Need tips from more experienced people

[number122]

Hello! I'm just your usual, 26 year old man, currently in a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend who is soon to be 19. I have been working abroad for a year now, but I always traveled back home to her to enjoy a little time together. (She never traveled to me sadly, even though I said that I would pay for the travel fees. ) Thanks to this we only meet once a month, usually not longer than a few days or a weekend. (However I always try my best to make those moments memorable and she really likes those.) Recently she blew the "I don't feel the spark anymore" sentence along with the "you are disturbing my space" with lot of crying on her part. However she said that she doesn't want to lose me and she loves me very much and I'm really imporant to her. However as I read somewhere in the forums the "minimum investment maximum reward" policy is quite true for her, not to mention she is extremly selfish (lone kid with only a mother from a very young age, her father divorced when she was 6 I think). She also said that she doesn't feel sure about herself. (?) She presented the "will you be my friend if we would break-up?" question, which I answered with a simple no, saying that I would cease any contact with her if that would happen. So she's not sure about herself, doesn't know what she should do, because she "loves me", but the spark is gone for her. I still love her the same even after all this time and she feels bad that she can't respond the same to my feelings. As her type you can say that she's the "princess type". Lots of dreams, loud mouth, aggressive style. She doesn't demand anything, but she expects that I make the programs, I "lit her fire" etc etc...Sometimes she's all "lovey-dovey" calling me and writing e-mails, sms and stuff (usually after I went home and came back to abroud), but after a few weeks she doesn't care much or doesn't show it. So here I am asking for advice on what and how should I do it. Is our relationship over? Should I invest more into her or break up with her? What should we do? Thanks for all the help and tips in an advance!! If you have any questions please feel free to ask! I really want to solve this with her!

[darkmoon]

you could say "I'm here if you need me" but whether you want to be at her beck and call is up to you and if you're the friend now not lovers any more, I would not like to be in your shoes if she tells you of any dates she went on - you should date others to amuse yourself

 

jump before you're pushed, leave

it's xmas and she's treating you like this?

i'd say "**** you, princess"

[movingon12]

Based on what you've written here you are already doing a lot to show your commitment to her, and clearly it's not what she wants.

 

To be fair, 'princess' or not, the girl's only 19, which is very young to be stuck in an LDR, so I'm not surprised she's not making much of an effort and is saying she wants to break up.

 

You're not happy in this relationship because you're not getting out of it what you're putting into it. She's not happy because the spark is gone.

 

Time to say goodbye, go NC and move on.

[number122]

Based on what you've written here you are already doing a lot to show your commitment to her, and clearly it's not what she wants.

 

To be fair, 'princess' or not, the girl's only 19, which is very young to be stuck in an LDR, so I'm not surprised she's not making much of an effort and is saying she wants to break up.

 

You're not happy in this relationship because you're not getting out of it what you're putting into it. She's not happy because the spark is gone.

 

Time to say goodbye, go NC and move on.

 

That's the thing. She doesn't want to break up, but I don't know it's worthvile to continue. I mean both of us do care for each other (note: she always said that I do love her more she does me) and it is I who tries to hold things together. So I'm a little confused. She doesn't want to break up, but she doesn't do anything to keep me.

[sweetkiwi]

She's getting everything she wants. You're not. God i wish i had a man that would travel every mouth across the world just to see me!!!! She obviously doesn't appreciate you. Its up to you what to do now. Not her. Why do you let her call all the shots? Why not leave, heal, and move on?

[number122]

She's getting everything she wants. You're not. God i wish i had a man that would travel every mouth across the world just to see me!!!! She obviously doesn't appreciate you. Its up to you what to do now. Not her. Why do you let her call all the shots? Why not leave, heal, and move on?

 

Because I love her and I think it would be really hard to find another girl like her. We "click" extremly well. Our hobbies, hates etc etc. Pretty much the same. So you say she doesnt appreciate me? Hm...

[movingon12]

She doesn't want to break up, but she doesn't do anything to keep me.

 

She does want to break up:

 

 

• (She never traveled to me sadly, even though I said that I would pay for the travel fees. )
  
• "I don't feel the spark anymore"
  
• "you are disturbing my space"
  
• "will you be my friend if we would break-up?"
  
• she "loves me", but the spark is gone for her.
  
• after a few weeks she doesn't care much or doesn't show it.
  

People don't like to say "I want to break up with you". They hint, imply, suggest, start to sow the seeds, and try to soften the blow with lots of 'I love you but...'

 

"I love you but..." means I care about you, I don't want to hurt you, I'm trying to make this easy for you, but I don't see a future with you anymore, please make this easy for me and walk away.

 

People who don't want to break up never say things like 'will you be my friend if we break up' or 'I don't feel the spark anymore'.

 

People who don't want to break up make an effort to keep a relationship going. She isn't doing that.

 

So it's up to you. You can let her get more and more distant, and more and more disinterested until you're so fed up and annoyed with her that you break up on really bad terms. Or you accept - now - that the relationship has run it's course, and move on, with relative civility.

[CarrieT]

You "click" and have all these shared hobbies, but at 19 years old, this WILL NOT LAST!!!

 

She is just becoming an adult and will be going through so many changes In the next fee years that I can guarantee she will not be the wan you want and need in the next decade or two.

 

She is already learning how to manipulate you to keep you close enough to keep her comfortable, but - honestly - find a girl your own age who has already matured into a woman you can grow *with!*.

[number122]

Hm. This will be hard. Sometimes is just as you guys said and I feel that I should end it, but sometimes she comes back to her old self asking with a half crying voice that "are you angry at me?" and telling me how hard she loves me etc etc.

 

It's really confusing.

[movingon12]

Hm. This will be hard. Sometimes is just as you guys said and I feel that I should end it, but sometimes she comes back to her old self asking with a half crying voice that "are you angry at me?" and telling me how hard she loves me etc etc.

 

It's really confusing.

 

There should be no 'sometimes'.

 

'Sometimes' isn't enough.

 

A strong, healthy, happy, lasting relationship is based on 'everyday she tells/shows me how hard she loves me'.

 

She's 19, you're probably her first love - of course this is hard and confusing for her. But - assume for the moment that this is going to end - how much more time and money do you want to spend on her first?

[Axee]

enjoy the ride of "half crying voice " , "do you love me ?" ,"can we be friends" etc,

 

This relationship is over, atleast for now.. Go NC and move on.. How I too wish had a guy who was as committed to me as you are !!

 

And yes,same likes, same dislikes dont mean a thing...A person can be entirely different than you .. Think deeper ... And if you and she had indeed "clicked" then she wouldnt have said the spark is gone...

 

Do you really think she , at 19, already saying spark is gone etc, will marry you????? I am saying because I presume thats where you eventually want to be...

[Chi townD]

The honest truth? I think that this relationship is running it's course. She says that she doesn't want to break up; yet, she asks you questions like, "If we break up, would you still be my friend?" If everything was peachy in Relationship Town, she wouldn't be asking those questions. She's testing your responses. She doesn't want to lose you completely. I have a feeling that if you would have said "yes" to the friends question, that's EXACTLY what you would be right now.

 

I think that her being at such a young age and being in a LDR is taking it's toll. And, I hate to say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's another guy she might be interested in. I'm not saying that there is someone else for sure. But, I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone else she's intesrested in.

 

Sorry to be blunt.

[number122]

A little update on what's happened. I went home for Christmas, been with her for almost four weeks. (not always, but mostly)

 

I did not break up with her.

 

She said that the feeling of love changed inside her to "hot embers". It's hard to describe what it was like, she wants attention and care (and gives in return), but it feels that "my job as a man" is a little more...

 

We've done a lot of things and it was fun. She cried a little when I had to travel back. She treats me well when I'm with her, but when I'm not (aka working abroad) it's like she forgets to make "little" things to show care. We still talk, we still do things together (online), but she's more occupied with herself. (more than usual.)

 

I don't know how things will work out and I don't know if I should just "go with the flow." She is young and we are in LDR. I feel I shouldn't commit myself further, because it would hurt more if it would end, but going on like this is just like slowly dying inside I think.

 

I'm a little confused on what should I do. I wonder if I should let "things turn out".

[number122]

Another update. Went home for Valentines and we had a talk. I told her that it hurts me that she doesn't want to uphold the relationship nor does she make an effort for it. She answered (while crying) that I shoudn't expect the same investment, nor does she want to do it. Her life has a bigger priority than "us" now. She grown tired of "us" and she told me that "I generate troubles and I'm making too much of a fuss" (while I'm actually not, we are in LDR still).

 

But then again she keeps sending "Iloveyou" mail/messages, she tell me how she misses me at night, when she goes to sleep and I don't hold her hands and how she loves my scent and how it makes her calm. Etc etc.

 

She was really disinterested and distant not to mention mean, just as you guys said. This relationship is running it's course, just as you guys deducted. I'll be traveling home (project ended) in March so I'm currently on the side "Let's see how she reacts that I'm with her now".

 

But as of now the percentage of the option of "I'll break up with her" started to outweight the scale.

[todreaminblue]

Thats fair enough you don't want to be her friend,have you talked to her about where the relationship is going......it shouldnt be up to you aloen to keep the fire lit....doesnt work that way takes effort on both sides, what has she doen lately that has lit your fire...anything?..what do you fidn keeps you wanting more?..deb

[BarbecueMan666]

Hey, not sure when you'll read this, but I've just been through something with a very similar woman.

 

I'm 23, my ex was almost 27 - we were together for 1.5 years. Initially very lovey dovey - scaled as far as ideas of marriage, childrens names, future plan together, we lived together for quite a while.

 

She acted very similar to your current gf. Gave very little, expected a lot. It wasn't always like this though in which made it hard for me to decipher. Initially we were both extremely giving and caring, I always had more money and helped out more in that respect - but even that leaned towards me having to pay for everything eventually, and rather than being grateful - it was almost like my duty to do that.

 

My ex also planned on focusing on herself without really telling me, distanced herself a lot and the hot and cold fiasco began - all I can say is she sounds very similar, and I'm beginning to realize I'm going to be better off without.

 

My ex very ambitious, very intelligent and beautiful and is a born survivor. All very admirable traits - but she'll put herself first everytime, and those that no longer benefit her how she wants them to, she will discard them.

It turned out I didn't get my ex famous, and she really wants to be, and the only reason she hung on for as long as she did was her being frightened she wouldn't make it as easily without me I guess.

 

Sorry to be a bummer - maybe my experience is a little salty, but women whom act like you've written (In my strong experience) are pretty selfish, and probably not worth your time.

[number122]

Hey, not sure when you'll read this, but I've just been through something with a very similar woman.

 

I'm 23, my ex was almost 27 - we were together for 1.5 years. Initially very lovey dovey - scaled as far as ideas of marriage, childrens names, future plan together, we lived together for quite a while.

 

She acted very similar to your current gf. Gave very little, expected a lot. It wasn't always like this though in which made it hard for me to decipher. Initially we were both extremely giving and caring, I always had more money and helped out more in that respect - but even that leaned towards me having to pay for everything eventually, and rather than being grateful - it was almost like my duty to do that.

 

My ex also planned on focusing on herself without really telling me, distanced herself a lot and the hot and cold fiasco began - all I can say is she sounds very similar, and I'm beginning to realize I'm going to be better off without.

 

My ex very ambitious, very intelligent and beautiful and is a born survivor. All very admirable traits - but she'll put herself first everytime, and those that no longer benefit her how she wants them to, she will discard them.

It turned out I didn't get my ex famous, and she really wants to be, and the only reason she hung on for as long as she did was her being frightened she wouldn't make it as easily without me I guess.

 

Sorry to be a bummer - maybe my experience is a little salty, but women whom act like you've written (In my strong experience) are pretty selfish, and probably not worth your time.

 

Pretty much what you wrote. Caring at the beginning, but now...She is extremly selfish, she is a lone child. Father divorced when she was very young. She currently owes me a lot of money (bought dress for her and other stuff), but she is giving it back slowly.

 

So you say that she is not worth the trouble? In the end, she only cared about herself and will discard me as soon as she gets anothers males attention?

[BarbecueMan666]

My ex and I ended it without another male being involved as far as I could tell, but I'll never know.

 

As for not being worth the trouble - that's exactly what I mean. My ex latched onto the idea that I was not enhancing her growth I suppose, not exactly holding her back, but definitely not helping.

 

She's going to be fine without me and she knew that, she's a lonewolf/survivor traits both admirable and I guess selfish if used incorrectly. My ex was a great manipulator, and without even feeling mean about it I guess I was used, and would have continued to get used.

[number122]

Another update. Yesterday she told (with lots of crying again) that I've changed, 'shut myself in', became 'uptight' and I'm not the same guy she loved. We are not in 'sync'. Hence the reason why she doesn't feel anything for me now. She also told me a lot of things what she doesn't like about me now. (How I 'guard' her against other 'males', how I show others 'that she belongs to me'... Which is quite interesting, because I do no such thing...simply because we're in LDR and I don't even have the chance to meet with her friends)

 

It's been 3 months now since we had any kind of intimate relationship. She is really distant, cold. For now we agreed that we continue, but if we can't 'sync' we shall have another 'talk'.

 

Anyway, I feel terrible, because I feel I didn't change much over the years and I think I don't deserve such treatment.

 

PS.: On a side note: Her mother keeps giving her advice, such as the "I shut myself in". She talks with her all the time and about everything, probably even our relationship. Her mother is a single (45yo), had a husband who "betrayed her" (used her and didn't care for her) 14 years ago and she still talks bad about him all the time.

 

Well that's it. I can't figure out what to do now. Maybe I should manthe****up and quit this relationship once and for all.

[emmalynro]

Your relationship is continuing in name only. It's already over and it's been over. Don't mind me if I feel more empathy for the poor 18-year-old stuck in a relationship with a significantly older man who blames her for everything going wrong. She's incredibly lost and confused, and all you're doing is messing with her understanding of what a healthy relationship is. This story is sad. End it.

[number122]

Your relationship is continuing in name only. It's already over and it's been over. Don't mind me if I feel more empathy for the poor 18-year-old stuck in a relationship with a significantly older man who blames her for everything going wrong. She's incredibly lost and confused, and all you're doing is messing with her understanding of what a healthy relationship is. This story is sad. End it.

 

5-6 years is that big of a difference? I am messing with her?!

Anyway, I hate to agree with that our relationship is over, but how to move on? Both of us likes the company of the other and likes to go to places, not to mention our friends.

 

Should I just leave everything? Should I just "stay friends with her?"? I don't think that's a good idea...

[emmalynro]

6 years is a HUGE difference when one of the parties is so young. The older you get, the less it matters, but right now 6 years is 1/3rd of her entire life. That's outrageous. Cut her out entirely for a couple months or so, then see if you have any desire to be friends after that.

[number122]

Just a quick update:

 

I've broken up with her. She basicly arrived at the same conclusion. The break-up was in a friendly manner. She cried a lot, telling me that she will miss me, she still likes me as a person, that we can talk anytime and do stuff together, etc etc. It's been two days since No Contact, cut out all communication. (unfollowed her at every place, blocked gmail chat, but didn't remove her from my fb list just put in the "Not close friends" group).

 

She only wrote one twitter message after this (she was angry that I unfollowed her and doesn't believe what I've just done), but that's all. I didn't respond.

 

Am I torn to piece inside? Yes. I still love her, I still want her. No question about that. However I do realize that no matter what I do to her, it would be pointless. It would only lower my standing, not to mention that it woudn't help my healing. I know this, but at the moment it hurts so much I can barely avoid of looking at her profile, or write an e-mail to her. I'll hold on. That's the best thing I can do now. For myself. I can only hope that I'll find someone whom I can love and devote myself with the same passion. In time, maybe.

[number122]

Update again, two weeks passed. She wrote a friendly e-mail which I did not answer. Zero contact since our BU.

 

However yesterday I saw two things which shacked me very hard. The first one was a facebook picture. One of our mutual friends posted a few group pictures. They were having fun. My ex just recently became very close to them, and she was with them. She seemed happy. This hurt really bad, but the finishing blow came later.

 

One of our closer friends typed in twitter that why is everybody breaking up now? I pressed the reply button and I saw her message as well (I'm not following my ex anymore btw..). She only said "Duh sorry, life's like that! Reverse spring !" for her.

 

This hurt even more. Why? Because she is already over me...no.. Because the relationship, for which I sacrificed so much, was only worth this much to her. Feels like all my efforts were for nothing. One week and she's already with new friends, partying and already over. While I am working abroad day and night and on weekends too pretty much, with no friends, contact from anybody at the middle of exact nowhere. Enduring this alone is terrible.

 

So I vented here a little. Released some steam. It helped.

[EmptyWalls]

Geez what a brutal couple of months that had to be. I think you saw it coming all along just didnt want to believe it, we never do. She was young and that definitely played a factor here. I think she cared for you but is not really sure what love is yet. The things you did for her.... that next man has a hell of a mountain to climb. I think you did the right thing by ending things, she wanted out and you loved her enough to let her go to be happy. It ended on a good note, respects for that. We definitely have to cut out any kind of physical or virtual contact. I didnt do this at first and it nearly killed me. They seem to go on like nothing... I think she needs to grow up a lot in order to be ready for the things you have to offer and to give you the things you want and need. Im sorry to hear about this dude it is similar to what I went through, its not easy and I have changed a lot emotionally. But im trying not to become that cold person. People say I have a good heart and I see you do too, we have to keep putting good out there man and one day good will come to us. (I hope) Best of luck, be strong, and take care!