miserable. How is that healthy?

 

I would never want to be fooled into being with someone, so yes I can imagine how horrible that is - but then upon finding out the real truth - I hope that I'd just leave, because if I can't accept that past, then what's the point in staying?

 

OP, how did you deal with your wife once you found out about her past?

[DarrenK]

So to answer your questions well ....I'm currently still married I am a really loving guy and I have invested so much time and effort into this relationship that I didn't want to just give up.but I have to admit its been a year since I found out and its completely ripped me apart inside I have gone to counseling ,marriage counseling ,even hypnosis !but nothing has helped ..please before anyone judges me my situation is unique ....my mom lives in my home she's a cancer survivor and I have kids I have health issues ,so leaving is both hard financially and emotionally not saying I can't but its hard .and to answer one of the questions getti.g over it well lol I really wish i could some call it retrospective jealousy I dont think that fits because I know people have sex and its a part of life I'm not saying a women that's had lots of partners is evil or going to hell lol I'm saying for me and many people sex is special and great but if its with someone you love or in a relationship /dating not just for meeting random people and doing disturbing things with. See my main point is everybody has there standards or things which they look for and I am a guy that looks for sexual values ! let's just all be honest theres a difference between two people in a committed relationship having sex and a person getting drunk and being screw over a couch or backseat of a random car with someone they don't even know?lol anyways I really hope people and society will stop attacking the people that have been hurt by the lies and deal with the real issues the ones lying .

[standtall]

Well darren....first, you're allowed to be hurt. Your allowed to be angry, but it is up to you whether or not you want to get over it or not. If she is a different person now, then why dwell on it? Did she lie to you about it or did she just not volunteer it? If she lied, then it would indicate that she is not changed, but if she didn't volunteer it, then she is probably ashamed. There is a difference.

 

Also, punctuation helps. I know it may be your on a phone, but your posts are hard to read.

[DarrenK]

Yes this is on my phone sorry I want to agree that I have to figure this out and only I can ultimately do so but I also wanted to answer ok so did she lie or lie by omissions well!!...both she knew my views she even brought up the subject she asked me because I seemed like a popular guy with women because I'm hansom and outgoing . But contrary to belief not all goodlookin guys are players she knew after hours on the phone I was different than other guys and she brought up sexual stuf she went on and on about how one nighters were trashy ,nasty,how could people do that !lol she would always act as if she was high and mighty. She lied about very personal stuff like never taking a bath with someone sounds weird but I proposed to here because are baths were are thing ! So finding out about that felt horrible inside I actually cried ...hell this whole this feels worse then loseing family to dead and yes I've lost too many I know that feeling ....imagine being me a guy that lived different then most looking to find that special girl like me to marry have kids and settled down with .......you think you found her and then BOOM years later find out she's been with so many she dosent know names admits she lied about everything to get me and honest its the #1 reason I married her was she saw the world as I did and acted like me....all to find out it was lies .. just writing this I'm damn near in tears I can't explain it its like I never knew her it was show ...and last she was horrible towards me both mentally and sexually distant so now she admits this and wants to keep me but I don't trust her or look at her the same .

[inbetweenworlds]

Well, first of all let me say how nice it is to hear from men with moral fiber. What a refreshing change.

 

I am in precisely the same boat at the moment and am having a lot of trouble forgiving my husband for his past - which I have recently found out is WAY WORSE than I was originally told. I also have found naked pictures of his exes in our house which he "forgot" he had. Yeah, right. The worst part is that I have actually met these people and am expected to be nice to them!

 

He has told me he hates himself for who he used to be, that I have "made him a better man" and has got rid of all the stuff I found but I feel like I can NEVER look at him the same way again.

 

What I don't understand about that kind of behavior is that it, in my mind at least, is SUCH a sign of disrespect for yourself. It scares me, frankly. I wonder what kind of person does that sort of thing - and rationalizes it - under the guise of "experience".

 

Darren I think you are totally within your rights to feel hurt, angry and resentful. I'm not sure how we all navigate this. A friend told me that I will not know the value of forgiveness until I need it one day from him and because of that I should forgive him. I'm certainly not perfect and that has helped me look at it a slightly different way, but the pain is still there. I'm guessing it is the sort of thing that takes a long time to get over. Best of luck to you.

Edited January 2, 2013 by inbetweenworlds

[KungFuJoe]

Good luck. I can definitely relate to this. It's not so much the past, but the fact that you feel DECEIVED that is hurting you. It's understandable. It's like you have this "picture" in your head about the kind of person you're with, and you learn later on that your picture was completely wrong.

 

Two things.

 

- You are not "wrong" to be hurt by this.

- SHE is not wrong to try to hide it.

 

This is just one of those situations that doesn't have a right or wrong answer. It's like getting hit by a bus when walking across the street one day. **** happens, for no reason, and that's life.

 

You have two choices. You let it eat at you and eat at you until it destroys your relationship (sounds like it's already headed down that path) or you try to find a way to "compartmentalize" this and put it in a place in your heart and mind where it doesn't affect you.

 

One thing to remember...she didn't deceive you to hurt you...you did it to keep from hurting you. TECHNICALLY, she did nothing wrong. What she did was before you. But, I know none of that helps with the hurt. But, it's the truth.

 

So you take a GOOD LONG ****ING LOOK at that woman who stands before you and tell yourself...if you could COMPLETELY ERASE the past from before you two met...if time didn't exist before then...and all you had was each other...would you want to be with her? And you better think long and hard about this one. Because I guarantee that if you do leave her, you won't remember all the **** that happened before you...but you WILL miss all the good that you had after.

[Later82012]

She got what she wanted all her life, didn't she? She is the taker and you are the giver. If you let her go she will most probably find someone like you again and live happily again and you will most probably find someone like her again and be in the same situation again. You will never know what she was thinking when she did what she did and you will never know what she is thinking now. If possible exchange your brain and heart with hers. That's the only way you can be happy. What I understand is that most people that can sleep around sleep around indiscriminately and when they find someone like you they fear being judged by you and losing you and so lie about it to get you.

 

People like her and her supporters are more in number out there than people like you and there is a huge sample here on LS. I am surprised they didn't show here to beat you up. Most people are so selfish in the present that they think only about themselves and do not worry about the consequences to themselves or others later on.

[Later82012]

....and it's funny how they find their counterparts with similar experience levels not good enough for marriages.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Later82012

[standtall]

Well Darren, it is unfortunate that she deceived/ is still deceiving you. . It is easier to forgive someone when they are lying because they're ashamed rather than to lie to manipulate.

 

Why exactly to she decide to tell you these things after all of these years? Her reason may be significant, and may indicate that she has not told you everything yet. At this point, you two need some counseling otherwise this is going to eat away at your relationship until it is destroyed..just as kungfujoe pointed out.

[DarrenK]

Well Darren, it is unfortunate that she deceived/ is still deceiving you. . It is easier to forgive someone when they are lying because they're ashamed rather than to lie to manipulate.

 

Why exactly to she decide to tell you these things after all of these years? Her reason may be significant, and may indicate that she has not told you everything yet. At this point, you two need some counseling otherwise this is going to eat away at y. our relationship until it is destroyed..just as kungfujoe pointed out.

 

Ok when you say she was ashamed and didn't want to manipulate ?that's 100% what manipulation is !!lol she knew I would have absolutely no intreast in dateing her had i known about her sexual past ,and for her to lie falls 100% on her you dont get to pick yourself you don't get to be someone your not ,she chose to lie because she wanted the great guy but she had a disturbing past to most ......so why I say most it means I believe there's guys with similar pasts that it won't bother much ,but for me a guy that's had few partners and 90%were relationship .

[DarrenK]

Well, first of all let me say how nice it is to hear from men with moral fiber. What a refreshing change.

 

I am in precisely the same boat at the moment and am having a lot of trouble forgiving my husband for his past - which I have recently found out is WAY WORSE than I was originally told. I also have found naked pictures of his exes in our house which he "forgot" he had. Yeah, right. The worst part is that I have actually met these people and am expected to be nice to them!

 

He has told me he hates himself for who he used to be, that I have "made him a better man" and has got rid of all the stuff I found but I feel like I can NEVER look at him the same way again.

 

What I don't understand about that kind of behavior is that it, in my mind at least, is SUCH a sign of disrespect for yourself. It scares me, frankly. I wonder what kind of person does that sort of thing - and rationalizes it - under the guise of "experience".

 

Darren I think you are totally within your rights to feel hurt, angry and resentful. I'm not sure how we all navigate this. A friend told me that I will not know the value of forgiveness until I need it one day from him and because of that I should forgive him. I'm certainly not perfect and that has helped me look at it a slightly different way, but the pain is still there. I'm guessing it is the sort of thing that takes a long time to get over. Best of luck to you.

 

Well thank you for noticing I guess i tried so hard all my life to live as a good guy not be a player and always look for a classy women to date then marry so finding out I was lied to about my values and yeah its not just a choice as people say its deep in my being its who i am and if she did not want to be judged she should have been honest and went on to a guy with similar past .I'm going to leave I'm done feeling angry ,resentment ,sadness ,I gave everything to her and she lied its over and im ok with that ....where were you when I was single lol is there any good girls left that respect there body and wait till relationships for sex

[stillafool]

I understand how you feel. I think it is a bit different in your situation as you married this woman, had children with her and then found out about her past. That hurts a great deal as you were fooled. She is to blame. I think when people say "the past is the past" so "get over it or break up" they are talking to people who are dating. If you can't leave your wife do to finances can you move to another bedroom so you don't have to sleep with her?

[2sunny]

Your W hasn't done the necessary hard work to repair the damage she caused. She hasn't yet EARNED back your trust.

 

She's got work to do - otherwise it's not worth staying and forfeiting your peace of mind.

[jwi71]

Ok when you say she was ashamed and didn't want to manipulate ?that's 100% what manipulation is !!lol she knew I would have absolutely no intreast in dateing her had i known about her sexual past ,and for her to lie falls 100% on her you dont get to pick yourself you don't get to be someone your not ,she chose to lie because she wanted the great guy but she had a disturbing past to most ......so why I say most it means I believe there's guys with similar pasts that it won't bother much ,but for me a guy that's had few partners and 90%were relationship .

 

DarrenK.

 

Do you have memories? Can you remember?

 

More specifically, can you remember your W before you knew?

 

What was she then in your eyes? Was she then, as you remember, a beautiful, loving, caring wonderful woman? I bet you thought so.

 

And while you were thinking she was this beautiful, loving caring woman - did she have a past? A past that including all of what you say. She did.

 

So, before you knew of her past it still existed - I mean she clearly did those things yet your view of her was one of grace and beauty and love. Has that woman changed? No.

 

What changed was NOT HER but your PERCEPTION of her. That same woman you do loved and worshipped is still there. She never left. She never changed. She always was and still is there.

 

What changed is you know. And that knowledge has placed filters on you. Unfair ones. This is entirely in your head and as such it's entirely in YOUR control. You can have a negative reaction and let this knowledge harm your M. Or you can choose otherwise - that however disheartening this knowledge is - the woman you remember never changed. She always was and still is there.

 

You changed.

 

Change back. If you want the M you had before this revelation then get it. Nothing is stopping you but you.

 

Your W is still who she is. Always has been. Always will be.

 

We all have a past. It forms and shapes and defines who we are. We don't always share it but it's always there. The woman you remember was shaped by those events. And even though you didn't know those events existed they formed and shaped her into the woman you love.

 

We all have past and it cannot be changed.

We all have a future which we CAN change.

 

Let. It. Go.

The past is the past and no longer matters. It only has the power we give it.

 

This will exist as long as you wish it to bother you.

 

Which is ultimately your decision.

 

I'd chose to let it go and love the woman she is and always has been.

[standtall]

Ok when you say she was ashamed and didn't want to manipulate ?that's 100% what manipulation is !!lol she knew I would have absolutely no intreast in dateing her had i known about her sexual past ,and for her to lie falls 100% on her you dont get to pick yourself you don't get to be someone your not ,she chose to lie because she wanted the great guy but she had a disturbing past to most ......so why I say most it means I believe there's guys with similar pasts that it won't bother much ,but for me a guy that's had few partners and 90%were relationship .

 

I see that you have more than a little ego going there. Well, as I pointed out before, a lie in the past is much more forgivable than a present lie since it can indicate that someone has changed. But I guess you are too perfect and sin free to forgive her. Go ahead, punish her as you feel she deserves and let us know how well that works out for you and your little children.

[FolderWife]

How can people say the past is the past or take these lying men and women's side??its disgusting?

Ok this is more of a post rather than a question and I've been wanting to post this for awhile and feel I want to be an advocate to those that have been hurt and lied to and has damaged there lives so with that said here I go .thismay be all over the place and not the most intellectual post ever but non the less VERY VERY important !ok I see al over the internet posts stories threads about this subject and I so sick and tired of seeing men women and good people being ridiculed and called names for having morals or feelings or simply struggling with various issues involving there partners past weather its cheating ,numerous sexual partners or disgusting behavior !!

 

I only read this much and felt compelled to offer my thoughts. My husband cheated on me. I dwelled on it and felt sorry for myself for a long time. I decided to give my husband a second chance, but I kept whining and crying over the past.

 

One day, it occurred to me that I have decided to stay with him, but I was allowing myself to become overwhelmed with doubts and fantasies of him with another woman. I was making MYSELF miserable because I kept thinking about it! So I did some praying. Then I started focusing on happy memories with my husband (the things that made me want to stay). When I would start to picture him with the other woman, I would try to remember one of my past sexual experiences with a different man. When I couldn't remember any details, I realized that my husband probably can't remember any details of his fling either. So what I was imagining in my head probably was 78 times worse than reality. Also, all we know about people is the stories we believe about them. I told myself that my husband was faithful. That's the story I had told myself, and that was my reality. When I found out he had cheated, I started telling myself other stories, like, "she was better in bed than I am, he probably thinks about her when he's with me." I started believing these painful stories, even though I had no evidence of them. So I did something else; I told myself GOOD stories, "He really does love me, and he probably felt horrible after sleeping with her and he couldn't wait to see me again."

 

Ugh, sorry, I started rambling again. What I am trying to say is that these people suggesting that the victims just "get over it" are probably trying to help. Dwelling on pain only makes a person miserable. Deciding to be happy and changing your thoughts to positive imaginings makes a person feel better. Perhaps the wording, "Get over it; leave the past in the past" was said with love and not judgement.

[Later82012]

^^^^Nice. He has the disease and you take the treatment.

 

Is there any significance to the number 78?

[jwi71]

This bull**** also applies to child rapists.... they also can change and look very nice while you date them... but they keep being child rapists and honestly I don't think many people would like to date one knowingly ... what do you think??? I also would not like to date a woman with no self respect who thinks sex is some kind of sport...

 

What?

 

Where did you get child rapists from?

 

Oh...I get it...you're going to conjure up a wild extreme to prove your point and somehow invalidate mine.

[Got it]

To some, her sexual past is her business and that shouldn't influence the actual day to day interactions that you two have had.

 

To others, sexual history, proclivities, etc are of such a priority that it will color everything.

 

It seems you are at a crossroads. Where to do you fall and is this the hill you want to die on?

 

Right now you are in limbo, you aren't moving forward but staying in the past. Yes she lied, and yes your perception of her has changed. You need to decide if you can reconcile with her or if not divorce. And yes I understand divorcing would be hard, a lot of obstacles but as those who are in affairs are told, those are not reasons, just excuses.

 

Can you forgive this, judge her based on the number of years you two have had together and cobble a future together or is this a dealbreaker for you? It is your choice.

[standtall]

So everything that has been done in the past should be forgiven?? Would you date a killer? a rapist? a child abuser? if that was only their past???

 

pfff people has some guts on trying to defend what isn't defensible...I totally can understand Darren!

 

T

 

Lying in the past about ones sexual history is not the same as killers/rapists/abuser since one is criminal and the other is not. You are comparing apples to oranges. The fact that I have to point that out to you certainly doesn't help support your weak argument. Besides, I was posting to Darren, and not you, so I suggest you post to him and not to me as well. Otherwise, it sounds as if you are opinion policing other people. We are all entitled to have our opinion, I am not attacking yours....get it?

[standtall]

Criminal or not the past of a person is what defines that person as it is at the present moment.

 

And again the original poster is not talking about a criminal past nor am I, so it is an invalid comparison. And yes, your vague and pointless statement that ones past defines who they are is true...if and only if that person stays the same throughout their entire lives...something that is not true for anyone. Their past influences who they are, but it does not define them. I am sure that you are not without sin, so you would have to condemn yourself for life for any transgressions that you have made in your past....Paul on the road to Damascus....etc.

 

 

As far as this

I am sorry if you dislike it but this is a forum and when you post something here you can find people who disagrees and will answer you... if you don't like that just begin a blog.....

 

I do not like or dislike, I am merely pointing out that you should be trying to respond to the OP and sway his thought process instead of going around trying to correct someone else's. I don't need your advice or opinion, and i certainly didn't ask for it...the poster did.