Really big Problems

[Bren]

Hi All

 

I need some help. I have just finished building a house - I pick my keys up on Friday - I built this house for me and my boyfriend and for our future together - but now he has gone all pysco saying that its my house (which it is) and how can he feel like a man living in my house.

 

He is also spending heaps of time with his friends lately, like 3 out of 5 nights and I tried to talk to him about it and he says that this is the way its going to be. If I dont like it I should break up with him, he doesnt care either way, he is happy. This breaks my heart - I have been with him 4 years.

 

What should I do ?? And what should I do with the house.

 

I need help, big time.

[Tony T]

Sounds like he's got a big male ego problem. First, he probably figures you will hold a lot of stuff over his head because he will be living in your house. Of course, he hasn't been generous enough to offer to pay you monthly rent to put him on an even keel with you. If he paid for his part of living in he house (no down payment, just rent), this power thing would cease.

 

Now, he's putting his foot down about being with his friends because, in his mind, he's not about to relinquish any power in his life to you just because you are going to be putting a roof over his head.

 

All this behavior is very typical in people who have been treated too nicely. My bet is that you have been extremely kind, generous, thoughtful, considerate, sweet, etc. for the entire duration of this relationship. Believe it or not, we always think our kindnesses will be repaid the same way, but that's not the way it often works. People have all kinds of head problems and many just can't handle someone like you being so nice.

 

You probably even built this house because you thought it would make your relationship with him all that much better. You probably had HIM in mind more than yourself. Also, don't dismiss the possiblity that he may feel because he has you so wrapped around his finger, he can take all kinds of advantage of you...including living in your house free and doing anything he damned well pleases, including seeing his friends four nights a week.

 

So, you need to stop being so nice. Let him know if he still wants to live with you, he will have to pay half the going rent for a home such as yours. He's getting a bargain because he can live in a brand new home without paying the down payment, have a beautiful woman inside, for only half the rent.

 

Next, let him know it's just fine for him to spend time with his friends. Letting him think you don't care will give him the illusion of freedom and it is likely he will spend more time with you and not feel so obligated. But also let him know that on the days when he is with his friends, you will occupy yourself with your friends and other activities.

 

Keep in mind his head stuff and act accordingly. Be very sensitive to that. Don't give him too much or be so nice. It is NOT in your best interests now. I guess it goes back to the man being kind of his castle...but in the case of the two of you, since you own the house, you would be both King and Queen.

 

Do whatever you can do to get him over this. If you confront him with this, he is likely to get very defensive and really pissed so pretend you just don't know what's going on in his head. Trust me with this one. Use your best psychology to make him feel he is the KING. Do that and you will have no problem.

 

My guess is that you are going to have serious problems carrying out my suggestions because you are too nice to put your foot down. Well, if you don't you will forever destroy this relationship...it won't even be one...and you will never have his respect. You are just going to have to change for once in your life and act like you know you have to, and NOT so sweetsie sweetsie. It is also my guess that this is NOT the first time you have been stepped on by someone you were really nice to.

 

Now if you don't want to go through all the trouble I have suggested, order your troops to have him beheaded.

 

P.S. If something terrible happens, I'd be real proud to live in your house free of charge, as long as meals are ready when I get home from work and that you massage my tired feet when they need it. But, in return, I will spend only two nights a week with my friends...and only one night a week with the guys.

[Bren]

Tony,

 

I know that he has big head problems, I know that real good. He was in a concentration camp before coming to my country, he has problems with commitment and with wanting his freedom. BUT I want him to respect me, to give me some of his time. He did go good there for a while but now he has gone back to his "old" ways.

 

I have the problem that I cant break up with, I need help, but when I approached my health clinic, they couldn't help me. I cant afford to go see a professional councellor - Tony can you help me ????

[Tony T]

Sorry, you're a big girl. If you want to break up with this guy, you're just going to have to tell him...and BEFORE he moves all his stuff into your new house.

 

This is not a problem for a health clinic. It is a problem for you to be assertive. You did not indicate in your original post that you wanted to break up with him. You are the only one that can do this. You just have to take charge of your life and be assertive.

 

So, no other way out here. You are going to have to stand up for yourself.

[Bren]

I am also scared that if I do break up with him, that I will never find anyone else (I am 26). After my last boyfriend I was single for 4 years, I am getting to old for this now. I have friends, but they all have boyfriends/husbands, and you know the old story - they are too self involved to worry about me. I am scared, I think I have made a big mistake buying this house, and I really dont know what to do - or how to fix this ! Please help me !

[Tony T]

Well, lady, in my book 26 is pretty young. And are you telling me it is better to step in manure right now than to wait a while for grass to be planted? That's what you're saying when you say you are afraid you'll never find anyone else. I makes me sick to hear that because it simply is not true.

 

As Jonathon said in the novel "Jonathon Livingston Seagul": "Your whole body is nothing more than your mind in a form you can see. Break away the chains that bind your mind...and you break away the chains that bind your body too."

 

You need to change your thinking about this entire issue. You weren't put on this planet to be a prisoner to events. Why should you condemn yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness and stay with a guy who is a complete jerk. That is insane. Unless you live in a town of 20 people, have no transportation and the nearest village is 1,000 miles away, you have no excuse whatsoever for not finding a terrific match for yourself.

 

There are also hundreds of excellent matching sites on the Internet where you can find someone perfect for yourself. I'm very sorry, but I can't help you much beyond this point. I'm not here to plan and/or run your life. You have to do that yourself. But let me tell you one thing straight, the absolute worst, most terrible, painful case of loneliness is not nearly as bad as a screwed up relationship.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself...stop being scared because you have no basis for either. Kick this guy out of your life, smile, and look forward to a quality relationship, even if it takes a while to find.

[Bren]

Tony,

 

In a twisted chain of events, my boyfriend told me last night that he thinks that I am too possesive and that he now wants to be single. I treat him like a god, and this is what he does !!!!

 

I hate this life !!!!!!!!!!

[sparkle]

Bren,

I treat him like a god, and this is what he does !!!!

Treating someone like a god without expecting to be treated like a goddess in return allows him to walk all over you, to use you, to be unappreciative, to take it all for granted. It's kind of like spoiling a child. Then when he becomes a brat, you're shocked at his behavior, but then you're to blame as well. You can't give, give, give, give all the time. On the same token, you can't take take take all the time either. It's 50/50. Give and take.

 

Let him be single. In fact, YOU leave HIM.

 

Do not argue.

 

Do not plead.

 

Do not ask him to stay.

 

Do not beg him to stay.

 

Get rid of him.

 

I know it's much easier to say it than to actually do it. But it's not that difficult. You're young, you WILL find someone else.

 

You've got your own house now. You think it might've been a mistake. Well at least you're the one with the house. You've got it. It's not like he's kicking you out or it's his house. You're not losing much by losing that jerk.

 

When you get your house, maybe you can choose to rent part of it out if the extra money helps. Or just enjoy it.

 

You'll meet new people, you'll have a place of your own to bring them back to after a nice date.

[Tony T]

You are way too nice. In a perfect world, people would truly appreciate being treated like gods. But in this one, most like more of a challenge.

[Bren]

My boyfriend (??) calls me everyday at work without fail. After last night he didnt call me today. that upset me.

 

You know, my house, is being built. Well last night someone broke into it and smashed the window. I had to call him to ask him to help me fix the window (my site manager was over the other side of the city - and cant come and fix it) and you know what he said to me? That i made this up and this is just an excuse to see him. BY the way its not !! Why is he being so horrible to me ??? I didnt do anything wrong to him. Why why why ????

 

I truely hate my life !! I dont see a point to it at all !

[Tony T]

You are way over reacting to things. Calm down!!!

 

First, your boyfriend did not upset you by not calling. You upset yourself. You have to take responsiblity for how you feel. It would have been nice if he would have called, but it's not the end of the world. The fact that you are upset indicates that you are taking his calls for granted and just expecting them every night. It's good that he didn't call. Now you will appreciate them more.

 

Just like you expected and demanded that he call you, you expected and demanded that he come and fix your window. He is in no way obligated to do so. It would be very nice if he did, it would be very special to you if that happened, but it is insane and irrational to demand or expect any human being to do anything.

 

The broken glass can wait until the appropriate repairmen can fix it. I think you should leave your guy alone for a while. He is being a real a**h***. But for you to allow him to upset you is not being nice to yourself.

 

Everybody hates their life now and then. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be a point to it. But, after a good nights sleep and some nice things happening, things do get much better. Don't give up on things quite yet.

 

You will live a happier, more joyful life filled with rich experiences if you teach yourself not to expect anybody to do anything for you. That way, when they do it will be extra special.

 

I think you need to look for a new guy. The one you have now is a jerk. But don't upset yourself over it. You can't change reality.