BF spent $50 bucks on me last year

[beachgirll2011]

Hey everyone. I have been with my b/f for 2 1/2 years. He moved in June of this year. He only pays half the rent. I pay the heat, electric, food and cable. I was making more than him until I was laid off in May. Anyway, he makes about $600 per week. Last Christmas I spent about $550 total on him and his 9 year old son. He spent about $120. The next day was my birthday and he spent $0. Yup nothing. He said he was taking me away and never did.

So now we are on year two and I am starting to resent him and have considered moving out. I am waiting to see if he changes how selfish he is. He still does not chip in for anything. If I say anything he will say, I will give you money if you want me to. I always tell him he should just do it not say that. I always decline to take it. I am no longer nice to him like I used to be. It is sad. Anyway, I want to get everyone's opinion on what a guy should do for their girlfriend on Christmas/B-Day? If he is spending almost nothing that is a bad sign correct in my eyes. I know it is the thought that counts but it bothers me. This year of course I will be buying for his son again and he wants to buy joint gifts with me for his 6 nieces and nephews, mom and dad and sister. I got nothing from any of them last year. This summer I spent $120 on season passes to an amusement park for some of the kids. I don't know what to do.

[TigerCub]

Why didn't you and him agree on the fact that you both are supposed to split the rent and the rest of the bills for the house in 1/2 before living together?

 

You shouldn't be putting in more than him if he's working and making money.

 

Now - him asking you to pay for 1/2 the gifts for him family is complete bull**** if he's not doing the same for yours.

 

I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where I'd keep a tally of what my bf spends and what I spend and we'd fight like "oh, I paid for this last time, this time you get it" - I much prefer to be where there really is no difference - but that can only happen if both people are of that mentality and no one is freeloading.

 

So if you don't like it - simple: tell him what you expect of him and don't pay towards his family. I don't think you should if he can't be bothered to even pay his fair share of the bills of the house.

 

I'm really curious -why didn't you guys discuss how things would be like living together before you moved in together?

[Els]

Does he make any sort of effort for you that does not involve money? Cards, little thoughtful gestures, cooking, cleaning, etc?

[KraftDinner]

Who cares what he spends on presents? He should be chipping in more for bills.

 

He asks you to chip in for his fam but won't for yours? What is wrong with this guy.

[jwi71]

Hey everyone. I have been with my b/f for 2 1/2 years. He moved in June of this year. He only pays half the rent. I pay the heat, electric, food and cable. I was making more than him until I was laid off in May. Anyway, he makes about $600 per week. Last Christmas I spent about $550 total on him and his 9 year old son. He spent about $120. The next day was my birthday and he spent $0. Yup nothing. He said he was taking me away and never did.

So now we are on year two and I am starting to resent him and have considered moving out. I am waiting to see if he changes how selfish he is. He still does not chip in for anything. If I say anything he will say, I will give you money if you want me to. I always tell him he should just do it not say that. I always decline to take it. I am no longer nice to him like I used to be. It is sad. Anyway, I want to get everyone's opinion on what a guy should do for their girlfriend on Christmas/B-Day? If he is spending almost nothing that is a bad sign correct in my eyes. I know it is the thought that counts but it bothers me. This year of course I will be buying for his son again and he wants to buy joint gifts with me for his 6 nieces and nephews, mom and dad and sister. I got nothing from any of them last year. This summer I spent $120 on season passes to an amusement park for some of the kids. I don't know what to do.

 

You can't hold it against him if you refuse to take it - yet you do. That's not very fair, why WOULDN'T you accept it?

 

In any case, this R is done as you are already keeping score.

 

Cut your losses, break up and move on. Its just a matter of time.

 

Next time, find a guy who has the $$$$ to keep you happy.

[beachgirll2011]

We did discuss the bills before he moved in and since I was making a lot more I felt it was appropriate to pay more...just seemed fair. And I have had no issues until about 3 months ago because I am still not working and he still has not offered to chip in. I won't ask. He should know better. That is why I feel that doing something nice for me for Christmas and my birthday would be a nice gesture. I have done so much for him and his son the past 2 1/2 years. Money doesn't matter but when you are not doing anything else it kind of does in my eyes. I agree with the freeloading comment...my friends have said that as well. No he does not chip in with anything. He feels because I am not working I should cook and stuff. He was in for a rude awakening a few weeks ago when I stopped food shopping. I guess my question is what does everyone else's b/f or s/o do for the holidays? I am just wondering if I am expecting too much?

[beachgirll2011]

Spending just $120 bucks is selfish right? And nothing for my b-day at all.

[Els]

If he isn't splitting fairly AND he isn't chipping in with the housework, the real question in my head is: Why did it have to take a friggin' Christmas present for you to realize that this is wrong?? Presents are a fairly trivial thing compared to the daily selfishness that you're describing.

[TigerCub]

Spending just $120 bucks is selfish right? And nothing for my b-day at all.

 

 

spending $120 isn't selfish.

The guy has a kid - I'm sure most of his money goes towards that.

 

If someone bought me a gift and it was $120, I wouldn't bitch. I'd be happy that they put in the effort and wanted to get me something.

 

Who cares what the price is.

 

so lets say that on the next gift he gets you something worth $5000 would you be returning that? If your answer is 'No' - would that make you selfish if you only ended up spending $200 on his gift?

 

You have a right to be upset with him - but you're focusing on the wrong thing to be upset about.

I think that the whole notion that he doesn't want to help you (when you're out of a job) like you helped him is the greater problem, not if he gets you a gift worth more than $120.

[jwi71]

Spending just $120 bucks is selfish right? And nothing for my b-day at all.

 

Complaining about 120.00 makes you sound entitled, insecure and jealous of his 9 year old son.

 

Again, you are keeping score and comparing yourself to his son.

 

A healthy R is give and take over time...not nit-picking over his son's gift and your lack of one - especially with tight finances.

 

Dump him and find a guy who can meet your acceptable cost of a gift level.

[pteromom]

The gift amount isn't the issue. If he spent $120 on 2 video games he wanted for the PS3 and said "here's your gift", that would be selfish. But if he spent $120 on something he knew you'd love, then no, it's not selfish.

 

Everyone is different regarding how they value gifts and gift-giving.

 

I think his not chipping in on bills is a much bigger issue. If you make more, you should pay in more, but you guys should each be contributing the same % of your income to the household.

[NYC-BigKat]

We did discuss the bills before he moved in and since I was making a lot more I felt it was appropriate to pay more...just seemed fair. And I have had no issues until about 3 months ago because I am still not working and he still has not offered to chip in. I won't ask. He should know better. That is why I feel that doing something nice for me for Christmas and my birthday would be a nice gesture. I have done so much for him and his son the past 2 1/2 years. Money doesn't matter but when you are not doing anything else it kind of does in my eyes. I agree with the freeloading comment...my friends have said that as well. No he does not chip in with anything. He feels because I am not working I should cook and stuff. He was in for a rude awakening a few weeks ago when I stopped food shopping. I guess my question is what does everyone else's b/f or s/o do for the holidays? I am just wondering if I am expecting too much?

 

Um...not sure why your bf wont pay for anything at all. Maybe he's broke? And why did u lose your job? Cant u find another one?

[Kelemvor]

Hey everyone. I have been with my b/f for 2 1/2 years. He moved in June of this year. He only pays half the rent. I pay the heat, electric, food and cable. I was making more than him until I was laid off in May. Anyway, he makes about $600 per week. Last Christmas I spent about $550 total on him and his 9 year old son. He spent about $120. The next day was my birthday and he spent $0. Yup nothing. He said he was taking me away and never did.

So now we are on year two and I am starting to resent him and have considered moving out. I am waiting to see if he changes how selfish he is. He still does not chip in for anything. If I say anything he will say, I will give you money if you want me to. I always tell him he should just do it not say that. I always decline to take it. I am no longer nice to him like I used to be. It is sad. Anyway, I want to get everyone's opinion on what a guy should do for their girlfriend on Christmas/B-Day? If he is spending almost nothing that is a bad sign correct in my eyes. I know it is the thought that counts but it bothers me. This year of course I will be buying for his son again and he wants to buy joint gifts with me for his 6 nieces and nephews, mom and dad and sister. I got nothing from any of them last year. This summer I spent $120 on season passes to an amusement park for some of the kids. I don't know what to do.

 

So, let me get this straight. You were laid off in may, can no longer provide a steady source of income, are living under the same roof with this guy, and I'm assuming he's paying to support the both of you along with his son, and you are upset that he's not spending much money on you this Christmas to the point that you would move out? Really? You're keeping tabs on how much he spends on you every year? Good grief.

[Kelemvor]

What a great idea... kick him out. Who's going to pay the rent and bills at that point Einstein?

 

Look, having a birthday, the DAY after Christmas is just cosmic bad luck.

 

I'm not implying that the guy is in the right, but anyone laid off, in this economy, relying on someone making $600/wk to support two adults and a child, yet is overly concerned about receiving $/gifts this holiday season needs a reality "check", no pun intended.

Edited December 22, 2012 by Kelemvor

[2sunny]

He's just cheap.

 

You can't change that in a person.

 

You either TELL HIM to pay more monthly that includes bills and food - or he moves.

 

Again, he's inherently cheap! If you're not willing to spell out what you expect - don't blame him for not doing more!

 

It's a loooong life whenYOU have to lead someone around by the nose - and be still disappointed because they don't care enough to open their wallet.

[Saba]

You need to ask for what you want and then take it when he gives it to you i.e the electric bill is $300 I need you to pay for that, can you withdraw the money and give it to me by friday? Then take the money pay the bill and move on.

 

You have let resentment build up over time. Give him a chance to do the right thing.

[musemaj11]

This guy is a jagoff simply because he takes yet refuses to give.

[standtall]

beachgirl..it sounds like gift giving is not exactly his number 1 love language. I mean the guy sounds cheap and all, but with most relationships, that is not really a deal breaker.

 

First, spending money on him and spending money on his son are 2 entirely separate issues....I would not put them together. Next, how did he react to the money spent on him? Did he want you to, or was he hesitant/embarrassed to accept the gifts? I am one of the believers that every relationship has 5 basic love languages...I learned that from a book, and also my relationship with my wife re-enforces it. The languages are acts of service, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time. People place higher values are different ones..there is a good chance that he doesn't value gift receiving which means he probably doesn't understand your desire for it. My wife is a terrible gift giver and receiver..she places no value whatsoever in it. It took me many years to figure that out. Now, I give her the love language that she values. There are no one size fits all solutions to relationships, but you case may be similar and it is worth looking into.

[Mount]

So many men/losers are taking advantage of women, being their "suger-mommy", I have been women around me living with guys with no job, not contributing anything, just becoz those women need a man?

 

Don't be taken advantage by him, get rid of those trash people.

[Pompom]

Honestly, 550 on Christmas stuff is way excessive and if I were the recipient, I would resent the giver for creating such a debt. I mean obviously you're expecting to get something back of similar value. Yeah, it's not right to live off someone, but rarely will you meet someone who turns down such an offer. He may love you, but he sure doesn't mind having you love him out of your wallet. Who would? Some, yeah, but human nature says: you get it, you take it. Opportunism is not a crime, it's not charming, but it's to be expected when you're being too generous.

 

Sure, he may want to contribute more, but you seem to offer and/or give the impression that the larger share can be left for you to cover. This puts you in charge of a lot of things as you have the greater expenses, but it also makes you the one others will lean on, expecting you'll catch them.

Maybe if you stopped fussing over what kind of money you two invest in each-other, and go for less materialistic tokens of your love, that might help both of you feel better about the relationship and about giving. I mean, 550 bucks, that's delirious to me, it's more than my monthly rent + water + electricity + internet + TV. Unless you want him to see you as the rich partner who will happily spoil him, you should cut those costs in half or more. People will rarely decline what is thrown at them. Stop throwing.

 

Personally I became much more comfortable with my interpersonal relationships when I stopped thinking about money spent on people, and how much money would elicit the desired amount of appreciation, love, or gratitude. It's bull****. I choose gifts by what I believe makes someone happy, I don't believe in "If I spend a lot, he'll see how much I love him". The most popular gifts I give, are drawings. Unless I have them printed rather than just posting them to the recipient's Facebook wall, they cost me nothing. I made and received small material gifts, like cute figurines or keychains, and I love them, the recipients loved them, for the humor, or the cuteness of the gesture. Or because I hit the spot. Not because of the price tag. Price tag gifting often creates misgivings, resentment, and comes over as snobbish. It makes a relationship about "Who gives more" and "How much money does the credibility of my love cost". Horrible attitude, that. Very destructive.

 

As for Christmas, you can have a merry one without giving squat. Make good food, put on a good movie, and cuddle.

 

The man I'm in love with and who seems to have an interest in me, is poor as crap. He can't afford to rent his own place, he shares his bed with 2 little brothers. He can't give me anything materialistic. Yeah, I get served plenty of his mom's cooking when I stay for supper, but I know I will never see money for the cigarettes he keeps asking me to bring when I come over, I know he will not even be able to take me to the movies anytime soon. Do I feel less appreciated by him? No. I feel his affection when he grabs "my" blanket to crawl in with me, gives me his beaten-mutt-look, and nuzzles his head on my neck. That's good enough because that says what needs to be said. Monetary gestures can say a lot of things and scream of agenda, but a grown-ass man inviting you over just so he can sit on your lap in front of his scoffing siblings, now that is a strong message.

 

I mean, sure, spend money. But do so reasonably, not sacrificingly or overbearingly. Such gestures can come across as smothering and an attempt to control and keep him close.

[alexandria35]

OP I think your bf is cheap but I also think you enjoy playing victim. You are playing some kind of passive agressive game here to make him look like a total jerk while you get to look sweet and innocent. You complain to him about the money and then when he says he will give you money you decline it because he's not offering it in the right way. What the hell is up with that?! Why can't you have an adult conversation with him about splitting the bills fairly? Instead you refuse his offers of money and then go off to pout and tally up in your head how much more you spend on gifts for him then he spends on you. Grow up and talk to him like an adult. Tell him you want to split the bills equally and then give him a chance to do that. If he does then you can scratch that off your list of complaints, if he doesn't then ask him to leave. This doesn't have to be a huge drama.

[MissBee]

This story reminds me of a blaring red flag my mom told me about when she was dating my dad....to whom she is still married and he is still selfish, yet she was warned early on but ignored it .

 

When they first started dating, it came up to Valentine's Day and my mom made him dinner, bought him several presents and he thanked her and said "I don't have anything for you..." LMAOOOOO!!! I'm sorry but this is so insane, it's hilarious .

 

I looked at her as though she was totally crazy when she told me this. She saw sign after sign that he was an inconsiderate and selfish person....yet, she continued to date him, have kids, marry. SMH!

 

Please don't do something like that. If your guy is selfish and he's showing you this...don't expect him to mysteriously change. Perhaps this is an area of incompatibility that cannot be reconciled. Some stuff is so much better for your partner to be naturally inclined to do. I understand compromise...but some stuff should be a dealbreaker. For me, a man who is selfish, who doesn't contribute, who expects me to always ask and doesn't give freely, I would resent him sooo much and we'd never have a truly good relationship. If he isn't naturally considerate, I refuse to pressure him into it or sulk about it...but I'd have to decide it's how he is and does it work for me?

[CarboniteCammy]

I think that this relationship is probably not going to work out. Maybe its an issue that you expect more generosity from a partner, or maybe he just doesn't make enough money for your taste.

 

I dated a guy like that for several years and finally broke up with him because he just wasn't husband material in many, many ways. We split the rent, utilities, and groceries 50/50, but I also had to take care of the inside of the house and his dog on top of that.

 

We never went out to dinner with out splitting it down the middle. One time we had a conversation that went like this:

 

Him: Let's get Chinese food. My treat.

Me: OK! But, I don't want Chinese food. How about hamburgers?

Him: Sounds good!

(we pull up to the restaurant, which was NOT an expensive one)

Me: You still buying?

Him: No way! When we get Chinese food, all you eat is soup and it's two bucks. This will cost me at least $8.00 per person.

Me: (dead silence) I see...

 

I guess I knew at that point that he and I weren't going to last. I don't know why I kept dating him past that, honestly, because things didn't get any better.

 

One time I had a seizure due to Welbutrin, and had to go to the hospital and have a CAT scan and an EEG test and something else, and they temporarily took my driver's license. Rather then help me out, he made me take the bus to all of my appointments, and to get to work I had to post an ad on Craig's List to find rides out that way. His reasoning was that he didn't want to have to get up early and fight traffic.

 

Look, like someone else said, it won't get any better as things progress. People are what they are and you either like it or leave it.

[Els]

One time I had a seizure due to Welbutrin, and had to go to the hospital and have a CAT scan and an EEG test and something else, and they temporarily took my driver's license. Rather then help me out, he made me take the bus to all of my appointments, and to get to work I had to post an ad on Craig's List to find rides out that way. His reasoning was that he didn't want to have to get up early and fight traffic.

 

This is waaaaaay worse than any Chinese food altercation!!! Nobody should be with someone who treats them in this way.

[CarboniteCammy]

Yep! We broke up about a month after that. He has a new girlfriend now, but he treated his x wife the same way he treated me, and so I doubt he'll be any different with this new one. I feel sorry for her, because he really brings very little to the table and expects the world from his partners. :-(

 

The only really good thing that came out of that was that it helped me establish my own personal deal breakers.

 

My husband isn't a perfect man, but he has a generous soul when it comes to me and the baby and is always doing things to make my life easier.