Allow daughter to have sex under our roof?

[iammymum]

I would make it clear that you are not comfortable with threesomes in your house and will not allow it.

 

I have made it clear that I don't approve but I have not 'banned' it as such, I left it to my daughter to make her own decision. And to this stage it has not happened in our house (to be honest I don't even know if it has happened at all). I take that as a sign of maturity on her part and respect her for that.

 

At the moment there is no issue and the only way one could arise is if they bought it into our home. It doesn't look like that is going to happen so at the moment at least all is looking good.

[iammymum]

She's nearly 18, it's her bedroom, it's her body, it's her relationship. If I was her mother, it would be more important to me to know and understand what was going on in my daughter's life than to try to enforce my own beliefs on her (especially knowing it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference).

 

Well said. But I think we are in the minority here.

 

Maybe if more parents were closer to their children then many underage sex issues (date rape, public places, unwanted pregnancy etc) could be averted.

[darkmoon]

perhaps if she knew about the long-term effects and risks of x 3 sex, she wouldn't be quite so enthusiastic - exclusion from the other two, one getting pregnant, the imbalance of 3 (two's company) so swinging partners rarely survive, even if swinging looks great to start with n this polyamory set-up will not work out long-term either, neither are recommendable

Edited January 1, 2013 by darkmoon

[passingbreeze]

Does this teenager have any sort of life at all besides sex? Does she go to high school? Does she have a job? Does she get good grades? Does she have any future plans at all besides having sex whenever and with whomever she chooses? Do you have other children, older or younger than your daughter who are living in the house and observing this?

 

IMO you made a big mistake from the beginning. So what that it might have been hard for your daughter and her original bf to find places to have sex? That was their problem, not yours! You are too involved in your daughter's sex life. As soon as she asked you about "alternate" sex practices, it was time for you to step back and tell her that she has to decided and discover things like that on her own. It is inappropriate for you, to give her your "motherly" advice on the details of sex.

 

As for your long suffering husband?? Sorry, but he sounds like a wimp to me. Time that he stood up and said that enough is enough, and kick this oversexed teenager out of the house. Does he still consider this girl/woman to be "his Princess?"

[carhill]

Boundaries aren't immovable. They evolve and change. Personally, I'd evolve the boundary to zero sexual fraternization by DD in the marital home and let the alienation chip fall where it may. If DD enjoys risky and/or adventurous sexual behavior, providing a 'safe haven' would not impel her to be any less risk-taking/adventurous but rather add a comfort zone to that process. Home base is the fallback. The sure thing. When someone her age has something, they want something else. Witness her moving from a hetero relationship to a lesbian relationship to a mixed/bi-sexual relationship/threesome.

 

Good luck.

[Nyla]

Whatever happened to making out and having sex in cars or someone's rec room?

 

I don't know ANY parent who would be okay with what the OP is allowing her daughter to do.

[iammymum]

Does this teenager have any sort of life at all besides sex? Does she go to high school? Does she have a job? Does she get good grades?

 

Yes, she is a straight A student (well a B in Economics but besides that all A's). She is going to university next year in her chosen subject. She also works outside of school hours and volunteered to pay board when she started working.

 

As for your long suffering husband?? Sorry, but he sounds like a wimp to me. Time that he stood up and said that enough is enough, and kick this oversexed teenager out of the house. Does he still consider this girl/woman to be "his Princess?"

 

I think this is where I disagree. Lets for arguments sake say that yes she is oversexed, what does kicking her out achieve? She becomes an oversexed teenager living away from home with a chip on her shoulder about her parents. Now she is an oversexed teenager living at home with an open dialogue with me. Out of those two options (because there isn't a third) I know which I would choose.

 

In a perfect world I would have done things differently, I acknowledge my mistakes and that is part of the reason for this thread so that others can see and learn from my mistakes.

 

But we are where we are now and I don't think playing the heavy handed parent now is going to achieve anything. As I said a few posts ago, I have talked to her about my concerns with her threeway plan and she has not bought this to our home (and possibly has not done it altogether).

 

That is the kind of respect I would expect from my daughter and she has shown it so why would I go back on an agreement that we have had for years allowing her to have her partner in her room?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Yes, she is a straight A student (well a B in Economics but besides that all A's). She is going to university next year in her chosen subject. She also works outside of school hours and volunteered to pay board when she started working.

 

 

 

I think this is where I disagree. Lets for arguments sake say that yes she is oversexed, what does kicking her out achieve? She becomes an oversexed teenager living away from home with a chip on her shoulder about her parents. Now she is an oversexed teenager living at home with an open dialogue with me. Out of those two options (because there isn't a third) I know which I would choose.

 

In a perfect world I would have done things differently, I acknowledge my mistakes and that is part of the reason for this thread so that others can see and learn from my mistakes.

 

But we are where we are now and I don't think playing the heavy handed parent now is going to achieve anything. As I said a few posts ago, I have talked to her about my concerns with her threeway plan and she has not bought this to our home (and possibly has not done it altogether).

 

That is the kind of respect I would expect from my daughter and she has shown it so why would I go back on an agreement that we have had for years allowing her to have her partner in her room?

 

You are a push over I'm sorry but you have no boundaries as a parent

[pink_sugar]

Yes, she is a straight A student (well a B in Economics but besides that all A's). She is going to university next year in her chosen subject. She also works outside of school hours and volunteered to pay board when she started working.

 

 

 

I think this is where I disagree. Lets for arguments sake say that yes she is oversexed, what does kicking her out achieve? She becomes an oversexed teenager living away from home with a chip on her shoulder about her parents. Now she is an oversexed teenager living at home with an open dialogue with me. Out of those two options (because there isn't a third) I know which I would choose.

 

In a perfect world I would have done things differently, I acknowledge my mistakes and that is part of the reason for this thread so that others can see and learn from my mistakes.

 

But we are where we are now and I don't think playing the heavy handed parent now is going to achieve anything. As I said a few posts ago, I have talked to her about my concerns with her threeway plan and she has not bought this to our home (and possibly has not done it altogether).

 

That is the kind of respect I would expect from my daughter and she has shown it so why would I go back on an agreement that we have had for years allowing her to have her partner in her room?

 

I agree, you cannot go back on it now...but I would do everything you can to show you are not okay with her participating in such acts within your house. If her bf or gf stays over, you can assert control over the situation such as doors must be kept open if he is stay over. It sounds like your daughter is otherwise an intelligent person, but wants to experiment right now. Nothing wrong with that, but until she is 18, a talk with her regarding issues and complications that can arise with 3-somes is definitely necessary. Keep communication open, but at the same time assert authority and your feelings on the matter.

[UpwardForward]

I would have preferred not to but I felt it was best. As I was growing up I had sex with my boyfriends in so many places, many that weren't all that safe that I didn't want my daughter to go through that.

 

It wasn't a choice of whether she was going to have intercourse or not but a choice of whether she was going to have it at home safe, or anywhere and maybe unsafe. I made the only choice I thought I could.

 

It's now come back to bite me a little bit but I still believe the decision at the time was the right one.

 

 

 

I would obviously love to disallow it but it is a tad more complicated than that. I made a promise to her that her room was hers and what she did in there was private and that I wouldn't judge. In return she promised that she would be open, honest and respectful and she has always been that. I know this is still a mother/daughter relationship and I can go back on my word if I must but I would rather not.

 

Is this situation really that bad that I must break her trust? If this was a few years ago when she was 15 I wouldn't be asking that but given she is practically an adult now is it worth losing her trust forever when she will only do it anyway just not at home. I wont be stopping the act itself but just the location of it.

 

Yes, it is really that bad. Time to act as a responsible Mother. We are always supposed to advise our offspring the manner in which to proceed in life.

 

You were only supposed to provide your daughter a peaceful sanctuary in the family home, not allow all this other in.

[passingbreeze]

Is this situation really that bad that I must break her trust? If this was a few years ago when she was 15 I wouldn't be asking that but given she is practically an adult now is it worth losing her trust forever when she will only do it anyway just not at home. I wont be stopping the act itself but just the location of it.

 

Believe me, you will not lose her trust forever. You will gain her respect. At first she might be angry or shocked when you finally say NO MORE, because she is used to getting her own way. However, as she grows older, she will look back and wonder why you allowed her to be so manipulative? She will then accuse you of encouraging her behavior, and will ask you why you didn't put a stop to it. Teenagers want and need boundaries. They are too immature to be allowed to do whatever they want. That's what parents are for.

[movingon12]

My parents set boundaries for me. I didn't stick to them. Most teenagers don't. I honestly can't think of a single person I knew when I was a teen that didn't break at least some of the 'rules' their parents had imposed.

 

This idea that the daughter would have turned out differently if her mum had banned her from having sex in her house is ridiculous. She would have just done it somewhere else. How is that better?

 

When I was a teen my friend's dad let us take drugs in his house and actually used to give us advice about it. We respected him for that then and still respect him for that now. In contrast, my parents insisted that I should never experiment (despite being signed up members of the hippy movement themselves when they were teens). My friend's dad understood the reality of being a teenager. He knew it would happen with or without his consent. He knew no amount of 'laying down boundaries' would stop the inevitable. He preferred to know what his daughter was doing and that she was getting good information about it.

[liquid_amber]

I lived at home until I was 23, and my parents ALWAYS made it clear that it was not acceptable for me to have sex in their house. I had a great relationship with my mother, and I could talk to her about sex (although I certainly spared her the graphic details), but I had enough respect for my parents to have sex outside their house. Sure, often times that meant having sex in a car or whatever, but hey, that's what teenagers/young adults do when they don't have their own place. I can remember having arguments with my parents at times when I was 21 or 22, I would sometimes stay out all night and they insisted that as long as I lived in their house, I should respect their rules. But I argued that I was "an adult" and could do whatever I wanted. But now, at age 40, I realize that my parents were right. It WAS their house, and as long as I lived in it I should respect their rules. If I'd been more rebellious, perhaps I would have moved out sooner than I did so I could do whatever I wanted. But I knew I wasn't ready to live on my own yet, so I had to respect their rules. I have no regrets and no resentment toward them for imposing certain rules on me as long as I lived in their house. When I moved out on my own, I was able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whoever I wanted. But as long as someone lives at home, no matter what their age, they need to show their parents some respect. If I were to move back home now, I would still be expected to honor their rules, and I would not complain. It's their house. I'm an adult, and I don't have to live there. But if I do live there, I need to respect the fact that it's their house.

Edited January 2, 2013 by liquid_amber

[turnera]

My daughter is sexually active, she is an adult

No, she's not. The brain doesn't stop developing, the person doesn't stop changing, until around age 25. She will change 100 times before then.

 

My concern is preserving my relationship with my daughter. She knows I think the theeway thing is wrong and she had not bought that into my home. But saying keep any sex away from under my roof achieves what? It alienates my daughter and ruins our relationship but it doesn't stop this ridiculous idea of the threeway she has.

You act like if you don't give in to this, she'll never speak to you again. In other words, your insecurity, your inability to be the adult in this relationship, is holding you hostage to a child's whims.

 

Trust me, she'll still talk to you. You'll still be in her life. If not right now, then later, after she grows up. Right now, she NEEDS you to be the adult and SHOW her what your morals are and what you will and won't accept under YOUR (not hers, YOU pay for it). She NEEDS to hear you say what you believe is right and wrong.

 

Remember that children become what they see in their parents, and they believe what they hear their parents say THEY believe. If you provide a vacuum in your home of your beliefs, she is left to figure hers out on her own. She needs to hear you say such things are distasteful to you. She needs to know what you expect from your children.

 

Will she be mad? Maybe. Will she storm out of your house, to 'show you'? Probably. Will she cut you out of her life, to prove to you that she's an adult (stamping her foot all the way)? Maybe for a month or two - until she realizes you are finally serious and are finally willing to be the adult and stop trying to kiss up to her to get her to like you.

 

Remember, kids NEED boundaries. They need to know right and wrong. They don't need you being their friend. It's not too late for you to step up and be the adult, the moral guideline for her.

[Snowflower]

No, she's not. The brain doesn't stop developing, the person doesn't stop changing, until around age 25. She will change 100 times before then.

 

You act like if you don't give in to this, she'll never speak to you again. In other words, your insecurity, your inability to be the adult in this relationship, is holding you hostage to a child's whims.

 

Trust me, she'll still talk to you. You'll still be in her life. If not right now, then later, after she grows up. Right now, she NEEDS you to be the adult and SHOW her what your morals are and what you will and won't accept under YOUR (not hers, YOU pay for it). She NEEDS to hear you say what you believe is right and wrong.

 

Remember that children become what they see in their parents, and they believe what they hear their parents say THEY believe. If you provide a vacuum in your home of your beliefs, she is left to figure hers out on her own. She needs to hear you say such things are distasteful to you. She needs to know what you expect from your children.

 

Will she be mad? Maybe. Will she storm out of your house, to 'show you'? Probably. Will she cut you out of her life, to prove to you that she's an adult (stamping her foot all the way)? Maybe for a month or two - until she realizes you are finally serious and are finally willing to be the adult and stop trying to kiss up to her to get her to like you.

 

Remember, kids NEED boundaries. They need to know right and wrong. They don't need you being their friend. It's not too late for you to step up and be the adult, the moral guideline for her.

 

^^^^^A truly excellent post!! OP, take heed. Read and re-read.

 

I think you have lost a lot of ground here and effectively neutralized a powerful ally that you would have had...your husband, her father. By forcing him to go along with her (and later your) ideas, she lost a good male role model.

 

But, what is done is done.

 

Stop this before it gets any worse. Quit being her friend and be her parent, her role-model. Because you were so permissive with the sex at 15 1/2, look what she is doing now? She is begging for you to help her get control of herself. Please help her and do this.

 

Look, my daughter is the same age. She pushes the boundaries with me all the time. She reminds me all the time that she will soon be 18. Someday, she and I will be friends. But not just yet.

 

My husband (her dad) and I fight all the time about what is the best way to handle her. She is a handful. I'm so glad my husband stood his ground though. My daughter doesn't like us most of the time but that is okay.

 

You need to do the same thing, for your daughter's sake and perhaps for the sake of your marriage. Talk to your husband, come up with a strong plan of what is and is not acceptable and tell your daughter how it will be from here on out.

[turnera]

fwiw, my daughter is now 22. The only one of all her friends who is graduating college on time. And I'm her best friend.

 

She's getting a BS in psychology, working for a PhD in research. She took a parenting psychology class last semester and she said the 'authoritative' (NOT the authoritarian) style is the best parent to be, to raise happy, healthy kids. That's what I did (without knowing I was doing it). Basically, it's you, the adult, sharing with your kids what you believe and what WILL BE in your home. It's not up to them to decide if they want it - in your home, it's your rules. At the same time, you teach them to think for themselves, since you can't be around them 24/7 - to see the consequences of potential actions and decide if the consequence would be worth doing it, and to then trust them to do the right thing (there's you telling them you have faith in them and respect them). We asked DD once in high school how come she wasn't always getting grounded all the time like her friends, who kept ruining our plans with them at the last minute by getting grounded; she just shrugged and said 'why would I do something that I know is going to get me in trouble?'

 

It's a little late for you to raise her this way, but you CAN start implementing it in your home; she's free to ignore your rules - from somewhere else.

 

Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting

[Nyla]

My parents were very authoritarian. What they said went and any kind of disobedience was rewarded with beatings. I couldn't even date until I was 18 and boys could not call until I was 17.

 

The result was that three of their four children moved out when they had nothing but the clothes on their back, because my parents behaved like jailers and sargeants. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

 

The youngest is still home at age 27 because he is indulged and spoiled.

 

I think the OP is too worried about seeming authoritarian because she has been very permissive for so long.

[mn311601]

I honestly don't get the issue people have with teens having sex. Why do we as a country act shocked and angry when it happens? Why do teens have to try and hide and find a place to use, because they will. It will happen, no matter what any parent says if they want to they will.

 

What's wrong with an honest discussion about safe sex and if your son or daughter is in a relationship having sex in your house? Why is that so wrong? What are you teaching your children about sex that you can't stand for them to have it in your house? That it is something to be shameful about and that no teen should ever confide in their parents?

[turnera]

My parents were very authoritarian. What they said went and any kind of disobedience was rewarded with beatings. I couldn't even date until I was 18 and boys could not call until I was 17.

 

The result was that three of their four children moved out when they had nothing but the clothes on their back, because my parents behaved like jailers and sargeants. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

 

The youngest is still home at age 27 because he is indulged and spoiled.

 

I think the OP is too worried about seeming authoritarian because she has been very permissive for so long.

Just to point out, she said AUTHORITARIAN, and not AUTHORITATIVE. Complete opposites.

[turnera]

I honestly don't get the issue people have with teens having sex. Why do we as a country act shocked and angry when it happens? Why do teens have to try and hide and find a place to use, because they will. It will happen, no matter what any parent says if they want to they will.

 

What's wrong with an honest discussion about safe sex and if your son or daughter is in a relationship having sex in your house? Why is that so wrong? What are you teaching your children about sex that you can't stand for them to have it in your house? That it is something to be shameful about and that no teen should ever confide in their parents?

Start another thread for this, please. THIS parent doesn't want a pregnant child.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't about a discussion about safe sex or not... Obviously she's had that conversation. This thread is really about having sex at home and now she wants to have a 3 some in her parents house. THAT she can do elsewhere and not in the house. My god, there has to be a line of respect and I highly doubt her mom, let alone her dad wants to hear sex sounds of a 3 some coming out of their daughters bedroom! It's not cool at all.

[iammymum]

now she wants to have a 3 some in her parents house. THAT she can do elsewhere and not in the house. My god, there has to be a line of respect and I highly doubt her mom, let alone her dad wants to hear sex sounds of a 3 some coming out of their daughters bedroom

 

I guess we are lucky in that our daughters room is actually a bungalow down by the back fence so she is really removed from the house as such.

 

Not that that makes the thought of the threeway any more appealing but for the most part it is all very private.

[Nyla]

Just to point out, she said AUTHORITARIAN, and not AUTHORITATIVE. Complete opposites.

 

I know the difference, thanks.

 

As you know, authoritarian parenting is characterized by very strict rules and harsh punishments.

 

Apparently, the OP does not want to be viewed as this kind of parent by her daughter.

[turnera]

I know the difference, thanks.

 

As you know, authoritarian parenting is characterized by very strict rules and harsh punishments.

 

Apparently, the OP does not want to be viewed as this kind of parent by her daughter.

No, I was pointing it out to the other readers, so they wouldn't confuse the two.

 

OP, you will NOT get your daughter to 'love' you by giving in to these things. I know lots of moms (and some dads) think it will, that they'll care more about you by you being permissive. It simply isn't the case. Read any psychology textbook and you'll find the same thing - kids NEED you to show strong morals (but not overbearing or mean), to live by them, and to not bend to a child's whims. You are supposed to be her safety rod, her sense of strength, not a willow branch that bends in the wind at every new cool thing she wants to try. Why do you think she's getting outrageous like this? Because she waited for you to show her right and wrong, and all she got from you was 'whatever makes you happy, hon.' Think the 'cool' mother in Mean Girls. It's not too late to show a backbone and regain her respect.

[Kelemvor]

LOL... I can't imagine having a threesome in my parents house growing up, much less having the freedom to have sex with my girlfriend at will. That kind of activity simply was NOT tolerated. I had a rough time with my parents as a teenager, which is normal, but I turned out just fine. Not only have I had a great relationship with them as an adult, but I'm glad they took a hard stance during my childhood. I turned out the better for it.

 

As others have said, I would stop focusing so much on being her best friend and simply be a mother. If that requires that you take a hard nosed approach on a few issues, then so be it. She'll thank you later.

 

Good grief, do NOT allow a threesome in the house with your teenage daughter involved. I feel sorry for your husband. How on earth he went along with allowing his daughter to have willful sex in the house with her boyfriend..I'll never know. I can't imagine being the boyfriend and meeting the dad who knows I'm having sex with his daughter with his implicit permission! Talk about having some guts. I'd grab him, pick him up by the nuts in private and say .... " I don't care what my wife told my daughter or you, but I want to be sure we have a CRYSTAL clear understanding...." lol