The MM is a JOKE.

[SidLyon]

...Look at all the posts here about men who go back to their W's - many who go through therapy - and yet these men never give it up. The vast majority of the time they come around fishing to the OW again.

 

...completely deceive the person they are supposed to love and respect the most... for weeks or months or even years on end?

 

How do spouses ever take these guys back and believe in them again, especially when D-day is what drove them to "reconcile" and go to therapy so they wouldn't lose their lives? As far as I'm concerned, that is hypocrisy... BS's who take back their philandering spouses - I guess because the WS was contrite and sorry (of course they were - it was D-day and they were going to lose their safe life!) who still post here attacking OW. And I have seen lots of that. Many BS's here are wonderful and incredible... supportive and really know how to word things and give all perspectives. But many (especially the past few months, for some reason) have a ton of repressed pain and resentment that just oozes from every post they make on this forum. It's very easy to tell the difference.

 

....

 

I'm a BS who posts on this forum. My H was unfaithful for several years during our marriage. We had a d-day more than 4 years ago and are now going strong. We had a lot of therapy.

 

I knew my H had cheated on another g/f (A) before we got together. I now know that he claimed to be single with the OW (B) in that situation, although I never knew this before our d-day. Eventually he broke up with his g/f (A) and the OW (B) became his new g/f (B). When he and I got together he told me he had split up with the new g/f (B). I never doubted him about this until after d-day. He assures me they were split up when he and I started but it was so long ago that it's impossible for me to check.

 

So yes I knew some of his history before we married. I had also cheated previously (not on him or with him and I was never an OW) and made a decision that I would not repeat this, and I didn't. This was in my early 20s and I'm now in my mid 50s.

 

Once we were married I knew I wouldn't cheat and I assumed he wouldn't cheat on me. I trusted him.

 

Now we are reconciled and again I trust him although this time I really do know what he is capable of. I actually feel that while he is genuine in his desire to remain married and faithful, certain stresses in his life might cause him to go back to the old behavior. It's not a comfortable or secure feeling for me, but I've decided that's a price I pay for what I want.

 

If the price gets too high then I guess I don't feel as much of an obligation to stay as I might have before.

 

We do love each other; at least I love him and he says and demonstrates love for me. I wouldn't even consider staying together if there was no love as I can't envisage staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of ******** (kids, house, money - fill in your own blank). We are both capable of being financially independent so finances are not an issue. Fortunately we are wealthy by most people's standards. (Not saying this to brag but house/possessions/income/finances are just never going to be an issue for us if we part).

 

Of course he may be lying. Maybe he doesn't love me at all and is just saying it. Could I tell if he was lying about this? I don't know, it certainly feels truthful now and I'm not getting that nagging gut feeling. If he is lying then I don't quite understand why as it would presumably mean he was staying in a loveless and emotionally unfulfilling relationship by choice - for what reason I can't imagine as he had the OW there at d-day, single, widowed, waiting for him, wanting him to leave and him apparently loving her forever. This is something I'll never understand.

 

I don't intend to give him another chance though if he is unfaithful again, as I can't put myself through this again.

[Got it]

I'm struggling with this. A man who KNOWS clearly, as they are MARRIED, that ultimately women all desire the same thing.. Would KNOWINGLY screw with another person's mind, ie the OW?? Or wait.. The OW 'seduced' ' The poor bloke.

 

And yet, forgive me, this is just a 'temporary' character flaw that can be corrected through therapy and rerouting their responsibilities to their wives.

 

You know what? I think they all are selfish p.ricks. Even if the they've been 'reformed'..

 

First off, I would caution you on the assumption that "all women desire the same thing". I don't believe that statement is true. As a woman I know that I do not have the same aspirations as my friends in all areas and in some, including in romantic relationships.

 

But I do agree that if one clearly stated what they desired or expected, and they were mislead then yes that is a definite cause for anger.

 

I understand your anger towards him, vent away!

 

I have found throwing something breakable in a safe area has great sound effects and allows you to dispel some energy that I know is bubbling inside you. Find a safe place, grab some old plates, glasses, etc. and start throwing and yelling. Trust me, you will feel a little better afterwards.

[Got it]

I understand that LG and I hope you know how much I think of you -- and respect you -- too.

 

I am not saying that A's are not morality issues. I am simply saying that it would be nice if people could have a safe place to post (like in this thread, where the OP clearly said it was an anger rant and please let her do so) without hearing lectures in such a thread. That's all I meant.

 

I also hope you don't think that I discount the BS side of things. I very much never want to do that.

 

I think the OW forum should be that safe place to just be able to vent sometimes with people who are in that position and understand. But it just isn't. Look at the posts on this board... most are from BS's.

 

It seems to me that the Infidelity board has that safe place for them, without the unwanted unsolicited advice all the time, but we don't.

 

Thank you Tenacity. I think some very excellent points.

[seren]

For what it's worth, it doesn't matter what label you (general) have in the whole A circus, being told one thing and finding out it really meant another is hurtful, makes you feel rejected and doubting if any of it meant anything and it hurts - which is such a small word for such a huge feeling.

 

I think that it really doesn't matter what the situation was that caused the hurt, the hurt still makes you (general) feel duped and question yourself and being angry is a good feeling, just as long as it had an end, being angry for too long is dammed exhausting. Sounds like Promises is trying to process the WTF stage and questioning why someone can say one thing, be believed and then do something else entirely, which is not so very different from how many BS feel too. Does it really matter whether it was knowingly, or enabling or any of those things?

 

Promises, you will go around and around trying to understand the MM's thoughts, actions, words and whether he meant what he said and whatever the outcome, I hope you get to a stage when it really doesn't matter how he or they deal with things and that you find, if not the answers, then get to feel indifference. I also think that venting is good and LS should be a place we can all vent away. I agree with the smashing china thing, I went through a whole dinner service and some, in one pretty spectacular angry event.

[promises]

Tenacity, I appreciate your candor and support. The original topic of the thread was exactly as you stated. Demonstrating that some MM will do anything to save their a*ses and their cookie-cutter lives.

 

For those who've demonstrated hostility and morality far beyond what they believe I or the OW here have demonstrated - I find it interesting that many find such fault in the OW and throw the morality card as if one sin is greater than another.

 

*as if one sin is greater than another. Think about that.

 

I have a right to be upset. I have a right to be angry. I am not here to speak to the BS feelings, the MM's feelings, or whatever else acronym describes everyone included in this human mess of emotion and betrayal.

 

No one wins here. It doesn't do any good to slam me or anyone else into a fence because you haven't taken a good hard look at your own peace and sanity and how you will best get there to be free of this pain, whichever area of the triangle you fall.

 

For me- I vent, I am honest in my emotions, and I talk about them to try to understand them and to come to a place of peace in the end. I ask questions about things I don't understand and pray for the things I have no control over.

 

In the mean time- someone hurt me. Told me he loved me, wanted to hold me, and be with me. Told me many things. After d-day, I was but thorn in the side of the entire f*ing community and lost my World because of it. MY entire life changed and I CAN BE P*SSED. I don't need a lecture at a time like this.

 

I can think of him in the light that I do. It'll pass and anger won't last.

 

I caution you, those standing in judgement of me, that someone you love may someday be just like me. Maybe it's your sister, your daughter, or your friend. I dare you judge them just the same.

[Got it]

promises, I am sorry for some of the posts you have received. I have not found this to be the most friendly of OW boards. My best advice is use the ignore button. I have found that the premise here is definitely the OP is in the wrong. Period.

 

From my experience, I did not post here much at all during my EMR. It wasn't until after the divorce did I come back here to post. As an active OW this wasn't the place that I felt was best suited to serve my needs. Now that we are both divorced, I am not in the same emotional state.

 

(((((promises))))))

[Lostinlife4now]

Tenacity, I appreciate your candor and support. The original topic of the thread was exactly as you stated. Demonstrating that some MM will do anything to save their a*ses and their cookie-cutter lives.

 

For those who've demonstrated hostility and morality far beyond what they believe I or the OW here have demonstrated - I find it interesting that many find such fault in the OW and throw the morality card as if one sin is greater than another.

 

*as if one sin is greater than another. Think about that.

 

I have a right to be upset. I have a right to be angry. I am not here to speak to the BS feelings, the MM's feelings, or whatever else acronym describes everyone included in this human mess of emotion and betrayal.

 

No one wins here. It doesn't do any good to slam me or anyone else into a fence because you haven't taken a good hard look at your own peace and sanity and how you will best get there to be free of this pain, whichever area of the triangle you fall.

 

For me- I vent, I am honest in my emotions, and I talk about them to try to understand them and to come to a place of peace in the end. I ask questions about things I don't understand and pray for the things I have no control over.

 

In the mean time- someone hurt me. Told me he loved me, wanted to hold me, and be with me. Told me many things. After d-day, I was but thorn in the side of the entire f*ing community and lost my World because of it. MY entire life changed and I CAN BE P*SSED. I don't need a lecture at a time like this.

 

I can think of him in the light that I do. It'll pass and anger won't last.

 

I caution you, those standing in judgement of me, that someone you love may someday be just like me. Maybe it's your sister, your daughter, or your friend. I dare you judge them just the same.

 

 

Hi Promises!

 

Just follow me here....sometimes when I write my mind goes blank or all over the place so if this is rambling or doesn't make sense please let me know!

 

Here goes...YES you have the right to be angry! My question always was to xMM, how can you be in a R (8) years and BE and DO what we did together and then go back into your marriage? (I broke it off, couldn't deal anymore). I WAS ANGRY! Till this day, 2 years later I still have this little spark inside my stomach to LAUGH at him and call him a JOKE! Was I played "A FOOL"? Even though I knew he was married...yeah I know...got that...BUT what we had was GOOD! "It took A Woman to Let the Man be a Man"! We taught each other ALOT.

 

He told me his Thanksgiving was EXCELLENT and my blood started to BOIL!:mad: How can you have a an Excellent Holiday with your W when you told me ALL THE TIME that you feel nothing for her? I just don't get it!

 

So yes, even after all this time I still get "bitchy" about it. BUT I have moved on from the R 99.9%, (Don't have an OUNCE of Respect for him) but that little .1% is reserved for me (my Hurt and Anger) still like to bust his balls from time to time, I find it entertaining......

 

But the Anger will Pass! WITH TIME..... When you get to the Indifference Stage you know you will have made it. And Life is GOOD again.

 

and Pray..........................................................

[Decorative]

I do judge the same.

 

The people I know who have cheated or been an other person - I have judged them all the same. Even those that are related to me.

 

Their relationship to me doesn't matter, because the behavior is still wrong.

 

It's not "less" wrong because I know them personally

 

actually ? The more I think about this- I probably judge those I actually know in real life even more harshly than Internet peeps- because I can see more of the full picture, and see more of the damage they chose to inflict.

[promises]

I do judge the same.

 

The people I know who have cheated or been an other person - I have judged them all the same. Even those that are related to me.

 

Their relationship to me doesn't matter, because the behavior is still wrong.

 

It's not "less" wrong because I know them personally

 

actually ? The more I think about this- I probably judge those I actually know in real life even more harshly than Internet peeps- because I can see more of the full picture, and see more of the damage they chose to inflict.

 

I'm talking about sin in general.

[nofool4u]

If I was a religious person, which I am not, I would sins differently.

 

I hold, for example, the sin of adultery and hurting other people who did nothing to deserve it at a higher level than say the sin of, for example, a simple impure thought.

 

The former involves someone other than yourself. The latter is something everyone has done at least once in their lifetime. Not so with cheating and helping people cheat.

[Decorative]

I'm talking about sin in general.

 

So am I.

 

I am not religious, so I use sin as a concept of harming other people.

 

And I do judge those who harm others. Even if, and probably especially if, I know them personally.

[beenburned]

I do feel their are many different types of cheaters. Some are much worse than others.

 

Some are just attracted to another person to the point they do something that is against their morals/values. Then feel much guilt and try to reform. Saying that someone can not change is not correct. There are many former cheaters here that learned from their mistakes.

 

However, there are many predatory types of MM/MW that will do or say anything to get what they want.(at the expense of another person) Most people like this have serious internal issues or either serious addictions that need to be addressed. These types of people usually do not want to change or better themselves. They are happy being a professional con artist. And yes, they are the ultimate example of selfishness, as no one matters except for them.

[Got it]

Promises, my BEST advice to you is to IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE, those that threadjack your thread. There is an ignore button you can use to help with that and steer things back on track.

 

Sorry to say, the price one pays to post here.

 

How are you doing? How are you feeling today? Take it one day at a time. What have you done today to celebrate and focus on you?

[promises]

Promises, my BEST advice to you is to IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE, those that threadjack your thread. There is an ignore button you can use to help with that and steer things back on track.

 

Sorry to say, the price one pays to post here.

 

How are you doing? How are you feeling today? Take it one day at a time. What have you done today to celebrate and focus on you?

 

Thanks, Got it.

 

I did a yoga class, made plans with some friends. Ate some yummy greens.

Cried. Only once. Nearly responded to him. Didn't.