Im sick of hearing the past is the past

[DarrenK]

So everything that has been done in the past should be forgiven?? Would you date a killer? a rapist? a child abuser? if that was only their past???

 

pfff people has some guts on trying to defend what isn't defensible...I totally can understand Darren!

 

The thing is that Darren was hold hostage with a lie, he would have never dated that woman if she would have been honest with him, so she knowingly mislead him so he would marry her. She took his right of choice and now he finds he is married with a different woman he thought he was married... That is shocking and painful!.... and definitely DIFFICULT to forgive!

 

It is only up to him if he wants to continue the relationship but honestly I don't know if I could endure it!

thank you very much for understanding I absolutely love my kids and yes still love my wife it doesn't just go away but ......sometimes I look at her especially when were intimate its so hard to not letter those horrible images in my head....I still treat her with love but I can't lie I'm so sad and am in misery .I ask people to please not attack me I don't have a big ego im just saying I'm a good catch and I chose not to sleep around not because I couldn't as some think has to be the reason some men don't .

[DarrenK]

Very good! you got it all by yourself!...

 

Your point invalidates by itself... you are trying to say that the one who changed is Darren and it actually is true but the reason of the change is the knowledge that was withheld from him about who his wife really is and what her values are in something as important as sex are, he was hold hostage with a lie, he married a lie (as she was not what she pretended to be), he was therefore deceived to the way that he married her...

What I am trying to proof with my point is that the past matters, rapist, abuser, compulsive cheater or just a promiscuous person, the person who is going to commit with you have the right to know and have the freedom to chose... she took that freedom from him when she lied. To my point of view it is as bad as cheating...

 

I come back to my example, so you are with a guy who is committed to you, caring and loving and you then find out he had molested other woman, or he killed his family when he was a child... would it change the perspective for you? He is still the caring and loving man you knew before.... why would you change your way to look at him?? At the end of the day knowledge is all, and you can't pretend your wife is a princess if she is a $lut, if that is important for you (that is Darren case) he feels cheated and deceived and I understand it because the way a woman approach sex is also a very (and I mean VERY) important decision parameter for me too when I am going to seriously date a woman.

 

I could not have said it better myself that's exactly how I feel and I still love her but something has changed and I feel hurt and disturbed .I do believe everyone deserves love in life but they should tell the truth about their pasts so they get in a relationship by choice.and sexual past is more important then others imo because you SHARE that gift you SHARE your bodies ....and when you find out the most privite thing in your relationship has been seen shared given to so many others for nothing but lust yeah it hurts.

[jwi71]

thank you very much for understanding I absolutely love my kids and yes still love my wife it doesn't just go away but ......sometimes I look at her especially when were intimate its so hard to not letter those horrible images in my head....I still treat her with love but I can't lie I'm so sad and am in misery .I ask people to please not attack me I don't have a big ego im just saying I'm a good catch and I chose not to sleep around not because I couldn't as some think has to be the reason some men don't .

 

If you are so sad and in misery and cannot live a lie - then stop making love to your former porn star W, file for D and move out.

 

Otherwise, it seems as if you are doing just that - living a lie and using your W for sex. Which seems quite hypocritical to me - I mean its ok for YOU to live a lie but not your W?

[Got it]

Meandmyself - no, he has not forgiven her. Forgiveness does not look like this.

[KungFuJoe]

thank you very much for understanding I absolutely love my kids and yes still love my wife it doesn't just go away but ......sometimes I look at her especially when were intimate its so hard to not letter those horrible images in my head....I still treat her with love but I can't lie I'm so sad and am in misery .I ask people to please not attack me I don't have a big ego im just saying I'm a good catch and I chose not to sleep around not because I couldn't as some think has to be the reason some men don't .

 

If you don't mind me asking...how was your upbringing? Specifically, how was your relationship with your mom?

[DarrenK]

If you don't mind me asking...how was your upbringing? Specifically, how was your relationship with your mom?

Well I'm an open book so I will tell you it was good I was raised by a single mom worked her butt off for my brother and I she was a good women never did drugs raised me to RESPECT women .and I want to respond to the other posts no I don't hit or abuse my wife or cheat I still struggle with this issue I've gone to counseling marriage counseling and even hypnosis to try to get past this I have done my best as a husband to forgive and forget ....and who are anyone to says I'm living a lie I'm 100% honest about my feelings I love her still attractied to her but ....yes there's the but that the those attacki.g me are waiting for I'm still sad hurt and get images in my head that really mess with me ...now again I believe I've been respectful to her and am still trying that's all I can say...as for those giving me hell ask yourself why ?what the hell did I do to be the dick head? My entire life I've been a good guy and I'm proud of that .

[DarrenK]

If you are so sad and in misery and cannot live a lie - then stop making love to your former porn star W, file for D and move out.

 

Otherwise, it seems as if you are doing just that - living a lie and using your W for sex. Which seems quite hypocritical to me - I mean its ok for YOU to live a lie but not your W?

 

So because I still am intimate with my wife I'm a lying scum?lol I don't treat her horrible I stil am the same loving guy as before but definitely I struggle inside I'm honest with myself and her she knows things have been hard and she knows ive gone to counseling with her and alone this issue is the hardest thing I've ever been threw and ive lost many loved ones almost died myself from health scares so for you to say I'm now the same as a misleading lying person or blames no on me because guess what I'm not ! My counselors encouraged me to leave because of her lies and pain but i love are kids and. Family and I want to make sure I try my hardest to give all I can before giving up like others do that alone shows my character as a person

[jwi71]

So because I still am intimate with my wife I'm a lying scum?lol I don't treat her horrible I stil am the same loving guy as before but definitely I struggle inside I'm honest with myself and her she knows things have been hard and she knows ive gone to counseling with her and alone this issue is the hardest thing I've ever been threw and ive lost many loved ones almost died myself from health scares so for you to say I'm now the same as a misleading lying person or blames no on me because guess what I'm not ! My counselors encouraged me to leave because of her lies and pain but i love are kids and. Family and I want to make sure I try my hardest to give all I can before giving up like others do that alone shows my character as a person

 

It's seems disingenuous to me to castigate her for her previous sexual history, post repeatedly about how "wrong she was" and continue sleeping with her. That's the "lie".

 

If after all this therapy this is all the progress that you have made - I would agree with your therapists. Leave and find a woman who will not cause you such distress with her past behavior. Why choose to live like this?

 

If you are incapable of forgiving her and that's ok, some "crimes" are unforgivable - clearly your W's past as a sex worker is too much.

 

Good luck whatever you choose

[Got it]

He is with her right? He is not hitting her or calling her names the whole time right? For what I read he has forgave her... just not forget what happened and it bugs him

 

Wow, that is forgiveness to you? Not physically or emotionally abusing someone. By just being there?

 

Me - what does forgiveness mean to you? If someone forgives you for something, what does that look like?

 

for·give (fr-gv, fôr-)

v. for·gave (-gv), for·giv·en (-gvn), for·giv·ing, for·gives

v.tr.

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

v.intr.

To accord forgiveness.

[jwi71]

Dang it, took the bait didn't I?

Doh!

[Got it]

Wow you are pretty good in copy and paste descriptions...

 

Since you are so helpful please refer to your nr. 1!!! That is what he has done... If he would have not done that he would have left her already...

 

Me, are you always little Mary Sunshine or are we just lucky enough to be exposed to it?

 

Why do you assume that someone must have forgiven if they haven't left someone. Do you not believe that someone could stay with a person even if they don't forgive them? So your only evidence of forgiveness is that he is still in the house with her?

 

Why are you so combative? You don't have a dog in this fight. Why so emotional?

[Nyla]

And again the original poster is not talking about a criminal past nor am I, so it is an invalid comparison. And yes, your vague and pointless statement that ones past defines who they are is true...if and only if that person stays the same throughout their entire lives...something that is not true for anyone. Their past influences who they are, but it does not define them. I am sure that you are not without sin, so you would have to condemn yourself for life for any transgressions that you have made in your past....Paul on the road to Damascus....etc.

 

 

As far as this

 

 

I do not like or dislike, I am merely pointing out that you should be trying to respond to the OP and sway his thought process instead of going around trying to correct someone else's. I don't need your advice or opinion, and i certainly didn't ask for it...the poster did.

 

Very true.

 

Nobody is ever "forced" into a relationship. It is all about choice.

 

I have been abused in many ways, so does that mean I will be a victim forever? Hell naw. I am a SURVIVOR; my experiences have given me compassion and strength. They do not define me.

 

Some men are sensible enough to realize that if they have not been chaste angels, it is ridiculous to expect the same from a woman. I am so glad that I married a progressive man, not one who lives in the dark ages.

[jwi71]

The thing is that Darren was lied to and therefore forced into a relationship with someone totally different to what she sold him.... that is the part that is not right... she violated his right of choice...

 

You seem to have calmed down so I'll try and re-engage.

 

I understand the point about the lies. Her sexual past was A but she lied and said B. Based on this, our protagonist marries her, has a son and from what anyoe can tell a good, happy and fruitful M. Had she been honest and said B our hero may decide to walk.

 

And in that we have our answer as to why she lied. She lied to have the opportunity to have her son and a good, happy and fruitful M WITH the man she loved - our hero of the story. She could have told truth and reasonably expected to find love with another - this thread is proof that there are men who would not be bothered by this. But she wanted our hero. So she lied. And since we have no indication of an A - she remain faithful and loyal. In other words, they had a good, happy and fruitful M. So yes, the W changed. For the better as those behaviors ended - and she is now a good, happy loyal W.

 

Her past behaviors do NOT change the fact that BEFORE her lies were exposed she was a good W in a good, happy and fruitful M. This is why the past doesn't matter. It doesn't invalidate the M and all the good that came of it. It's still just as real. Just as solid.

 

What did change for the worse was our Hero's perception. He now sees all that has transpired as a lie founded on a breach of trust. In our Hero's mind all the good times and happy M no longer exists. They were invalidated by the lie. He received, a false bill of goods.

 

But did he?

 

Was his W and M not good and happy?

 

How has he received a false bill of goods if he wanted a good and happy and got one?

 

He didn't of course. He got what he wanted.

 

What changed was his perception of his W. and I think we all would experience that - especially if it's a radical shift. But it does NOT undo the good and happy M that exists in his memories. The good and happy M still existed.

 

It's resentment and a lack of forgiveness. To forgive is to no longer have I'll affects upon remembering her past before M. To realize that past was cast aside by his W so THEY could have the good and happy M they enjoyed.

 

I wouldn't blame anyone for being upset hurt and angry.

 

But it doesn't change history. It was a good and happy M before our hero knew. She loved him and was a good W and mother.

 

Change your thinking. Don't dwell on ancient wrongs. Instead, look at all the GOOD in the M, the GOOD changes SHE made and the GOOD life they have enjoyed.

 

The past doesn't matter. Especially here.

[jwi71]

Just to say that she lied to have a happy marriage with him does not mean that she was right to do so...that argument would also be valid for cheating... within that parameter actually you can do everything you want as long as the other person doesn't know and therefore keep happy and loving you because he doesn't know...

 

I wouldn't equate this with cheating. Not. Even. Close.

And I NEVER said or insinuated that "you can do anything as long as you don't get caught". Nor have I defended her decision to lie - it was clearly wrong. What I said was it had no material impact on the quality of their M - because they had a good happy and fruitful M until this came out.

 

If that is a valid argument for you then I guess you and I have a totally different point of view and we won't ever get to an agreement.

 

This is the likely outcome.

 

So lets say that you are very happy in your marriage and then you find that your wife has cheated on you with every man in town and moreover the ones you thought to be your children are not yours... but you have been happy till then.. does that invalidate your happy marriage?? Now the ball is on your side of the field...

 

You clearly don't know HOW I came to LS.

Let me help. Here is my first post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/159343-over

 

This is NOT cheating. She never betrayed him, to our knowledge, while they were together - married or otherwise. All she did is lie about her promiscuity. And it had ZERO affect on the M (until he found out that is).

 

You know in some countries is not bad seen to steal from others as long you don't get caught... is that the idea you want to defend?

 

And what did she steal?

What did her lie cost him?

Because from what I read, he had a good happy and fruitful M with her all that time. Still does apparently.

 

You know, I would 100% agree with you IF their M was crap. And because of his crappy M, his life was miserable and unhappy - and she lied and cheated and whored around town.

 

Because he did NOT say that...hell, he said it was GOOD, then her lie cost him nothing. He had a good life and M despite the lie. HE wanted a good happy and fruitful life and M with his W...and got it.

 

I think that's a difference we will not bridge. I see the positives and you seem to focus on the negatives.

[DarrenK]

I wouldn't equate this with cheating. Not. Even. Close.

And I NEVER said or insinuated that "you can do anything as long as you don't get caught". Nor have I defended her decision to lie - it was clearly wrong. What I said was it had no material impact on the quality of their M - because they had a good happy and fruitful M until this came out.

 

 

 

This is the likely outcome.

 

 

 

You clearly don't know HOW I came to LS.

Let me help. Here is my first post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/159343-over

 

This is NOT cheating. She never betrayed him, to our knowledge, while they were together - married or otherwise. All she did is lie about her promiscuity. And it had ZERO affect on the M (until he found out that is).

 

 

 

And what did she steal?

What did her lie cost him?

Because from what I read, he had a good happy and fruitful M with her all that time. Still does apparently.

 

You know, I would 100% agree with you IF their M was crap. And because of his crappy M, his life was miserable and unhappy - and she lied and cheated and whored around town.

 

Because he did NOT say that...hell, he said it was GOOD, then her lie cost him nothing. He had a good life and M despite the lie. HE wanted a good happy and fruitful life and M with his W...and got it.

 

I think that's a difference we will not bridge. I see the positives and you seem to focus on the negatives.

Ok well I really need to give some back round here to help this thread and then I will respond to your post ok so when I met my wife I was a single gut working ,had a place ,didn't drink for years because of health issues ,I was always seen as a player type to others for some reason because of my looks and confidence ?I worked as a host /waiter I was 23 almost 24 ,I dated a few girls but if I didn't feel a connection I didn't sleep with her I always looked for a girl that would want a family and real relationship. But I found most girls out there at the bars or single life only wanted sex or fun with me so I basically was just gunna be single until I found someone that thought and believed like I did.well soon after I met the girl that's now my wife she was pretty not some fake superficial girl she actually came on to me pretty strong was extremely flirtatious I hung out but after the first time we hungout we talk like high school kids for hours on phone I mean hours !!!that's where the lies began she started asking about everything I told her everything I liked her one thing I shared was I had a lot of health issues from age 15 on I struggled with breathing ,weakness ,shaky feeling all over I had to see tons of specailists and years of tests surgeries suffering ....they basically said I had a serious auto immune desiese then had no name??I know bubble boy lol I was allergic to almost every medicine known to man and treating pain was impossible also I was born with a crooked hyoid bone and supior cornu of the thyroid cartridge so I actually would choke from bones in my throat so ....I'm telling this because it will become very evident later so......after talking her telling me all about her life or her story I fell for her hard not because of looks or but because she told me she NEVER did one night stand that they were disgusting !!that people that do that are messed up she told me lie after lie I can't still remember those conversations its the main reason I chose her

.ok after the 3rd time hanging out she wanted to know if I wanted to come upstairs well ...we had sex ...for me this was crazy but in my mind it was ok because it felt like some love story ..way out of character for me and for her I THOUGHT ..she right after said I can't believe we sleep together so soon !she said over and over ..well then we dated for awhile 8 months and everything was amazing she told me are experiences were her first like showering together baths,certain sex positions,places things all were lies !after 8 months she got pregnant I was so scared but happy at the same time ! Then soon after I proposed to her in my bathtub with bubbles and candlesWHY THERE ...?because that was suposivly are special thing ?so then she said yes

 

 

We got married in a grand ball room that day I finally found a girl like me ! So after married things changed in every way possible its like she changed ?sex life gone ,romance gone ,closeness gone!!,and her being loving and caring and suppotive GONE ...but whats a guy to do?I loved her I would talk to her about are sex life she would tell me to go **** someone else !I would say ....I want you babe ?when I had 3 major surgeries and bone marrow biopsy ,muscle biopsy ,she would be so rude uncaring andsay call your mom I'm not your nurse!!!this went on for years !!I tried everything to be loving but nothing back she used to love sex oral sex was so passionate and sweet ?I even found out that I used to take her to dinner where we met and i used to work as a fun thing found out some gangster black dude that worked there and he was even are waiter !!!she used to **** him when they worked togather ...and he had a girlfriend at the time !!this was before but still we ate there many times she never said a thing !!!!!so when I found out I was angry !I mean that's so disrespectful .so this was a year ago and she then decided to come clEanand tell me it all ,drugs,thugs,two men in one night ,lesbian stuff,3ways,random blow jobs,jackingguysoff ,sex with drug dealers,****ing a guy to take his virginity then not date him ,sex,in cars ,hot tubs,hotels,outside,and all this but cant make love or treat me right?her husband ?I raised her two kids as my own because I believed her story that he was a dead beat thug in andout prison ...but she never said that she continued agreeing him andanother guy in the same gang!!! So I'm suppoused to act like these lies are ok ?she was horrible to me but was loving to gang thugs?so now she's trying to be back to before at the beginning and being sexual and carding because she knows I was gunna leave .....but now for a year I've been a wreck mentally .

 

So no my marriage was not good I gave 100%but got lttle in return ....I now have three amazing kids and a home but I don't know where to go from here

[Got it]

I am nor more nor less calmed than before, I am usually very passionate about topics that are in my interest.

You have already defended this idea previously in the thread and I have already that I do agree that the one that has changed is Darren... there is not doubt about it, the knowledge about his wife's pass changed him...

 

 

Just to say that she lied to have a happy marriage with him does not mean that she was right to do so...that argument would also be valid for cheating... within that parameter actually you can do everything you want as long as the other person doesn't know and therefore keep happy and loving you because he doesn't know... If that is a valid argument for you then I guess you and I have a totally different point of view and we won't ever get to an agreement. So lets say that you are very happy in your marriage and then you find that your wife has cheated on you with every man in town and moreover the ones you thought to be your children are not yours... but you have been happy till then.. does that invalidate your happy marriage?? Now the ball is on your side of the field...

 

You know in some countries is not bad seen to steal from others as long you don't get caught... is that the idea you want to defend?

 

Me, you can be passionate about a topic without ridiculing, denouncing, or insulting the other person. It is about knowing how to debate a topic withougt taking pot shots. Argue the facts, argue them enthusiastically, but it loses it's impact when you start to focus on the other person. That is what we are talking about. You make so very valid points, don't lose them in the personal attacks. Stay on topic.

 

And while I don't agree with your stance on women and their sexuality, especially because I suspect you do not hold men to the same standards. I do agree with the premise that when gambles on a lie you do lose the ability to control the other party's reaction if/when they find out.

 

While I don't agree that she is a different person and that their marriage is different because of the sheer fact that she had a more vivid sex life than known. The decision to lie about it, and taking the other part's right to making a decision, also negates the person who lied ability to control or prevent the other party's decisions/reactions when the lie is found out.

 

Lying is a gamble and you have to be open to and accepting of the consequences if you choose to do so.

 

For me, it wouldn't make a major difference. Now if I found out my partner lied and was actually a raving conservative Republican and I have sat here thinking he was this peace loving Democrat, now we have a different ball or wax. :laugh: (just jokes!)

 

Bottom line, we will all have different priorities, expectations, and desires. It isn't wrong if it doesn't match up with others, it doesn't mean that they are wrong either, but it is what it is and we have to either honor our beliefs or see if there is room to compromise. If not, it becomes a square peg round hole.

[jwi71]

1st- I know very well what your background about cheating is (actually the same as mine!)

2nd- What is the difference of a woman sleeping with other men previous to the marriage and during the marriage? At the end of the day they are men who have been with your wife... Well the difference is the betrayal and the lies that come with it... If you would agree with her sleeping around it would not be cheating right? Well Darren had his dday the day that he found out that his wife slept with 15 more men she actually told him... and the way that she did it... For him just in a second she had slept with 15 other men (that was new for him!)... ok it was before she married him but how that doesn't change that she lied about it.

3rd- About being happily married before he found out... were you not happy before you found out about your wife cheating? Does that justify her for lying to you about it? Did your perception about your wife changed? Would you have preferred not to know and to keep living your happy life while your wife was sleeping around happily too? Because following your theory as long as she made you happy she had the right to lie and forsake you.. So if your wife made you happy while she was cheating her cheating did not affected the quality of the M right???

4rth- He was trapped into a relationship... how would you like to know your free will has been taken from you and that you have been played? She played him intentionally to get him to do what she wanted... how is in any way right????

 

One of the wonderful things in life is we can agree to disagree.

We will not agree - I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me.

To further continue is just a waste of time really.

 

DarrenK-

Well, your latest diatribe was a tad bit important no?

Before that the impression was of a good M.

Since it was not, file for D and move on with your life. Hopefully you'll find a better match.

[Got it]

Thank you on your unrequested appreciation about my way of communicating!

Having said that lying is not a gamble... specially in something you know is important to the other person... lying is deceiving the recipient of the lie and creating a fake reality around the relationship that those two persons have.

 

Regarding my stance about women and their sexuality you may be more wrong than right... I do respect every woman and their right to do with their body what they want... I just would not want to date one of those women as for me it is a turn off the idea of so many others having sex with the woman I love. It is personal and I am in my right to have this turn off like someone can decide they don't want to date someone who smokes... for example..

 

The thing that I can't accept is how this woman lied to trap this man... is just totally outrageous!

 

Where did I say you didn't respect women? You are very good at assuming and jumping off half cocked without actually trying to read what is written. Am I wrong that you don't hold men to the same standards? Did I say you were wrong to have this preference?

 

Where did I say "lying was a gamble"? I said that when one lies they gamble on how the other person is going to react. Two completely different points and topics.

 

You really lose sight of the forest for the trees. Do you actually read what is written before you start putting together your response?

[DarrenK]

Hey to those that continue to say past is past to me and say I had no right to know .......here's a few more details I found out !she slept with a known gang member and he sold drugs and carries a gun at times I saw pictures of him and friends throwing gang sighns and in pictures with her kids !!!!yeah her kids were around him 6 months before me got clamitia from him! And stayed friends she also had a one night stand with a drug dealer and she ****ed him with her kids and dad visiting down stairs ??! And guess what this guys now in jail for rapeing 10 women !! And CNN did a story ABOUT HIM !!not a troll I swear I will post link if don't believe !!so really past is past!!!I should just look past these lies and disgusting behaviors

[Got it]

Hey to those that continue to say past is past to me and say I had no right to know .......here's a few more details I found out !she slept with a known gang member and he sold drugs and carries a gun at times I saw pictures of him and friends throwing gang sighns and in pictures with her kids !!!!yeah her kids were around him 6 months before me got clamitia from him! And stayed friends she also had a one night stand with a drug dealer and she ****ed him with her kids and dad visiting down stairs ??! And guess what this guys now in jail for rapeing 10 women !! And CNN did a story ABOUT HIM !!not a troll I swear I will post link if don't believe !!so really past is past!!!I should just look past these lies and disgusting behaviors

 

Darren, view are saying that you need to look past these with no thought or concern. Full Stop. What most have been saying is you need to decide if you can look past them and find a way to reconcile with her.

 

Like I have said, you need to figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you. And if it is, there is nothing wrong with that. You just need to go one way or another, right now you are very unhappily stuck in limbo.

[DarrenK]

Yeah your right its up to me of what to do next ....I just get the feeling people out there act as if its in the past who cares and I care !!I about truth ,trust ,love ,and honesty ,and yeah I understand people live life make mistakes but what I'm going threw is not your average situation

 

I really hope I get the strength to move on because I can't look at her the same I can't hurt this bad inside ...I can't trust a wife that's lied for so many years pretending she was like me and someone that valued sex and love . That you for all your posts and please by all means continue ....with respect to all thanks for advise

[Got it]

Yeah your right its up to me of what to do next ....I just get the feeling people out there act as if its in the past who cares and I care !!I about truth ,trust ,love ,and honesty ,and yeah I understand people live life make mistakes but what I'm going threw is not your average situation

 

I really hope I get the strength to move on because I can't look at her the same I can't hurt this bad inside ...I can't trust a wife that's lied for so many years pretending she was like me and someone that valued sex and love . That you for all your posts and please by all means continue ....with respect to all thanks for advise

 

Darren, we are all random people on an internet board. What does it matter what we think? What does it matter what anyone thinks? What matters is what you think and feel for yourself. I urge you get into IC if you aren't currently in it or stay in it and have these talks with your therapist. You are really struggling and you need professional help. If you don't feel like your IC is giving you what you need, find another. You need to really focus on your health and happiness as you can't give your kids what they need if you aren't there yourself.

[shalisha42]

How can people say the past is the past or take these lying men and women's side??its disgusting?

Ok this is more of a post rather than a question and I've been wanting to post this for awhile and feel I want to be an advocate to those that have been hurt and lied to and has damaged there lives so with that said here I go .thismay be all over the place and not the most intellectual post ever but non the less VERY VERY important !ok I see al over the internet posts stories threads about this subject and I so sick and tired of seeing men women and good people being ridiculed and called names for having morals or feelings or simply struggling with various issues involving there partners past weather its cheating ,numerous sexual partners or disgusting behavior !! So I want to defend those that have been hurt and tell them its ok to feel hurt or to have a negative judgment if they did disturbing things and lied to cover there tracks !in todays society its sick that people defend the ones that did these things saying things like the past is the past !or people change look at them now "don't judge others!who cares if they did that?so let's look at some stories I've read and see peoples responses ?first a man married for years has kids been an amazing dad husband and finds out wife lied and said she was with 3 guys turns out she used to do porn videos !!!the man devastated by this comes unravaled and starts hurting and is sad deppressed and feels he cant look at her the same .or that he feels that the relationship was based on lies so the poor guy posts online for advice and all the guy hears is comments like"dude get over it its the past who cares "or she's the same women you married"or this is just you being insecure "or my favorite numbers don't matter who cares get over it???really people that's what this sick society thinks???I can speak in my own situation that I'm married 3 kids and great husband faithful loving caring man that i have battled with this issue my with lied to me about everything to get me to marry her !she did absolutely disgusting things 3ways 2 men in one night sex with strangers stds ,sex with gang members drug dealers and some of these she was a mom of 2 at the time and at the bar screwing random thugs...I met her all i knew was she was a single mom pretty ,nice,fun,and I was extremely open honest about my past when SHE brought up the subject of sex I told her everything as you should cause unlike people who say "don't ask don't tell "or past is past never talk about it !"I don't believe its not my business !it is if anyone is going to spend there life with that person ..its not the other persons choice it is our choice who we marry or seriously date !!its just like buying a car miles ,conditions ,red flags,baggage !,not the car dealers choice what car we buy !!think about it seriously if you lie on a resume and get caught do you get fired ?do you get the job only if the employer decides to.now I know its not exactly the same but my point is this YES man or women I'm not sexist imo man or women that sleep around and treat sex as nothing but having coffee and devalue it to nothing .I'm saying that people can do whatever there hearts desire if you wanna screw 15 -100 people fine but don't lie !don't trick someone with opposite values to marry you and pick you when they deserve the truth and someone with similar views.I hear people attack guys like me call me names and im none of these things #1im not a hypocrite I have not done things like this I've been with9 people #2 I'm not ugly or insecure ..I'm 6'3 230 great looking former model !and im not a wuss #3 I'm not a religious guy Nope !#4 I'm not a sexist man or woman who act like sluts are nasty #5im amazing in bed and not insecure of others size lol I'm great down there ......now my point for usei.g me as an example is its not because of these BULLS*** reasons it hurts us its because we love are partners and care about connection respect and values in the person we spend our lives witg .so I wanna hear from all the men and women that are effected by this and to know that this world is messed up and its not you thats the issue .and for all those that wanna attack me bring it lol

 

 

Sounds like you need to get over something. How about talking to a therapist?

[standtall]

darren..pull yourself together there for your kids sake and do what shalisha suggested and get into some IC.

[shalisha42]

Sounds like you need to get over something. How about talking to a therapist?

 

I might also add that you are picking the wrong people. In any relationship there are red flags. If you choose to ignore them, it's on you. Liars cheaters, abusers, always send us red flags.

 

We choose to ignore them though. You just pretended they weren't there and now you don't want to take responsibility for the fact that you ignored obvious red flags.

 

The past is the past. Now learn from it, stop being bitter, and pay attention to red flags.