Need advice!!

[hopless]

I broke up with my ex back in may, we had been going out for nearly two years. I broke up with her for religion reason, I am muslim she is christian, however we continued to talk almost everyday since the break up, until one weekend she no longer kept talking to me. I found out from her and friends that she is dating someone from work and from what I understand she is only doing it only to try to get over me. I know this new relationship isn't serious because I have seen my ex twice in the past month. I can tell she is upset with me but I can also tell she still cares about me. This is also the opinion of my friend and her's who was there.

 

I am trying to get her back becuase at the time that I broke up with her I didn't know who I was and was confused about many things, but I said some very mean things to her when she told me she was dating someone else and I even told her that there was no chance of us getting back together when we broke up. My question is what should I do to try to make her understand that I was wrong to break up with her b/c I know words alone won't be enough.

[uriel]

Well, given that you're still Muslim and she's still Christian, she may wonder at the sincerity of any change of heart on your part. You may have found a way to reason about this religious difference now, but how does she know that your new resolve will last? You must be dealing with a lot of family and cultural pressures.

 

Then, too, you left her AND kept her on a string. That must have been terribly hurtful to her. Now you know she's with someone else and want her back. That's typical. If she were still ostensibly yours through not moving on to someone else, would you want her now just as much?

 

She has the possibility of getting together with a guy who has no complicating factors, one who hasn't broken her heart. If you really love her and are sure you want a lasting relationship with her, you ought to tell her so. Words will be enough if you say what's in your heart and hers answers. If, however, this is just a jealous surge because you don't want any man to enjoy the same woman you did, then you ought to let her be. She deserves to be happy.

 

-- uriel

[hopless]

I just want to say that this isn't a jelous thing b/c I really do love this girl, and I do want her to be happy, granted I want her to be happy with me, but I also want her to be happy as well. I feel like we can start over but I am dead scared of telling her how I feel and when to tell her b/c I do not want my heart to be broken again. I don't think that I played her on a string, but I understand why she is dating someone else.

 

She is coming tomorow to pick me up so that we can head down to school, I don't know if I should tell her then about some of the stuff that I still feel or wait, but I am sacred of waiting b/c we may not talk again and I want to at least get some closure. Anyway i still hurt about all this and I can till she still does when we talk so if anyone has any suggestonis then i am all ears. I am going to do what think is right and hopefully she will see that I am sserioius about all this.

[uriel]

You need to tell her straight out how you feel: love her and want a relationship. You'll need to convince her -- if she's interested -- that your thinking has changed and is now stable / reliable / trustworthy. Remember, her heart was broken first and you look like you're only coming through now (after months of torturous closeness for her that you wouldn't close the deal on) because she's found someone new.

 

Your focus on your own intense feelings is getting in the way with your understanding of and empathizing with hers.

 

-- uriel

[Stringfellow]

I had been dating a gal for 7 months, when we first started dating she told me that her first marriage ended becasue she was having an affair. Her marriage ended and the affair lasted another year. She was dumped by the man she was having an affair with wh she still works with even today and within 1 months time after being dumped she was married to a completely new man. That marriage lasted 5 yrs. she said all he did was yell at her so that marriage ended as well.

We had been dating for 5 months and all was going extremely well when I asked her to marry me, she said yes and then 2 days later she came back to say no, her reasone she gave was that she said yes becasue she wanted me to feel good while she was out of town on business. She played with my emotions so badly, and I started to feel so insecure.The relationship continued and I was feeling insecure with it, we were seeing each other pretty close to daily, and about a month after that she said to me the she loved me but she now only wanted to see me on the weekends, I tried for a compromise of one day during the week but was turned down and she said that she wanted the cake and wanted to eat it to. Now I really was feeling insecure.

[Stringfellow]

We even went to talk to the minister of the church, he told her that she was contradicting herself by saying I love you, but I don't want to see you. She told the minister that I was to most kind, gentle, warm and caring man that she has ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me.

 

If I am all that, then why are we broke up today, if we know our partner has problems in certain areas don't we try to help them in those areas, I was even seeking counseling to help me in these areas so that I would be a better person for myself and her.

 

When we argued we did so about the insecurities I was feeling, instead of blanketing the flames, she just threw gas on them. What I mean by this is that when we would talk at night on the phone I would tell her I love you, she would just say goodbye. Other things as well but I wont say now.

 

So were my insecurities warranted???

 

So knowing this does anyone feel that she will realize her mistake and ever call me again, I tried to treat her like a queen, hell I would have given my life for he. There were many times in the relationship that she said that she did not deserve me and that i was too good for her. Maybe I should have listened

 

Will she ever call me as I will not call her, she dumped me, I want her to realize her mistake and want me back!

[Stringfellow]

I also need to add that my X never took the time or energy to get to know my girls ages 11 and 13. They were with us every other weekend and she never once sat down with them to talk to them, to see who they were, oh she took them shopping once or twice but that was the extent of it.

My girls and I are a package deal, if you dont want to know them then you dont want to know me, that is another reason I felt insecure in the relationship. They are now hurting and have even said that they think that they were the cause of out breakup because she did not like them, she told them she loved them but other than taking them shopping she never showed her love for them.

[hopless]

Hey yall, I told her how I felt, and believe me it took a lot of energy to do so. Everything that I told her came out of my heart and afterwards I felt better b/c it felt like someone took a load of my chest. Anyway, she was surpised about what I said and didn't "know what to say." We have been spending time together getting ready for classes and overall I can tell she is putting up a wall. She hasn't replied back to what I said and she says she doesn't want to be in a serious realtionship, but knowing her thats not true.

 

Anyway, I don't think the chances of us getting back together are good, but I know we will spend a bunch of time together since we like to do the same things. I believe the best course of action for me is to wait about 2-4 weeks, see how things go between me and her, show her that I have changed and start with the whole flower things and what not. Anyway, If anyone has any advice on this I would highly appreciate it.

[uriel]

Just be kind to her and attentive when you see her, but also give her time / space to figure out what she wants. Don't pressure her to move forward, especially physically. Don't nag her with relationship talk. Don't express frustration or jealousy.

 

On the other hand, don't move into the friend zone. No long hanging out sessions that are only as friends. You want to be her bf again -- so interact with her on that basis. More friendship-type behavior will undermine the emotional charge that was between you.

 

-- uriel

[shellen]

hmmm...i just wanted to say i broke up with my ex one yr ago due to religious reasons too..

i was not sure if i cld convert for him admist family objections

he is muslim im taoist...

but my situation is the reversed of urs...

after i found out he has a new gf it made me realized i cld lose him for gd...and also made me change my mind abt converting..

but unfortunately it was too late...

he did not want leave his current gf for me despite after a yr later he says he still loves me...

i guess i can't really advise u because im on the other side...

but i wld like to know if u were in my ex's shoes, wld u rather be w a muslim gal who u are still unsure if she's the right one for u after a yr together or with a non-muslim who is willing to covert and whom u once know u can spend the rest of ur life with but gonna face enormous objections fr her family?

 

well..as for ur situation, i guess all u can do now is give her some space and time to think abt it..

hmmm...so now u are willing to accept her without her converting to Islam or what?

and ya..being friends is a big no-no, coz it just gives her time to slowly get use to life without you and once she has completely recovered, she willl never come back to u..

[hopless]

Ok, so no to being friends, but play it cool and what not!! sounds good!! I am going to try my hardest not to do any physical stuff, so far its been really good!! As for me accepting her for being christian, the answer is yes, I am going to accept her for being christian b/c it her belief and our both of our religions have nearly the same belief system. I gots to run, so I will write back if things go bad or good! Thanks for all the help yall...

[hopless]

Ok so we have been spending time together, find out she still likes me cuz she almost said it but couldn't because of ..... this new guy, she seems that she wants me back, she wants to spend time with me, however she is dating someone else and she doesn't seem sure about him and she still is not sure about us b/c of the religion thing.

He doesn't go to our school, and he doesn't even go to college, basically a rebound! After talking with her about us and finding out this info, which I had already suspected I have made a decision to simply just be a good friend, but she still wants to spend time with me, and I'll have to be honest and I want to spend time with her, but were both just spending time together.

Overall she still likes me, she called at 3 am when her knee went out and even told me that I was the first person to know, she let me give her a back massage ..... etc.. but no kissing or anything like that. The fact of the matter I have decided not to pursue this anymore b/c she sees the change in me, she even says so, and she stil likes me... so I am not going to try anymore to get her back. I am just going to be her friend... oh she even said that she still needs some more time to figure out us and what is going to happen.... anyhow I'm just going to be her friend and when she decides that she wants me back(if that happens) then I'll take it from there, but I'm just going to me and hopefully both of us will be happy in the end.

 

 

??? so what do yall think?????

[uriel]

Yep -- good strategy. Be there, be a good friend, with no pressure. I believe she'll come back to you.

 

-- uriel

[hopless]

Ok so I have been a good friend and what not, but I have so much to say about what is happing, b/c honestly I am starting to get confuesed.

Alright, so me and her have been spending time together, she told me, like she said (yeah i still like you) and that although her bf told her not to spend time with me, she still was going to and not tell him! Yesterday I asked her what she was going to do for the night, she smiled said that the bf was going to come down and spend time with her. I get a little jeoulus, we end up going to wendy's we talk for like an hour about everything and anything, then she says she hates being a girl (like she is confuesd). She starts to tear up a bit b/c of something I said but I am not sure it was that but more she is just lost.

The point to all this is that she has admitted that she likes me, misses me, and although she told me to give her time to make her mind up, I am starting to lose hope in everything that is going on. How long should I have to wait until she makes her mind up. I mean I am talking to other girls now, she knows that I am, and she seems to be jeouls that I am. I don't even know if I want to be her friend anymore b/c its so hard for me to be around her knowing that we still like each other.

I want an answer to my question and not you only know the answer to that! Life sucks, women are so freakin complicated, especially her right now.

 

Thanks a lot

[uriel]

She's been honest about being confused, at least. She was really into you when you broke up with her. You broke her heart -- which means she doesn't fully trust you not to do it a second time. Meanwhile, she's invested something in a new relationship. Now, you've come back around and she's uncertain whether to give up this new guy for you. When she spends time with him, she's thinking about how she feels with him and comparing that to how she feels with you. Not to how she feels with you at all, but how she feels given that you dumped her once before. Should she risk something promising, for something she misses but may not hold as much promise?

 

It's not all that confusing to figure out what's going on with her. Your behavior -- talking to other girls, getting frustrated / angry -- during her decision making process isn't going to help your case. Of course, you're jealous. Of course, you wish she'd just come over to you. But, you're supposed to be demonstrating that you're loving and into her right now -- stable and trustworthy. I think if you do that, you've a good chance she'll come around.

 

If, however, she doubts you, she'll be more likely to stick with a sure thing. She doesn't want to come out of this empty handed.

 

-- uriel

[hopless]

Ok so i wrote this whole long thing earlier than it got deleted which really sucks. I think this time I am just going to paraprhase it.

Ok, after long nights thinking and what not and talking to yall and other friends, and just going out with friends over the weekend, I have finally made my decision that I am tried of being hurt all the time. I care and respect my ex very very much, as does she I hope.(well she does). But it hurts knowing that she is dating someone else, and that she is trying to move on. It also hurts knowing that we still like each other, and that when we talk the only thing holding us back is her feelings about us. I understand she still hurts, I understand she is still angry, I would be too, I also understand why she has been letting me and out of her world the past week.

 

There is no question that we still like each other, and that we feel hurt and jeleous sometimes about each other. I do when sometimes we talk about her new bf and I can see she does when I just talk about the girls that I am hanging out with. The fact is we both still care and like each other a whole lot, but I can't and don't want to be hurt anymore. I know its been only a week since me and her have been talking and I feel that there his a chance there to get back with there, but I just can't handle being hurt any more.

So i guess what I am saying in this praprase is that I haven't given up on us, but that it hurts spending time with her, but at the same time it is so much fun when I do, I want to be her friend and a good one might I say. It hurts me typing this but I think it is best that we don't get back togheter right now b/c we do hurt when we are around. I want to be with her and I want her to decide on us with out me influencing her one way or another.

I still do care and like her very much, as does she but it finally hit me that we still need more time apart, and if there was a chance for us to get back together in the future, I am not going to care if she kissed a million guys or slept with them(not saying that I want her too b/c that still would hurt.) The fact is me and her are always going to be connected one way or another b/c we both respect, like, love, care, and just like being around each other. I am going to go out experience college like I wanted too, and so should she b/c we both are only 20 and we both are wild and crazy people.

So anyway that is the short version of this... comments