Allow daughter to have sex under our roof?

[turnera]

My mom was the 'friend.' The 'understanding mom' who 'trusted' me to do the right thing. I hated her SO MUCH for being this way. When kids wanted me to go to a drug party, I would tell her, hoping she'd say 'hell no you're not going!' so I would have an excuse, a 'bad guy' to let me say no. She'd just say 'I trust you to make the right decision.'

 

I didn't become friends with her for at least 10 more years after that, 10 years during which I was trying to work out in my head all the crappy stuff I did as a teenager. Because she wanted to be my friend, not my mother.

[mn311601]

So, you needed someone to tell you no for you to do the right thing? You were that susceptible to peer pressure that just going to a party where people are doing drugs meant that you had to do them as well?

 

How is that your mother's fault? I didn't need anyone to tell me when I was a teenager that doing drugs was a bad idea.

[turnera]

So, you needed someone to tell you no for you to do the right thing? You were that susceptible to peer pressure that just going to a party where people are doing drugs meant that you had to do them as well?

 

How is that your mother's fault? I didn't need anyone to tell me when I was a teenager that doing drugs was a bad idea.

Yes, actually, I did need some guidance. My dad left when I was 12. My mom buried herself in her work, working 80 hours a week, to avoid what happened and when she was home, she pretended to be one of us, to fix her wounded ego. My older brother instantly turned into a 'father' who started trying to dictate all my activities and spent 24/7 telling me what a POS I was for not doing everything he told me I should be; and when I was 15, he was gone, out of there, out of town for college. The only people I talked to were friends from school and any boy who would pay attention to me.

 

And fwiw, I never did take any drugs. But it was a devastating period of my life.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, actually, I did need some guidance. My dad left when I was 12. My mom buried herself in her work, working 80 hours a week, to avoid what happened and when she was home, she pretended to be one of us, to fix her wounded ego. My older brother instantly turned into a 'father' who started trying to dictate all my activities and spent 24/7 telling me what a POS I was for not doing everything he told me I should be; and when I was 15, he was gone, out of there, out of town for college. The only people I talked to were friends from school and any boy who would pay attention to me.

 

And fwiw, I never did take any drugs. But it was a devastating period of my life.

 

You needed boundries and tough love. A mom who was strick and would worry about you a lot, even though you were trustworthy. I get what you're saying.

 

Mom's can't be 'friends' with their kids until they're older and out living on their own.

[iammymum]

Mom's can't be 'friends' with their kids until they're older and out living on their own.

 

Sorry, that is just rubbish.

 

I am friends with my daughter, we can talk like friends do and she has turned out just fine.

 

Granted she had been allowed to have sex in our home for a number of years but it has never been shoved in our face, she has always been respectful, she has always put her studies first, she volunteered to pay board, she doesn't do drugs (besides marijuana but that hardly counts), she is going on to further studies next year, she is in a long term stable relationship.

 

What would tough love have achieved differently. She would be forced to study, she probably would have whined about paying board, she may well have rebelled as most teenagers do and she would have still been having sex but I would have no idea where or with whom. Her relationships would have broken down quicker because she would be getting advice from her peers who have no experience instead of from an older and wiser person (me), meaning more sexual partners. How is that better?

 

While I acknowledge that I may have gone a little too far in the friendship area it is still a lot better in my opinion than going too far in the tough love stakes.

[Toddbt12y1]

My daughter would not be having sex under my roof. How immoral. As a parent, one should look after their safety, and not allow a risk in pregnancy. Use protection, yeah, it can fail. May not. Yeah, I know your daughter is using protection.

 

Something nasty about saying, "Sure honey, go let the boy stick his dick in your Pussy." So long as those grades are up. Nothing is as stable as one believes. Wait till they actually get into the real world and see how stable they could do.

 

One shouldn't rule in an iron fist no more than they should in paper cuffs.

 

....

 

Ofc..this is the modern age :/. And LS. Time to get flamed! But I don't care...it's so wrong. Besides who wants the thoughts in their head of their daughter getting banged?....you know it's happening when they tell you and you give them that freedom. Children don't need adult freedoms.

[iammymum]

As a parent, one should look after their safety,

 

So do you think it is safer for your daughter to be having sex somewhere you don't know, with someone you don't know, and with no idea on whether or not they are practicing safe sex and no idea of the scenario they are in.

 

Or is it safer to do it at home where if something goes wrong (maybe a violent partner) then there is always help not far away.

 

The best option of your daughter not having sex is just not a reality, I prefer to deal with reality as messy as it gets sometimes as opposed to believing that my daughter would remain a virgin. That is just burying your head in the sand.

[Toddbt12y1]

It's possible she could remain a virgin...rare...believe me I know how rare that is. But still possible. No, I would make every effort she doesn't anywhere. If I find out, she will be properly punished. Rules.

 

Really...its a progression. You let your daughter have her way with one thing, now she knows she can with a threeway. What next? You may not see what I see or I what you see...

 

But I believe it can effect her adult life in a negative way. She isn't grounded in proper rules. How will she respond to the rules she will later face in life? That's how I see it..at least.

[bac]

So do you think it is safer for your daughter to be having sex somewhere you don't know, with someone you don't know, and with no idea on whether or not they are practicing safe sex and no idea of the scenario they are in.

 

Or is it safer to do it at home where if something goes wrong (maybe a violent partner) then there is always help not far away.

 

The best option of your daughter not having sex is just not a reality, I prefer to deal with reality as messy as it gets sometimes as opposed to believing that my daughter would remain a virgin. That is just burying your head in the sand.

 

Safety is not about having a safe place for sex. Safety is in a girl's brains. Her brains function in an unusual way because normal people do not let their mothers know about their treesomes and other hot sex adventures.

She lets you know the information because you reward her for sharing it with you.

 

When you let her have sex at 15 in your house, you did reinforcement/rewarding/accepting the behavior. You let her know that it was her right to have sex in your house. Therefore, her interest in sex has been growing because you were rewarding the behavior.

 

If you did not let her to have sex at 15, you would have done punishment the wrong behavior. She would get the traditional idea of what is right and what is wrong. In other words, safety would be in her brains.

 

IMO Treesomes and GFs are nothing to worry about if she is a normal healthy girl. They are just experimenting.

Edited January 5, 2013 by bac

[turnera]

My DD22 is still a virgin. Why? Because as she grew up, I talked to her about how boys will try to get in her pants, so sex at her age would be nothing more than giving him a 30-second release, and not the 'love of my life' like most of her friends were expecting. Nearly all of them have come to her over the years and told her they wished they would have waited. I told her to not give it up for at least a few months and if the guy left because of that, then he wasn't worth having as a boyfriend.

 

I didn't use tough love. I never had to. I used logic and showed my morals and expected her to have the same ones. I set out what her consequences would be. She never needed them. And she's been on BC since 11th grade because I didn't have my head in the sand.

[iammymum]

Sorry if I sound rude but I guess my way to see the things is a totally opposed to what you have done... now what next? will you hold a gang bang in your house for your daughter? It may sound insensitive but it is just the next level from a threesome...

 

What I have gathered from all the people I have spoken to about this and from the replies from this and other forums is that the breakdown is something like this:

 

Allowing daughter/son to have sex in house - 10%

Allowing daughter/son to have partner in bedroom, not allow sex, but know its happening anyway - 25%

Allowing daughter/son to have partner in bedroom, not allow sex, believe they doing it away from the house - 40%

Allowing daughter/son to have partner in bedroom, not allow sex, believe they are not sexually active - 10%

Not even allow partner in bedroom, believe they are sexually active elsewhere - 5%

Not even allow partner in bedroom, believe they are not sexually active - 10%

 

Now the way I interpret that is that only 20% of parents believe there kids to be not sexually active.

 

Of the 80% that either know or suspect that their kids are sexually active all but 5% allow the partners into the bedroom.

 

Knowingly allowing the sex to take place is not that big of a jump after analysing that. It seems 35% of parents know it is happening in the bedroom but 25% out of that 35% just like to keep it swept under the carpet.

 

As for allowing the threeway which apparently leads on to orgies and gangbangs, I have not allowed it. I have expressed my displeasure at the idea, my daughter has not bought it into our home and to the best of my knowledge it has not even happened. But there would be no point 'banning' if she were to bring it home because it is not going to stop the terrible idea, just move it. By having the relationship I have with her I was able to discuss this with her. She said she would think about it and I believe it hasn't happened yet so maybe what I said did sink in. I have not even seen this guy since before Christmas so I have an inkling they no longer see him but she has not told me that yet.

[Sugarkane]

I wish my mother had actually communicated to me about this. My parents blamed me for being naive, yet she never told me anything. I lost it to the wrong person and always regretted it.

My DD22 is still a virgin. Why? Because as she grew up, I talked to her about how boys will try to get in her pants, so sex at her age would be nothing more than giving him a 30-second release, and not the 'love of my life' like most of her friends were expecting. Nearly all of them have come to her over the years and told her they wished they would have waited. I told her to not give it up for at least a few months and if the guy left because of that, then he wasn't worth having as a boyfriend.

 

I didn't use tough love. I never had to. I used logic and showed my morals and expected her to have the same ones. I set out what her consequences would be. She never needed them. And she's been on BC since 11th grade because I didn't have my head in the sand.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Sugarkane

[Mantha03]

Mother and daughter can build a friendship yet, you are always first her mother. At the age of 14 my family fell apart my dad had an affair and started doing drugs. My mother became more of one of the friends she did not stop me from partying or having sex nor, did she stop my sister or make it hard like before. My sister got pregnant at 16 and I started doing drugs. Not having parents around to give me tough love, I did whatever I wanted and started dating a drug dealer. Not that I did not know right from wrong but why care when no one tells you not to?

 

To sum it all up my father cleaned up and got a bachelors degree and came back into my life and cracked down on me. I got off drugs at 17, started college and started working. I am now 22 looking back I wish my mother, having kicked my father out, would have still acted like a parent and told me no when I needed to hear it. When my father came back, told me no and set rules in place that had not been there in a long time, there was much conflict. It is bound to happen yet, I thank him now.

 

I now a single mother to a two year old little girl and I am trying anticipate situations as your own happening with her. You cannot keep it from your husband you guys need to be a strong unit for her, and you are lucky to have the other parent there for back up. You need to set boundaries for her and she needs to respect your wishes. Maybe she needs to learn the hard way because that three way relationship sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Don't allow it to go on in your house but she is almost 18 and she will be well aware of her freedom; be there and love her but do not hide your true feelings on the subject. Good luck, it may get ugly but it won't be that way for long.

Edited January 24, 2013 by Mantha03

[PogoStick]

Bad parenting will definitely cause problems but good parenting will only accomplish so much. No matter how good of a parent you are, kids are still going to mess up. 15ish is the age that many start having sex so there is nothing out of place there. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

The important thing is to teach/model good behavior and relationships. Guide her into making better decisions. Help her back on her feet when she makes mistakes, because she will make mistakes. She needs to make mistakes. That's part of growing up. Having a friendly and trusting relationship now will make her willing to seek your advice with important decisions.

 

Parent's always have a hard time understanding their kids are going to be more liberal than themselves. Every generation thinks the next is immoral and lacking character. However, all the great societal changes are due to this progressiveness. There is no longer slavery, women can vote and have jobs just like men, disabled people are protected.

 

And sexuality is always progressing. Gay rights are inevitable because our children know it's the right thing to do. Traditional sexuality is being broken down too. Women are actually encouraged to enjoy sex now, their pleasure is considered as important as the man's. Everyone gets naked instead of the woman just pulling her pants down a bit and bending over.

 

Who has the right to declare 1 man and 1 woman as the only legitimate relationship? There's nothing inherently wrong with a triad relationship. It can be more tricky and she'll likely get burned by it, but she'll be burned (and already has been) by traditional relationships too. The important skill to learn is how to communicate and have a relationship that is respectful and safe to everyone involved.

 

Read the book The Ethical Slut and share it with your daughter. It's all about how to handle relationships with respect and maturity. Send me a private message when you're done and tell me what you think of it.

Edited January 24, 2013 by PogoStick

[brokenheartglue]

You need to put your foot down and say no to this. You probably need to put your foot down and say no to the "girlfriend" too.

 

It sounds to me like your daughter is doing as all teenagers (or anyone really) will do and push the boundaries to see what she will get away with.

 

In the first instance it was probablly quite a sensible and reasoned move to let her have sex with a steady boyfriend, as you say, they would have just found somewhere else to do it. The problem then became the fact you had removed a pretty major set of boundaries from her life and replaced them with nothing. The result is that after splitting up with him she then started looking to see what the boundaries were as they had not been reinforced.

 

Every time she's pushed she's had little or no resisitance so she's pushed a little further each time to the extent where she's now on the verge of having validated orgies under your roof. Adult or not she is still living under your roof, you wouldn't allow a lodger to have threesomes in your home.

 

As a family you have to sit down and redefine your barriers but you will also need to explain why those barriers are there and talk adult to adult about what is and is not acceptable. Be calm and patient with her, if she fights it, let her. If she walks out, let her. She is an adult after all and more than capable of making her own descisions. She will calm down and whatever boundaries you impose she will come to respect in time, espescially if you can compromise (Maybe still allowing steady boyfriends only or something).

[Ladybugz]

where i come from its all about respect.

 

you dont disrespect your parents home. when you feel like you

are equal to have sex etc. you get your own place and rule it your way.

 

if sex in the house is okay, then everything should be allowed.

and she is lesbian so i guess there will be more things for you to deal with.

 

and with or without you they will do it anyway.

anywhere. especially gay people cause they try a lot to feel the satisfaction like a

normal couple.

[Jabba]

OP hasn't posted in a while.

 

However reading the thread, it sounds like this whole thing is all about the OP using the issue with the daughter's sex life as a means to undermine her own husband and her own marriage, in a more or less indirect manner.

 

OP is vicariously "acting out" by permitting her daughter to basically live with no sexual boundaries.

 

Guess why?

 

Guess what OP would like to do, if she hasn't already actually been doing it?

 

OP is getting off on her daughter's exciting sexcapades.

 

Not a very good reason for making parental decisions the way she has, but it is what it is.

 

As far as who makes the rules?

 

When the daughter can get and pay for her own apartment or home, she can make any rules she wants, right?

 

Also it's unbelievable but it actually sounded like OP facilitated her daughter having sex with her bf against the bf's parents' wishes and the bf was a minor.

 

That's probably illegal, assuming one actually needs a specific reason to understand how outlandishly bad OP's judgment has been in all of this.