Why is my divorce taking forever?

[rzdave]

My wife of 27 years left me for another man 18 months ago. Filed for divorce 16 months ago. We tried for a mediated divorce with one attorney helping both of us 17 months ago. That failed from the start as she didnt like what the attorney was telling her regarding assets that she was not entitled to that were either pre-marital assets, or were assets that belonged to my mother and father and not us. I divided all the cash assets immediately the day she left. We own 2 homes together with mortgages. We have debts. We divided the furniture. Our children at the time of separation were age 20 and 17. The 17 year old became emancipated 9 months following the divorce filing. He lived with me all the while.

 

So she hires an attorney and I hire an attorney. The first judge in the case dies. So it takes 3 months to find out who the new judge is. My attorney files certain motions but the court never hears them. They send us to mediation. She cancels the first one, then 3 months later, we finally have a mediation. She brings her new mate to the mediation. Mediation goes nowhere. Our attorneys decide to give mediation a second chance. We go to another mediation, the mediator says a deal has been reached but my ex once again brought her new mate with her and the deal falls apart at the 11th hour. Her mate is a wanna be lawyer who went to law school but had some issue in his youth that didnt let him sit for the bar exam. He is frustrated gold digger in my opinion. He is definitely throwing fuel on the fire. I oftentimes feel I am divorcing him, not her.

 

On dec 5th we were supposed to go to the court to set a trial date, but the new judge decides to quit family court so now once again there is no judge. And today I find out that my wife's lawyer also quit because of "irreconcilable differences"... funny since thats what the reason for my divorce is. So now both I and her ex attorney share the same issue with my soon to be ex wife. If her attorney quit, its because either she is tired of a woman who wont listen to reason, or she hasnt been paid, or both!

 

I am extremely frustrated at the legal system. In the 1.5 years since she left, I have met another wonderful woman, and I have fallen in love. I want to start my life again but am chained to this old marriage that simply does not end due to the failures of the family court in my county and state. There really are very few issues for the court to resolve between my ex and I although my ex tries to make them bigger than they are. She is very vindictive. Acts like the "woman scorned" even though she is the one who left me any my teenage children for this other man. It makes absolutely no sense to me why she didnt accept the very generous settlement offer I made to her at mediation. So I know this has nothing to do with money. She is dragging this divorce out for other reasons I simply do not understand. Unfortunately, now knowing how unreasonable she has become, only the gavel of the judge will provide me with freedom from this broken marriage. Until then, I cannot tell the world that I am divorced. Its a horrible feeling.

 

My attorney tells me that I must be patient. But how long? My frustration grows more and more each day. Has anyone out there experienced a similar dilemma and what was your outcome?

 

I certainly will never marry again. That is unfortunate because I like the feeling of being married and have been for so many years. But seeing how the court system works in ending a failed marriage, I just cannot ever see myself going thru something like this a second time in my lifetime. Thanks for listening and providing any advice.

Edited December 21, 2012 by rzdave
Added info about children.

[Yasuandio]

Welcome to litagation (and LS).

 

I'm going to tell you a few episodes of a story that I hate to tell you. But this story will convince you to be very cooperative in your divorce - and get it over ASAP.

 

My divorce decree just became final after a contentious three day trial this past August - following four years separation with ongoing protracted divorce proceedings.

 

The trial was just terrible, grueling. The costs over the past four years were astronomical - I owe my attorney at this moment a balance of $120K, and the business evaluator $25K. That doesn't include the $20K retainer paid in December '08, andthe $40K or so paid to my attorney over the years through various Court judgments, Contempt Motions To Produce, etc. I had to come up with 7K up front just before trial, for a medical expert's testimony out of my disability payments.

 

Now, post-trial, the attorney has put liens on my home and the rental home that I received in the divorce, both of which are under water big time. The funds I won from an insurance claim ($31,000) which I intended to use to pay off credit card debt ( from retainer) my attorney has also put lien on - and is fighting to secure that asset as well (probably won't be successful on that one).

 

Obviously, I am going to have to file for bankruptsy.

 

Essentally, what I'm telling you, a divorce can put your financial life, and your emotional life in ruins, even if you don't have any money at hand. The attorneys can be very cagey in stretching things out - so they can try to get you future settlement.

 

Also - the spouse can have various reasons or motives for stretching the divorce process out to outragious lengths - no matter the cost to them, and there is not a darn thing you can do about it. As you already know, your spouse can simply change the date last minute and/or be non-cooperative in mediation. Stalling a divorce can also be as simple as consistently being late in turning over documents - or refusing to turn over documents until the very last moment. For example, your attorney might:

 

(1) ask for documents during the discovery process;

 

(2) write letter after letter and try to work with opposing council, for months and months to no avail when documents are not produced;

 

(3) begin the threat process;

 

(4) try to supoena documents;

 

(5) file a motion to compel opposing council to produce documents;

 

(6) if documents still are not produced, he can request a Court date to have your Motion heard by the Judge.

 

I found the following to be the most henious outcome: In my case, once these matters finially reached the Court house, suddenly, within five minutes before our Motion would be called, - the document would conveniently be produced (or "whatever" issue would miraculiously be solved without the Judge's intervention), and everyone would go home. Typically, a Court visit like that was not only hugely stressful (especially with my disabilities - severe anxiety, bi-polar, and panic disorders, etc.); and it cost, on average, 3-4G a visit (for each side), not to mention preparation. Then, soon enough, another issue would get started and delayed.

 

I am just telling you this nightmare so you know how bad it can get. Surely my situation has got to be the exception. However - when a spouse is vengeful and angry, as mine was (and is in control of the money and/or a successful family business) you never know what can happen. This was a 27 year marriage - and he didn't care how much of the estate was blown. You know, I do remember him actually telling me at one time he wanted me on the street. Yas

 

PS Here is another thing to keep in mind. I believe my attorney was dishonest with me. I fired her after the trial was over, although she refused to stop working on the case, "in my best interest" (she can do that, with final written arguments for legal fees, and other documents needed to fulfill the Judge's Order). I also believe my medical records were improperly disclosed during the hearing - and my attorney would not acknowledge this fact to me for some reason. There are still unresolved matters in my case - transfers of deeds, stock, etc. However, I do not trust my attorney - I'm four months out know, and just paralized. I think she is still charging up fees for these letters arguing with the insurance company in trying to lift that insurance check out from under me. She's producing tons of paperwork regarding all these leins. It is so frightening, I have not even opened the invoice attachments they send. Whatta mess.

Edited December 23, 2012 by Yasuandio