Allow daughter to have sex under our roof?

[iammymum]

This is a question regarding whether we should have let our daughter have a sexual relationship with her boyfriend without us making it hard for her.

 

I need to give some background otherwise the specific questions wont make as much sense.

 

My daughter starting seeing a boy of the same age when they were both just 15yo. He was a nice boy, her treated her well, he was always respectful to us.

 

When my daughter was 15½ we found out they were having sex. His parents rang us to inform us and they were devastated about it. They grounded him, told him never to see her again and were generally going to make it very very difficult for them.

 

I spoke to my husband about it and he was very much of the same attitude. I however had a totally opposite view. I felt that they were going to do it anyway and I would rather them do it in the safety of one of our houses with full access to whatever contraception and information they needed rather than under some bridge or at the school at night. I convinced my husband that this was the right way and he agreed to support me, we met with the boys parents and I managed to convince them as well. All three of them were really unsure but I guess I was convincing so that was how we agreed to proceed.

 

We had the conversation with our daughter about love, respect, contraception, being open with us etc etc. It went fairly well after we all got over the initial embarrassment. We made sure she was always taking the pill, always used condoms, never said yes if she was unsure and we kept an open dialogue with her. It wasn’t always easy, there were times when I almost died of embarrassment when she asked very technical questions about anal sex, asked if all men’s cum tasted the same! and other things that it took me many many years to try. Some things she asked I didn’t have any idea of the answers and she was still only approaching 16yo. It was really hard sometimes to hear what my daughter was doing but I rationalized it by saying it would happen anyway and it was better that I knew. My husband was not helpful, it killed him just to hear that his little princess was doing these things so it was all up to me.

 

About a week after my daughters 16th birthday they had a major fight because he had cheated on her so we had to go through the whole grieving process with her but we also used it to reinforce why you need to be careful what guys you sleep with. I think I may have been a bit too negative about guys because a few months later she told me she was seeing another girl. Now call me hypocritical, but I just wasn’t ok with that, she was still only 16yo and this girl was nearly 18yo. So I tried not to freak out and spoke to her about it and really listened to her and she said all the right things, she really cared about this girl, it wasn’t love but I wasn’t going to able to stop it so I learned to accept it. My husband and I have been arguing over this constantly so there is always tension in the house. When they are both here together my husband spends most of his time in the shed. He blames me for this because I allowed our daughter to have sex freely when we should have followed his and the other parents advice and made it as difficult as possible for them.

 

My daughter is 17½ now, she has been with this girl for over a year now, they seem to make each other happy, I have accepted her into our family and my husband has come around somewhat and while he is not always totally comfortable around them he does his best to make her feel welcome.

 

Well that’s the background, I hope it paints the picture well enough, if any more is needed feel free to ask.

 

Now this is where the issue has started and the questions arise.

 

My daughter confided in me just last week that they, that is her and her girlfriend, now have a boyfriend. I was a bit slow to catch on to what she meant initially but it seems that they are still together but now share a boyfriend. Now I am freaking out, she is 18 in April but right now she is still only 17, this can’t be happening. I started crying in front of her which was bad but it just really got to me. My daughter just asked me to be supportive of her choices.

 

Now I am stuck. I want to say not under my roof but after all the support I have given her and all that I have allowed that is just going to be the ultimate in hypocrisy. My husband is going to go mental. I am not sure if we will survive this, at the very least all the blame will flow back to me. He will probably kick her out of the house.

 

I post this not only to ask some questions but to make others aware that sometimes the most innocent of choices in supporting your daughter can be taken too far by their young minds and end up blowing back in your face.

 

So where did I go wrong?

Should we have followed my husbands advice and made it hard?

Would that have made a difference?

Should mums and daughters be close and even talk about these things like we did?

Should we have allowed it initially but drawn a line at some point (the girlfriend)?

Should we draw the line now? Or given that she is almost 18 do we accept that she can make her own choices?

 

And I guess most importantly for me personally, how do I break this to my husband while not destroying his little princess in his eyes. Do I maybe just leave it and insist that they are free to make their own choices but they must keep it quiet?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Radu]

 

So where did I go wrong?

I don't think you went wrong so far.

Should we have followed my husbands advice and made it hard?

No, it would not have helped.

The deed was done [as they say], Pandora's box was opened and you had to deal with it.

Would that have made a difference?

I think it would have most likely increased the probability of her getting pregnant, or catching an STD.

Should mums and daughters be close and even talk about these things like we did?

My mum never did talk to me or my sister, so i had to make my own education in the matter. It wasn't easy, i started with medical books.

I wish she did though, i think you did the right thing, though the sperm question kinda me shout 'wtf'.

Should we have allowed it initially but drawn a line at some point (the girlfriend)?

Personally i don't see much difference between the boyfriend and the girlfriend apart from the fact that in the latter's case, she won't get your own daughter pregnant.

Should we draw the line now? Or given that she is almost 18 do we accept that she can make her own choices?

I believe that once they tasted the forbidden fruit, they would not have stopped so giving them the ability to stay safe was very smart.

However, there is a big difference between giving information on intercourse once they did it and facilitating intercourse.

I think you could draw a boundary on the latter, without looking hypocritical, depends on weather or not they are already allowed to have sex in your house.

I think you should also look polyamory online, because i believe that they are trying to form such a relationship.

 

And I guess most importantly for me personally, how do I break this to my husband while not destroying his little princess in his eyes. Do I maybe just leave it and insist that they are free to make their own choices but they must keep it quiet?

 

Thanks for listening.

You don't have much choice.

If you hide it, you will betray him.

I would tell him after you looked it up, and side with him on this one.

[iammymum]

However, there is a big difference between giving information on intercourse once they did it and facilitating intercourse.

I think you could draw a boundary on the latter, without looking hypocritical, depends on weather or not they are already allowed to have sex in your house.

 

Thank you for replying.

 

We allowed for our daughters bedroom to be her space. We said it was private and we would respect that. So yes she did have intercourse with her boyfriend in there and after the initial freak out by me her girlfriend was allowed in there as well.

 

We told her it would remain her private space as long as she was open, honest and respectful with us. She has been all that all the time so to now go back on my word seems hypocritical to me. But the other side of the coin is that while I have leant to accept her lesbian relationship I can't see myself being accepting of this threesome (polamory) or whatever it is they want. Maybe in time? I don't know, I knew young kids were more adventurous these days but this is an extreme surely?

 

I just can't see us sitting around the table for a Sunday roast and she has her girlfriend and boyfriend there. And as for her introducing them at family gatherings, well, that is just going to open up so many cans of worms. I want to support my daughter always but this is just huge for me. I can't see my husband having anything to do with this and I fear if I don't support it I will lose her. If I do I may lose my husband. The only compromise I can see is that I ask them to keep in quiet but as stated I really should be honest with my husband.

 

Thank you at least for supporting my 'ways' up until now, I really wish my husband saw it the same way.

[Nyla]

It seems like you are trying too hard to be your daughter's friend.

 

If you have to "make sure" your daughter is taking her BC, she is not mature enough for sex.

 

It is not worth losing your husband over. Stop giving your daughter adult freedoms when she is not grown yet.

 

I have NEVER heard of parents allowing threesomes under their roof.

[iammymum]

I have NEVER heard of parents allowing threesomes under their roof.

 

I think you misread or maybe I wasn't clear enough. I am NOT allowing this threeway at all. I don't even know how far they have progressed or whether it has actually moved to intercourse yet, maybe it never will (maybe it already has).

 

I am debating whether I should allow it but my mind is not made up yet. I do feel it would be hypocritical not to allow it though. She is 18 in 4 months after all so practically an adult anyway.

 

Even if I do disallow it I will not be stopping it, they will still do it, they will just do it elsewhere.

[Radu]

Then dissallow it and say that you never were that comfortable with the ideea of her having sex under your roof.

 

Personally i don't think you should have allowed for her to have sex with bf or gf under your roof, but the sex ed you did with her was the right ideea ... once they did, better to be informed.

[iammymum]

Personally i don't think you should have allowed for her to have sex with bf or gf under your roof, but the sex ed you did with her was the right ideea ... once they did, better to be informed.

 

I would have preferred not to but I felt it was best. As I was growing up I had sex with my boyfriends in so many places, many that weren't all that safe that I didn't want my daughter to go through that.

 

It wasn't a choice of whether she was going to have intercourse or not but a choice of whether she was going to have it at home safe, or anywhere and maybe unsafe. I made the only choice I thought I could.

 

It's now come back to bite me a little bit but I still believe the decision at the time was the right one.

 

Then dissallow it and say that you never were that comfortable with the ideea of her having sex under your roof.

 

I would obviously love to disallow it but it is a tad more complicated than that. I made a promise to her that her room was hers and what she did in there was private and that I wouldn't judge. In return she promised that she would be open, honest and respectful and she has always been that. I know this is still a mother/daughter relationship and I can go back on my word if I must but I would rather not.

 

Is this situation really that bad that I must break her trust? If this was a few years ago when she was 15 I wouldn't be asking that but given she is practically an adult now is it worth losing her trust forever when she will only do it anyway just not at home. I wont be stopping the act itself but just the location of it.

[Arabella]

While I agree with most of what's already been said, I'm going to play devil's advocate...

 

Like you said, she's almost a legal adult. What are you realistically going to do besides alienate her and make her not trust you?

 

You should tell your husband, but talk to her first. Tell her you've thought about it and you feel you cannot keep it hidden from her father. Don't ask for her permission to tell him -- merely inform her you plan to. If she claims you're betraying her, tell her if you do not tell him, you would be breaking his trust as well. Giver her the choice to sit down and have a talk with him, with you present.

 

When you talk to your husband about this privately, remind him that this polyamorous relationship will implode on its own sooner than you think. None of them have the emotional maturity and relationship skills to work through such an arrangement successfully. It may work now because the two girls are very close, but as they both get closer to the guy, jealousy will arise and result in eventual break up.

 

When this happens, you will be there for her and this will strengthen your relationship.

 

-A

[Radu]

When you allowed it in the past, i doubt you pictured it would get to something like this.

 

Arabella is right, i doubt any of them has the maturity for a polyamorous relationship.

But she is still a teenager and even if she was an adult, it is your house.

As you said it, you fear that this will drive a massive wedge between you and your husband.

Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage to make sure that your daughter won't be mad at you for a little while ?

 

PS: You are wrong on the sex in wrong places part.

Teenagers find a way, a place ... a location.

As will these 3 if you forbid it, it's just that her location is the one opened with the least resistance.

[Nyla]

I think you misread or maybe I wasn't clear enough. I am NOT allowing this threeway at all. I don't even know how far they have progressed or whether it has actually moved to intercourse yet, maybe it never will (maybe it already has).

 

I am debating whether I should allow it but my mind is not made up yet. I do feel it would be hypocritical not to allow it though. She is 18 in 4 months after all so practically an adult anyway.

 

Even if I do disallow it I will not be stopping it, they will still do it, they will just do it elsewhere.

 

If you are allowing your daughter to have people in her bedroom that she is in a relationship with, you can safetly assume that they are having threesomes. What do you think they are doing in her room?

 

18 may be an adult chronologically but people often take much longer than that to mature emotionally. As I said before, she should know to take her pills without your help if she is such an adult. Maybe you should make your daughter pay rent since she is a grown up. Fair is fair right? Why should she have all the freedom of adulthood with no responsiblities? Would she be able to support a child if she became pregnant? I think not.

 

Set some boundaries. YOU are the parent and your daughter needs to do what you say, end of story. This is why so many kids these days are irresponsible with a sense of entitlement; their parents spoil them and allow them to run wild. What about your husband? He is the father and his feelings should also be respected! He is completely right not to want this kind of behavior under his own roof.

 

A child's room is NOT theirs unless they pay mortgage or rent. The room is in YOUR house.

Edited December 21, 2012 by Nyla

[iammymum]

Thanks for all the replys.

 

I'll try and clear a few things up.

 

You should tell your husband, but talk to her first. Tell her you've thought about it and you feel you cannot keep it hidden from her father. Don't ask for her permission to tell him -- merely inform her you plan to. If she claims you're betraying her, tell her if you do not tell him, you would be breaking his trust as well. Giver her the choice to sit down and have a talk with him, with you present

 

She would be quite willing to tell her father. It is me that doubts it's a good idea as he will more than likely kick her out of the house if she doesn't stop. I doubt she will stop and will expect me to support her decision not to based on our 'agreement'. I wont do that and I will have lost her trust forever.

 

But she is still a teenager and even if she was an adult, it is your house.

As you said it, you fear that this will drive a massive wedge between you and your husband.

Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage to make sure that your daughter won't be mad at you for a little while ?

 

If it all comes to a head I will support my husband but I was just looking for a way for it not to have to come to a head.

 

If you are allowing your daughter to have people in her bedroom that she is in a relationship with, you can safetly assume that they are having threesomes. What do you think they are doing in her room?

 

I allowed her original boyfriend and then her girlfriend but have told her I am not sure I would feel comfortable with this new guy as well. As a result their boyfriend has not been around here yet. It is very new and (hopefully) may not develop into anything, I am just being preemptive. Of course the other side of the coin is that they could already be pursuing this but just not in our home. If that is the case I think that shows she is respecting my wishes.

 

Maybe you should make your daughter pay rent since she is a grown up. Fair is fair right? Why should she have all the freedom of adulthood with no responsiblities? Would she be able to support a child if she became pregnant? I think not.

 

My daughter does work (and still studies), she does pay board and she offered to pay that because we had given her her freedoms. She is very mature and very responsible.

 

What about your husband? He is the father and his feelings should also be respected! He is completely right not to want this kind of behavior under his own roof.

 

That is all my fault I and am very aware of that. I did what I thought was right and pretty much convinced him to do it my way. He doesn't hate me for it but it does cause conflict. I feel a back-flip now from us will just drive our daughter away so while I am not supportive of her choice in this case it is still better for it to be in the safety of my home rather than anywhere else.

 

she should know to take her pills without your help if she is such an adult.

 

We prompted her to remember back when she was 15 and it was an all new experience for her. The are no issues now and had not been for years.

[pteromom]

She's almost an adult. As noted by another poster, trying to stop her from doing whatever she wants to do is only going to create a divide between you.

 

Your husband needs to know, since you know. You can't be in a position of keeping secrets from him. It won't end well.

 

Your daughter's choices have consequences. She will have to live with whatever those consequences are, even if it includes being kicked out of the home (although you can work with your husband to try to prevent that.)

 

Lastly, you have little say in what she does, but you do have say in what happens in your home. I think it is time to implement a no-bedroom rule for visitors (including her girlfriend) and of course, you don't have to invite their third over for holiday dinners or anything.

 

She's young, naive, and trying to find herself. I don't think what she is doing is that different than most teenagers. The difference is you know about it! Which is a big + for you (even with the worry it causes) and shows you are doing something very right. She trusts you with her most personal info at 17. That's amazing.

[iammymum]

Your husband needs to know, since you know. You can't be in a position of keeping secrets from him. It won't end well.

 

Yes that seems to be the consensus and I will tell him but I will wait until after Christmas. I think it's best to let everyone enjoy Christmas first.

 

I think it is time to implement a no-bedroom rule for visitors (including her girlfriend) and of course, you don't have to invite their third over for holiday dinners or anything.

 

I do know that this is the right thing to do and I should have done it years ago but given that I didn't I see it as a bit hypocritical and certainly a breaking of the understanding that I had with my daughter to do it now.

 

I would like to think that I could talk to my daughter and she would be mature enough to not bring it to our home knowing the way I feel (and her father will feel once he knows). We have had an initial chat but nothing in any great detail and she knows my feelings on the subject. She has not brought him home yet and I am hoping that is out of respect rather than some other reason. Only time will tell on that one.

 

She trusts you with her most personal info at 17. That's amazing.

 

I must admit that I too have thought it amazing but lately I have had second thoughts. It is fantastic for my daughter to be able to talk to me but I think it has inhibited my ability to play mum, I end up being more her friend. I think the boundaries mentioned in this thread of no sex under our roof or no girlfriends/boyfriends in the bedroom would have been a wise move a few years ago. I don't think there is any point now.

[whichwayisup]

Just tell her since she's nearly 18, that she needs to find another place to have sex with her gf and bf. Her sex life now is her personal business as in 2 years she's going to be 20! It's time for you to back off and not know so much about her sex life. And, keep this from your husband! Trust me, he does NOT want to know that his daughter is having 3 somes! There are just some things parents should not know and this is one of them.

 

If your daughter gets upset or pissed off at you, tell her she's old enough now to make her own choices and take her sex life out of your house.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Your daughter is a fast one... Anyways I am 22 and love at home and have never once had sex with a guy in my parents house, its just disrespectful and my parents wouldn't allow it. I think even if they did allow it I wouldn't because its awkward. I dated a guy whose parents didnt care at all and we had sex in his house but the parenting dynamic was different kind of like yours. You seem like you want to be her friend and not parent, I have always had open lines of communication with my parents and they know about me being sexually active and if I need help or get into trouble get help me.

[Nightsky]

Your daughter asked you about anal and if all cum tastes the same... Your daughter has very little respect for you, and you very little confidence in her with the entire "well she's 15 and going to do it anyways so might as well be under our roof."

 

If I were your husband I would have taken over and put that girl on lock down and explained about how her bf probably watches porn and thats why he wants to do anal and stuff. That she needs to cool it down for her own mental health.

 

This entire have a gf and a bf thing is going no where good fast.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

This is so stupid. Just let your daughter do what she wants ffs. I never had one relationship in my teens partly because my parents didn't even believe in dating.

[iammymum]

This entire have a gf and a bf thing is going no where good fast.

 

Yes I know.

 

My daughter is sexually active, she is an adult (pretty much) so what she does I will not be able to stop.

 

My concern is preserving my relationship with my daughter. She knows I think the theeway thing is wrong and she had not bought that into my home. But saying keep any sex away from under my roof achieves what? It alienates my daughter and ruins our relationship but it doesn't stop this ridiculous idea of the threeway she has.

 

I have made my mistakes, I was really posting here so others don't make the same ones. There is not really anything I can do now without losing my daughter as well.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Yes I know.

 

My daughter is sexually active, she is an adult (pretty much) so what she does I will not be able to stop.

 

My concern is preserving my relationship with my daughter. She knows I think the theeway thing is wrong and she had not bought that into my home. But saying keep any sex away from under my roof achieves what? It alienates my daughter and ruins our relationship but it doesn't stop this ridiculous idea of the threeway she has.

 

I have made my mistakes, I was really posting here so others don't make the same ones. There is not really anything I can do now without losing my daughter as well.

 

I'm sorry but you are wayyyyyy too soft as a parent, if I was your daughter I'm pretty sure I would either run all over you or push your limits as far as I could to see how much I can get away with. Step up! If you don't want it done in your house then put your foot down and say no! Who cares that she is 17 and a half... Honestly I wouldn't care if she was 17 and with 1 day until her 18th birthday it is YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR RULES when she has HER OWN HOUSE she can bring every man woman and child in there if she wants, but until she has that she can respect your rules... but you need to actually have to have them.

 

I don't think you're a bad mom, just wanted to add that, I'm sure it is hard and you try and I understand the idea of what you did but I just wasn't raised like that. My brothers girlfriends parents are like you and it just seems like too much freedom is given at such a young age. There were tons of times I wanted to have sex with the guy I was dating in my parents house but for me it is a respect issue. Good luck with your daughter

Edited December 31, 2012 by ImperfectionisBeauty

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

I'm sorry but you are wayyyyyy too soft as a parent, if I was your daughter I'm pretty sure I would either run all over you or push your limits as far as I could to see how much I can get away with. Step up! If you don't want it done in your house then put your foot down and say no! Who cares that she is 17 and a half... Honestly I wouldn't care if she was 17 and with 1 day until her 18th birthday it is YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR RULES when she has HER OWN HOUSE she can bring every man woman and child in there if she wants, but until she has that she can respect your rules... but you need to actually have to have them.

 

I don't think you're a bad mom, just wanted to add that, I'm sure it is hard and you try and I understand the idea of what you did but I just wasn't raised like that. My brothers girlfriends parents are like you and it just seems like too much freedom is given at such a young age. There were tons of times I wanted to have sex with the guy I was dating in my parents house but for me it is a respect issue. Good luck with your daughter

 

I'm sorry IIP, but I think this is the best advice to follow if she wants to lose her daughter.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I'm sorry IIP, but I think this is the best advice to follow if she wants to lose her daughter.

 

...so she has to have no rules and just let her kid do whatever the hell she wants?? Sounds like great parenting -_-

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

...so she has to have no rules and just let her kid do whatever the hell she wants?? Sounds like great parenting -_-

 

Well, when you're talking about someone who's no longer a kid and their basic human needs, it is the only kind of parenting left.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I'm sorry IIP, but I think this is the best advice to follow if she wants to lose her daughter.

 

Well, when you're talking about someone who's no longer a kid and their basic human needs, it is the only kind of parenting left.

 

She isn't an adult yet though and she is living with her mother. Are you saying that parents should just stop having rules when their kid turns 18?

[pink_sugar]

I spoke to my husband about it and he was very much of the same attitude. I however had a totally opposite view. I felt that they were going to do it anyway and I would rather them do it in the safety of one of our houses with full access to whatever contraception and information they needed rather than under some bridge or at the school at night. I convinced my husband that this was the right way and he agreed to support me, we met with the boys parents and I managed to convince them as well. All three of them were really unsure but I guess I was convincing so that was how we agreed to proceed.

 

My mom shared this view and we made it easy on her. We did not have sex until I was 18 and she trusted me as such and thus did not mind us sleeping together in the same room because she knew we weren't having sex. I wouldn't encourage her or show her it's okay to have sex under your roof, but allowing her boyfriend to stay over where you can at least monitor the situation is understandable. If kids want to have sex, they will find a way to do it...better somewhere safe than wondering where your daughter is late at night. You've also done a good job educating her on birth control to ensure pregnancy wouldn't be an issue. Because if she does have sex...even though you are against it, at least she is being responsible. I would make it clear that you are not comfortable with threesomes in your house and will not allow it.

Edited January 1, 2013 by pink_sugar

[movingon12]

What you said in your first post sums it up: she is going to do this whether it's in your house or not.

 

Given that she will do this, would you prefer that she does it at your home or somewhere else? If you would rather she did it somewhere else, tell her that you can't accept it and she will have to go elsewhere for sex. If you'd rather she did it in your house, you don't need to say anything to her about it. You don't have to actively condone it.

 

She's at an age where she is going to experiment, it's natural. You don't like it. I'm sure she understands that you don't like it, but nothing you do is going to stop this happening. The question is which is worse: she does it in your home or somewhere else.

 

She's nearly 18, it's her bedroom, it's her body, it's her relationship. If I was her mother, it would be more important to me to know and understand what was going on in my daughter's life than to try to enforce my own beliefs on her (especially knowing it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference).