Anyone with experience out there?

[lostinlovex2]

I'm looking to hear from anyone who has been in a situation where they were in an affair and the MM left his wife for you (no children involved). In my current situation, my MM has left, gotten his own place, set up his own accounts, etc. and is filing for divorce after the new year. Friends and family all know about us and the impending divorce, so I'm not doubtful that it is going to happen, I'm just curious about what to expect from here. I realize that right now, as I'm already feeling the effects of being the OW from friends, that it might only get worse once we are publicly acknowledged as a couple. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[18Years2Late]

I'm looking to hear from anyone who has been in a situation where they were in an affair and the MM left his wife for you (no children involved). In my current situation, my MM has left, gotten his own place, set up his own accounts, etc. and is filing for divorce after the new year. Friends and family all know about us and the impending divorce, so I'm not doubtful that it is going to happen, I'm just curious about what to expect from here. I realize that right now, as I'm already feeling the effects of being the OW from friends, that it might only get worse once we are publicly acknowledged as a couple. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

Read my backstory and tread carefully...my xMOM's wife moved out...they got separate accounts and everyone knew about us...they were 6 months into an ALREADY filed D...filed by his W...and over night 1st week of this month he threw me out like yesterday's trash to try to "get his family back like it was 3 years ago"...and he waited til after my D was filed and well on its way...

 

There no crystal ball to see if urs might work out...it might not...maybe it will...just expect the worst and hope for the best...most here on LS it didn't work out...that's why we're here...but that's not a scientific sample including those who it did work out and they're happily together...

 

The one thing that concerns me in ur story is the "divorce will be filed after the 1st of the year"...don't be so sure...why wait?...who's gonna file?...have they retained an attorney...

 

I would tell him to come find u when the ink is dry...it's going to b a long road and he won't b very much fun to b around right now anyway...he'll be a roller coaster of emotions and he'll take it out on u and it will make u feel bad bc u ferl like u can't "make I'm happy...I've experienced that...

Edited December 21, 2012 by 18Years2Late

[lostinlovex2]

The one thing that concerns me in ur story is the "divorce will be filed after the 1st of the year"...don't be so sure...why wait?...who's gonna file?...have they retained an attorney...

 

I would tell him to come find u when the ink is dry...

 

He went home to his parents house for the holidays, she stayed in town with her family which is why it's after the new year (or so he tells me). It's obvious that she will not be the one to file. She is VERY MUCH against them getting divorced, she still wants to work it out and he says he isn't interested. He had to move all her things out of the house himself because she refused. She now has an apt full of things that she won't go to (she's living at her parents now) because she "isn't ready." I was there last night, and their house is very much void of her things, their photos, etc. so I think he's pushing it, I just don't think she's accepting of it.

 

I've tried to tell him to call me when the divorce is final, but I'm SO vulnerable when it comes to him it's impossible for me to say no (I know, that sounds awful and I should be stronger) when he gets in touch after a few days of NC. I'm so over all the bull**** and I just want to move forward, I just can't seem to give up hope on us for some reason. Call me crazy...

[jwi71]

He went home to his parents house for the holidays, she stayed in town with her family which is why it's after the new year (or so he tells me). It's obvious that she will not be the one to file. She is VERY MUCH against them getting divorced, she still wants to work it out and he says he isn't interested. He had to move all her things out of the house himself because she refused. She now has an apt full of things that she won't go to (she's living at her parents now) because she "isn't ready." I was there last night, and their house is very much void of her things, their photos, etc. so I think he's pushing it, I just don't think she's accepting of it.

 

I've tried to tell him to call me when the divorce is final, but I'm SO vulnerable when it comes to him it's impossible for me to say no (I know, that sounds awful and I should be stronger) when he gets in touch after a few days of NC. I'm so over all the bull**** and I just want to move forward, I just can't seem to give up hope on us for some reason. Call me crazy...

 

So why hasn't he filed?

 

How many months or weeks ago did he "move out" and "setup his accounts"?

 

Why couldn't he have filed then?

 

I'm not sure I understand, given this thread, what he GAINS from delaying his filing.

 

I think that's the most important Q for you.

 

And, I might add, a perfectly legitimate one to ask.

[lostinlovex2]

So why hasn't he filed?

 

How many months or weeks ago did he "move out" and "setup his accounts"?

 

Why couldn't he have filed then?

 

 

It's been 5 weeks since he moved out, 3 since he set up his own account. I'm under the impression that he is trying to get her to be somewhat agreeable to his terms about this split (which is doubtful). They hadn't planned on hiring a lawyer because there is no real estate or children involved, just "belongings" like furniture, kitchen items, etc. They could possibly be fighting over income; she's a teacher and can't support herself, however the spousal support laws in our state don't stand to let her get anything from him. He has told me that when he returns from his vacation, if she doesn't agree to his terms he'll "bite the bullet" and have her served, which is worst case scenario in my opinion.

 

I just don't know what to expect next...

[jwi71]

It's been 5 weeks since he moved out, 3 since he set up his own account. I'm under the impression that he is trying to get her to be somewhat agreeable to his terms about this split (which is doubtful). They hadn't planned on hiring a lawyer because there is no real estate or children involved, just "belongings" like furniture, kitchen items, etc. They could possibly be fighting over income; she's a teacher and can't support herself, however the spousal support laws in our state don't stand to let her get anything from him. He has told me that when he returns from his vacation, if she doesn't agree to his terms he'll "bite the bullet" and have her served, which is worst case scenario in my opinion.

 

I just don't know what to expect next...

 

I can see that.

 

He's trying to make this as painless as possible.

 

Futile really - especially since his W doesn't want the D.

 

What happens next? The world ends - its the 21st...Maya doomsday and all.

 

Seriously, what happens next is largely out of your control.

 

No, wait, that's not right. Its your life and TOTALLY in your control.

 

What you can't control is your MM's behavior. Or his W's. Or anyone's really.

 

My advice...give him the time - I can see his point and understand his reasons. Uh, give him the time ALONE. No need to involve yourself with this especially as your presence is likely to exacerbate things. Back off a bit. Enjoy YOUR life and YOUR friends and YOUR family.

 

I'd also draw a line in the sand. A drop dead date. How long, given all you write and know, does he REASONABLY need to be "nice"?

 

There is NOTHING for them to fight over, no alimony per your state's laws, no assets, no kids...I'm not sure there are ANY sticking points aside from him trying to be nice to her.

[buckeyeblue]

Let's see - your MM dumped his wife during the holidays, moved her belongings out of their house against her wishes, and is demanding that she agree to his terms in a divorce she does not want. All of this while cheating and lying to her. He sounds like a real catch! Well, as long as you're happy.............

[Kelemvor]

I'm sorry but your situation sounds like a real mess. Do yourself and him both a favor and distance yourself until the divorce is finalized. He'll divorce when he's good and ready and if he's never ready... then he won't. Personally, I don't believe in happy endings with the OM/OW, but I know it seems to work out for many people. That being said, the last thing you want is him looking back on a divorce situation and having any regrets or second guesses and feeling as if he was persuaded or pressured by you in any way whatsoever. If that breeds resentment later on in your relationship, it's a type of resentment that you have no hope against.

[cocorico]

I'm looking to hear from anyone who has been in a situation where they were in an affair and the MM left his wife for you (no children involved). In my current situation, my MM has left, gotten his own place, set up his own accounts, etc. and is filing for divorce after the new year. Friends and family all know about us and the impending divorce, so I'm not doubtful that it is going to happen, I'm just curious about what to expect from here. I realize that right now, as I'm already feeling the effects of being the OW from friends, that it might only get worse once we are publicly acknowledged as a couple. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

In our case, there were kids involved but perhaps there may still be common ground. You describe him as having separated from her, without formally filing for D because he had hopes of achieving some degree of amicability. Yet she does not want the D, so is unlikely to agree to his terms.

 

My H's xW was similarly opposed to the D, and did her damnedest to derail it, to delay it and to make it as unpleasant as she possibly could. But ultimately, she could not prevent it going ahead. If your BF's S2BXW is anything similar, you can expect the following:

 

* If there are forms she needs to sign and return, she won't.

* If the courts require information from her - regarding income, assets, etc - she won't provide it until forced to do so.

* If he makes an offer of a generous settlement, she will reject it and demand something entirely unreasonable.

* She will try to manipulate him, through begging, threats, guilt-trips or pressure.

* She will try to seduce him, to "rekindle his love for her".

* She will rewrite marital history completely to try to convince him that he really can only be happy with her.

* She will try to undermine your R with him, will spread malicious rumours about you, will tell him spiteful things about you to try to convince him you are just using him.

* She will try to manipulate his family, his friends, his colleagues, and anyone else she can, to put pressure on him to take her back.

* She will pull some kind of stunt to get his attention and his sympathy. Expect a health scare, a suicide attempt, a nervous breakdown or something equally sensational.

[lifeexperience]

I just wanted to say a little something here. I was just browsing a bunch of the forums and came across your story. I just want to throw my perspective of why he may be waiting to file. I am in his shoes in a way so will just throw my story out there.

 

I have decided to to divorce my husband. We have been separated for almost 2 months now but with the agreement we will talk and decide where we both want to go. He comes back tomorrow so I guess we will sit down and have that talk. However, I know I will be the one to file since it is me with the problems but I will not file until after the first of the year. I personally wanted to do it because to me it will be a fresh start to a fresh year and I wanted everyone to be able to enjoy the holidays as much as possible without dealing with courts and such. We are also going to try to do it without a lawyer since there's no children and not a lot of property. But, I personally felt it was best to just wait till the new year. I do have about 5 friends that I have told and talked to about it so they do know. There is no rush for anyone to go file IMO. They have to do it at their own speed which is what it sounds like your MM is doing especially since it sounds like he wants to be cordial with her. But, if he doesn't file by the first of February then I'd really be wondering if he was ever going to. Hope everything works out for you!!!!

[ThatJustHappened]

In our case, there were kids involved but perhaps there may still be common ground. You describe him as having separated from her, without formally filing for D because he had hopes of achieving some degree of amicability. Yet she does not want the D, so is unlikely to agree to his terms.

 

My H's xW was similarly opposed to the D, and did her damnedest to derail it, to delay it and to make it as unpleasant as she possibly could. But ultimately, she could not prevent it going ahead. If your BF's S2BXW is anything similar, you can expect the following:

 

* If there are forms she needs to sign and return, she won't.

* If the courts require information from her - regarding income, assets, etc - she won't provide it until forced to do so.

* If he makes an offer of a generous settlement, she will reject it and demand something entirely unreasonable.

* She will try to manipulate him, through begging, threats, guilt-trips or pressure.

* She will try to seduce him, to "rekindle his love for her".

* She will rewrite marital history completely to try to convince him that he really can only be happy with her.

* She will try to undermine your R with him, will spread malicious rumours about you, will tell him spiteful things about you to try to convince him you are just using him.

* She will try to manipulate his family, his friends, his colleagues, and anyone else she can, to put pressure on him to take her back.

* She will pull some kind of stunt to get his attention and his sympathy. Expect a health scare, a suicide attempt, a nervous breakdown or something equally sensational.

 

Um..duh. She just had her heart broken..of course she's going to try anything she can to get her man back. That's true with any break up where one party doesn't want it to happen. And it's worse in cases where the husband cheated and is leaving for the other cheater..she got dumped AND she took a massive blow to her self esteem and now you're cruelly trying to make all of the betrayed spouses out to be the evil ones. You are ice cold.

[18Years2Late]

Um..duh. She just had her heart broken..of course she's going to try anything she can to get her man back. That's true with any break up where one party doesn't want it to happen. And it's worse in cases where the husband cheated and is leaving for the other cheater..she got dumped AND she took a massive blow to her self esteem and now you're cruelly trying to make all of the betrayed spouses out to be the evil ones. You are ice cold.

 

She never said ALL...she said HERS...

[Anna101]

My MM (now partner) left his wife. There were kids involved, however..

 

Just expect it to be HORRIBLE. It may not be, but for me it was the absolute hardest part being with him and going through the divorce part. There are delays, frustration, emotional issues, money worries etc.

 

It does pass, but it will take a lot of time for everyone to heal.