Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) I recently ended a long distance relationship with a girl online, and I have question for the forum. I met this girl on another popular relationship site. She was only 4 months out of a 15 year relationship with a guy she was never married to. After we developed feelings for each other, she told me how important it was for her to be able to reach out to others on the site who shared her pain, she said it was important to her healing. I agreed. She would post encouraging comments on threads for both men and women who had been through something similar. So far, no problem. The only time I started to feel a bit weird about it, was when she starting telling me about this one guy whose wife had just left him 3 months ago for another man. She said she wanted to tell me about this guy because she didn't want me to feel threatened by him and she didn't want to keep any secrets from me. (okay now I'm nervous) She said before I came along, she had been exchanging private messages with this guy on the site, this guy also happens to live only a few hours away from her. She said she gave him her phone number and that they were making plans to get together and go for a ride on their bikes. (they both ride motorcycles). She said now that I was in the picture she was not going anywhere with him and that she wouldn't answer her phone when he called. At the time, I thought it was great that she was telling me this, because she didn't have to. I would have never suspected anything with her and this guy, and I was glad afterwards that she thought enough of me to be so open and honest about it. A couple of days later, I noticed that this same guy started openly flirting with her in the forum, he would talk about how he couldn't wait for them to hook up and he wasn't shy about saying what he planned to do to her once they did. I told her how uncomfortable I felt about it. She told me she was shocked that he did that and she assured me that she had no romantic feelings for him at all and that she would not be responding to his flirting in the forum (and she didn't). I told her it was clear that this guy was only after one thing and that it would probably be best for her to stop posting or responding to anything from him. She agreed and said she would leave him alone if it made me feel better. About a week later, I noticed she started posting encouraging comments on his thread when he would tell his sad stories about his wife leaving him. I asked her why was she doing this and she said that it was helping both of them to heal and that she thought it was okay to reach out to everyone in the forum like that. I couldn't shake the feeling that she had never really cut this guy loose and that by continuing to reach out to him, she was actually keeping the door open to a possible future hook up with this guy. Was I wrong about this or was I being played? If a woman knows that a guy wants to get into her pants, but claims to have no desire to hook up with him, why would she keep trying to reach out to him online and help him heal? Was all this just harmless or was there probably more going on between these two behind the scenes? Any feedback or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Edited December 21, 2012 by Lavell Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) Im usually pretty quick to call bull**** on questionable behavior, but based on the details given, my BS alarm isnt sounding. It sounds like she was very open about the guy and didnt encourage his flirting. I think whats going on is that he knows he can get her attention with his sob stories and some women just eat up that wounded man crap. Edit: im half asleep and asked a dumb question. Edited December 21, 2012 by GSB81 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 Im usually pretty quick to call bull**** on questionable behavior, but based on the details given, my BS alarm isnt sounding. It sounds like she was very open about the guy and didnt encourage his flirting. I think whats going on is that he knows he can get her attention with his sob stories and some women just eat up that wounded man crap. Edit: im half asleep and asked a dumb question. Thanks for the quick reply... yea, that was my first gut reaction... I guess I was just a little blown away by her honesty Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 I'm usually very skeptical about stuff like this, but from what you've said, she actually sounds like a good girl to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Its easy to feel compassion and want to help others who have been where you have been ..i tcan however develop into an emotional bond..the main thing is she knows how you feel and if she continues to be open with you and tells the guy straight up she is in a relationship online o rother wise....she needs to set her boundaries on appropriate discussion and inappropriate...she sounds sincere to me too if the guy doesnt respect her boundaries then theres a problem...with disrespect....best wishes...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 I'm usually very skeptical about stuff like this, but from what you've said, she actually sounds like a good girl to me. Thanks MichiganMan, I had a feeling I might be reading too much into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 Its easy to feel compassion and want to help others who have been where you have been ..i tcan however develop into an emotional bond..the main thing is she knows how you feel and if she continues to be open with you and tells the guy straight up she is in a relationship online o rother wise....she needs to set her boundaries on appropriate discussion and inappropriate...she sounds sincere to me too if the guy doesnt respect her boundaries then theres a problem...with disrespect....best wishes...deb Thanks for the response, Yea, I think the problem I had with this guy was that he had her phone number and that they had planned to hook up before I came around and he was making a jerk of himself over her in public. at one point she even told me I could send him an email and tell him to cool it. You're right, she was completely open and honest with me She was volunteering information even when I wasn't asking for it. She did eventually make a rather public statement to the forum that we were in a relationship and he did seem to back off and tone it down after that. We are taking a break right now, but we plan to pick it up again I appreciate the reply, great feedback! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) The two of them sound like morons, openly posting on a dating site message forum and he describing what he's 'going to do to her when they hook up' in the thread. She's a real class act for not finding that disrespectful and offensive - regardless if she had intentions to meet him or not. Her "Mother Theresa" routine - acting as though she's some sort of wise sage healing all the broken people on the message forum - is just so over the top and reeks of self-importance. Who cares whether you got played or not? She's long distance, so what were you really expecting? A telephone/email/chat box/Skype/texting "relationship?" Put your effort toward someone real. Thanks for the reply, You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but let me clarify a few things... *It's not a dating site its a relationship advice forum. *Her response sounded genuine, she was pretty shocked when she read his comments. I honestly don't think she knew he was going to do that. *Helping people heal from broken relationships is pretty much the theme of the entire forum, "helping people heal" is pretty common language used on the site. *Who cares whether you got played or not? What were you expecting? Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my thread... Since you made so many errors in judging my story... I care about the rest of your response about as much as you care about my long distance relationships. So I guess that means the feelings mutual. Edited December 21, 2012 by Lavell 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 She sounds like a good girl for the most part. What I didn't like is that she promised you that she would cut off all contact with the guy only to find out she was posting on his thread. That would be questionable behavior to me. BUT! That can be easily sorted out too. Sounds like you two communicate well enough to work out the bugs with boundries. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Later82012 Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 If a guy lets a woman know that he wants to sleep with her and if she is still in contact with him after that, take it for granted that it is going to happen sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 She sounds like a good girl for the most part. What I didn't like is that she promised you that she would cut off all contact with the guy only to find out she was posting on his thread. That would be questionable behavior to me. BUT! That can be easily sorted out too. Sounds like you two communicate well enough to work out the bugs with boundries. Yea, that's the part that kind of bothered me too. She's really a very sweet, out-going person, but also a little naive. This wasn't just any guy, this was a guy that she already planned to hook up with before she met me. She always encouraged me to read all her comments because she said she nothing to hide. She said she knew I was going to read her comments to him and didn't think I would have problem with it because she made it clear to the forum that I was her guy. I told her that responding to this guy may seem harmless, but given their history, he could easily take it as a green light to keep trying to hook up with her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 If a guy lets a woman know that he wants to sleep with her and if she is still in contact with him after that, take it for granted that it is going to happen sooner or later. OUCH!!! Now see, the alpha male in me agrees with you... what say you ladies? is this true? are there some exceptions out there? Link to post Share on other sites
sadpanda87 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 OUCH!!! Now see, the alpha male in me agrees with you... what say you ladies? is this true? are there some exceptions out there? unfortunately, unless she sets her foot down and reject him outright, he'll keep pushing and pushing boundaries until she feels almost 'obliged' to be intimate im not sure, but does it seem like she's the kind of girl REQUIRES attention? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 unfortunately, unless she sets her foot down and reject him outright, he'll keep pushing and pushing boundaries until she feels almost 'obliged' to be intimate im not sure, but does it seem like she's the kind of girl REQUIRES attention? Yea, that's what I was afraid of... She just got out of a 15 year relationship with a guy who treated her like a princess, then she catches him cheating on her. She loves it when I send her romantic letters, then there are times when she will push me away and say she doesn't want to be put on a pedestal because the last guy said all the right things and still cheated on her. But when I back off with the romance stuff she gets her feelings hurt and thinks I don't care about her. If that's what you mean by "REQUIRES ATTENTION" then yes, I guess you're right. Bottom line is, she is gong to have to completely cut this guy in the forum out of her life if she wants any kind of a future with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lavell Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 LOL. Whether it's a dating site message forum or a LoveShack type of forum - does that honestly matter? Your opinion of my post doesn't change the FACTS though, does it? You yourself said you couldn't shake the feeling that she hadn't quit being in contact with this jerk. I guess I "assumed" that too? You go right ahead and keep ignoring what your gut is telling you. You'll be back here again, telling us all how she did you dirty. You think your situation is so unique, but it's not. We've heard this story 20,000 times. There you go again putting words in my mouth... I never said I was ignoring my gut, (you could very well be right...) I never said my situation was unique... I just don't like your style... You seem to get off on kicking people when their down and looking for help. One thing I can promise you though... If she does do me dirty? It will be a cold day in hell before I come back to this place looking for advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Later82012 Posted December 22, 2012 Share Posted December 22, 2012 Just because of one poster? Link to post Share on other sites
Bumaga vsyo sterpit Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I recently ended a long distance relationship with a girl online, and I have question for the forum. I met this girl on another popular relationship site. She was only 4 months out of a 15 year relationship with a guy she was never married to. After we developed feelings for each other, she told me how important it was for her to be able to reach out to others on the site who shared her pain, she said it was important to her healing. I agreed. She would post encouraging comments on threads for both men and women who had been through something similar. So far, no problem. The only time I started to feel a bit weird about it, was when she starting telling me about this one guy whose wife had just left him 3 months ago for another man. She said she wanted to tell me about this guy because she didn't want me to feel threatened by him and she didn't want to keep any secrets from me. (okay now I'm nervous) She said before I came along, she had been exchanging private messages with this guy on the site, this guy also happens to live only a few hours away from her. She said she gave him her phone number and that they were making plans to get together and go for a ride on their bikes. (they both ride motorcycles). She said now that I was in the picture she was not going anywhere with him and that she wouldn't answer her phone when he called. At the time, I thought it was great that she was telling me this, because she didn't have to. I would have never suspected anything with her and this guy, and I was glad afterwards that she thought enough of me to be so open and honest about it. A couple of days later, I noticed that this same guy started openly flirting with her in the forum, he would talk about how he couldn't wait for them to hook up and he wasn't shy about saying what he planned to do to her once they did. I told her how uncomfortable I felt about it. She told me she was shocked that he did that and she assured me that she had no romantic feelings for him at all and that she would not be responding to his flirting in the forum (and she didn't). I told her it was clear that this guy was only after one thing and that it would probably be best for her to stop posting or responding to anything from him. She agreed and said she would leave him alone if it made me feel better. About a week later, I noticed she started posting encouraging comments on his thread when he would tell his sad stories about his wife leaving him. I asked her why was she doing this and she said that it was helping both of them to heal and that she thought it was okay to reach out to everyone in the forum like that. I couldn't shake the feeling that she had never really cut this guy loose and that by continuing to reach out to him, she was actually keeping the door open to a possible future hook up with this guy. Was I wrong about this or was I being played? If a woman knows that a guy wants to get into her pants, but claims to have no desire to hook up with him, why would she keep trying to reach out to him online and help him heal? Was all this just harmless or was there probably more going on between these two behind the scenes? Any feedback or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Lol @ taking Internet relationships seriously Link to post Share on other sites
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