Need tips from more experienced people

[number122]

One of my friends just messaged me in FB that my ex now has a new boyfriend. I didn't ask for this info, nor I ever made any kind of move that I want to know.

 

Anyway, the honey is out of the pot now. It hurt, not that bad, but it stung me quite a bit. Just enough that I keep thinking about her once again...

 

So I'm feelin down, feelin' bad and kind of angry, even though I expected this and tried to prepare myself for it.

 

Still need more times it seems...

[cavalier99]

Meh her having a new BF is actually good news. The second my ex was gone i assumed she has a new BF was married and had kids.

 

It is better this way. Any lingering hope (the tiny bit that was left) can be killed off. Your probably closer than you think to being totally over it. Soon youll really start to appreciate being single. enjoy it while you can. Im already in a new RS and happy but the single phase was short lived.

 

PS i was as torn up as you and now chat amicably with my ex. I coudnt care less about the fact she has a BF and she wants to get married to him. Youll get there too. Indifference is just around the corner bro. Stay NC. Rock on! Cav!

[number122]

I hope you are right mate, I hope you are right....

[cavalier99]

I hope you are right mate, I hope you are right....

 

I am. Just stop getting updates about her. When your truly over you can call her if you want and get all the gory and soon to be boring (to you) details about her. Im telling you..your not going to care at all. We all get there believe it or not. Just keep on going. Cav

[number122]

I am. Just stop getting updates about her. When your truly over you can call her if you want and get all the gory and soon to be boring (to you) details about her. Im telling you..your not going to care at all. We all get there believe it or not. Just keep on going. Cav

 

I can't stop "getting updates about her". Even if I block her from FB or from everywhere else ppl will mention her name or a photo with her (not tagged at all usually, but I recognize her). She became famous around the group of ppl my hobby links to. For example yesterday one of the girls mentioned her, just out of the blue, not even a link, just her name. I can't filter that...

 

More precisely, I'm unable, because I have to talk to ppl (again it's for my hobby..) there. I can't avoid her, everybody knows her now.

 

Not to mention some of these ppl just suddenly start talking about her how happy she is now with the "best around of the group". I didn't ask for this info, and they don't know that I dated her, she kept everything about us close and never put out a picture or any of the programs or anything at all we did on the net.

 

So she's already over me. She had the support of her (new) friends, she can go to these meetings, she got a new bf. She had everything to help her (not to mention she was the one who broke up with me).

 

On my part, I work abroad, alone, my friends are not here(and they are not the net type) and I have noone to turn to, no to mention I don't have the time to socialize (working 10-12 hours a day and I don't even speak the language here) and I see her all the time thanks to her getting famous...(even if I block her) Life is unfair it seems.

 

No wonder I can't forget her. I either abandon my hobby fully, and all the remaining connection (via chat, fb, twitter etc) to that group(over 9000 ppl) my hobby links me and "hole myself up", or try to overcome this alone, while bearing the pain and depression.

 

It's a loss/loss situation for me either way. I do my best however, I train everyday, I practice my hobby, reaching out to ppl as best as I can, but the wound doesn't seems to be healing at all and she keeps resurfacing thanks to these unwanted pictures/talks/infos. I did everything I could to forget her (deleted everything, blocked everything), but it seems fate likes to torture me.

 

It's past 5 months now and things didn't change much for me at all, or to be precise, something changed. I don't even dream of getting back together with her.

And I still think that I'll never be able to have the same feelings for any kind of girl in the future. More like I would never ever "fall for the same trick again", who would be such an idiot to go through this hell again?

 

 

Phew.. It's been quite a while since I whined so much, but this weekend I hit the bottom again (with that picture, mentioning her) and I had to write this out. Maybe some of you have some tips what to do, or had similar situation to me and can share a few words.

[number122]

And I just had two nights where I dreamed about her that "she misses me and hugged me" and I quickly woke up, heart beating extremely fast, sweating and the one thing I could thought of was "That's impossible, not anymore."

 

God I hate this, why am I unable to finally move on, like her?

[oracle]

Let see

 

only 19 now..

 

Been with you since she was 17

 

LDR...

 

 

 

I don't even need to say it, do i

[oracle]

Sorry... just had to post that callous one above.

 

OK

 

Listen.

 

If you haven't already, read my post pinned to the top of this section.

 

After my relationship ended I got involved with someone very very young.. like you.. except I was 6 years older than you are now.

 

I had no experience with anyone else, been with my ex since 19. This ynger guy was fairly experienced for a yng guy and he more or less called the shots on where it went. He pursued me actively.. though I don't know why. It was really loosey goosey for the first 4 months till I started to get attached. I just let go and I enjoyed it and let it go wherever. I knew he would be moving when school started up so ultimately it had a shelf life. He knew all about my ex and my drama there, he even met my ex and he was there to get me through some hard times.

 

It was easy and fun, and he was caring and sweet and devious and it was a whole new experience. I almost think I took it for granted at the time.

 

It lasted a year before he abruptly had to leave. I never imagined I would get attached to him, let alone be able to say hes the only other person other than my ex that I have loved in my 34yrs.

 

He moved and I decided it would be best to stay away and let him start building his new life. I never got to say goodbye in person. We kept close contact for awhile.. but eventually I was replaced and he quickly moved on. When he was done.. he was done.

 

And I think thats how it typically works in that scenario with the younger ones. They are young and attractive and full of life and they have more freedom of choice and well lets be honest, can have what they want. For us, its more of a unique experience.. not easily had.. and not easily forgotten.

 

I still have his photos on my phone, and I creep him now and then to see how hes growing up in the 2 years since our time together. I never had a bad moment in entire year with him, and while I think of him often, it brings a pang of sadness to my heart but I quickly convert that to a smile. Its a period of my life and experience that I am so grateful for having, regardless of the fact it was lived thru the nightmare backdrop of the demise of my 14yr relationship.

 

I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Everything in life has an ending. Enjoy it while you can, and let the positive experiences you take out of it add to the richness of what is; your ever evolving life.

[number122]

What you just said. We're older so it was unique for us. And for her? It was not. That's what makes me angry. I gave my very best and it amounted to almost nothing. And now somebody else is already hogging my "carefully built" girlfriend/relationship with all its positive comings. I made her train, so she will have a good body, brought her to wellness every week so she can be in shape. Taught her many things in terms of relationship and expectations. I was her very core in supporting her hobby, her dreams, against all the people.

 

She was a fat, non-social and she sucked at her hobby. I helped every way I could, ordered things from the net, payed it for her, talked with the sellers, helped her at the meetings, listened to her when no one cared about her, played with her when nobody wanted to. I could go on forever.

 

And now? She reached that stage. She's famous, she looks so good that others compliments her, she's at the top of the pyramid considering her hobby, she got a job (you can't imagine how much she wanted a job and I helped her searching and giving tips always), people wants to befriend her.

 

And I got "tossed aside" with "I don't love you anymore." I got totally used. Now this brings one question or more like a realization. I'll never be able to trust a woman again, for fearing she will use me. She tore my very foundation for future relationships apart, which will take years for me to rebuild within myself, while she enjoys her fame and new friends and bf.

 

It feels **** that all the work you have done so she could reach this stage...and you will enjoy none of its fruits. Would I be grateful if I had the chance for something like this again?

 

Never in the burning ****ing pits of hell again. I make mistakes, everyone does. One time was enough for me.

[oracle]

You need to step back and read what you are writing

 

"Carefully built?"

 

You sound like a child who's toy was taken away

 

She was a kid when you met her. Obviously weak with low self esteem. She allowed you to mold her into what YOU wanted her to be

 

Now she is growing into an adult and is no longer wanting to be a controlled possession

 

You are a victim of your own optimism. People will be who they will want to be. Not what you want to create for yourself

 

You went down this road with a 17yo. Not old enough to drink vote or buy cigarettes. That in and of itself should temper all your expectations right off the bat.

 

These are the consequences. Don't play with yng kids if your aren't willing to accept this possible outcome

 

You think you love her? Ha. You possess her. That's all. If you love her be happy for the person you helped her become.

 

 

 

 

What you just said. We're older so it was unique for us. And for her? It was not. That's what makes me angry. I gave my very best and it amounted to almost nothing. And now somebody else is already hogging my "carefully built" girlfriend/relationship with all its positive comings. I made her train, so she will have a good body, brought her to wellness every week so she can be in shape. Taught her many things in terms of relationship and expectations. I was her very core in supporting her hobby, her dreams, against all the people.

 

She was a fat, non-social and she sucked at her hobby. I helped every way I could, ordered things from the net, payed it for her, talked with the sellers, helped her at the meetings, listened to her when no one cared about her, played with her when nobody wanted to. I could go on forever.

 

And now? She reached that stage. She's famous, she looks so good that others compliments her, she's at the top of the pyramid considering her hobby, she got a job (you can't imagine how much she wanted a job and I helped her searching and giving tips always), people wants to befriend her.

 

And I got "tossed aside" with "I don't love you anymore." I got totally used. Now this brings one question or more like a realization. I'll never be able to trust a woman again, for fearing she will use me. She tore my very foundation for future relationships apart, which will take years for me to rebuild within myself, while she enjoys her fame and new friends and bf.

 

It feels **** that all the work you have done so she could reach this stage...and you will enjoy none of its fruits. Would I be grateful if I had the chance for something like this again?

 

Never in the burning ****ing pits of hell again. I make mistakes, everyone does. One time was enough for me.

[number122]

You kinda misunderstood me. I don't possess her, never thought about it. Never even felt that way about it. I didn't mold her "into my own liking". I simply supported her in her own wishes. She wanted a good looking body, she wanted to be good with her hobby, she wanted to be famous, she wanted to be able to socialize. Etc etc.

 

I just helped her achieve this. By any means, no, I didn't "built her". By that sentence I meant, that I always took careful steps, sometimes by listening carefully while she cried, sometimes telling her that she stepped out of her line, when she said something nasty to me.

 

I'm simply angry that the "when she'll finally reach her dream" part is not spent with me. I endured the hard times and pulled her over it and now I don't get to enjoy "my hard work". And that my "trust for women" is totally gone right now.

 

And women has a more mature mind, and in our country ppl counts as adult above 18...soo.

 

And btw, I sound like a lonely guy who's got totally used and had his heart broken into tiny pieces for he truly loved a girl..who was not worthy of it. How can I be happy for her? How can you be happy for a person who just used you, and when he/she didn't need you anymore threw you out, just like that? Answer me that question please.

[oracle]

We all use people to an extent, they satisfy specific needs we have at a specific time.

 

You obviously didn't feel like you were being used at the time and you stayed for two years.

 

You had needs being met.

 

You are seeing this all one sided.... And I understand that. I understand the hurt and the sadness and anger.. you have no idea.

 

I am not trying to be mean or be an ass. IF you have read any of my writing you will understand that my goal is to get people to really really step outside of themselves and the experience.. To analyze it not always from the pit of emotion, to look at what positives there were and negatives there were. And then determine what you would do again and what you wouldn't and why. Then to try and live by that.

 

That my friend is learning and evolving... That will help keep you from repeating history over.

 

You are caught up in the hopelessness of the moment. I know it seems like it is an eternity, that its going on forever. It improves slowly and one day you just are in a different place and it doesn't hold the same power over you that it once did.

 

You will be ok.

 

You will love again.

 

Be happy it happened NOW.. and not 10 years from now with kids involved.

 

You kinda misunderstood me. I don't possess her, never thought about it. Never even felt that way about it. I didn't mold her "into my own liking". I simply supported her in her own wishes. She wanted a good looking body, she wanted to be good with her hobby, she wanted to be famous, she wanted to be able to socialize. Etc etc.

 

I just helped her achieve this. By any means, no, I didn't "built her". By that sentence I meant, that I always took careful steps, sometimes by listening carefully while she cried, sometimes telling her that she stepped out of her line, when she said something nasty to me.

 

I'm simply angry that the "when she'll finally reach her dream" part is not spent with me. I endured the hard times and pulled her over it and now I don't get to enjoy "my hard work". And that my "trust for women" is totally gone right now.

 

And women has a more mature mind, and in our country ppl counts as adult above 18...soo.

 

And btw, I sound like a lonely guy who's got totally used and had his heart broken into tiny pieces for he truly loved a girl..who was not worthy of it. How can I be happy for her? How can you be happy for a person who just used you, and when he/she didn't need you anymore threw you out, just like that? Answer me that question please.

[number122]

I hope you are right. (and I would have been happier if it would have happened when I was 19 yo, not 26 working alone in a different country..)

 

When this will be over, I'll write again here hopefully saying "you were right! it is better now!".

 

I'm off to reinvent and rebuild myself.

[oracle]

26 is a lot better than 36 or 46 or 56.

 

There is no ideal time or situation for heartache to occur.

 

Being alone and in a different country is perhaps a positive. It could be the catalyst to great new things for yourself.

 

Trust me..

 

I been doing the end game for 3 years while living with my ex. STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT for a minute.. That is 3 YEARS.. one year longer than your relationship... that I have been living POST relationship with my ex dealing with a complicated messy end, watching him move on and date while I try doing the same. Im not pulling this **** i write about outta my ass. I have lived it, and learned - the hard way.

 

 

I hope you are right. (and I would have been happier if it would have happened when I was 19 yo, not 26 working alone in a different country..)

 

When this will be over, I'll write again here hopefully saying "you were right! it is better now!".

 

I'm off to reinvent and rebuild myself.

[number122]

After half a year, I blocked my ex on fb. I took a final peek at her fb profile as I clicked the Block button. She was having fun, many people were commenting on her, talking to her as she was telling her first day at uni. She seems to be very happy with her new bf and her current life.

 

While in my case the girl I've spent a month with just told me after I invited her to a party that maybe she will go (meaning not), the other one (who is just a friend, we talked a lot, but we've only met once) also declined our planned Fridays photoshoot and last but not least, the girl who I slept with recently (and I found out that she had a bf...then she broke up with him..) just wrote me a message that she told it to her bf what happened and she's "not allowed to see me" anymore. (they are together again...bah..kids.. worst type..)

 

 

Not to mention that NONE of these girls are anywhere near at my ex level. I'm not putting her on a pedastal... or more like I'm just starting to realize that she was extremely rare and above these other "usual"/common girls... I'm just meeting the wrong type.. I dunno, I'm out of luck it seems.

 

I'm feeling bad and sad, even after six months, everything is the same... or not exactly.

 

I know I should be having fun too, I know I shouldn't expect approval of others etc etc. My view on life has changed drastically.

[Jord11]

I know how you feel, my ex broke up with me in January a week after my birthday, we were in a ld relationship also, 4 hours apart, I loved that girl with my heart we would laugh have fun I thought it was perfect spent Christmas together loved each others family, one night she told me she didint want to spend that much time together and more with her friends ( red flag) I knew something was up so one night I asked if we can face time, so we did and she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted to break up worst night of my life, a week after my birthday when she baught me a cake presents everything, still don't get it, I've been in nc for 6 months now deleted her off of facebook not one word! The pain is pretty much gone but I do miss her and I still have the odd dream I had a dream she was standing right in front of me smilling, it hurt but stay strong it hurts I know it does, if she wants to contact me she will, will I respond I'm not sure yet. Stay strong

[number122]

Although in my case deletion/blocking doesn't do much anyway.

I can still see her via others posting her/tagging her, and she's famous now so even I don't want to I'll still see pictures of her having fun with the other (famous) people.

 

It feels that by blocking her I just kicked myself in the nuts... No point whatsover and it only hurts.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Although in my case deletion/blocking doesn't do much anyway.

I can still see her via others posting her/tagging her, and she's famous now so even I don't want to I'll still see pictures of her having fun with the other (famous) people.

 

It feels that by blocking her I just kicked myself in the nuts... No point whatsover and it only hurts.

 

Then delete any and all social networks. They are pretty teen-ish anyways, and youre in your late 20's (as am I). I deleted everything I ever used, and I dont miss it. Social networks and cell phones are slowly killing all brain cells we have left.

[number122]

Then delete any and all social networks. They are pretty teen-ish anyways, and youre in your late 20's (as am I). I deleted everything I ever used, and I dont miss it. Social networks and cell phones are slowly killing all brain cells we have left.

 

I would do it, but I live alone abroad, not to mention my hobby links me these social sites whether I want it or not.

 

I'll try to limit this as much as I can, but nothing is worse than feeling lonely in a country which language you don't even speak...

[number122]

Got a question which is related to my ex a little bit.

 

So far I'm getting better, I deleted her from my life (except those little reoccuring things which I mentioned, tweets, untagged fb posts and such).

 

However sometimes friends/people I know just mention her when I'm talking with them. For example I'm playing an online game with a friend and he suddenly comments how good her hair looks or such (he still follows her). He should know that I've broken up with her and we don't speak anymore. (maybe even that I deleted her from my friends list on fb)

 

Same thing happened today, one of our mutual friends mentioned her, directly. How she planned such and such with other group (when I'm talking about fall for example).

 

These information doesn't have to do anything with me. Or with them at all. They just mention her and they clearly wait for my reaction.

 

Why do they do this I wonder? I doubt my ex asked them to do this to me, she doesn't seem to care anymore. Is this somekind of test?

 

I try to keep her away from my life, the best as I can, but damn. It's hard to do this with these constat "info bits".

[number122]

10 months have passed, many things changed, some not. I recently realized that I'm the type who's unable to forget the break-up so I changed my viewpoint from "forget and move on" to "bear the scar proudly and move on".

 

Ex contacted me on a simple note (she mischarged a paypal transaction and sent it to my account and she wrote a sorrry e-mail), heart skipped a few beats when I saw the sender, but I recovered quite fast. The e-mail was normal, a bit cold, like I was some stranger who she never met. Wrote a small "same type" of formal, a bit cold e-mail to her. Frankly I didn't care, which felt odd a bit.

 

Dating and meeting new people all-around also made me realize that I'll never be able to have same strong feelings again, simply because I'm afraid of breaking my heart like this once again. However I do look at this break-up as a positive milestone in my life right now. It still hurts, she's still inside my heart, but I know now that it was for the better. Forced me to change, forced me to look at myself and revalue everything. Another odd thing is that even after this, even after realizing that I'll never hold such strong feelings for anybody else in the future, I still think and believe that true happiness can only be achieved, when you share your life with someone.

[number122]

11 months later. Dated around several girls, met lot of new people, currently enjoying my hobby.

 

Healing is a lot easier since I removed her from my fb. I don't see her anymore, or to be precise I only see small comments on other fb posts she makes. Doesn't matter much. I've reached the point "I don't want to see her ever in my life, not that I hate her or anything like that, I just simply don't want to meet her again".

 

Sad thing is that after talking/dating/being with a lot of other girls I realized a terrible thing. Maybe I'm just out of luck I dunno, but these girls are awful. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that my ex was nowhere near perfect/goddess.

 

She was decent. Simple as that. She had her faults, her good points. Many things. A girl I could love, a girl I could share my time with. I've met so many...thrash women/girls that's it's unbelievable.

 

Why is it so hard to find a decent partner? I don't think my bar is too high or anything like that. I would rather be alone than to settle with someone who I can't even fall in love with...

[cavalier99]

Hey bro. That is awesome that your doing well!! What a journey huh!?

 

I remeber your original post from last year. Dont worry about a new gal. Enjoy being single without being torremented by thoughts of your EX.

 

HUUUUGEEE victory. Be proud. Youll meet someone soon enough so dont worry about it. Rock On! Cav

[number122]

Hey bro. That is awesome that your doing well!! What a journey huh!?

 

I remeber your original post from last year. Dont worry about a new gal. Enjoy being single without being torremented by thoughts of your EX.

 

HUUUUGEEE victory. Be proud. Youll meet someone soon enough so dont worry about it. Rock On! Cav

 

Not really a victory, still want to meet up with my ex to talk so we don't have any kind of bad blood between us. Oddly enough anybody who knows her more closely is ignoring me, even though we talked/met a few times. Like I ask a question (inviting to see a movie for example) and they just see the message and don't answer.

 

Her mother was always talking bad about his divorced husband, like ALWAYS, every week, along with blaming her and making her feel guilty that she "live off her". I'm thinking maybe she's doing the same. (like mother like daughter)

 

This is quite bad for me actually considering my hobby and my reputation. However I'm still a little bit afraid of meeting her, not to mention I don't want to see her anymore. (I will though at these huge meetings, I'm quite sure of that).

 

So these days I'm thinking what should I do. Meet up with her and talk things over or just stay NC and let her say things behind my back? Even if i meet up with her would that solve anything I wonder? Questions questions...

[number122]

As one would say "just my luck". Meaning I've met my ex at a recent event.

We exchanged a few words, small talk mainly. I still don't know whether this was a lucky thing or not.

 

Now, I could look at her, without any kind of heartache, longing or anything like that. In terms of that she was just another girl to me, a friend I know from old times.

 

However I realized I have a different feeling that I'm unable to comprehend/handle. Somehow I want her approval (?), of what I don't know, I just simply want that she would not look at me like a total stranger, like somebody she doesn't even know. A total nobody, someone she knows by face. I know that "why should she care at all?" There's no reason for her to care, nor any reason for me to care what she thinks about me.

 

And still. It disturbs me. She went on with her life, I did the same...and yet I still hang onto the thought of "don't treat me like some kind of stranger". It disturbs me that she doesn't consider me "someone who was/is close to me".

I wonder what I should I do with this feeling or how should I treat it.

Is it wrong to feel like this?